Sweet Valley Kids #23: Lila's Haunted House Party
Because I enjoy putting my brain through pain (ooh, rhyme!), I now bring you Sweet Valley Kids #23 Lila’s Haunted House Party.
Lila’s father has rented out Hathway Manor--a museum in Sweet Valley which I've never heard of--for a Halloween party, and the entire class is invited (because all kids books involve all the same characters in every scene so young readers don’t get confused). Lila’s nervous, however, because there are rumors that Hathway Manor is haunted. Ooooh, scary! But what’s even scarier is that Elizabeth and Jessica aren’t fighting over the same costume; Elizabeth is going to be a tiger and Jessica a genie.
Now, I’d like you all to observe the cover of this book:
Now read this direct quote from page 12:
Jessica’s genie costume was yellow and had lots of sequins sewn on it.
*twitch*
But let’s move on to the second Halloween of second grade:
From the very beginning, the ghostwriter has continued to forget that Lila’s mother walked out on the family by mentioning that Lila’s mother is related to the Hathways. (And apparently Mr. Fowler sees nothing wrong about renting out the house belonging to his ex-wife’s family. Go figure.) Jessica’s very excited about the party, and tells Elizabeth that Lila’s related to the ghost of Hathway Manor. Elizabeth, always the reasonable one of the two, points out there's no such things as ghosts. (Where have we heard this before?)
"Well, if there were a ghost, Lila would be related to it," Jessica said.
Elizabeth agrees with the logic (seriously, how could you not?) and the girls finish getting dressed for the big party.
Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield (yes, NED is MENTIONED) drop the girls off at Hathway Manor. When Jessica opens the door to the manor, Todd and Ken jump out and scare the crap out of her. (I love those guys.) Lila then runs over and greats the girls a little too enthusiastically. Jessica immediately compliments Lila on her Halloween costume, a "long old-fashioned frilly dress and high-button boots. She was carrying a lace parasol and around her neck was a beautiful locket on the end of a chain." That's our Lila, coordinating her outfit to the house. At least Lila will match the ghost, right?
The twins then point out all the scary decorations around the main foyer of the manor, and Elizabeth mentions how much she likes it. This is my favorite part of the chapter:
"I've already seen a lot of the special effects," Lila boasted. "They're not as scary as I thought they would be."
Just then, a ghostly man wrapped in chains spring out of a trap door in one of the floorboards. Lila screamed and dropped her parasol.
"I thought you were scared of anything!" Ken said through howls of laughter.
I love Ken.
Everyone is then ushered into the ballroom for a Halloween story. On the way to the ballroom, Elizabeth notices a painting hanging near the stairs. She calls Lila and Jessica over, and Jessica points out that the young woman in the painting looks just like Lila. Her best friend turns pink and insists she looks nothing like the woman in the painting, then runs into the ballroom. What follows is the lamest scary story I've ever read. I must quote:
"Welcome to Hathway Manor...You've probably all heard rumors about this house," the storyteller began. "Let me tell you right from the start--they're true!"
A startled gasp came from the crowd.
"Laura Hathway was an invalid... She could hardly take three steps from her wheelchair without growing faint. Her older brother Michael was devoted to her, though. He helped her all the time and took care of her."
Elizabeth's heart was beginning to beat faster. She took Jessica's hand and squeezed it. [Because people not being able to walk are scary?]
"Then the Hathways fell on hard times, and Michael decided to try his fortune way up in the Yukon gold territories... Laura became very sick while he was away. In her sleep she cried out 'Come back! Come back!'... But he didn't come back. Laura died, and now she wanders the house, still searching for her brother."
"Have you ever seen her?" Amy Sutton asked.
"Yes, many times," he answered. "She holds out her hands and ask for help. You can see her portrait out in the hall, by the stairs."
Lila clapped both hands over her mouth. Her eyes were wide, and she looked scared. Elizabeth guessed Lila did think she looked like Laura.
"Come back! Come back," the storyteller moaned.
Some of the boys and girls screamed...
"Remember, Laura's bedroom was on the second floor... So don't go up there unless you want Laura to--get you!"
I don't think I can sleep tonight. How about you?
Can I also point out that no mention of other siblings are in the storyteller's tale? So how exactly is Lila related to these people? Whatever...
The next chapter is devoted solely to everyone in the class thinking Lila looks exactly like Laura, the best line belonging to Charlie Cashman:
"Aaaaaah!... Be my ghost friend, Lila!"
Yes. Best line. Sad, isn't it? After the You Look Like The Painting chapter, there's the Haunted Basement chapter. *gags* As Elizabeth, Jessica, and Lila are heading back to the manor after surviving the horrors of the basement, Elizabeth looks up to the third floor window and sees a light flickering. She points out that there are more special effects in the attic, which Lila is quick to point out that the party is solely contained to the first floor. Could this mean Elizabeth has just seen the ghost of Laura Hathway?! ZOMG! This book is just so terrifying!
After treats in the ballroom, Todd notices that Charlie and Jerry are missing. (At first I thought maybe they left this book to become characters in a better one, but then I remembered this is Sweet Valley land.)
Elizabeth shrugged. "Those two are always going off by themselves."
Wow. Not touching that.
It's then decided that Elizabeth, Jessica, Lila, Todd, Winston, and Ken should go look for the two lovebirds Charlie and Jerry. Todd remembers the two saying they were going to go find the ghost (but of course!), so up the stairs the six rescuers go. It's also decided that since this is Lila's party, she should go up the stairs first. In typical seven-year-old fashion, as the six go up the stairs, they whisper, "What was that?" "I didn't hear anything." "Me, neither." and everything else associated with a scary story. They reach the dark and gloomy second floor and begin trying doors. But all the doors are locked. Lila decides that Charlie and Jerry did not come upstairs after all.
"Maybe they did come up," Winston suggested. "And Laura Hathway got them."
With a squeak of fright, Lila ran across the hall to stand next to Jessica.
Oh yeah, like Jessica is going to protect Lila. First rule of horror films: You don't need to outrun the zombie/vampire/ghost/demon-thing, you just need to outrun your friend.
After trying all the doors and discovering they're all locked, Todd announces, "I give up."
Cue the creepy thumping sound from above.
"OK, who's playing tricks?" Lila demanded. "Winston, I know it was you."
Winston's mouth dropped open in surprise. "It was not!"
"Wasn't that another special effect?" Jessica asked. She took a step closer to Elizabeth.
"I told you, there aren't any special effects up here," Lila said in a quaking voice. She started backing up. "And everything's locked..."
Wow. Could this get any MORE CLICHE?!!?
Oh yes, it could:
BUMP! THUMP! came the noise again.
Then everyone heard a voice. "Ahhh-ohhh!"
Everyone in the group screamed at the same time, then turned and raced for the staircase.
*head desk*
Then comes the best part: While everyone's pondering Charlie and Jerry's fate, Lila complains: "This is going to ruin the party."
Oh, Lila. How we love thee.
The group comes to the conclusion that Charlie and Jerry are now ghost chow, despite Elizabeth thinking they should go find Lila's father or another adult and tell them what happened.
Then Lila panics. Remember that locket she was wearing with her costume? Yeah, it seems the locket is now missing (cliche) and if her father discovers she lost the locket, he'll be very angry because he told her not to wear it in the first place (cliche), and the only place the locket could be is the second floor (cliche). After begging Jessica to help her look for the necklace, the twins agree to go back upstairs. Todd, Ken, and Winston, however, decide not to, and run off to eat more snacks. Typical boys.
So back up the stairs our fearless seven-year-old girls go.
Lila looked fearfully back down the stairs. "Do we have to do this?"
"You're the one who lost your necklace," Jessica pointed out.
Yeah, Lila. Geeze.
Cue the creepy noises again followed by Lila screaming.
Elizabeth, now completely calm for some reason, suggests that maybe it's Charlie and Jerry making all the loud thumping noises.
Again, not touching.
No matter how many times Elizabeth tells Jessica and Lila she thinks the noise is Charlie and Jerry, the two future Unicorns are convinced Laura Hathway is out to eat them. Lila then suddenly spots her locket.
"Here it is!" she said excitedly. Then she bent down farther. "Look! There are footprints in the dust, and they look like they go right into the wall," she added. She had a puzzled look on her face. "Only a ghost could walk though a wall."
Ghosts wear shoes?
"But ghosts don't wear sneakers," Elizabeth said. "Those are sneaker footprints."
Didn't I just... Never mind.
Lila sighed. "Well, I still don't think Charlie and Jerry are here. They probably just left the party early." She leaned against the paneling.
Cue Lila falling though the hidden door.
"You found a secret passage!" Elizabeth shouted.
Jessica began to feel excited, too. "This is unbelievable!"
*GAGS*
So, just like in every other scary story to come before this, the three girls venture forth into the secret room and find a staircase that leads to the attic. Sure enough, the two lovebirds Charlie and Jerry were the ones making all the thumping noises as the lovers idiots managed to lock themselves inside the hidden room. It's also revealed that the light Elizabeth saw earlier which she thought was just special effects was Charlie and Jerry trying to signal for help with a flashlight. Lila yells at the boys for almost ruining her party, then huffs and announces they need to get back downstairs.
In typical second grade fashion, once downstairs Charlie and Jerry brag about finding the hidden passage while the girls brag about rescuing them.
"You had to be rescued by a bunch of girls," Winston teased.
"Yeah, and you were too chicken to go up and look for them again," Jessica snapped.
You go, girl.
At the end of the night, Mr. Wakefield shows up for the second time in the book and picks the girls up from the party. As Jessica and Elizabeth are heading towards the car, Jessica notices a light flickering in the attic window. Could this mean there's really a ghost, or did Charlie and Jerry sneak back upstairs again? I guess we'll never know...
Excuse me now. I must go wash my brain out.
Lila’s father has rented out Hathway Manor--a museum in Sweet Valley which I've never heard of--for a Halloween party, and the entire class is invited (because all kids books involve all the same characters in every scene so young readers don’t get confused). Lila’s nervous, however, because there are rumors that Hathway Manor is haunted. Ooooh, scary! But what’s even scarier is that Elizabeth and Jessica aren’t fighting over the same costume; Elizabeth is going to be a tiger and Jessica a genie.
Now, I’d like you all to observe the cover of this book:
Now read this direct quote from page 12:
Jessica’s genie costume was yellow and had lots of sequins sewn on it.
*twitch*
But let’s move on to the second Halloween of second grade:
From the very beginning, the ghostwriter has continued to forget that Lila’s mother walked out on the family by mentioning that Lila’s mother is related to the Hathways. (And apparently Mr. Fowler sees nothing wrong about renting out the house belonging to his ex-wife’s family. Go figure.) Jessica’s very excited about the party, and tells Elizabeth that Lila’s related to the ghost of Hathway Manor. Elizabeth, always the reasonable one of the two, points out there's no such things as ghosts. (Where have we heard this before?)
"Well, if there were a ghost, Lila would be related to it," Jessica said.
Elizabeth agrees with the logic (seriously, how could you not?) and the girls finish getting dressed for the big party.
Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield (yes, NED is MENTIONED) drop the girls off at Hathway Manor. When Jessica opens the door to the manor, Todd and Ken jump out and scare the crap out of her. (I love those guys.) Lila then runs over and greats the girls a little too enthusiastically. Jessica immediately compliments Lila on her Halloween costume, a "long old-fashioned frilly dress and high-button boots. She was carrying a lace parasol and around her neck was a beautiful locket on the end of a chain." That's our Lila, coordinating her outfit to the house. At least Lila will match the ghost, right?
The twins then point out all the scary decorations around the main foyer of the manor, and Elizabeth mentions how much she likes it. This is my favorite part of the chapter:
"I've already seen a lot of the special effects," Lila boasted. "They're not as scary as I thought they would be."
Just then, a ghostly man wrapped in chains spring out of a trap door in one of the floorboards. Lila screamed and dropped her parasol.
"I thought you were scared of anything!" Ken said through howls of laughter.
I love Ken.
Everyone is then ushered into the ballroom for a Halloween story. On the way to the ballroom, Elizabeth notices a painting hanging near the stairs. She calls Lila and Jessica over, and Jessica points out that the young woman in the painting looks just like Lila. Her best friend turns pink and insists she looks nothing like the woman in the painting, then runs into the ballroom. What follows is the lamest scary story I've ever read. I must quote:
"Welcome to Hathway Manor...You've probably all heard rumors about this house," the storyteller began. "Let me tell you right from the start--they're true!"
A startled gasp came from the crowd.
"Laura Hathway was an invalid... She could hardly take three steps from her wheelchair without growing faint. Her older brother Michael was devoted to her, though. He helped her all the time and took care of her."
Elizabeth's heart was beginning to beat faster. She took Jessica's hand and squeezed it. [Because people not being able to walk are scary?]
"Then the Hathways fell on hard times, and Michael decided to try his fortune way up in the Yukon gold territories... Laura became very sick while he was away. In her sleep she cried out 'Come back! Come back!'... But he didn't come back. Laura died, and now she wanders the house, still searching for her brother."
"Have you ever seen her?" Amy Sutton asked.
"Yes, many times," he answered. "She holds out her hands and ask for help. You can see her portrait out in the hall, by the stairs."
Lila clapped both hands over her mouth. Her eyes were wide, and she looked scared. Elizabeth guessed Lila did think she looked like Laura.
"Come back! Come back," the storyteller moaned.
Some of the boys and girls screamed...
"Remember, Laura's bedroom was on the second floor... So don't go up there unless you want Laura to--get you!"
I don't think I can sleep tonight. How about you?
Can I also point out that no mention of other siblings are in the storyteller's tale? So how exactly is Lila related to these people? Whatever...
The next chapter is devoted solely to everyone in the class thinking Lila looks exactly like Laura, the best line belonging to Charlie Cashman:
"Aaaaaah!... Be my ghost friend, Lila!"
Yes. Best line. Sad, isn't it? After the You Look Like The Painting chapter, there's the Haunted Basement chapter. *gags* As Elizabeth, Jessica, and Lila are heading back to the manor after surviving the horrors of the basement, Elizabeth looks up to the third floor window and sees a light flickering. She points out that there are more special effects in the attic, which Lila is quick to point out that the party is solely contained to the first floor. Could this mean Elizabeth has just seen the ghost of Laura Hathway?! ZOMG! This book is just so terrifying!
After treats in the ballroom, Todd notices that Charlie and Jerry are missing. (At first I thought maybe they left this book to become characters in a better one, but then I remembered this is Sweet Valley land.)
Elizabeth shrugged. "Those two are always going off by themselves."
Wow. Not touching that.
It's then decided that Elizabeth, Jessica, Lila, Todd, Winston, and Ken should go look for the two lovebirds Charlie and Jerry. Todd remembers the two saying they were going to go find the ghost (but of course!), so up the stairs the six rescuers go. It's also decided that since this is Lila's party, she should go up the stairs first. In typical seven-year-old fashion, as the six go up the stairs, they whisper, "What was that?" "I didn't hear anything." "Me, neither." and everything else associated with a scary story. They reach the dark and gloomy second floor and begin trying doors. But all the doors are locked. Lila decides that Charlie and Jerry did not come upstairs after all.
"Maybe they did come up," Winston suggested. "And Laura Hathway got them."
With a squeak of fright, Lila ran across the hall to stand next to Jessica.
Oh yeah, like Jessica is going to protect Lila. First rule of horror films: You don't need to outrun the zombie/vampire/ghost/demon-thing, you just need to outrun your friend.
After trying all the doors and discovering they're all locked, Todd announces, "I give up."
Cue the creepy thumping sound from above.
"OK, who's playing tricks?" Lila demanded. "Winston, I know it was you."
Winston's mouth dropped open in surprise. "It was not!"
"Wasn't that another special effect?" Jessica asked. She took a step closer to Elizabeth.
"I told you, there aren't any special effects up here," Lila said in a quaking voice. She started backing up. "And everything's locked..."
Wow. Could this get any MORE CLICHE?!!?
Oh yes, it could:
BUMP! THUMP! came the noise again.
Then everyone heard a voice. "Ahhh-ohhh!"
Everyone in the group screamed at the same time, then turned and raced for the staircase.
*head desk*
Then comes the best part: While everyone's pondering Charlie and Jerry's fate, Lila complains: "This is going to ruin the party."
Oh, Lila. How we love thee.
The group comes to the conclusion that Charlie and Jerry are now ghost chow, despite Elizabeth thinking they should go find Lila's father or another adult and tell them what happened.
Then Lila panics. Remember that locket she was wearing with her costume? Yeah, it seems the locket is now missing (cliche) and if her father discovers she lost the locket, he'll be very angry because he told her not to wear it in the first place (cliche), and the only place the locket could be is the second floor (cliche). After begging Jessica to help her look for the necklace, the twins agree to go back upstairs. Todd, Ken, and Winston, however, decide not to, and run off to eat more snacks. Typical boys.
So back up the stairs our fearless seven-year-old girls go.
Lila looked fearfully back down the stairs. "Do we have to do this?"
"You're the one who lost your necklace," Jessica pointed out.
Yeah, Lila. Geeze.
Cue the creepy noises again followed by Lila screaming.
Elizabeth, now completely calm for some reason, suggests that maybe it's Charlie and Jerry making all the loud thumping noises.
Again, not touching.
No matter how many times Elizabeth tells Jessica and Lila she thinks the noise is Charlie and Jerry, the two future Unicorns are convinced Laura Hathway is out to eat them. Lila then suddenly spots her locket.
"Here it is!" she said excitedly. Then she bent down farther. "Look! There are footprints in the dust, and they look like they go right into the wall," she added. She had a puzzled look on her face. "Only a ghost could walk though a wall."
Ghosts wear shoes?
"But ghosts don't wear sneakers," Elizabeth said. "Those are sneaker footprints."
Didn't I just... Never mind.
Lila sighed. "Well, I still don't think Charlie and Jerry are here. They probably just left the party early." She leaned against the paneling.
Cue Lila falling though the hidden door.
"You found a secret passage!" Elizabeth shouted.
Jessica began to feel excited, too. "This is unbelievable!"
*GAGS*
So, just like in every other scary story to come before this, the three girls venture forth into the secret room and find a staircase that leads to the attic. Sure enough, the two lovebirds Charlie and Jerry were the ones making all the thumping noises as the lovers idiots managed to lock themselves inside the hidden room. It's also revealed that the light Elizabeth saw earlier which she thought was just special effects was Charlie and Jerry trying to signal for help with a flashlight. Lila yells at the boys for almost ruining her party, then huffs and announces they need to get back downstairs.
In typical second grade fashion, once downstairs Charlie and Jerry brag about finding the hidden passage while the girls brag about rescuing them.
"You had to be rescued by a bunch of girls," Winston teased.
"Yeah, and you were too chicken to go up and look for them again," Jessica snapped.
You go, girl.
At the end of the night, Mr. Wakefield shows up for the second time in the book and picks the girls up from the party. As Jessica and Elizabeth are heading towards the car, Jessica notices a light flickering in the attic window. Could this mean there's really a ghost, or did Charlie and Jerry sneak back upstairs again? I guess we'll never know...
Excuse me now. I must go wash my brain out.