Sweet Valley High #83: Steven's Bride
Look at that title. Steven's Bride. Really, have two words ever sounded more terrifying? This book should have been recapped in the build-up to Halloween.
Cover.
Cara looks like my cousin. She's pretty, although those loose strands of hair are bugging the shiz out of me. Steven looks like a Ken doll. Appropriate, considering Sweet Vallians are anatomically-challenged in the groinal region. Also, I love how unexcited the teaser-line sounds. "It's the biggest decision of their lives. I guess. Whatever. Want some pie?"
A plot
Casa Wakefield. The twins are having a cookout with Steven and Cara and some of their other pals. There's the perfect-size-six-works-on-the-Oracle-enjoys-dating-around schtick which marks out every Sweet Valley book as special. Jessica issues about the fact that everyone thinks that Liz is the good twin and she is the bad twin. Jessica, they think this because it is so. Don't fight it. Then she thinks about the cult she recently escaped from. "What a bore! Nobody even got nearly-raped!" she thinks. Or so is the implication. I love these books.
Liz is reading Anna Karenina. Whenever a ghost-writer mentions a character liking a piece of literature that's generally considered a classic in its genre, I always think of the bit in 10 Things I Hate About You where the camera pans past Kat who's reading a copy of Plath's The Bell Jar with the title on the front screaming out in big-ass capital letters. It's a lazy short-hand for saying, "This character is Deep and cares about Stuff." Jessica is reading an article in a magazine about "how to balance marriage and a career in the nineties". Hee. These books haven't aged well.
Everyone's excited because Cara is going to London the following day, and they react in predictable ways: Liz says she should go to Stratford-Upon-Avon, Lila says she should go shopping, and Enid thinks that the black taxis and red buses will be romantic. I've said it before: Enid is a strange girl. Cara, curiously, is the only one who doesn't seem to be all that excited.
Cut to a week later. I'm disappointed that we didn't see anything of London. Can you imagine the glory that would be a ghost-writer's depiction of London in one of the pre-#100 books? Cara goes to see Steven, who wants to get onto a special program that will get him through law school in six years rather than seven. I don't think that this is consistent with SVU where he spends all his time shooting Jessica's husband and nearly marrying Billie. Anyway, Cara spills the beans that her mother got a huge promotion, and the two of them will be moving to London. Steven's first thought is: "Don't go. Don't leave me like Tricia did." That's real nice, Steve.
Two days later, everyone knows. The cheerleaders come over to Cara's apartment to help her start packing, and they excitedly discuss the move. Cara and her mother are getting a place in Knightsbridge. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If you're unfamiliar with the area, I refer you to the Wikipedia article. Ghost-writer, I love you for bringing the unintended lulz. Cara is still upset, though, because she hates having to leave Steven and her friends and her entire life and Steven and cheerleading and Steven behind. But mostly she's upset about Steven. Jessica and the girls are kind to her, saying that they're still going to be as close as ever. It's a really nice gesture, and would be even nicer if any of them actually followed up on it in later books. She briefly considers moving in with her dad in Chicago, but that's still too far away.
At the Beach Disco, Steven cries emo tears about Cara. I usually like Steven, but throughout this book he makes Cara's problem all about him, which is remarkably unattractive. Shut up, Steven. Liz comforts him by reminding him that Todd moved away but later moved back, so maybe the same thing will happen with Cara. Oh, Liz, you sweet fool. You and Todd are m34nt 2B. There wasn't a Wakefield ancestor called Stefan who hooked up with a girl called Cora, you guys.
Jessica and Sam are watching Love Story. Jessica has a crush on Ryan O'Neal. Hee. And why am I not surprised that this is one of her favourite films? Props to the ghost-writer for choosing the perfect dorky-romantic classic film. Jessica cries over Steven's bad relationship experiences (dead girlfriend, girlfriend moving away forever) and Sam says, "It is pretty rotten luck." I love how Sam clearly doesn't give a shit. I love you, Sam. I've written fanfictions about you. I-I want to be married to you on the astral plane.
Unfortunately, Love Story gives Jessica an idea: she'll tell Steven and Cara to get married before Cara leaves for London! Steven, against all rhyme and reason, thinks that this is the greatest idea ever, and heads off to propose. What, is this Boy Meets World? These kids have barely finished puberty. Gross. Cara is just as enamoured with the idea as Jessica and Steven, though, and accepts Steven's proposal straight away. They decide to wait two weeks to get married, the weekend before Cara and her mother are supposed to leave for London. Yes, leave Cara's mother no time to rearrange any of her plans. I'm sure what with moving to a new city in a different country and having lots of new responsibilities for her job, she'd be just thrilled to have yet another thing on her plate.
The three of them agree to keep the wedding a secret, but Liz finds out about it almost at once when the lady from the jewellers calls the Wakefield house and asks to speak to Steven re: the wedding rings he ordered. Liz tries to calm herself down - "Maybe they're more like friendship rings," she wonders aloud - but she confronts Jessica as soon as she gets home. Jessica spills the beans at once. Liz promises not to tell their parents but she wonders if "somebody" should interfere nevertheless. She sounds so naughty. I'm beginning to think that strangerface was right when she suggested that nothing does it for Liz like sticking her nose in other people's business.
That evening, Jessica goes to Guido's with Lila, Amy, and Cara. By this point, Jessica is bored of keeping the secret and just comes out with it. Jessica is worse at keeping secrets than Peter Pettigrew. Oh, man. Don't start hanging out with Voldemort, Jess! Not even you could make a silver hand look good! The girls are crazy-excited, although Lila thinks that it's lame that Steven hasn't bought Cara an enormous diamond ring. They decide to throw a bridal shower for her as they won't be able to be bridesmaids. Am I the only one who thinks this is incredibly gross? I mean, apart from Liz. Shut up, Liz.
Liz goes to Steven's dorm and confronts him. Steven is pissed that Liz knows: "I knew there was a good reason why Jessica and I kept you out of this." Liz guilt-trips him and leaves. Side note: Steven's roommate is called Bob, which means that it's pronounced the way Rowan Atkinson pronounces it. Them's the rules. Why is this book so unintentionally hilarious?
Bridal shower! It's all the cheerleaders, plus Lila. Jessica gets Cara a video of Barefoot in the Park. Another dorky-romantic film choice! I like the way this ghost-writer has chosen to interpret Jessica. The card says: "To my future sister-in-law, with love." Aw, Jessica can be so sweet when she's not trying to ruin your life. Lila gets her a silk negligee. Go, Lila. Amy gets her a black lace teddy, but it clearly can't compete. Still, not a bad haul. If I had been invited to a bridal shower when I was sixteen, I'd have probably contributed an Avril Lavigne CD.
Cara worries about the fact that getting married will mean that she'll have to have sex. (Not necessarily, Cara. Marie Stropes, John Ruskin, and JM Barrie, TO NAME BUT THREE, all had unconsummated marriages, and Charles Kingsley and his wife agreed not to sleep with each other until a month into their marriage.) I can't believe that she never considered this aspect of marriage before. It's implied that Steven doesn't want to have sex yet either. Damn, is Todd the Jerk the only guy in Sweet Valley who wants (and gets) sex? Cara decides that marriage is going to suck because she hates having to compromise.
When she gets home, her dad calls her from Chicago. He's coming over to see her to say goodbye before she goes to London! Cara is excited: she thinks this means that her parents are getting remarried and they won't have to go to London. I don't know. She's pleased that she'll be able to return Lila's negligee. Cara, dude. You don't have to wear fancy underwear around someone else. Sometimes it's nice to wear it just for yourself. Even guys do it! To quote from John Tucker Must Die: "It's like letting your best friend sleep in a silk hammock." Damn straight, or so I hear.
Steven looks around apartments in San Farando, a town halfway between Sweet Valley and SVU. San Farando is, of course, a shithole, and the apartments are tiny. In Sweet Valley, teenage newlyweds live rent-free in glamorous loft apartments populated with fairies and unicorns. Steven emos about the fact that he won't be living on campus anymore. Oh, boohoo. Lots of people don't live on campus. I don't. Anyway. Steven gets onto the law program. He realises that he can't accept the offer and marry Cara and he becomes even more depressed, because graduating from law school early was all he wanted to do his entire life.
Dude, just tell Cara that you don't want to marry her. This is what annoys me about this book: in their scenes together the kids clearly don't want to settle down and get married, and as such their situation doesn't seem like a genuine dilemma. A better writer would have made me believe that they did want to get married, but the obstacles facing them (Steven's law program, the commute, Cara's mother being in London, their ages, money, etc.) were too much to overcome. Instead, I'm just left thinking that the two of them are stupid for not voicing their concerns to each other.
Steven drives to the Dairi Burger and stares at Cara from afar. He thinks about how lucky he is that he's going to have the prettiest wife ever. Damnit, ghost-writer, that wasn't the sort of thing I meant! He makes out with Cara and decides to give up the law program. That night, he tells his family that he wasn't accepted on the program, and they all believe him except Liz. Liz makes him feel guilty with her passive-aggressive staring. I have the biggest guilt-complex in the world and I know that I couldn't last two minutes in the same room with Liz without stabbing her in the face. I don't know how Jessica manages it.
Cara's dad shows up at Cara's apartment. With his new fiancée. Cara is crushed. Aw, I feel kind of bad for her. She decides that because she doesn't want to move to London and she hates her dad and his fiancée, she's going to get revenge-married. Ah, sixteen-year-old girl logic.
The wedding day creeps ever closer. Jessica reads Steven's mail (surely this is more of a Liz plot point?) and discovers that he was accepted onto the law program, and she tells Liz and Todd. They all talk about how it sucks that Steven and Cara are getting married, and how they'll have all these new responsibilities. Yes, because high school and college age kids never have part-time jobs, never have to go grocery shopping, never have to pay bills. Jesus, guys, I'm not defending the marriage, but try coming up with some reasons which are more convincing than "Mommy won't be around to do their laundry anymore."
Meanwhile, after a hellish babysitting job, Cara realises that she doesn't want to have kids for "another decade...or two". This turns her even more against the marriage. Cara, you don't have to have kids straight away. Or at all! I know that condoms don't exist in Sweet Valley because no one ever has sex, but I promise that you can get them almost everywhere else in the country.
The twins do everything in their power to convince Steven and Cara that marriage is a bad idea. This basically consists of taking Cara shopping for household supplies and telling her that she'll have to do a lot of cooking. The twins suck when it comes to teaming up to achieve something. I love that this is actually a recurring theme in the books. They fail, of course, and Steven and Cara prepare for the big day. The day before the wedding, Jessica comes over to give Cara some more presents. She lends her the Lavaliere of Truth as well, and tells her about how Steven lied about the law program. This causes Cara to do some Deep Thinking. Does she really want to be married to Steven? I guess it's just regular thinking, as that's been the one thing on her mind throughout the book.
Steven and Cara set off the following morning to Nevada. Question: would this marriage be legal? I googled for information but I couldn't find anything concrete: it seems that Cara, being under eighteen, would have to get parental permission to be married in Nevada, but I'm not sure. Anyway, the two of them talk about their marriage, and Steven promises her that they can take things slowly, which is decent of him.
Meanwhile, at Casa Wakefield, Liz and Jessica decide to tell their mother and father everything. Ned and Alice flail about and have one of those, "Criminey - we're parents?!" moments they seem to have once every twenty books, and the four of them hop in the car to chase after Steven and Cara.
Standing outside the wedding chapel, Steven feels "a mixture of resignation and contentment", just how every happy groom should feel on his wedding day. Neither of them are awesome because they don't break out singing Going To The Chapel, as would surely be appropriate. Instead, the kids wander inside and the justice begins the ceremony right away. But when the ceremony reaches the vows, Cara refuses to marry Steven! Pwned, Steven. Steven is shocked and he runs away. Most overused plot-device ever. And yet somehow it remains popular! YES I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU WRITERS AT FANFICTION DOT NET.
On Tuesday, Cara attends her going-away party. Everyone cries, Cara especially so because Steven won't return her calls. She decides that the only way that she can make things right by talking to Liz. It was at this point I threw the book on the floor and started banging my head against the wall, shouting, "Stupid! Useless! Piece of crap!" It's not a bad book, but Lord Almighty am I sick of Liz.
Unfortunately for Cara, Liz has stayed away from the party because she doesn't want to see her right now. Cara eventually has to call Liz up and beg her to meet her at the Dairi Burger. Did you get that? She has to LEAVE her GOING-AWAY PARTY just because Liz doesn't want to show up. Oh, Liz, you are such a shitty person. Cara says that she said no because she wasn't ready to get married, but it's pretty obvious that the real reason is because she didn't want to exchange Sweet Valley for San Farando. And yeah, this means that she has to move to London - but that's okay, because London has the Wakefield seal of approval. You wouldn't catch the twins living in San Farando.
The following morning, Liz drives to Steven's campus - school be damned! - in order to explain Cara's motives. This makes me laugh: "It was as if southern California was at its most beautiful to say goodbye to Cara, Elizabeth thought fancifully." I think it's the "fancifully" that does it. Hee. Liz, you can't write worth a shit! Anyway, she explains things to Steven, who understands everything. He runs, runs, runs to the airport to say goodbye to Cara! It is the lamest. I can't even describe how stupid it is. Man. This is what I'm going to do instead:
1. Tear out the final few pages of the book;
2. Watch this video in its place;
3. Drink heavily;
4. Sob into my pillow because I WILL NEVER FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME ENOUGH TO BREACH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT SECURITY FOR ME;
5. Repeat stages 2-4 until blind drunk;
6. DANIELLAFROMAGE SMASH;
7. ???
8. PROFIT.
The story ends: "Steven knew that both he and Cara had wonderful futures ahead of them, even though they wouldn't be spending them together after all." And, gosh darn it, it's probably me feeling teary after watching FIVE MINUTES of Love Actually in FRENCH because I am a loser, and QUITE POSSIBLY ALSO all the alcohol, but I think that's kind of a nice way to end things.
B plot
When Todd finds out about Steven and Cara's engagement, he turns into Chandler Bing. He insists that they're going to regret it and that they're both crazy for thinking that it's a good idea. You know, we're meant to think that Todd is super-harsh, but actually I'm totally on his side. Liz thinks he's being mean to be so outspoken, but far better that than just passive-aggressively telling Steven to think things over.
Anyway. At Cara's going-away party, he's all over some sophomore tail. Then a few days later he's all over her again when they're playing volleyball at the beach. Liz doesn't confront him. They both suck. This is a lead in for the following book, The Stolen Diary. It's Liz's diary that's stolen of course, and, as I recall, it's pretty lulzy. Someone should recap it!
Next up: SVH #70: Ms Quarterback!
Cover.
Cara looks like my cousin. She's pretty, although those loose strands of hair are bugging the shiz out of me. Steven looks like a Ken doll. Appropriate, considering Sweet Vallians are anatomically-challenged in the groinal region. Also, I love how unexcited the teaser-line sounds. "It's the biggest decision of their lives. I guess. Whatever. Want some pie?"
A plot
Casa Wakefield. The twins are having a cookout with Steven and Cara and some of their other pals. There's the perfect-size-six-works-on-the-Oracle-enjoys-dating-around schtick which marks out every Sweet Valley book as special. Jessica issues about the fact that everyone thinks that Liz is the good twin and she is the bad twin. Jessica, they think this because it is so. Don't fight it. Then she thinks about the cult she recently escaped from. "What a bore! Nobody even got nearly-raped!" she thinks. Or so is the implication. I love these books.
Liz is reading Anna Karenina. Whenever a ghost-writer mentions a character liking a piece of literature that's generally considered a classic in its genre, I always think of the bit in 10 Things I Hate About You where the camera pans past Kat who's reading a copy of Plath's The Bell Jar with the title on the front screaming out in big-ass capital letters. It's a lazy short-hand for saying, "This character is Deep and cares about Stuff." Jessica is reading an article in a magazine about "how to balance marriage and a career in the nineties". Hee. These books haven't aged well.
Everyone's excited because Cara is going to London the following day, and they react in predictable ways: Liz says she should go to Stratford-Upon-Avon, Lila says she should go shopping, and Enid thinks that the black taxis and red buses will be romantic. I've said it before: Enid is a strange girl. Cara, curiously, is the only one who doesn't seem to be all that excited.
Cut to a week later. I'm disappointed that we didn't see anything of London. Can you imagine the glory that would be a ghost-writer's depiction of London in one of the pre-#100 books? Cara goes to see Steven, who wants to get onto a special program that will get him through law school in six years rather than seven. I don't think that this is consistent with SVU where he spends all his time shooting Jessica's husband and nearly marrying Billie. Anyway, Cara spills the beans that her mother got a huge promotion, and the two of them will be moving to London. Steven's first thought is: "Don't go. Don't leave me like Tricia did." That's real nice, Steve.
Two days later, everyone knows. The cheerleaders come over to Cara's apartment to help her start packing, and they excitedly discuss the move. Cara and her mother are getting a place in Knightsbridge. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If you're unfamiliar with the area, I refer you to the Wikipedia article. Ghost-writer, I love you for bringing the unintended lulz. Cara is still upset, though, because she hates having to leave Steven and her friends and her entire life and Steven and cheerleading and Steven behind. But mostly she's upset about Steven. Jessica and the girls are kind to her, saying that they're still going to be as close as ever. It's a really nice gesture, and would be even nicer if any of them actually followed up on it in later books. She briefly considers moving in with her dad in Chicago, but that's still too far away.
At the Beach Disco, Steven cries emo tears about Cara. I usually like Steven, but throughout this book he makes Cara's problem all about him, which is remarkably unattractive. Shut up, Steven. Liz comforts him by reminding him that Todd moved away but later moved back, so maybe the same thing will happen with Cara. Oh, Liz, you sweet fool. You and Todd are m34nt 2B. There wasn't a Wakefield ancestor called Stefan who hooked up with a girl called Cora, you guys.
Jessica and Sam are watching Love Story. Jessica has a crush on Ryan O'Neal. Hee. And why am I not surprised that this is one of her favourite films? Props to the ghost-writer for choosing the perfect dorky-romantic classic film. Jessica cries over Steven's bad relationship experiences (dead girlfriend, girlfriend moving away forever) and Sam says, "It is pretty rotten luck." I love how Sam clearly doesn't give a shit. I love you, Sam. I've written fanfictions about you. I-I want to be married to you on the astral plane.
Unfortunately, Love Story gives Jessica an idea: she'll tell Steven and Cara to get married before Cara leaves for London! Steven, against all rhyme and reason, thinks that this is the greatest idea ever, and heads off to propose. What, is this Boy Meets World? These kids have barely finished puberty. Gross. Cara is just as enamoured with the idea as Jessica and Steven, though, and accepts Steven's proposal straight away. They decide to wait two weeks to get married, the weekend before Cara and her mother are supposed to leave for London. Yes, leave Cara's mother no time to rearrange any of her plans. I'm sure what with moving to a new city in a different country and having lots of new responsibilities for her job, she'd be just thrilled to have yet another thing on her plate.
The three of them agree to keep the wedding a secret, but Liz finds out about it almost at once when the lady from the jewellers calls the Wakefield house and asks to speak to Steven re: the wedding rings he ordered. Liz tries to calm herself down - "Maybe they're more like friendship rings," she wonders aloud - but she confronts Jessica as soon as she gets home. Jessica spills the beans at once. Liz promises not to tell their parents but she wonders if "somebody" should interfere nevertheless. She sounds so naughty. I'm beginning to think that strangerface was right when she suggested that nothing does it for Liz like sticking her nose in other people's business.
That evening, Jessica goes to Guido's with Lila, Amy, and Cara. By this point, Jessica is bored of keeping the secret and just comes out with it. Jessica is worse at keeping secrets than Peter Pettigrew. Oh, man. Don't start hanging out with Voldemort, Jess! Not even you could make a silver hand look good! The girls are crazy-excited, although Lila thinks that it's lame that Steven hasn't bought Cara an enormous diamond ring. They decide to throw a bridal shower for her as they won't be able to be bridesmaids. Am I the only one who thinks this is incredibly gross? I mean, apart from Liz. Shut up, Liz.
Liz goes to Steven's dorm and confronts him. Steven is pissed that Liz knows: "I knew there was a good reason why Jessica and I kept you out of this." Liz guilt-trips him and leaves. Side note: Steven's roommate is called Bob, which means that it's pronounced the way Rowan Atkinson pronounces it. Them's the rules. Why is this book so unintentionally hilarious?
Bridal shower! It's all the cheerleaders, plus Lila. Jessica gets Cara a video of Barefoot in the Park. Another dorky-romantic film choice! I like the way this ghost-writer has chosen to interpret Jessica. The card says: "To my future sister-in-law, with love." Aw, Jessica can be so sweet when she's not trying to ruin your life. Lila gets her a silk negligee. Go, Lila. Amy gets her a black lace teddy, but it clearly can't compete. Still, not a bad haul. If I had been invited to a bridal shower when I was sixteen, I'd have probably contributed an Avril Lavigne CD.
Cara worries about the fact that getting married will mean that she'll have to have sex. (Not necessarily, Cara. Marie Stropes, John Ruskin, and JM Barrie, TO NAME BUT THREE, all had unconsummated marriages, and Charles Kingsley and his wife agreed not to sleep with each other until a month into their marriage.) I can't believe that she never considered this aspect of marriage before. It's implied that Steven doesn't want to have sex yet either. Damn, is Todd the Jerk the only guy in Sweet Valley who wants (and gets) sex? Cara decides that marriage is going to suck because she hates having to compromise.
When she gets home, her dad calls her from Chicago. He's coming over to see her to say goodbye before she goes to London! Cara is excited: she thinks this means that her parents are getting remarried and they won't have to go to London. I don't know. She's pleased that she'll be able to return Lila's negligee. Cara, dude. You don't have to wear fancy underwear around someone else. Sometimes it's nice to wear it just for yourself. Even guys do it! To quote from John Tucker Must Die: "It's like letting your best friend sleep in a silk hammock." Damn straight, or so I hear.
Steven looks around apartments in San Farando, a town halfway between Sweet Valley and SVU. San Farando is, of course, a shithole, and the apartments are tiny. In Sweet Valley, teenage newlyweds live rent-free in glamorous loft apartments populated with fairies and unicorns. Steven emos about the fact that he won't be living on campus anymore. Oh, boohoo. Lots of people don't live on campus. I don't. Anyway. Steven gets onto the law program. He realises that he can't accept the offer and marry Cara and he becomes even more depressed, because graduating from law school early was all he wanted to do his entire life.
Dude, just tell Cara that you don't want to marry her. This is what annoys me about this book: in their scenes together the kids clearly don't want to settle down and get married, and as such their situation doesn't seem like a genuine dilemma. A better writer would have made me believe that they did want to get married, but the obstacles facing them (Steven's law program, the commute, Cara's mother being in London, their ages, money, etc.) were too much to overcome. Instead, I'm just left thinking that the two of them are stupid for not voicing their concerns to each other.
Steven drives to the Dairi Burger and stares at Cara from afar. He thinks about how lucky he is that he's going to have the prettiest wife ever. Damnit, ghost-writer, that wasn't the sort of thing I meant! He makes out with Cara and decides to give up the law program. That night, he tells his family that he wasn't accepted on the program, and they all believe him except Liz. Liz makes him feel guilty with her passive-aggressive staring. I have the biggest guilt-complex in the world and I know that I couldn't last two minutes in the same room with Liz without stabbing her in the face. I don't know how Jessica manages it.
Cara's dad shows up at Cara's apartment. With his new fiancée. Cara is crushed. Aw, I feel kind of bad for her. She decides that because she doesn't want to move to London and she hates her dad and his fiancée, she's going to get revenge-married. Ah, sixteen-year-old girl logic.
The wedding day creeps ever closer. Jessica reads Steven's mail (surely this is more of a Liz plot point?) and discovers that he was accepted onto the law program, and she tells Liz and Todd. They all talk about how it sucks that Steven and Cara are getting married, and how they'll have all these new responsibilities. Yes, because high school and college age kids never have part-time jobs, never have to go grocery shopping, never have to pay bills. Jesus, guys, I'm not defending the marriage, but try coming up with some reasons which are more convincing than "Mommy won't be around to do their laundry anymore."
Meanwhile, after a hellish babysitting job, Cara realises that she doesn't want to have kids for "another decade...or two". This turns her even more against the marriage. Cara, you don't have to have kids straight away. Or at all! I know that condoms don't exist in Sweet Valley because no one ever has sex, but I promise that you can get them almost everywhere else in the country.
The twins do everything in their power to convince Steven and Cara that marriage is a bad idea. This basically consists of taking Cara shopping for household supplies and telling her that she'll have to do a lot of cooking. The twins suck when it comes to teaming up to achieve something. I love that this is actually a recurring theme in the books. They fail, of course, and Steven and Cara prepare for the big day. The day before the wedding, Jessica comes over to give Cara some more presents. She lends her the Lavaliere of Truth as well, and tells her about how Steven lied about the law program. This causes Cara to do some Deep Thinking. Does she really want to be married to Steven? I guess it's just regular thinking, as that's been the one thing on her mind throughout the book.
Steven and Cara set off the following morning to Nevada. Question: would this marriage be legal? I googled for information but I couldn't find anything concrete: it seems that Cara, being under eighteen, would have to get parental permission to be married in Nevada, but I'm not sure. Anyway, the two of them talk about their marriage, and Steven promises her that they can take things slowly, which is decent of him.
Meanwhile, at Casa Wakefield, Liz and Jessica decide to tell their mother and father everything. Ned and Alice flail about and have one of those, "Criminey - we're parents?!" moments they seem to have once every twenty books, and the four of them hop in the car to chase after Steven and Cara.
Standing outside the wedding chapel, Steven feels "a mixture of resignation and contentment", just how every happy groom should feel on his wedding day. Neither of them are awesome because they don't break out singing Going To The Chapel, as would surely be appropriate. Instead, the kids wander inside and the justice begins the ceremony right away. But when the ceremony reaches the vows, Cara refuses to marry Steven! Pwned, Steven. Steven is shocked and he runs away. Most overused plot-device ever. And yet somehow it remains popular! YES I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU WRITERS AT FANFICTION DOT NET.
On Tuesday, Cara attends her going-away party. Everyone cries, Cara especially so because Steven won't return her calls. She decides that the only way that she can make things right by talking to Liz. It was at this point I threw the book on the floor and started banging my head against the wall, shouting, "Stupid! Useless! Piece of crap!" It's not a bad book, but Lord Almighty am I sick of Liz.
Unfortunately for Cara, Liz has stayed away from the party because she doesn't want to see her right now. Cara eventually has to call Liz up and beg her to meet her at the Dairi Burger. Did you get that? She has to LEAVE her GOING-AWAY PARTY just because Liz doesn't want to show up. Oh, Liz, you are such a shitty person. Cara says that she said no because she wasn't ready to get married, but it's pretty obvious that the real reason is because she didn't want to exchange Sweet Valley for San Farando. And yeah, this means that she has to move to London - but that's okay, because London has the Wakefield seal of approval. You wouldn't catch the twins living in San Farando.
The following morning, Liz drives to Steven's campus - school be damned! - in order to explain Cara's motives. This makes me laugh: "It was as if southern California was at its most beautiful to say goodbye to Cara, Elizabeth thought fancifully." I think it's the "fancifully" that does it. Hee. Liz, you can't write worth a shit! Anyway, she explains things to Steven, who understands everything. He runs, runs, runs to the airport to say goodbye to Cara! It is the lamest. I can't even describe how stupid it is. Man. This is what I'm going to do instead:
1. Tear out the final few pages of the book;
2. Watch this video in its place;
3. Drink heavily;
4. Sob into my pillow because I WILL NEVER FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME ENOUGH TO BREACH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT SECURITY FOR ME;
5. Repeat stages 2-4 until blind drunk;
6. DANIELLAFROMAGE SMASH;
7. ???
8. PROFIT.
The story ends: "Steven knew that both he and Cara had wonderful futures ahead of them, even though they wouldn't be spending them together after all." And, gosh darn it, it's probably me feeling teary after watching FIVE MINUTES of Love Actually in FRENCH because I am a loser, and QUITE POSSIBLY ALSO all the alcohol, but I think that's kind of a nice way to end things.
B plot
When Todd finds out about Steven and Cara's engagement, he turns into Chandler Bing. He insists that they're going to regret it and that they're both crazy for thinking that it's a good idea. You know, we're meant to think that Todd is super-harsh, but actually I'm totally on his side. Liz thinks he's being mean to be so outspoken, but far better that than just passive-aggressively telling Steven to think things over.
Anyway. At Cara's going-away party, he's all over some sophomore tail. Then a few days later he's all over her again when they're playing volleyball at the beach. Liz doesn't confront him. They both suck. This is a lead in for the following book, The Stolen Diary. It's Liz's diary that's stolen of course, and, as I recall, it's pretty lulzy. Someone should recap it!
Next up: SVH #70: Ms Quarterback!