Sweet Valley High #137: Fight Fire With Fire
Sweet Valley High #137: Fight Fire With Fire
Okay, so it's pretty damn intimidating to go on after the Crazy Margo show. "The Evil Twin" is probably the best Sweet Valley High book ever. But this book isn't so bad either (if you ignore the boring Devon parts; in fact, I advise you to skip those unless you hate yourself). It's the conclusion of the Inferno! (exclamation point) mini series, that answers these burning (get it? haha) questions: What will happen between Lila and Steven? Who (boo) burned down Fowler Crest? Why are the twins such bitches?
And, when I read the title "Fight Fire With Fire" I really, really hoped someone would light John the Crazy Arsonist Rapist on fire. And guess what people? My Thanksgiving dreams came true!
Lila is handcuffed and at the police station, charged with arson. Lila is upset because a) she’s just been arrested and b) they took her jewelry from her! She just bought those! She is booked by an officer in polyester stained with pen ink and fights the urge to sneer at him, lest he take that a sign of her evilness. It’s not evil to have high fashion standards, Lila! Then a police woman with frizzy hair takes Lila to her cell.
I would like to go on record and say that this is the worst miscarriage of justice since Brooke was charged with the murder of her husband in Legally Blonde. Where is Elle Woods when you need her?
The next day, Jessica and Liz go to see Steven for lunch at the D.A.’s office. But oddly, the employees don’t want to talk to them and make them wait. Jessica hates being made to wait. I could not feel less sympathy for her. Your best friend is in jail, lady, don’t whine about your ten minute wait. It turns out Steven is late because he’s fighting with D.A. Joe. Steven wants to post bail for Lila, which is nice but also really unprofessional. The D.A. says Steven’ll be fired from his internship if he does that.
Steven comes out from his fight with D.A. Joe still determined to post bail for Lila. I find this odd, since he thought she was guilty at the end of the last book. But whatever. When he sees Jessica, he starts yelling at her that she was supposed to be Lila’s friend and she didn’t stick by her. Yeah! You tell her, Steven. Jessica insists again that Lila and Steven shouldn’t date, which the D.A. overhears.
Steven gets pissed at them all and shouts, “It doesn’t matter what either of you think! I am not going to desert Lila when she needs me most. I’m not you, Jessica.” Hah. I’m a bit in love with Steven myself in this passage, so I’m going to stop complaining when Lila finds him attractive now.
Steven drives to the jail to bail out Lila, and recaps the previous two books for us. I’ve done that already! Geez! He’s so busy thinking, that he nearly gets in several accidents.
So let that be a lesson to all 1bruce1 members, friends don’t let friends recap and drive.
Liz and Jess go to Guido’s for pizza, instead of lunch with Steven. Liz isn’t hungry; she’s upset (For the record, she’s worried Steven is about to ruin his career, not that Lila is in prison. Nice.). Jessica is a sociopath so she’s just enjoying the pizza. The two bitch about how horrible Steven and Lila are together some more. They continue to plot to break the two up. Reading this passage is so bizarre. JAIL! FIRE! DEATH! What do we talk about? Dating. The Wakefield twins have no ability to put things into perspective.
In jail, Lila daydreams about returning to Fowler Crest, only to remember that her house burned down. Oops. She thinks it was a good thing her parents weren’t home when the fire started or they’d be dead (I guess their bedroom was in the burned part). We are reminded that George and Grace are on some remote island holiday and Lila can’t reach them. She thinks if they really cared about her they would’ve made sure there was a way she could contact them in an emergency. Oh, Lila. They love you; they just have the horrible Sweet Valley parenting gene.
Then Steven arrives and bails Lila out! She is so happy, thinking of him as her knight and shining armor come to rescue her, and I am so happy for her! Yay! Lila wants Steven to take her straight to the spa. She wants to sit in the Jacuzzi and get a massage! That’s our girl with her standards! Steven is scandalized; he can’t believe she doesn’t want to spend time with him right away. Lila sees his odd look and is all “What? Oh, right, I should change first.” Ha! I love you, Lila!
The next day, Lila is back at Sweet Valley High. I’d have taken a sick day if it were me but I guess Lila is made of sterner stuff. Everyone is whispering about her, but Lila thinks her “real friends” will stand by her. She goes to talk to the cheerleaders. A girl named Heather Mallone calls her a criminal and says not nice things to her. Guess what, Heather? I don’t remember you at all, but now you are now dead to me. (EDIT: I remember you now. Still dead.) Amy, Annie and Maria are nicer, but they’re clearly on the fence about whether or not she’s guilty. Caroline tries to get some gossip out of her, but Lila tells her to beat it. Then she sees Liz and Jessica and feels badly that she can’t count on Jessica.
Lila is surprised that Liz and Jessica actually approach her and are nice to her (she doesn’t know this is part of their cunning plan to separate her and Steven). Lila is so touched she starts to cry. Jessica tells Lila she doesn’t believe she’s guilty, which we know is true so it’s the one nice moment here not tainted by the twins’ sociopathy. Lila opens her locker to hide her tears, and sees an envelope in there.
The letter is from “Steven” and it says how much he loves her and how he’ll stick by her, blah blah fake cakes. Then it goes on to talk about the simple wedding they’re going to have at his parents’ backyard. It’ll be a cookout! It goes on to talk about their honeymoon (kayaking) and living in a small house on his modest D.A. salary. Lila is understandably horrified. It makes Steven sound like a caveman. His sisters sure have a high regard for him, the bitches.
Liz thinks Lila’s reaction is hilarious and laughs. Oh, yeah, yuk it up. Joke’s on the girl fresh out of prison. You’re so hilarious, Liz.
Steven goes to the D.A. office in his nice suit. He wonders why he bothered when he knows he’s about to be fired. Joe quickly tells him he was unprofessional and to get the heck out. At which point Steven pipes up. He calls Joe a “law enforcer who’s victimizing an innocent sixteen-year-old girl because finding the real culprit is too complex”!
Ha! First he tells off Jessica and now the crack SV D.A.? Steven, I kinda want to marry you even if it is a cookout. I’ll bring the hot dog rolls.
Of course, D.A. Joe doesn’t take that well. Steven goes to pack up his cubicle. He finds a picture of him and Billie the Girl. He, morosely, reminds us that it was this internship that broke them up. Now he’s lost both Billie and the internship. I’m starting to think he’s less awesome (Buck up! You have Lila fucking Fowler!) when he decides he’s going to take one last look at all the evidence against Lila in the evidence room before he leaves. Awesome again! Of course they just let anyone traipse into the evidence room here in here in Sweet Valley!
Steven examines the home-made bomb that was thrown into the restaurant. He notices a soda logo on it (I don’t know much about making bombs so I’m not sure how the soda is involved, but I imagine it’s the container that held the flammable solution?). Anyway, it’s ProSport Lemon soda which I advise you to never drink, because, as Steven remembers from his trip to the Oracle office, that is John Pfeifer’s brand of choice! Steven wisely decides not to go to D.A. Joe with this evidence, because that went so well last time (also, this time he’s fired). He thinks he’ll clear Lila’s name himself.
Here’s how bad the Sweet Valley justice system is: Steven Wakefield, who randomly falls in love with girls who look like other girls, is smarter than all of them.
Later, Steven takes Lila to get a soda. She thinks this is weird and he’s behaving oddly. When he offers her a ProSport Lemon, she is like “Are you kidding me? I would never drink that! Did you see how many calories there are?” Steven smiles, her reaction confirming his suspicions that she could not have made the bomb. No, no, Lila Fowler would’ve used higher class ingredients in her home-made firebomb!
Then, still without telling her why he’s doing this, he asks Lila to throw the can of soda. She does, thinking he’s totally weird. He asks her to do it again, as hard as she can. She does. But at her best, she still doesn’t throw it high enough or hard enough to match the trajectory of the bomb thrown into the restaurant. Finally, Steven tells her what he knows. He says the fact that she can’t throw it proves she’s innocent. And the soda can links John (boo!) to the case.
Eventually, they start fighting about their future because of the letter. It blows over quickly, but portents things to come.
At school, Liz flips out. She runs to tell Jessica that Steven was just at the Oracle office with Lila. They were looking for evidence together! Insanely, they are not like “Wow, maybe Lila isn’t guilty.” They are upset because their letter did not work. I don’t even know what to say anymore. Liz says she’s going to write another fake letter! Jessica is shocked that Liz isn’t acting like a goody-goody (she wrote the letter last time.) Liz is all pleased with herself for being bad ass; she has shocked her sister! I’m telling you guys, she’s a sociopath too.
They arrive home and are surprised to find Steven on the couch with the letter in his hand (they didn’t think it’d get there so fast. Apparently the SV Post Office is the only government organization with the ability to do its job. Go figure!). This fake letter is from “Lila” and it’s about how, when they get married, they’re going to go lots of fancy places and she’ll make him a successful, famous lawyer. This, for some reason, upsets Steven. He doesn’t want to be successful, damnit!
Liz takes this opportunity to tell him how superficial Lila had always been and how much better his relationship with Billie was. She suggests dumping Lila and calling Billie (wonderful, magical Billie the Girl). Steven says she might be right. But then says, to Elizabeth Wakefield, Head Twin in Charge of Everyone Else’s Business, “It’s my life. Stay out of it, Elizabeth”! ...And he’s three for three! Steven, you are telling off all the right people, my friend.
On Thursday, Jessica heads to the Dairi Burger. Lila has agreed to meet her at the Dairi Burger and Jessica thinks it’s all part of her brilliant plan to win Lila back as a friend and drive a wedge between her and Steven. She’s going to give Lila the photo album she made her now, bask in the glow of what a good friend she is, and then steer the conversation to how different Lila and Steven are based on the photos. You know, Jessica, not everything has to be part of an “operation.” You’re not a spy. You could just be nice to Lila; she's your friend.
Jessica sees Lila sitting alone in a booth, looking sad. This is the actual paragraph that follows: Maybe we can talk about something else, Jessica thought. Something that will cheer her up and take her mind off what’s been going on. But a moment later her conscience was silenced. The ghostwriter is clearly unaware that sociopaths don’t have consciences.
Lila looks at the pictures and is truly touched. One of them is of Jessica and Lila in second grade having a snowball fight in fake snow George Fowler created for his daughter.. Ha! Of course, then Jessica starts in on Steven. She tells Lila that she is the “perfect” person to help Steven with his career, because she can iron his shirts and cook for him. Lila is like, “You know I don’t iron or cook!” She leaves, annoyed that Jessica was supposed to be her best friend but obviously doesn’t know her at all.
Todd and Liz cuddle on the couch. Todd notes how unusually frisky Liz is with the kissing. She says she’s just so happy that Steven and Lila are about to break up. Apparently meddling in other people’s affairs is Liz’s #1 turn on. Too bad Todd’s too stupid to remember that the time he tried to get her in bed in SVU. They could’ve role-played. He’d pretend to be the boy with the crush on Lila Fowler and she would be herself, conniving to “hook him up” with a more suitable match. “Oh, baby, oh baby. You’re all up in my business. You know so much more about me than anyone. Oh, baby. Don’t stop. Tell me what to do.”
To my surprise, Todd doesn’t continue with the kissing. He wants to know more about Steven and Lila. What kind of crappy hormonal teenage boy are you, Todd? When he hears what Liz is done, he tells her off. It’s sort of awesome because I’ve never seen Todd have, like, balls before. He asks her how she’d feel if someone did that to them, and Liz is all “that’s different, we’re perfect for each other.” But Todd says it’s Steven’s life and it’s not Liz’s place to “play games” with it and that she’ll end up “hurting more people than she helps.” Then he storms off! I know! I was shocked my own self!
Shamed, Liz goes to visit Steven in his room. She apologizes for bringing up Billie the Girl the other day (but not for writing fake letters to him, notice). Steven tells her he’s found new evidence that points to John (boo!) as the arsonist. Liz is freaked out. Not because this means she’s been a total bitch to Lila for the last two books, but because she works with John (hiss!) at the Oracle. She doesn’t want to sit next to a maniac. Whatever, Liz, this is Sweet Valley. There are maniacs around every turn.
Jessica comes home and happily relates the details of her talk with Lila to Liz. Liz tells Jessica about John (snarl!). Jessica says she wouldn’t be surprised if he was the arsonist, which shows she’s smarter than Liz sometimes. Liz is like, anyway forget about that crazy arson stuff, let’s plot some more. See, she’s worried that since Lila and Steven haven’t seen each other in a couple days that “absence will make the heart grow fonder.” No, seriously, that’s her concern. So Jess is like, let’s get them alone together while they’re both still pissed and get them to fight it out!" Oh, yes, the Thunderdome approach to relationships. Brilliant.
There is a game with Big Mesa on Saturday, Jessica will make sure Lila shows while Liz and Todd will bring Steven. Then they will make sure the two of them run into each other. They think it’s a perfect plan! No on considers that John (razz!) will, of course, be at the game in his capacity as sportswriter for the Oracle.
Friday, Jess invites Lila to the game.
At the game, Steven feels uncomfortable. (Aside, apparently this big game is a football game. Odd since football is a fall sport and we’ve already been told it’s almost summer break here. Also, Ken Matthews was blind when SVH played Big Mesa. Continuity smontinuity!) He heads toward the bathrooms in the gymnasium, because Liz has just told him that Lila wants to meet him there. You’d think that’d be a tip off; Lila Fowler would never arrange meetings by restrooms. Meanwhile, Lila waits for him. She thinks it’s time to break up with him but is worried if she tells him how she feels, he will stop working on her case. And he’s the only one trying to help clear her name so this is a big concern.
Steve and Lila talk. They both realize they’re trying to break up with the other one and laugh. They’re both pleased they’re on the same page. Lila mentions the letter and Steven is like, “What with the who?” and says he never wrote her a letter. Lila, likewise, knows nothing of the letter left for Steven. They realize the twins have been messing with them. I love how it never occurred to the twins that Steven and Lila might actually mention the letters to each other! Silly details!
Awesomely, Steven and Lila decide they’re going to get revenge on the twins. Yeah, that’s right! Always awesome Lila and newly awesome Steven are coming for you, bitches. I bet you’re shaking in your perfect size sixes.
Steven and Lila are holding hands and pretending to be in love to spite Jess and Liz, when Lila spots John (hiss!). He’s been following them. Caught, John (boo!) tries to flee but both Steven and Lila rush after him. Lila can’t run as fast as either Steven or John, but she thinks she’s so tired of being afraid of John (snarl!) that her anger pushes her on. Yeah! Go, Lila!
Suddenly, she just knows that John (razz!) has planned something horrible. Steven tackles him, but he gets away.
They follow, to be confronted directly by Crazy John the Rapist/Arsonist and his Crazy Rapist/Arsonist Eyes. He tells them that he is in charge now, and reveals that he has a very large homemade bomb with him. He shouts that he loved Lila and she ruined his life by lying and saying he tried to rape her. Lila is not having any of that. She tells him she wishes it were a lie; but it was the truth. He tried to rape her.
Then John (boo!) goes into his Crazy Rapist/Arsonist Tirade. He says that she thinks she’s too good for him, that she treated him like garbage and thought she had beaten him. Then, because he’s psychotic, he starts to laugh psychotically. Steven tries to talk him down and be reasonable, but of course there is no reasoning with Crazy John the Rapist/Arsonist.
He announces that he is smarter than Lila (as if!). Since Lila ruined his life; he planned to ruin hers. He burned down Fowler Crest. He made everyone think she did it. He wanted her to feel like an outcast too. He demands to know how it feels. Lila remains silent, thinking he is enjoying himself taunting her.
Crazy John continues with his Crazy Rapist/Arsonist Tirade. He starts talking about how beautiful the fire was, how much he loved seeing Fowler Crest burn. He says the fire makes him feel alive. There's just so much crazy going on in his Crazy Rapist/Arsonist Tirade, I just don't know where to put it all.
Then he says he’s going on in a blaze of glory and he’s taking Lila (and Steven, because he happens to be with her) along with him. He lights the fuse on his homemade bomb. Steven yells for Lila to run and attempts to tackle John, but is too late. The bomb goes into the air.
Steven grabs Lila and the two of them run for their lives. As they flee, Lila looks back at Crazy John the Rapist/Arsonist and sees that he is grinning like a maniac and crying with joy at the sight of the bomb. The last thing he shouts is, “ALIVE!” which is totally crazy and awesome, I don’t think I need to tell you. Then the chapter ends.
Holy shit!
We then cut to boring Liz and Todd. They’re boringly eating food. I am so frustrated that I have to sit through them talking about potato chips when Crazy John the Rapist/Arsonist just tried to blow up Lila! Suddenly Liz has some completely contrived family intuition and knows that Steven is in danger. Oh whatever.
Then the bomb explodes. Back to the Awesome!
The bomb was inside the gymnasium. The windows blow out. The whole building is engulfed in flames. Liz freaks out because she sent Steven in there with her stupid plan. She realizes that if something happens to Steven and Lila then it is all her and Jessica’s fault. Too true! That’s what you get for your meddling, Liz! Was breaking him up with Lila worth nearly getting him blown to bits? Huh? HUH?!
Liz runs toward the gymnasium (whereas everyone else is running away) screaming. Todd chases after her, but she doesn’t listen to him. Eventually she is stopped by some security guards, who have to physically hold her down to keep her from running into the burning building. Yeah, she’s the smart twin.
Jessica appears, sobbing as well. The twins freak out together while Todd tries to assure them that Steven will be okay.
Firefighters and ambulances arrive on scene. Apparently, I lied when I said the Post Office is not the only office that can do its job. I take that back. Because not a page after the firemen show up, they emerge from the building, leading two figures to safety. Steve and Lila are miraculously alive. Then, another page later, the firemen bring out another person. Except this person is in a body bag, dead. Liz wonders who it could be.
God, Liz, you are so fucking stupid I can’t even put it into words right now.
Steven and Lila stand by the ambulances and talk. (The police won’t let anyone near them, until they’ve gotten statements.) Lila says she can’t believe she’s alive. She thinks this whole mini series has been like a horrible dream. Steven assures her that soon she will go back to her life-a life millions of girls envy. Lila insists that people only envy her because they don’t know how horrible it is being her sometimes. She blames herself for all of this.
Steven corrects her. He says all of this happened because of John (boo!) not Lila. And he is right. You rock hard in this book, Steven.
Then Steven and Lila see the body bag and Steven goes over and confirms that it is John the Crazy Arsonist Rapist. Lila begins to cry. The EMTs try to give her a sedative but she freaks out, with visions of John trying to rape her, John screaming “Alive!”, etc. Finally, Steven grabs her to him and holds her, letting her cry it out.
The next morning, Steven makes pancakes. Lila stayed over at Casa Wakefield after the bombing. It was nearly 2 am by the time the two of them were released from the hospital and police. Liz and Jessica show up and eat their pancakes. Liz is sad that John is dead. Jessica says good riddance. I side with Jessica. I was boo!-ing the sucker before I knew he turned into a crazy arsonist too!
Just then, the doorbell rings and is D.A. Joe. Steven is like, “Oh, hai, I’m in my pajamas." Joe offers Steven his internship back. He apologizes to Steven, since obviously John (boo!) was the crazy one lighting things on fire, not Lila. He goes on to tell Steven that when the police actually investigated John (imagine that! The police investigating things!), they discovered that he had been stalking Lila for a year (really? Um, didn’t he just try to rape her a couple months ago?), he kept a Crazy Diary about how much he hated her, and he had all sorts of bomb making material in his room. Somehow Steven refrains from saying, “Gosh, Joe, why didn’t you look in his room before? That would’ve saved the gym from being blown up.”
As the D.A. leaves, Liz suggests Steven call Billie to tell her he got his job back (what?!?). Then Lila appears, at the perfect awkward moment. Steven and Lila, despite being nearly blown to pieces haven’t forgotten their plans to make the twins squirm. Steven gleefully announces he got his “job” back and Lila exclaims, “Oh, my love muffin! That’s fabulous.” Then they tell the twins that they got engaged last night.
No. I am not making this up. It’s awesome served with a side of awesome sauce. Steve and Lila for the win!
Later, Steven drops Lila off at Fowler Crest and they are pleased with themselves for making the twins sick. They still haven’t told the twins it’s a trick yet, and they’re not sure when they might do that. Muahahahaha.
Despite Lila’s cheerful demeanor, Steven notices that she is sad. She tells him she feels “lost.” Steven, who has become very smart in this mini series, says that anyone would feel that way after what she’s been through. But that she’s in a lot better shape than most people would be, because she is so strong. Then he calls her “pal” and they part on good terms.
Steven then goes and calls Billie the Girl. They make up as we knew they were going to do.
Lila, meanwhile, feels alone at Fowler Crest. She thinks about having a bubble bath but doesn’t know if she wants to stay in the big, empty house. That is when she notices the luggage in the hallway. George and Grace are finally back (just in time to have missed everything)! She is surprised to see that her normally composed father has been freaking out with worry over where she was. She realizes that they love her (of course they do! How could they not love you, Lila?).
George awesomely rants that he can’t believe how poorly the SV D.A. treated Lila and he’s going to make sure D.A. Joe makes her a public apology or he’ll be fired. Grace agrees, saying it’s shameful they were treating her like a suspect when they should’ve been protecting her from John (boo!). Lila then breaks it to them that John is dead. They don’t know what to make of this.
Her parents tell her she did a brilliant job rebuilding the mansion all by herself. They say it’s obvious she can handle anything! And she can. But she says she wishes they had been there and tells them how alone she felt. They say they went off on remote trips so often because they thought she liked her independence, but now realize they put her in a terrible position. They promise never to do it again. That’s something, I guess.
Lila’s parents offer to buy her things to make it up to her. (1. A new car. 2. A fancy ball gown. 3. A tennis bracelet. 4. A European racing bike. 5. Ruby earrings.) Lila turns them all down saying she isn’t as into material possessions anymore. Then George offers to send her and a friend to Aspen on a ski vacation, and Lila considers. (If someone has the next book, I'd be curious to see which friend she takes? I'm thinking Steven at this point.)
The last scene is the twins at Casa Wakefield, thinking how horrible it is that Steven and Lila are engaged. The book ends with them still unaware that it was all a ruse. Haha!
Boring Devon is at a crappy motel. He actually thinks, about his parents, that he’s sorry they died but he doesn’t miss them. Holy crap, that’s cold. He recounts for us the travails of trying to find a guardian. He moans about how terrible his life is. I am not impressed. Yes, life is indeed so hard for people who have to wait four years for a guaranteed $20 million from their dead parents that they don’t miss.
Mail comes for Devon. I wonder how the fuck he’s getting mail at the cheap motel. It’s all funeral/legal/tax stuff. (The ghostwriter actually puts in that the law firm that handles his family’s estate is “Boyd, Dewey, Cheetam and Howe” which is hilarious if you’re five.) He chucks it all, which is exactly what you’re supposed to do with important paperwork, Devon but then he realizes one letter isn’t business! It’s from Sweet Valley! It’s from a woman named Nan Johnstone. He realizes this is the Nanny he remember so fondly in the last book.
We get a flashback, in which we are apparently supposed to feel sorry for young Devon, but I do not. When he was seven, his parents decided he was too old for a baby-sitter, and Nana was fired. Devon cried, cried, cried, but then told him to act like a grown up. And then when he continues to cry, his father gets pissed and sends him to his room. I'm not impressed. I give it about a 3 on the Sweet Valley Scale of Bad Parenting.
He reads Nana’s letter, in which she invites him to come see her in Sweet Valley, and he thinks that she just wants his money now and if she really cared she wouldn’t have left (she was fucking fired!) or tried to contact him before. But he decides to go to SV anyway, just to see if she’s in it for the cash. You know what Devon? So your parents were crappy parents. Guess what? Welcome to Sweet Valley. Everyone’s parents are crappy parents here. So it’s no excuse for being a dick.
After two book and nearly 100 pages of the third, Devon finally arrives in Sweet Valley. He only just got here and already I’m sick of him!
He gets to Nana’s house. She is old now, with gray hair. She hugs him when she sees him and cries a little. She shows him her small house, which has doilies and old lady things in it. I have a soft spot for old ladies, you guys. She off-handedly mentions that it’s small but she hopes to move someplace else. He meanly thinks she’s after his money. Then he sees that she has pictures of him around her house. He wonders why she would keep them all these years if she just wanted his money. I wonder why she would keep them all these years period.
Nana makes Devon his favorite meal from childhood. Personally, I wouldn’t want to eat the same stuff I liked when I was seven, but Devon is touched. We learn that Nana runs a preschool in Sweet Valley now. She tells him she’s always dreamed of seeing him again (why?). He meanly asks why she didn’t try to contact him then. She says she wasn’t able to before but doesn’t want to talk about it. And he scoffs and gets meaner. (Being an idiot, it’s not immediately obvious where she is going with this.) He lies to her and tells her if anyone told her he has money, they were wrong. He’s disinherited and can’t pay for anything. Nana, being a nice old lady, is all “that’s terrible, Devon!”
You guys, I don’t want this dickhead to end up with this nice, old lady even if she’ll get $10 million out of it.
A while later, Devon is helping Nana around the house. She wants him to go out and meet girls but he apparently thinks fixing squeaky doors is more important. Devon goes and rummages around in the garage for nails, when he comes across and old box with lots of letters in it. He thinks, at first, that they are love letters because he’s an idiot and doesn’t see where this is going from a mile away. But they are, of course, addressed to him. They were all sent back ‘return to sender’ by his parents. Since they’re addressed to him, Devon cracks ‘em open and reads. They begin shortly after she was fired and talk about how much she misses him. The last one is from only a month earlier (which makes me wonder why she continued to send them, knowing they’d be returned). Realizing that Nana loves him for always, Devon starts to cry.
Nana finds him stooping. He asks her why she didn’t say something when he asked her why she didn’t try to contact him. She says since his parents just died and all, she didn’t want to say bad stuff about them. Little does she know he doesn’t even miss them. He starts talking shit about his parents, how they never hugged him (boo freaking hoo) and what not. She sternly tells him that they did the best they could and he shouldn’t think ill of the dead.
Devon shouts that he hates his parents. Nana tells him he can’t hate them, or it will make him all twisted and yucky inside (that’s more my words than hers because he’s is fucking yucky inside). She says he has to put it behind him.
Then she tells him she wants him to stay here with her (presumably so she can turn him into something resembling a human person, not a little dickhead). She also says she wants him to start school soon. She knows he’s missed a lot of school but she’s confident he can catch up since he’s such a smart boy. Ego stroke, Devon agrees to live with Nana and says he wants her to become his legal guardian.
Now knowing he’s going to stay, Devon explores Sweet Valley on his Harley. He sees some kids hanging out at the Dairi Burger (which he thinks is a “quaint” name). They’re all excited about the big game; he decides to follow them because he’s a creepy stalker because he’ll be going to SVH one day.
At the game, Devon sees a beautiful blonde girl in a yellow sundress. He thinks she looks so pure-just his kind of girl (ooookay). He’s instantly in contrived love with her. Then Devon watches the cheerleaders. One of them looks just like the girl he’s in love with! How odd! He liked the yellow sundress better than the cheerleading uniform (oookay). He fantasies about dating “the girl.” Creepily he says to “the girl”, ”You don’t know who I am, but you will be mine.”
After the awesome Crazy John scenes, we return to boring Devon’s world, we learn he searched for the girl in the yellow dress during the bombing because he wanted to protect her, but was unable to find her. Now he’s back at Nana’s doing chores. He thinks it’s not everyday that a school nearly blows up in your face. He really isn’t from around here, is he?
Finally, Devon tells Nana about the money. Her reaction? “That’s a lot of money. Invest it well, Devon.” She tells him she already knew his parents didn’t disinherit him, because they loved him so much. He doesn’t understand, because he thought they never paid him any attention. Then she goes on to tell him all the ways they cared, but were unable to show it.
Oh, whatever.
Okay, so it's pretty damn intimidating to go on after the Crazy Margo show. "The Evil Twin" is probably the best Sweet Valley High book ever. But this book isn't so bad either (if you ignore the boring Devon parts; in fact, I advise you to skip those unless you hate yourself). It's the conclusion of the Inferno! (exclamation point) mini series, that answers these burning (get it? haha) questions: What will happen between Lila and Steven? Who (boo) burned down Fowler Crest? Why are the twins such bitches?
And, when I read the title "Fight Fire With Fire" I really, really hoped someone would light John the Crazy Arsonist Rapist on fire. And guess what people? My Thanksgiving dreams came true!
Lila is handcuffed and at the police station, charged with arson. Lila is upset because a) she’s just been arrested and b) they took her jewelry from her! She just bought those! She is booked by an officer in polyester stained with pen ink and fights the urge to sneer at him, lest he take that a sign of her evilness. It’s not evil to have high fashion standards, Lila! Then a police woman with frizzy hair takes Lila to her cell.
I would like to go on record and say that this is the worst miscarriage of justice since Brooke was charged with the murder of her husband in Legally Blonde. Where is Elle Woods when you need her?
The next day, Jessica and Liz go to see Steven for lunch at the D.A.’s office. But oddly, the employees don’t want to talk to them and make them wait. Jessica hates being made to wait. I could not feel less sympathy for her. Your best friend is in jail, lady, don’t whine about your ten minute wait. It turns out Steven is late because he’s fighting with D.A. Joe. Steven wants to post bail for Lila, which is nice but also really unprofessional. The D.A. says Steven’ll be fired from his internship if he does that.
Steven comes out from his fight with D.A. Joe still determined to post bail for Lila. I find this odd, since he thought she was guilty at the end of the last book. But whatever. When he sees Jessica, he starts yelling at her that she was supposed to be Lila’s friend and she didn’t stick by her. Yeah! You tell her, Steven. Jessica insists again that Lila and Steven shouldn’t date, which the D.A. overhears.
Steven gets pissed at them all and shouts, “It doesn’t matter what either of you think! I am not going to desert Lila when she needs me most. I’m not you, Jessica.” Hah. I’m a bit in love with Steven myself in this passage, so I’m going to stop complaining when Lila finds him attractive now.
Steven drives to the jail to bail out Lila, and recaps the previous two books for us. I’ve done that already! Geez! He’s so busy thinking, that he nearly gets in several accidents.
So let that be a lesson to all 1bruce1 members, friends don’t let friends recap and drive.
Liz and Jess go to Guido’s for pizza, instead of lunch with Steven. Liz isn’t hungry; she’s upset (For the record, she’s worried Steven is about to ruin his career, not that Lila is in prison. Nice.). Jessica is a sociopath so she’s just enjoying the pizza. The two bitch about how horrible Steven and Lila are together some more. They continue to plot to break the two up. Reading this passage is so bizarre. JAIL! FIRE! DEATH! What do we talk about? Dating. The Wakefield twins have no ability to put things into perspective.
In jail, Lila daydreams about returning to Fowler Crest, only to remember that her house burned down. Oops. She thinks it was a good thing her parents weren’t home when the fire started or they’d be dead (I guess their bedroom was in the burned part). We are reminded that George and Grace are on some remote island holiday and Lila can’t reach them. She thinks if they really cared about her they would’ve made sure there was a way she could contact them in an emergency. Oh, Lila. They love you; they just have the horrible Sweet Valley parenting gene.
Then Steven arrives and bails Lila out! She is so happy, thinking of him as her knight and shining armor come to rescue her, and I am so happy for her! Yay! Lila wants Steven to take her straight to the spa. She wants to sit in the Jacuzzi and get a massage! That’s our girl with her standards! Steven is scandalized; he can’t believe she doesn’t want to spend time with him right away. Lila sees his odd look and is all “What? Oh, right, I should change first.” Ha! I love you, Lila!
The next day, Lila is back at Sweet Valley High. I’d have taken a sick day if it were me but I guess Lila is made of sterner stuff. Everyone is whispering about her, but Lila thinks her “real friends” will stand by her. She goes to talk to the cheerleaders. A girl named Heather Mallone calls her a criminal and says not nice things to her. Guess what, Heather? I don’t remember you at all, but now you are now dead to me. (EDIT: I remember you now. Still dead.) Amy, Annie and Maria are nicer, but they’re clearly on the fence about whether or not she’s guilty. Caroline tries to get some gossip out of her, but Lila tells her to beat it. Then she sees Liz and Jessica and feels badly that she can’t count on Jessica.
Lila is surprised that Liz and Jessica actually approach her and are nice to her (she doesn’t know this is part of their cunning plan to separate her and Steven). Lila is so touched she starts to cry. Jessica tells Lila she doesn’t believe she’s guilty, which we know is true so it’s the one nice moment here not tainted by the twins’ sociopathy. Lila opens her locker to hide her tears, and sees an envelope in there.
The letter is from “Steven” and it says how much he loves her and how he’ll stick by her, blah blah fake cakes. Then it goes on to talk about the simple wedding they’re going to have at his parents’ backyard. It’ll be a cookout! It goes on to talk about their honeymoon (kayaking) and living in a small house on his modest D.A. salary. Lila is understandably horrified. It makes Steven sound like a caveman. His sisters sure have a high regard for him, the bitches.
Liz thinks Lila’s reaction is hilarious and laughs. Oh, yeah, yuk it up. Joke’s on the girl fresh out of prison. You’re so hilarious, Liz.
Steven goes to the D.A. office in his nice suit. He wonders why he bothered when he knows he’s about to be fired. Joe quickly tells him he was unprofessional and to get the heck out. At which point Steven pipes up. He calls Joe a “law enforcer who’s victimizing an innocent sixteen-year-old girl because finding the real culprit is too complex”!
Ha! First he tells off Jessica and now the crack SV D.A.? Steven, I kinda want to marry you even if it is a cookout. I’ll bring the hot dog rolls.
Of course, D.A. Joe doesn’t take that well. Steven goes to pack up his cubicle. He finds a picture of him and Billie the Girl. He, morosely, reminds us that it was this internship that broke them up. Now he’s lost both Billie and the internship. I’m starting to think he’s less awesome (Buck up! You have Lila fucking Fowler!) when he decides he’s going to take one last look at all the evidence against Lila in the evidence room before he leaves. Awesome again! Of course they just let anyone traipse into the evidence room here in here in Sweet Valley!
Steven examines the home-made bomb that was thrown into the restaurant. He notices a soda logo on it (I don’t know much about making bombs so I’m not sure how the soda is involved, but I imagine it’s the container that held the flammable solution?). Anyway, it’s ProSport Lemon soda which I advise you to never drink, because, as Steven remembers from his trip to the Oracle office, that is John Pfeifer’s brand of choice! Steven wisely decides not to go to D.A. Joe with this evidence, because that went so well last time (also, this time he’s fired). He thinks he’ll clear Lila’s name himself.
Here’s how bad the Sweet Valley justice system is: Steven Wakefield, who randomly falls in love with girls who look like other girls, is smarter than all of them.
Later, Steven takes Lila to get a soda. She thinks this is weird and he’s behaving oddly. When he offers her a ProSport Lemon, she is like “Are you kidding me? I would never drink that! Did you see how many calories there are?” Steven smiles, her reaction confirming his suspicions that she could not have made the bomb. No, no, Lila Fowler would’ve used higher class ingredients in her home-made firebomb!
Then, still without telling her why he’s doing this, he asks Lila to throw the can of soda. She does, thinking he’s totally weird. He asks her to do it again, as hard as she can. She does. But at her best, she still doesn’t throw it high enough or hard enough to match the trajectory of the bomb thrown into the restaurant. Finally, Steven tells her what he knows. He says the fact that she can’t throw it proves she’s innocent. And the soda can links John (boo!) to the case.
Eventually, they start fighting about their future because of the letter. It blows over quickly, but portents things to come.
At school, Liz flips out. She runs to tell Jessica that Steven was just at the Oracle office with Lila. They were looking for evidence together! Insanely, they are not like “Wow, maybe Lila isn’t guilty.” They are upset because their letter did not work. I don’t even know what to say anymore. Liz says she’s going to write another fake letter! Jessica is shocked that Liz isn’t acting like a goody-goody (she wrote the letter last time.) Liz is all pleased with herself for being bad ass; she has shocked her sister! I’m telling you guys, she’s a sociopath too.
They arrive home and are surprised to find Steven on the couch with the letter in his hand (they didn’t think it’d get there so fast. Apparently the SV Post Office is the only government organization with the ability to do its job. Go figure!). This fake letter is from “Lila” and it’s about how, when they get married, they’re going to go lots of fancy places and she’ll make him a successful, famous lawyer. This, for some reason, upsets Steven. He doesn’t want to be successful, damnit!
Liz takes this opportunity to tell him how superficial Lila had always been and how much better his relationship with Billie was. She suggests dumping Lila and calling Billie (wonderful, magical Billie the Girl). Steven says she might be right. But then says, to Elizabeth Wakefield, Head Twin in Charge of Everyone Else’s Business, “It’s my life. Stay out of it, Elizabeth”! ...And he’s three for three! Steven, you are telling off all the right people, my friend.
On Thursday, Jessica heads to the Dairi Burger. Lila has agreed to meet her at the Dairi Burger and Jessica thinks it’s all part of her brilliant plan to win Lila back as a friend and drive a wedge between her and Steven. She’s going to give Lila the photo album she made her now, bask in the glow of what a good friend she is, and then steer the conversation to how different Lila and Steven are based on the photos. You know, Jessica, not everything has to be part of an “operation.” You’re not a spy. You could just be nice to Lila; she's your friend.
Jessica sees Lila sitting alone in a booth, looking sad. This is the actual paragraph that follows: Maybe we can talk about something else, Jessica thought. Something that will cheer her up and take her mind off what’s been going on. But a moment later her conscience was silenced. The ghostwriter is clearly unaware that sociopaths don’t have consciences.
Lila looks at the pictures and is truly touched. One of them is of Jessica and Lila in second grade having a snowball fight in fake snow George Fowler created for his daughter.. Ha! Of course, then Jessica starts in on Steven. She tells Lila that she is the “perfect” person to help Steven with his career, because she can iron his shirts and cook for him. Lila is like, “You know I don’t iron or cook!” She leaves, annoyed that Jessica was supposed to be her best friend but obviously doesn’t know her at all.
Todd and Liz cuddle on the couch. Todd notes how unusually frisky Liz is with the kissing. She says she’s just so happy that Steven and Lila are about to break up. Apparently meddling in other people’s affairs is Liz’s #1 turn on. Too bad Todd’s too stupid to remember that the time he tried to get her in bed in SVU. They could’ve role-played. He’d pretend to be the boy with the crush on Lila Fowler and she would be herself, conniving to “hook him up” with a more suitable match. “Oh, baby, oh baby. You’re all up in my business. You know so much more about me than anyone. Oh, baby. Don’t stop. Tell me what to do.”
To my surprise, Todd doesn’t continue with the kissing. He wants to know more about Steven and Lila. What kind of crappy hormonal teenage boy are you, Todd? When he hears what Liz is done, he tells her off. It’s sort of awesome because I’ve never seen Todd have, like, balls before. He asks her how she’d feel if someone did that to them, and Liz is all “that’s different, we’re perfect for each other.” But Todd says it’s Steven’s life and it’s not Liz’s place to “play games” with it and that she’ll end up “hurting more people than she helps.” Then he storms off! I know! I was shocked my own self!
Shamed, Liz goes to visit Steven in his room. She apologizes for bringing up Billie the Girl the other day (but not for writing fake letters to him, notice). Steven tells her he’s found new evidence that points to John (boo!) as the arsonist. Liz is freaked out. Not because this means she’s been a total bitch to Lila for the last two books, but because she works with John (hiss!) at the Oracle. She doesn’t want to sit next to a maniac. Whatever, Liz, this is Sweet Valley. There are maniacs around every turn.
Jessica comes home and happily relates the details of her talk with Lila to Liz. Liz tells Jessica about John (snarl!). Jessica says she wouldn’t be surprised if he was the arsonist, which shows she’s smarter than Liz sometimes. Liz is like, anyway forget about that crazy arson stuff, let’s plot some more. See, she’s worried that since Lila and Steven haven’t seen each other in a couple days that “absence will make the heart grow fonder.” No, seriously, that’s her concern. So Jess is like, let’s get them alone together while they’re both still pissed and get them to fight it out!" Oh, yes, the Thunderdome approach to relationships. Brilliant.
There is a game with Big Mesa on Saturday, Jessica will make sure Lila shows while Liz and Todd will bring Steven. Then they will make sure the two of them run into each other. They think it’s a perfect plan! No on considers that John (razz!) will, of course, be at the game in his capacity as sportswriter for the Oracle.
Friday, Jess invites Lila to the game.
At the game, Steven feels uncomfortable. (Aside, apparently this big game is a football game. Odd since football is a fall sport and we’ve already been told it’s almost summer break here. Also, Ken Matthews was blind when SVH played Big Mesa. Continuity smontinuity!) He heads toward the bathrooms in the gymnasium, because Liz has just told him that Lila wants to meet him there. You’d think that’d be a tip off; Lila Fowler would never arrange meetings by restrooms. Meanwhile, Lila waits for him. She thinks it’s time to break up with him but is worried if she tells him how she feels, he will stop working on her case. And he’s the only one trying to help clear her name so this is a big concern.
Steve and Lila talk. They both realize they’re trying to break up with the other one and laugh. They’re both pleased they’re on the same page. Lila mentions the letter and Steven is like, “What with the who?” and says he never wrote her a letter. Lila, likewise, knows nothing of the letter left for Steven. They realize the twins have been messing with them. I love how it never occurred to the twins that Steven and Lila might actually mention the letters to each other! Silly details!
Awesomely, Steven and Lila decide they’re going to get revenge on the twins. Yeah, that’s right! Always awesome Lila and newly awesome Steven are coming for you, bitches. I bet you’re shaking in your perfect size sixes.
Steven and Lila are holding hands and pretending to be in love to spite Jess and Liz, when Lila spots John (hiss!). He’s been following them. Caught, John (boo!) tries to flee but both Steven and Lila rush after him. Lila can’t run as fast as either Steven or John, but she thinks she’s so tired of being afraid of John (snarl!) that her anger pushes her on. Yeah! Go, Lila!
Suddenly, she just knows that John (razz!) has planned something horrible. Steven tackles him, but he gets away.
They follow, to be confronted directly by Crazy John the Rapist/Arsonist and his Crazy Rapist/Arsonist Eyes. He tells them that he is in charge now, and reveals that he has a very large homemade bomb with him. He shouts that he loved Lila and she ruined his life by lying and saying he tried to rape her. Lila is not having any of that. She tells him she wishes it were a lie; but it was the truth. He tried to rape her.
Then John (boo!) goes into his Crazy Rapist/Arsonist Tirade. He says that she thinks she’s too good for him, that she treated him like garbage and thought she had beaten him. Then, because he’s psychotic, he starts to laugh psychotically. Steven tries to talk him down and be reasonable, but of course there is no reasoning with Crazy John the Rapist/Arsonist.
He announces that he is smarter than Lila (as if!). Since Lila ruined his life; he planned to ruin hers. He burned down Fowler Crest. He made everyone think she did it. He wanted her to feel like an outcast too. He demands to know how it feels. Lila remains silent, thinking he is enjoying himself taunting her.
Crazy John continues with his Crazy Rapist/Arsonist Tirade. He starts talking about how beautiful the fire was, how much he loved seeing Fowler Crest burn. He says the fire makes him feel alive. There's just so much crazy going on in his Crazy Rapist/Arsonist Tirade, I just don't know where to put it all.
Then he says he’s going on in a blaze of glory and he’s taking Lila (and Steven, because he happens to be with her) along with him. He lights the fuse on his homemade bomb. Steven yells for Lila to run and attempts to tackle John, but is too late. The bomb goes into the air.
Steven grabs Lila and the two of them run for their lives. As they flee, Lila looks back at Crazy John the Rapist/Arsonist and sees that he is grinning like a maniac and crying with joy at the sight of the bomb. The last thing he shouts is, “ALIVE!” which is totally crazy and awesome, I don’t think I need to tell you. Then the chapter ends.
Holy shit!
We then cut to boring Liz and Todd. They’re boringly eating food. I am so frustrated that I have to sit through them talking about potato chips when Crazy John the Rapist/Arsonist just tried to blow up Lila! Suddenly Liz has some completely contrived family intuition and knows that Steven is in danger. Oh whatever.
Then the bomb explodes. Back to the Awesome!
The bomb was inside the gymnasium. The windows blow out. The whole building is engulfed in flames. Liz freaks out because she sent Steven in there with her stupid plan. She realizes that if something happens to Steven and Lila then it is all her and Jessica’s fault. Too true! That’s what you get for your meddling, Liz! Was breaking him up with Lila worth nearly getting him blown to bits? Huh? HUH?!
Liz runs toward the gymnasium (whereas everyone else is running away) screaming. Todd chases after her, but she doesn’t listen to him. Eventually she is stopped by some security guards, who have to physically hold her down to keep her from running into the burning building. Yeah, she’s the smart twin.
Jessica appears, sobbing as well. The twins freak out together while Todd tries to assure them that Steven will be okay.
Firefighters and ambulances arrive on scene. Apparently, I lied when I said the Post Office is not the only office that can do its job. I take that back. Because not a page after the firemen show up, they emerge from the building, leading two figures to safety. Steve and Lila are miraculously alive. Then, another page later, the firemen bring out another person. Except this person is in a body bag, dead. Liz wonders who it could be.
God, Liz, you are so fucking stupid I can’t even put it into words right now.
Steven and Lila stand by the ambulances and talk. (The police won’t let anyone near them, until they’ve gotten statements.) Lila says she can’t believe she’s alive. She thinks this whole mini series has been like a horrible dream. Steven assures her that soon she will go back to her life-a life millions of girls envy. Lila insists that people only envy her because they don’t know how horrible it is being her sometimes. She blames herself for all of this.
Steven corrects her. He says all of this happened because of John (boo!) not Lila. And he is right. You rock hard in this book, Steven.
Then Steven and Lila see the body bag and Steven goes over and confirms that it is John the Crazy Arsonist Rapist. Lila begins to cry. The EMTs try to give her a sedative but she freaks out, with visions of John trying to rape her, John screaming “Alive!”, etc. Finally, Steven grabs her to him and holds her, letting her cry it out.
The next morning, Steven makes pancakes. Lila stayed over at Casa Wakefield after the bombing. It was nearly 2 am by the time the two of them were released from the hospital and police. Liz and Jessica show up and eat their pancakes. Liz is sad that John is dead. Jessica says good riddance. I side with Jessica. I was boo!-ing the sucker before I knew he turned into a crazy arsonist too!
Just then, the doorbell rings and is D.A. Joe. Steven is like, “Oh, hai, I’m in my pajamas." Joe offers Steven his internship back. He apologizes to Steven, since obviously John (boo!) was the crazy one lighting things on fire, not Lila. He goes on to tell Steven that when the police actually investigated John (imagine that! The police investigating things!), they discovered that he had been stalking Lila for a year (really? Um, didn’t he just try to rape her a couple months ago?), he kept a Crazy Diary about how much he hated her, and he had all sorts of bomb making material in his room. Somehow Steven refrains from saying, “Gosh, Joe, why didn’t you look in his room before? That would’ve saved the gym from being blown up.”
As the D.A. leaves, Liz suggests Steven call Billie to tell her he got his job back (what?!?). Then Lila appears, at the perfect awkward moment. Steven and Lila, despite being nearly blown to pieces haven’t forgotten their plans to make the twins squirm. Steven gleefully announces he got his “job” back and Lila exclaims, “Oh, my love muffin! That’s fabulous.” Then they tell the twins that they got engaged last night.
No. I am not making this up. It’s awesome served with a side of awesome sauce. Steve and Lila for the win!
Later, Steven drops Lila off at Fowler Crest and they are pleased with themselves for making the twins sick. They still haven’t told the twins it’s a trick yet, and they’re not sure when they might do that. Muahahahaha.
Despite Lila’s cheerful demeanor, Steven notices that she is sad. She tells him she feels “lost.” Steven, who has become very smart in this mini series, says that anyone would feel that way after what she’s been through. But that she’s in a lot better shape than most people would be, because she is so strong. Then he calls her “pal” and they part on good terms.
Steven then goes and calls Billie the Girl. They make up as we knew they were going to do.
Lila, meanwhile, feels alone at Fowler Crest. She thinks about having a bubble bath but doesn’t know if she wants to stay in the big, empty house. That is when she notices the luggage in the hallway. George and Grace are finally back (just in time to have missed everything)! She is surprised to see that her normally composed father has been freaking out with worry over where she was. She realizes that they love her (of course they do! How could they not love you, Lila?).
George awesomely rants that he can’t believe how poorly the SV D.A. treated Lila and he’s going to make sure D.A. Joe makes her a public apology or he’ll be fired. Grace agrees, saying it’s shameful they were treating her like a suspect when they should’ve been protecting her from John (boo!). Lila then breaks it to them that John is dead. They don’t know what to make of this.
Her parents tell her she did a brilliant job rebuilding the mansion all by herself. They say it’s obvious she can handle anything! And she can. But she says she wishes they had been there and tells them how alone she felt. They say they went off on remote trips so often because they thought she liked her independence, but now realize they put her in a terrible position. They promise never to do it again. That’s something, I guess.
Lila’s parents offer to buy her things to make it up to her. (1. A new car. 2. A fancy ball gown. 3. A tennis bracelet. 4. A European racing bike. 5. Ruby earrings.) Lila turns them all down saying she isn’t as into material possessions anymore. Then George offers to send her and a friend to Aspen on a ski vacation, and Lila considers. (If someone has the next book, I'd be curious to see which friend she takes? I'm thinking Steven at this point.)
The last scene is the twins at Casa Wakefield, thinking how horrible it is that Steven and Lila are engaged. The book ends with them still unaware that it was all a ruse. Haha!
Boring Devon is at a crappy motel. He actually thinks, about his parents, that he’s sorry they died but he doesn’t miss them. Holy crap, that’s cold. He recounts for us the travails of trying to find a guardian. He moans about how terrible his life is. I am not impressed. Yes, life is indeed so hard for people who have to wait four years for a guaranteed $20 million from their dead parents that they don’t miss.
Mail comes for Devon. I wonder how the fuck he’s getting mail at the cheap motel. It’s all funeral/legal/tax stuff. (The ghostwriter actually puts in that the law firm that handles his family’s estate is “Boyd, Dewey, Cheetam and Howe” which is hilarious if you’re five.) He chucks it all, which is exactly what you’re supposed to do with important paperwork, Devon but then he realizes one letter isn’t business! It’s from Sweet Valley! It’s from a woman named Nan Johnstone. He realizes this is the Nanny he remember so fondly in the last book.
We get a flashback, in which we are apparently supposed to feel sorry for young Devon, but I do not. When he was seven, his parents decided he was too old for a baby-sitter, and Nana was fired. Devon cried, cried, cried, but then told him to act like a grown up. And then when he continues to cry, his father gets pissed and sends him to his room. I'm not impressed. I give it about a 3 on the Sweet Valley Scale of Bad Parenting.
He reads Nana’s letter, in which she invites him to come see her in Sweet Valley, and he thinks that she just wants his money now and if she really cared she wouldn’t have left (she was fucking fired!) or tried to contact him before. But he decides to go to SV anyway, just to see if she’s in it for the cash. You know what Devon? So your parents were crappy parents. Guess what? Welcome to Sweet Valley. Everyone’s parents are crappy parents here. So it’s no excuse for being a dick.
After two book and nearly 100 pages of the third, Devon finally arrives in Sweet Valley. He only just got here and already I’m sick of him!
He gets to Nana’s house. She is old now, with gray hair. She hugs him when she sees him and cries a little. She shows him her small house, which has doilies and old lady things in it. I have a soft spot for old ladies, you guys. She off-handedly mentions that it’s small but she hopes to move someplace else. He meanly thinks she’s after his money. Then he sees that she has pictures of him around her house. He wonders why she would keep them all these years if she just wanted his money. I wonder why she would keep them all these years period.
Nana makes Devon his favorite meal from childhood. Personally, I wouldn’t want to eat the same stuff I liked when I was seven, but Devon is touched. We learn that Nana runs a preschool in Sweet Valley now. She tells him she’s always dreamed of seeing him again (why?). He meanly asks why she didn’t try to contact him then. She says she wasn’t able to before but doesn’t want to talk about it. And he scoffs and gets meaner. (Being an idiot, it’s not immediately obvious where she is going with this.) He lies to her and tells her if anyone told her he has money, they were wrong. He’s disinherited and can’t pay for anything. Nana, being a nice old lady, is all “that’s terrible, Devon!”
You guys, I don’t want this dickhead to end up with this nice, old lady even if she’ll get $10 million out of it.
A while later, Devon is helping Nana around the house. She wants him to go out and meet girls but he apparently thinks fixing squeaky doors is more important. Devon goes and rummages around in the garage for nails, when he comes across and old box with lots of letters in it. He thinks, at first, that they are love letters because he’s an idiot and doesn’t see where this is going from a mile away. But they are, of course, addressed to him. They were all sent back ‘return to sender’ by his parents. Since they’re addressed to him, Devon cracks ‘em open and reads. They begin shortly after she was fired and talk about how much she misses him. The last one is from only a month earlier (which makes me wonder why she continued to send them, knowing they’d be returned). Realizing that Nana loves him for always, Devon starts to cry.
Nana finds him stooping. He asks her why she didn’t say something when he asked her why she didn’t try to contact him. She says since his parents just died and all, she didn’t want to say bad stuff about them. Little does she know he doesn’t even miss them. He starts talking shit about his parents, how they never hugged him (boo freaking hoo) and what not. She sternly tells him that they did the best they could and he shouldn’t think ill of the dead.
Devon shouts that he hates his parents. Nana tells him he can’t hate them, or it will make him all twisted and yucky inside (that’s more my words than hers because he’s is fucking yucky inside). She says he has to put it behind him.
Then she tells him she wants him to stay here with her (presumably so she can turn him into something resembling a human person, not a little dickhead). She also says she wants him to start school soon. She knows he’s missed a lot of school but she’s confident he can catch up since he’s such a smart boy. Ego stroke, Devon agrees to live with Nana and says he wants her to become his legal guardian.
Now knowing he’s going to stay, Devon explores Sweet Valley on his Harley. He sees some kids hanging out at the Dairi Burger (which he thinks is a “quaint” name). They’re all excited about the big game; he decides to follow them because he’s a creepy stalker because he’ll be going to SVH one day.
At the game, Devon sees a beautiful blonde girl in a yellow sundress. He thinks she looks so pure-just his kind of girl (ooookay). He’s instantly in contrived love with her. Then Devon watches the cheerleaders. One of them looks just like the girl he’s in love with! How odd! He liked the yellow sundress better than the cheerleading uniform (oookay). He fantasies about dating “the girl.” Creepily he says to “the girl”, ”You don’t know who I am, but you will be mine.”
After the awesome Crazy John scenes, we return to boring Devon’s world, we learn he searched for the girl in the yellow dress during the bombing because he wanted to protect her, but was unable to find her. Now he’s back at Nana’s doing chores. He thinks it’s not everyday that a school nearly blows up in your face. He really isn’t from around here, is he?
Finally, Devon tells Nana about the money. Her reaction? “That’s a lot of money. Invest it well, Devon.” She tells him she already knew his parents didn’t disinherit him, because they loved him so much. He doesn’t understand, because he thought they never paid him any attention. Then she goes on to tell him all the ways they cared, but were unable to show it.
Oh, whatever.