All My Loving
It seems like FOREVER since I last posted! Oh my goodness! Sorry for the wait but school has been crazy hectic and all that.
Anyroad, here's the last installment of this lovely serial and I thank all of you for tuning in. There will be a final post of summing up & epilogues to follow but I have no idea hen exactly that will be finished so for all intents and purposes this is the end.
If you don't remember the story, [and who can blame you? lol] here is the last post and here is the link to the tag where you can find all of the previous entries. =) Now let's get this party started [or should I say ended...?]
Part 29: Isn't It A Pity?
I stopped outside the cottage door. For a second, I thought I heard noises inside, like something or someone was just behind the door. I hesitated unlocking it, looking back at George. He stood outside the car giving the suitcases a determined look. I knew that he was trying to decide the best way to carry them all in one go. He hated to make unnecessary trips.
I unlocked the door and Archie quickly scampered in and to one of the bedrooms. He barked once but not quite in warning or alarm. I switched on the lights as I walked in.
“What’s the matter, Archie? Caught yourself a prowler?” I laughed following the direction he had led. A bit suddenly, John appeared in front of me, blocking the door. I was naturally startled and gave a bit of a gasp.
“Hello,” he said, a bit meekly.
“What are you doing here?” I asked in a loud whisper.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know anyone would be here. Did you get my note? I just needed a place to lay low for awhile.”
“John, under different circumstances I would be happy for you to stay but it’s just not a good time. You should probably go before...” I stopped, sensing that George was close enough he could probably hear the rest of our conversation.
“Anna, is someone...Oh, hello, John,” he nonchalantly said, carrying the suitcases into our room.
“Fancy seeing you here,” he said upon his return, as he walked through to the kitchen.
Neither John nor I said anything until he reappeared and looked at John expectantly, waiting, I suppose, for him to speak.
“I had left a few things here from before, so I, you know, just came to get them. But I’d better be going.”
“There’s no need to rush off. Sit, stay.”
Archie immediately obeyed these commands. We all laughed and it helped to ease some of the tension.
“Good boy, Archie,” George said, patting him on the head as we reconvened to the chairs on other side of the room.
George sat in a chair and John on one end of the sofa, leaving me in a bit of a difficult position. Somewhat thankfully, there was another chair between them in which I sat. Archie followed us and jumped into my lap. I was glad to have him there, being a little anxious about what might happen.
“So how have things been? I’m guessing you broke things off with Jaymie, since last I heard she’d gone back to Liverpool? Before tonight, that is.”
“Yeah, I...It just didn’t work out. I guess our timing was never right,” John replied with a quick glance at me. I felt that, if anything, it was my timing that was off.
“Was it a mutual thing or did you just end it right away? I mean, the last time, I know she was pretty broken up about it.
“Yeah, it was something like that, I guess you could say.”
I could tell John really did not want to talk about this. It wasn’t often that I’d seen him simply uncomfortable with anything. I wished George would just keep his mouth shut. It was almost as if he knew the whole topic was painful to John and he just kept pushing him. Maybe this was George’s way of payback. I knew he wasn’t over the whole kiss scenario. I gladly would have changed the subject, if only I could think of something else.
“Oh wait, don’t tell me she found you with another girl?” he sort of laughed, “Actually, that wouldn’t be that surprising.”
John put on a brave face and tried to laugh like it wasn’t a touchy subject. I got really tense but hoped no one noticed. I think Archie sensed something was wrong though. He started to get a little antsy and kept looking between me and John. It’s almost as if he knew what was going on.
“So who was she? Just some girl or someone we know?”
“Actually, you might know her, but then again...” he trailed off, glancing at me once again as if to ask what he should say next.
“It wasn’t one of the scruffs that hang about outside the apartments and the studio and all that was it? Some of them are pretty crazy. Crazy’s not always bad though, I guess.”
“No. She’s not like that at all. She’s just a girl I met awhile back. A really nice girl.”
“Oh, a nice girl, ‘eh?” George chuckled, raising an eyebrow; which must be some secret ‘man code’ for something or other.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. Between Archie’s fitfulness and my own guilty conscience, fed up with the stress of keeping so many secrets, I couldn’t allow the conversation to continue. I finally spoke.
“George, I...it was me.” I admitted. John moved as if he was going to reach out to stop me, but then he drew back I guess he knew that if I was ready to admit this he shouldn’t try to stop me.
“What? What do you mean?”
“I’m the girl. I was the girl. The other night, when I went for a walk I ended up at John’s place. I hadn’t planned on it or anything. Not really. But I needed to talk to him about that kiss and all the other things that had been going on. I didn’t know Jaymie would find me there. It wasn’t like I was trying to come between them.” I looked at George and then to John.
“Wait, did something...” he stopped to correct himself, “Something else happen between you two?” I was going to answer but John beat me to it.
“I kissed her. I don’t know what came over me. She was trying to tell me all these reasons why we couldn’t and shouldn’t be together and everything and I sort of blocked it out. Jaymie came in and caught us and blew up,” he paused, “I’m sorry George. It’s just that I can’t stop thinking about her since that day that...you, er, found us.” He was trying to make it sound like this hadn’t been going on forever. I appreciated that he cared that much about me to want to help but I knew that I had to tell George the whole story.
“John,” I gave him an almost scolding look. I suppose my mothering instinct still set in, even though I’d lost the baby. “I think we have to tell him the rest.”
“There’s more? I can’t believe this! How long has this been going on?”
“I...it’s hard to say exactly. It’s not like I stopped loving you. I’ve always loved you. I’m always going to love you. It’s just...with John, I’m not myself. I feel like a different person and he makes me feel so safe. Every time I think the world has fallen apart he seems to be there to tell me it’ll be alright. But George with you I’m just...I...You’re the first person, the first thing, that made me feel like there was a point to life; a reason for me to be truly happy.”
“For me, it started the day I met you.” John interjected.
“That’s not helping, John. You made advances at me the entire time before but that’s not when it really began. I guess,” I said, turning back to George, “I should start from the beginning as far as I know. Do you remember that beastly little apartment I lived in with Father William when we first started dating?”
“Yeah,” George replied.
“Wait, who’s Father William?” John asked.
“The cat I used to have. I got him when I was eight.”
“You named your cat Father William?”
“Yeah, I loved Alice in Wonderland when I was little. But it’s rather beside the point, don’t you think?” I could tell John was amused at this fact. A smile crept across his face; I’m assuming he was trying to imagine me as an eight year old.
“Yeah, I guess. It’s just, I love those books. I never knew that about you.”
“I knew that,” George said a little smugly.
“Well, anyway you know about the time I’m talking about; it was sometime after we started dating. Do you remember when we’d had that huge row, and you sort of stormed out? I thought you’d left me for good.”
“Oh, you mean the one about jam? That was so stupid. I felt really badly afterwards.”
“You did? It was a stupid fight. I wish it’d never happened.” I think we’d both sort of forgotten the point at hand, but then I looked over at John who seemed as confused as ever.
“So anyway, you left and I felt like my life was ruined and John came by looking for you, or at least he said he was, and he asked me what was wrong and I just sort of spilled everything out. I had been bottling up a lot of things and I just couldn’t take it anymore and told him everything that had been going on. I felt really good afterwards, I hadn’t realised just how much pressure all those things had caused. And then John told me he’d had a bit of a fight with Cyn and they weren’t getting along really well either, so we threw ourselves kind of a pity party. I guess we both got a little drunk and then, well, you know, one thing led to another. I never meant for any of it to happen.” I paused, waiting for him to say something but he just sat there staring off a bit. I decided to continue.
“The next morning, I...I felt so guilty and I told John that what we did was a mistake and I...”
“She kicked me out, that’s what she did. But she had a point.”
“I tried to forget everything and just erase it out of my mind but I spent the rest of the day just feeling awful about it. And then you came the next day and said how sorry you were and I was so glad to see you. And I felt so bad and I almost wanted to tell you then, but I knew it was just a silly mistake and I couldn’t risk losing you again. You were...you are so sweet to me.”
“Was it...it was just the one time, then?” He slowly asked, still not looking at either me or John.
“It’s all my fault, George. I pressured her into it. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“No, John. It’s as much my fault as it is yours. You were just there.” I turned back to George, “George, he was just there. It’s like at the moment I think my life’s fallen to pieces I turn around and he’s there. That first night I thought I’d lost you and my cat had just died and they’d been saying that they were going to fire some people at work and I was worried about that. And then the other time, we didn’t know if mum was going to make it through her operation and I mentioned that we should be thinking about dad because he shouldn’t live in that big old house by himself and you sort of blew up about that, even though I know later you said it wasn’t really why you got mad. At the time, that really hurt me that you wouldn’t let dad live with us, if he had nowhere else to go. And then, you know, I got the call about the baby. I mean he was just there. I’m so very sorry George. I really am. Like I said, you were the first good thing to come into my life and I love you; I always have. What John and I have is different, but it’s no basis for a stable relationship.”
“I noticed you used the present tense,” George said, finally looking at me, almost as soon as the words left my mouth.
“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have some feelings for John, after all the things we’ve been through it’d be difficult not to. But it’s not the same kind of love we have, George. I want you to understand that.” I looked at him, almost to the point of begging him to say something more than just a sentence here and a question there. I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling.
“And you,” he said looking over at John, “You’ve been fairly quiet. What’ve you got to say?”
“I don’t know. My life’s been a wreck lately and I guess I just was looking for that source of comfort from Anna again. I’m sorry I caused this, it really is my fault. I never should have tried to make passes at her before. I never should have stayed that night. I should’ve just left when she said you weren’t there. I should have just told her that you loved her and she needed to see that and tell you what all was going on instead of turning to me.”
We all sat in the deafening silence that followed John’s apology. George, after leaning forward in his chair, finally spoke.
“I really don’t know what to say about this. There are far too many things to think about. I’ll need some time. Anna, I just...Is there absolutely anything else that you need to tell me?”
I hesitated, both John and George watching me.
“I...I don’t know for sure, but there was a possibility...that the baby was John’s. I am so sorry, George. I can’t stress that enough; there just aren’t words. I know that I have a very small chance if any of you forgiving me. I can’t and I wouldn’t expect you to pretend that this never happened. I just need you to know that even if...” I paused, about to cry. I could hardly believe I’d lasted this long without bursting into tears. I tried to swallow the feeling back down.
“Even if we can’t work through this, I will always love you. If anything, George, you don’t deserve me. You are the nicest, sweetest, most loving man that I’ve ever met and I’m sure you could find a girl, much better than me, who will respect those qualities. But I don’t think you’ll ever find someone who loves you as much as I do.”
“I understand what you’re trying to say, Anna. I love you, too; although, I don’t know why or even if I should. But you have hurt me. I don’t know if I can forgive either of you for that right now, although I know I should try. I really just need some time alone to think about this. John, you can stay if you want, I really don’t care at this point.”
“No, I need to go. Listening to what Anna said about you, I know that I had no right to do any of the things that I have. And I know, well, I pretty much have known, that she’ll never care for me like she does for you. Otherwise, I don’t think we’d have this problem. So yeah, I’m going to go.”
George didn’t answer. He got up and left the room, a few seconds later I heard his relatively new yet nearly warn out record of Indian music. He’d gotten on a meditation kick recently and listened to the thing almost constantly. I figured it must be the easiest way for him to clear his mind and reflect on all the things that had just happened. I must admit that some of them are really fairly soothing songs. Maybe I should give it a try the next time some disastrous thing happens, God forbid.
I walked John to the door. “So where are you going to go? Home?”
“I guess so. I’m sorry about all this. I didn’t want it to have to end this way.”
“End? This isn’t an ending, John. For us, it’s never going to be over. You said yourself that you still had feelings for me and I love you but we’ll just be friends. Maybe it will work it out in the next life. And as for George, he still loves me and I love him and I have a feeling it’s going to be alright between us. Even if we end up splitting up, I think we’ll still be friends. Who knows? Maybe you all will write a few songs about this and make a ton of money. Whatever happens, it’ll be for the best.”
“I don’t know how you can be so optimistic, but I’m glad you’re not too upset.”
“Well, what can I say? I think all this lying and secret stuff, sort of just got me down and made me feel worse and worse about everything. Now that it’s all out in the open, I just have to deal with it and hope it’ll be alright. I can’t expect you to be there for me every time; I need to learn to take care of myself.”
“Yeah. I guess...I guess I’ll see you around.”
“John, wait. You know, I don’t know what happened between you and Paul, but I know that you can’t just avoid the situation. Maybe, you should go talk to Jaymie. I don’t know what might happen, but I’m sure there are things that you need to talk about. And that’s the only way to work this stuff out. Trust me.” I smiled.
“If anyone should know after that, it’d be you. I think you’re right. I wonder if she’s still up.”
“There’s only one way to find out, John. See you later.”
“Bye,” he said as he walked off the steps and I closed the door behind him.
Part 30: In My Life
"Who was that, Jaymie?" Paul said sternly, as I walked back into the flat from the hallway.
"It was...John. What are you doing up?" I replied.
"What's he doing here? I thought I told you never to see him?"
"I had no idea he was coming here! He showed up by his own will. Listen, I cannot cut him out of my life forever, you know. I promised you that I would never get romantic with him...but he's still my friend. I practically have known him my entire life. He still means so much to me. I know he's the same for you."
"Do you still have feelings for him?"
"Paul...I admit, I do. I'm being totally honest. I probably will never get over him entirely. He's very hard to forget, but I have to move past it. I still want him in my life, though."
"It will be hard for me to live life knowing that."
"I'm sorry Paul but it’s how I feel. I know we're never going to work out. But the best thing I can do is be friends with him...I feel he needs me still and I need him. I promise...no funny stuff."
"So why do you still feel the need to be with me?"
I hesitated. I still had no real idea why exactly I needed to be with Paul but somehow it just had to be.
"Be-because I love you. And you make me feel something others don't. I mean, let's try to get past everything and just work on us. We deserve a second shot, eh? What do you think?"
"I think we do, too. But I just...just keep thinking of you and John and together and how much you two really want each other. How you want him more than you do me.
"That's not true. I love you just as much. But our love is different from John and mine. I don't know, it's hard to explain...but it's the way it is. I hope you can accept it. I came back for you. I did, I swear to God. I was by your side the entire night and it was not out of guilt...it was my duty to be there for you."
"I know, I know. But it just seems...you and me together...I mean, we’ve not been the closest friends but we are right together as wife and husband. I find it hard to call you my wife sometimes. Shouldn't you be with your best friend?"
"Paul, now you want me to be with John? I'm confused."
"Well, I do if it makes you happy."
I could not believe the words coming out of his mouth.
"Honestly?"
"Honest. I want to make you as happy as possible. But sacrificing him for me....it's a pretty big step."
"He's worth the risk. Paul I love you so much...why don't we try us again? Take things slow. John and I are never going to work. I know for a fact. I've committed to you and that's how I am going to stay."
Paul was still groggy from the medication so we decided to go back to sleep. We slept on what we had said and know how I felt, I got the idea that he couldn’t sleep well either. I am glad I said what I had to say but felt terrible at the same time because I knew I was letting him down so much. How can you say to a person, to who you have made a commitment for life, that you love someone else...and possibly even more? It was time to let go of John finally.
The next day I woke up to an empty bed. I walked out the room in my pyjamas into the kitchen. Paul was in the kitchen- having breakfast. The usual. We kissed and said hello. It seemed, that morning, for some reason, time had stood still for about a couple of weeks. None of the fights, drama and love-triangles happened. It just felt like they never occurred.
I made some food for myself and as I was washing a dish in the sink, I looked out the window. The same window I looked out so often over the past weeks. I saw John and almost thought it to be a figment of my imagination. He was carrying a couple of bags with him. It was odd that he was there. I wondered what he was doing, standing there looking up at me, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. I found out later that he was going back to Cynthia. She decided she’d made a horrible mistake and they were going to try and work it out. I’ll never forget him standing there though. He must have come to say goodbye or to tell us the news.
I watched him with so many thoughts running through my mind. Was it to be the last time I ever saw him? Was I making a big mistake? After what Paul had said, it's almost as if he was giving me a free ticket to be with John. But I didn’t run after him. I didn’t even call after him. I just watched as he turned and walked away. I stayed in my place. I stayed in my life.
Part 31: I Don’t Wanna Do It
I felt dead tired. I wanted to go to bed but dared not interrupt George and his thought process. I went to the guest bedroom and sat on the bed but as soon as I did I realized the entire room smelled like John. Of all the things I needed, yet another reminder of John wasn’t one of them. I made my way back into the main room and lay on the couch I thought for a minute about George and his leaving me; I wondered where I might end up then. My mind clouded over with thoughts until I finally fell asleep, the gentle lull of sitar still playing in the background.
The next morning I awoke to find a blanket covering me. I smiled to myself, happy that at least George still cared that much for me. I got up and heard guitar playing. I debated on whether to investigate or leave him be. I could tell he was in the spare room that he’d dedicated to his music room. He kept a few guitars there and a tape recorder in case he was suddenly inspired or felt the need to play. I stood in the door frame; his back was to me so I wasn’t sure whether he’d heard me approach. He was playing one of the most beautiful songs that I’ve ever heard. I knew it had to be fairly new, only because I’d never heard him play it before. As I listened, I realised what the song was about and I almost wanted to cry. When he finished he turned around.
“Oh, I didn’t know you were there.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”
“No,” he said, getting up and walking over to me, “I’m glad you heard it. I wasn’t sure how else to say what I needed to.” He took both my hands in his.
“So where do we go from here?” I asked, still a bit unsure. The song was lovely; talking about how he didn’t want to say goodbye, but that didn’t mean he still wanted me as his wife.
“Well, the way I see it, we’ve got two choices. One, we break up; shame ourselves and the band and everything, leaving us both pretty miserable.” He paused. I had been looking in his eyes, but looked away then, hoping that the second option was a little less painful.
“Or we work through this. Remember when we were talking last night about how strong our marriage is? I think we’ve got a good thing going here and I don’t want to lose you. I’m sorry if I pushed you away sometimes. I didn’t mean to, honest. I wish I had realised that I wasn’t doing enough to take care of you; that I wasn’t showing you enough attention.”
“Oh, George, it wasn’t like that. You’ve never been anything but kind to me. We had a few rough spots but I couldn’t ask for a better husband. No, I should have come to you and talked about what was wrong. I’m sorry I didn’t realise that sooner. I...I hope you’ll forgive me for that.”
“Of course, I will. I tried for a second to think of what life would be like if I left you, but I couldn’t bear to put myself through that. I’m a little sad that you still have feelings for John, especially after what I’d told you. But I guess if your love for me means more, I’ve got nothing to worry about, right?”
“I’m sorry I still care for him; but that night you told me how you felt, I decided to try to end things with him. It’s just that he has a way and you get all caught up in exactly what you wanted to avoid. I’m glad that you’ve decided to give me another chance. I really do love you from the bottom of my toes.”
He laughed at that. It was one of his expressions after all. We kissed and walked to the kitchen.
“So, let’s see, my love, what do you want to do today?”
“Well, we’ve the entire day to ourselves. Have you had breakfast yet?”
“No, I somehow forgot that.”
“You, forgetting to eat? That simply won’t do. How about waffles?”
“That sounds good; with strawberries?”
“Oh, I didn’t bring any. But I can go get some.”
“They’re already in the kitchen. You’d be surprised how early the shops open around here.”
“And supposing, I hadn’t suggested waffles?”
“There’s always room for dessert,” he smiled and I laughed as I began to fix one of what I hoped were many happy breakfasts to come.
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Anyone else a little teary eyed? lol. =)
I hadn't originally intended on that last chapter but I heard the song and just had to include it. *sigh* <3
I hope you all enjoyed this as much as we enjoyed writing it and I do hope to be able to bring you more stories in the future.
Thanks so much for reading! =D
Love,
Anna