I've spent the last seven months trying desperately to supress all of my German memories to give myself half of a pathetic shot at pretending to be happy where I am. Now that I'm going back, I find myself in nearly every waking moment rushing over the same mental scenarios. Clips, as if from a movie, of things of the past; cleverly invented upon ( Read more... )

If it weren't so infuriating, it might almost be funny how my mother says horrible things to me and then pretends it never happened in a matter of days. Oh well, she'll be gone soon and I'll have her apartment back. One of my brothers is consistently worthless, and Austin is moving to Oregon without bothering to tell me about it or say goodbye. I ( Read more... )

My mind frame is so far away from the general population that it simply fascinates me to hear the way that other people think. I listen to people's problems and frustrations, and I just can't understand it. Change and adventure are things to be embraced, not avoided and feared. Being stuck in the same frame of reference with your head half buried ( Read more... )

I don't need or desire the attention of a boyfriend, I really don't. I have a lot going on right now, and it's not necessary. My issue stems from the fact that no one wants to be mine. I don't know how good, or smart, or cute you have to be to attract such a man, but apparently I've not yet achieved it. I don't need the validation of a dude to feel ( Read more... )

I'm sitting in Boston listening to cars drive by and watching a man cook himself breakfast through a window, and I care scarely sort through my feelings. Though I've always felt mature, it took this trip to make me realize I'm an adult. Though it might be irresponsible to make a spur of the moment, week long trip with money that isn't even your own ( Read more... )

I have had a crazy, productive couple of days. I am getting money and job opportunities handed to me left and right. It feels like, for once, everything is lining up correctly and falling into place. I haven't been this happy in a long time, if ever. Things with my friendships are great, while others are rocky; other relationships are promising, ( Read more... )

It's a never ending battle in my mind. I want to just give up on everyone and live alone. I stay for a couple of days, get very happy and nestled into my little world, and then I start to worry about getting fat and developing a mental disorder. It's not that I think I am especially prone to being crazy, but I just got healthy and I really don't ( Read more... )

- I'm very annoyed with Brian. He's never taken his angst out on me before, and I don't like it ( Read more... )

+ Pittsburgh in August ( Read more... )

I really am a different person these days. Today, a Nirvana song came on at random it took me back to Berlin. I could see the heads of everyone in the crowd swaying to the beat, and almost feel the ground shake as they jumped to the chorus. I could vaguely smell the mixture of Beck's, Lucky Strike cigarettes and sweat. I could hear the mumbled ( Read more... )