"Crawling Backwards" Ch. 13
Title: Crawling Backwards
Author: 616HasGotAName
Fandom: Music/VAM
Summery: Ville is in love with Bam, but Bam only loves Ville when he’s drunk. By morning it’s forgotten and Bam goes on to believe that they’re still just friends. Ville puts up with it for his love, but it’s slowly killing him inside.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: VAM…eventually.
Rating: NC-17 in some parts…but generally it’s R
Previous Chapters Behind the Cut
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
There are things in life that, no matter how hard I tried, I could never understand. One was how I always managed to lose matching socks in the laundry machine, the other being the man laying beside me. He was a walking enigma-carefree and happy on minute and angry as all hell the next. Alcohol does that to people, I guess.
We were still tangled on the couch, his arms wrapped around me and holding me close. I nuzzled my face into his softly rising chest and listened to his heartbeat. I had wanted this for so long, and yet it seemed like there was something terribly wrong. We shouldn’t be doing this.
Bam shifted slightly in his sleep, turning to lie on his side and forcing me to change positions. I nearly fell of the couch twice as I remolded myself to his body.
“Bammi, I’m so sorry,” I whispered into his shirt. If he could hear me he showed no signs. I gently untangled myself from his grasp, sighing as he whimpered slightly, and moved to the kitchen. It was a little past six in the morning, but I couldn’t lie there anymore.
I found myself rifling through his refrigerator, trying to distract myself with anything I could get my hands on. The contraption was mostly empty-only a few spare beer bottles and a jar of grape jelly taking up the shelf space. Grabbing the last Toaster Strudel from the freezer, I plopped it in the toaster and made a pot of coffee. The sound of the machine dripping the substance into the glass pot was soothing.
As I moved to snatch a glass from the nearby shelf, I paused when two strong arms wrapped around my waist. “What are you doing up so early?”
Bam rested his head on my shoulder, pulling me back away from the counter slightly. I shrugged him off and continued on with the task at hand. “I couldn’t sleep.”
With one arm still crooked around my waist, he unplugged the toaster and guided me toward the table. I didn’t protest as he sat me down in one of the high-backed wooden chairs.
“Let me make you something, it’s the least I could do,” he smiled, placing a deliberately soft kiss on my forehead. I watched as he ransacked the kitchen for food, throwing boxes from random cupboards until he came upon a box of Count Chocula.
My eyes knitted together as the beginnings of a bad headache began to nag at my brain. Placing my forehead in my hands, I sighed and tried to block out the noise around me. What was he doing? We should be talking…
Bam placed the bowl of chocolate cereal before me, complete with fat free milk and a cup of black coffee. “Sorry, it’s all I have,” he smiled apologetically. I shrugged and tried to eat.
I felt his eyes on me as I spooned the first bite into my mouth, the normally great taste stale on my tongue. I couldn’t eat-not now. Taking an unsure sip of my coffee, I blinked and looked up at him.
“Bam, we need to talk.” He propped his elbows on the table before him and leaned in slightly. I wondered what was running through his head.
“What about?” The question was so innocent that it made me cringe. Does he honestly not know? Did he not see this coming?
“About…last night,” I let the sentence end there, hoping he could piece it together on his own. When his eyebrows creased up in confusion I knew I had no choice but to continue. “We can’t be doing this.”
He paused for a second, taking a sip of his own coffee, before asking, “Are you still pissed at me?”
“Of course I am, dammit!” My fist slammed against the table, rattling the glasses and causing my discarded spoon to fall to the floor. I didn’t mean to explode like that. With a sigh I tried to continue at a normal tone. “It’s just…this is wrong, Bam. You know it just as much as I do.”
“No I don’t, Ville. How is it wrong that I have feelings for you?” The question was like a slap to the face, and I suddenly felt like I was the one to blame for the predicament we were in. He was twisting the conversation around, but I wasn’t going to let him win.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about! I…I don’t even know if I can trust you!” I glanced around me, thankful that the house was empty for once. “I don’t know if I can trust you not to break my heart.”
He looked hurt. Good.
“This is one fucked up game you’re playing, Ville.” Well, I wasn’t expecting that one. The words left his mouth with a ruthless bite to them, and it made me recoil slightly in my seat. I opened my mouth to offer a rebuttal, but he beat me to the chase. “You come to my house in the middle of the night; you sit on my couch and the next thing I know you’re all over me. And then you wake up the next morning and tell me that it was a lie. Fuck you.”
He stood to get up, but I jumped to my feet and pushed him back down, my finger pointed furiously in his face. “Don’t you dare fucking say that to me! You think I’m the one playing the fucking games? Don’t you think for a second that you can turn this around and make me look like the bad guy! You know exactly what you’re doing; you know how to manipulate people into getting what you want. Well, I’ve got some news for you: you won’t get away with that shit with me!” I paused to take a deep breath, and I noticed him doing the same. “Not anymore.”
He stood up from the chair and moved to stand before me, trying to look threatening but only managing to come off looking stupid.
“This is my house, and you are not going to speak to me that way.” The tone of his voice sounded oddly like a father running out of tactics.
“Oh, I’m sorry; did I upset mighty King Bam?” The sarcasm dripped from my tongue like venom. Without waiting for his answer I shoved away from the table and headed for the door. I didn’t even bother to find my jacket as I reached for the knob.
A harsh wind slapped my face as I finally jerked the door open and walked outside. I suddenly regretted not grabbing my jacket, but there was no way I could go back inside. As I took the first two steps down into the snake driveway I became frightfully aware of the tears stinging my eyes. This wasn’t fucking fair. I swiped the tears away with the palm of my hand, pressing on my eyeballs with so much force it actually hurt. I wasn’t sure how where I was going-I didn’t have a car, there was no one I could call…
“God fucking dammit!” I cursed loudly, kicking at a stray rock as hard as I could. It bounced off the driveway and a small smile graced my lips as it collided with the side of Bam’s Hummer.
I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans, not caring where I was going. I just needed to get out of here. Halfway down the driveway I heard the front door slam open behind me but I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. I kept walking, my pace speeding up as I tried to make it to the street before he could catch up to me.
“Ville! Ville, don’t do this to me!” he shouted and I could hear his footsteps getting closer. “Please come back here!”
I spun around on my heel then, my eyes shooting daggers at him. He continued to sprint to my side-stopping only when he was inches from my face.
“What the fuck do you want, Bam?” I spat.
He stared at me as if he wasn’t sure what to say. With a scowl, I turned back around and continued my trek to the road. If he wasn’t going to say anything, then I wasn’t going to listen. I didn’t make it three steps before he stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. This time I didn’t turn around.
“Ville, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice soft on the back of my neck.
Brushing his hand off, I growled, “I don’t believe you anymore.”
“Why can’t you face me?” his hand returned, trying to get me to turn around and look him in the eye.
“Fuck you, Bam. I said I’m done-now can I just leave in semi-peace?” When I brushed his hand off this time he didn’t put it back.
“No, no you can’t!” he called after me, again sprinting to reach my side. I was growing tired of this. “Ville, listen to me, I don’t know how to get you to believe me, but you have to! I…I don’t know what I was saying back there. I was just angry; I didn’t mean any of it.”
“Bam, I said I’m done, end of story.” He tried to wrap his arms around my waist but I violently shoved away from him. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
“Ville-”
“No, don’t fucking say anything else,” I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket and quickly lit it, inhaling deeply as I once more tried to walk away. He jumped in front of me, his arms held out comically. I would have laughed at any other time…
“Please,” he begged. His eyes locked with mine for the first time since I walked out. “You’re…I’m sorry.”
“How many times are you going to repeat that?” I asked almost lightly, but I quickly corrected myself and snarled. “If you’re not going to say anything important I’m leaving-and you’re not going to stop me.”
“Ville, you’re all I’ve ever wanted,” he whispered suddenly, almost as if he had to spit it out before I ran. Which, in essence, was true. I stumbled for a second, not really sure what he expected me to say. “Listen to me for one goddamn second, okay? If you walk away from me now, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. Just…just stay, if only for a little longer.”
What was he trying to pull? I didn’t know what to think. I took another drag off my cigarette and ran a hand through my hair. “What do you want me to say?”
“Say yes,” he smiled lightly. “Say you’ll come back inside.”
“Bam, I…” I really had nothing to say. Where else was I going to go? With a heavy sigh I pushed past him and began walking toward his door. I didn’t have to turn around to know that he was following me.
Author: 616HasGotAName
Fandom: Music/VAM
Summery: Ville is in love with Bam, but Bam only loves Ville when he’s drunk. By morning it’s forgotten and Bam goes on to believe that they’re still just friends. Ville puts up with it for his love, but it’s slowly killing him inside.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: VAM…eventually.
Rating: NC-17 in some parts…but generally it’s R
Previous Chapters Behind the Cut
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
There are things in life that, no matter how hard I tried, I could never understand. One was how I always managed to lose matching socks in the laundry machine, the other being the man laying beside me. He was a walking enigma-carefree and happy on minute and angry as all hell the next. Alcohol does that to people, I guess.
We were still tangled on the couch, his arms wrapped around me and holding me close. I nuzzled my face into his softly rising chest and listened to his heartbeat. I had wanted this for so long, and yet it seemed like there was something terribly wrong. We shouldn’t be doing this.
Bam shifted slightly in his sleep, turning to lie on his side and forcing me to change positions. I nearly fell of the couch twice as I remolded myself to his body.
“Bammi, I’m so sorry,” I whispered into his shirt. If he could hear me he showed no signs. I gently untangled myself from his grasp, sighing as he whimpered slightly, and moved to the kitchen. It was a little past six in the morning, but I couldn’t lie there anymore.
I found myself rifling through his refrigerator, trying to distract myself with anything I could get my hands on. The contraption was mostly empty-only a few spare beer bottles and a jar of grape jelly taking up the shelf space. Grabbing the last Toaster Strudel from the freezer, I plopped it in the toaster and made a pot of coffee. The sound of the machine dripping the substance into the glass pot was soothing.
As I moved to snatch a glass from the nearby shelf, I paused when two strong arms wrapped around my waist. “What are you doing up so early?”
Bam rested his head on my shoulder, pulling me back away from the counter slightly. I shrugged him off and continued on with the task at hand. “I couldn’t sleep.”
With one arm still crooked around my waist, he unplugged the toaster and guided me toward the table. I didn’t protest as he sat me down in one of the high-backed wooden chairs.
“Let me make you something, it’s the least I could do,” he smiled, placing a deliberately soft kiss on my forehead. I watched as he ransacked the kitchen for food, throwing boxes from random cupboards until he came upon a box of Count Chocula.
My eyes knitted together as the beginnings of a bad headache began to nag at my brain. Placing my forehead in my hands, I sighed and tried to block out the noise around me. What was he doing? We should be talking…
Bam placed the bowl of chocolate cereal before me, complete with fat free milk and a cup of black coffee. “Sorry, it’s all I have,” he smiled apologetically. I shrugged and tried to eat.
I felt his eyes on me as I spooned the first bite into my mouth, the normally great taste stale on my tongue. I couldn’t eat-not now. Taking an unsure sip of my coffee, I blinked and looked up at him.
“Bam, we need to talk.” He propped his elbows on the table before him and leaned in slightly. I wondered what was running through his head.
“What about?” The question was so innocent that it made me cringe. Does he honestly not know? Did he not see this coming?
“About…last night,” I let the sentence end there, hoping he could piece it together on his own. When his eyebrows creased up in confusion I knew I had no choice but to continue. “We can’t be doing this.”
He paused for a second, taking a sip of his own coffee, before asking, “Are you still pissed at me?”
“Of course I am, dammit!” My fist slammed against the table, rattling the glasses and causing my discarded spoon to fall to the floor. I didn’t mean to explode like that. With a sigh I tried to continue at a normal tone. “It’s just…this is wrong, Bam. You know it just as much as I do.”
“No I don’t, Ville. How is it wrong that I have feelings for you?” The question was like a slap to the face, and I suddenly felt like I was the one to blame for the predicament we were in. He was twisting the conversation around, but I wasn’t going to let him win.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about! I…I don’t even know if I can trust you!” I glanced around me, thankful that the house was empty for once. “I don’t know if I can trust you not to break my heart.”
He looked hurt. Good.
“This is one fucked up game you’re playing, Ville.” Well, I wasn’t expecting that one. The words left his mouth with a ruthless bite to them, and it made me recoil slightly in my seat. I opened my mouth to offer a rebuttal, but he beat me to the chase. “You come to my house in the middle of the night; you sit on my couch and the next thing I know you’re all over me. And then you wake up the next morning and tell me that it was a lie. Fuck you.”
He stood to get up, but I jumped to my feet and pushed him back down, my finger pointed furiously in his face. “Don’t you dare fucking say that to me! You think I’m the one playing the fucking games? Don’t you think for a second that you can turn this around and make me look like the bad guy! You know exactly what you’re doing; you know how to manipulate people into getting what you want. Well, I’ve got some news for you: you won’t get away with that shit with me!” I paused to take a deep breath, and I noticed him doing the same. “Not anymore.”
He stood up from the chair and moved to stand before me, trying to look threatening but only managing to come off looking stupid.
“This is my house, and you are not going to speak to me that way.” The tone of his voice sounded oddly like a father running out of tactics.
“Oh, I’m sorry; did I upset mighty King Bam?” The sarcasm dripped from my tongue like venom. Without waiting for his answer I shoved away from the table and headed for the door. I didn’t even bother to find my jacket as I reached for the knob.
A harsh wind slapped my face as I finally jerked the door open and walked outside. I suddenly regretted not grabbing my jacket, but there was no way I could go back inside. As I took the first two steps down into the snake driveway I became frightfully aware of the tears stinging my eyes. This wasn’t fucking fair. I swiped the tears away with the palm of my hand, pressing on my eyeballs with so much force it actually hurt. I wasn’t sure how where I was going-I didn’t have a car, there was no one I could call…
“God fucking dammit!” I cursed loudly, kicking at a stray rock as hard as I could. It bounced off the driveway and a small smile graced my lips as it collided with the side of Bam’s Hummer.
I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans, not caring where I was going. I just needed to get out of here. Halfway down the driveway I heard the front door slam open behind me but I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. I kept walking, my pace speeding up as I tried to make it to the street before he could catch up to me.
“Ville! Ville, don’t do this to me!” he shouted and I could hear his footsteps getting closer. “Please come back here!”
I spun around on my heel then, my eyes shooting daggers at him. He continued to sprint to my side-stopping only when he was inches from my face.
“What the fuck do you want, Bam?” I spat.
He stared at me as if he wasn’t sure what to say. With a scowl, I turned back around and continued my trek to the road. If he wasn’t going to say anything, then I wasn’t going to listen. I didn’t make it three steps before he stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. This time I didn’t turn around.
“Ville, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice soft on the back of my neck.
Brushing his hand off, I growled, “I don’t believe you anymore.”
“Why can’t you face me?” his hand returned, trying to get me to turn around and look him in the eye.
“Fuck you, Bam. I said I’m done-now can I just leave in semi-peace?” When I brushed his hand off this time he didn’t put it back.
“No, no you can’t!” he called after me, again sprinting to reach my side. I was growing tired of this. “Ville, listen to me, I don’t know how to get you to believe me, but you have to! I…I don’t know what I was saying back there. I was just angry; I didn’t mean any of it.”
“Bam, I said I’m done, end of story.” He tried to wrap his arms around my waist but I violently shoved away from him. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
“Ville-”
“No, don’t fucking say anything else,” I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket and quickly lit it, inhaling deeply as I once more tried to walk away. He jumped in front of me, his arms held out comically. I would have laughed at any other time…
“Please,” he begged. His eyes locked with mine for the first time since I walked out. “You’re…I’m sorry.”
“How many times are you going to repeat that?” I asked almost lightly, but I quickly corrected myself and snarled. “If you’re not going to say anything important I’m leaving-and you’re not going to stop me.”
“Ville, you’re all I’ve ever wanted,” he whispered suddenly, almost as if he had to spit it out before I ran. Which, in essence, was true. I stumbled for a second, not really sure what he expected me to say. “Listen to me for one goddamn second, okay? If you walk away from me now, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. Just…just stay, if only for a little longer.”
What was he trying to pull? I didn’t know what to think. I took another drag off my cigarette and ran a hand through my hair. “What do you want me to say?”
“Say yes,” he smiled lightly. “Say you’ll come back inside.”
“Bam, I…” I really had nothing to say. Where else was I going to go? With a heavy sigh I pushed past him and began walking toward his door. I didn’t have to turn around to know that he was following me.