July Week 3

[_lippie_]

Here is my week 3 entry!  Topic: "Happiness is..."

Summary: She was a silly little thing, really, with china doll limbs and a chubby, pouty face that turned tomato red when she didn't get her way.  Fiction.  Third person limited.

Naïveté

She was a silly little thing, really, with china doll limbs and a chubby, pouty face that turned tomato red when

Comments

[_lippie_]

My goal was to convey adult ideas through a unique voice - a child's voice.
There are some observations made by the child (and thus, conveyed to the readers) that the *child* couldn't understand - but, when when read by and adult, *they* would understand what they meant instantly.

So yes, I'm glad you noticed that! :]

[southernbellakv]

I really liked this, but I'm a sucker for kids. :) I, personally, think the known facts at the end should be taken out and the piece stand on its own, but I like things that are open for interpretation. I got that it was the father as soon as the little girl mentioned twirling like mommy used to do with daddy. That's just me. :)

I really enjoyed it and I do think you captured the child's innocent point of view. I deal with kids who've been through hell and back because of their parents, but they still have this angelic picture of their parents, and a lot of it is from ignorance. I think that's how it should be for a child.

Good luck this week, but I doubt you'll need it!

[_lippie_]

Oh, I'm glad you picked up on that. :] I figured the 'twirling with daddy' thing (spoken of in past tense) *would* make it more obvious...or at least hint at it...
Thanks much! :]

[kay_brooke]

Oh, this is very good! I like that it's from the perspective of the little girl. That she doesn't quite understand but we do puts a nice melancholy undertone to the whole thing, and I like the contrast with the girl's happiness.

[_lippie_]

Thank you :]

[intermezzo_poet]

Nice work, as always. :)

Children are so naive... it must be nice, right? I loved the vivid descriptions and Angie's adorable innocence.

My main critique would just be that the end does seem a bit rushed... it might be impossible for it not to feel rushed in such a short span of time (assuming this story took place over the span of a few minutes). I think that perhaps inserting flashbacks to clarify the situation (instead of bluntly saying he was dead) might help... though I guess you really weren't that blunt, either, so... :P It's up to you, though. Even if you leave it as is, this is one of my favorites. You just asked for criticism, so I felt obligated. :P

Nice work! :)

[_lippie_]

Oh thank you. :)
I took out the blunt statement though. In retrospect, it seemed a bit uneeded. I appreciate your honesty. :]

Editor #1

[attentionhoard]

Hi there!

I just have to start by saying that this is an adorable story that is very well-written. I really love it. Great job on the proofreading because I didn't catch anything that was glaring me in the face as being incorrect.

My main suggestion is totally only a suggestion. Because of what I like to write and read, really, I'd suggest maybe thinking about what you wanted your reader to gain/take from this piece. The story seems sort of like a vignette of a much larger situation that I, personally, would love to hear more of.

Hope this helps! It's totally opinion and it's probably a good sign that I couldn't offer you more technical help!

Good luck this week, you have a great piece!

Re: Editor #1

[_lippie_]

Thank you *very* much! I appreciate it. :]