From this, I'd say the boundary issues are whether you let your husband control your behavior and choose your friends.
Your friend also has boundary issues, or she wouldn't have had this new guy over, especially given his behavior while out, especially given his behavior around her kids. But you can't control her. You did respond to a child's call for help, though. You helped make it so that the kids were protected and safe. You are an adult, and assessed the situation as an adult, and made a judgment call, and it turns out not to have been a bad one.
Some people do choose to live in a situation where their spouse is in control of them, for one reason or another, and maybe that's been your choice. Or maybe he's okay with you choosing his friends for him, and you have a reciprocal agreement that way. But if those aren't the case (or maybe even if one of those is the case), you might want to reconsider who makes important decisions for you, being as you're an adult.
It sounds like your husband was afraid for your safety (and rightly so, probably). It's not his place to "forbid" you from seeing people but he was probably genuinely afraid for you and what you could be getting in the middle of.
Maybe while it came out as "you're forbidden to see her!" what he really meant was "you put yourself in a dangerous situation and didn't tell me about it and I was afraid you could be hurt!" It could be that as much as you need to learn some boundaries, he also needs to learn to express himself better.
My husband doesn't tell me who I can and cannot see, but if his radar was seriously going off about a particular person, that would certainly merit us sitting down and discussing it. While I have the ultimate say in who I keep close, my husband's opinion matters very much to me. Maybe your husband felt like he was trying to protect you from something awful and you wouldn't listen to his opinion?
that's EXACTLY it~ my husband was CRYING when i got home--he was like, "you mean the world to me, and since she doesn't value you, you are forbidden from seeing her!"
i get why he said it...and we did discuss this for a long, long time....i just need to learn HOW to say NO! and have it MEAN SOMETHING to her!
In this situation though you didn't have to necessarily say no. Your friend thought she was in danger, so you did something to help that. Next time if a situation arises that is like that, call the cops or something. There's no reason your husband should forbid you from seeing a friend.
I could understand him asking you not to see her anymore because of his concerns, but to actuall forbid you? That is extreme.
I think people are taking what you are saying out of context. I don't think your husband FORBID you from seeing her, but really has discouraged you from seeing her
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It's hard to stand back and watch your friends make mistakes and hurt themselves/the people around them. But can you imagine how much harder it is on your husband to watch it happen to YOU? You have no control over how she lives her life, no more than he has direct control over how you live yours, but you have a duty to keep yourself safe and happy....and in turn keep your husband safe and happy. And not half scared out of his mind!
I completely agree with this comment. My hubby would have probably reacted somewhat like that out of fear for my safety. He's probably just scared of losing you next time your friend gets herself in a similar situation.
I think your friend did a very stupid thing. She should not have taken her children. She should not have given this man her home address - she should have agreed to meet him in a public place, and let people know where she was going. And after his behaviour on the date she should not have allowed this man into her home
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Your friend also has boundary issues, or she wouldn't have had this new guy over, especially given his behavior while out, especially given his behavior around her kids. But you can't control her. You did respond to a child's call for help, though. You helped make it so that the kids were protected and safe. You are an adult, and assessed the situation as an adult, and made a judgment call, and it turns out not to have been a bad one.
Some people do choose to live in a situation where their spouse is in control of them, for one reason or another, and maybe that's been your choice. Or maybe he's okay with you choosing his friends for him, and you have a reciprocal agreement that way. But if those aren't the case (or maybe even if one of those is the case), you might want to reconsider who makes important decisions for you, being as you're an adult.
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Maybe while it came out as "you're forbidden to see her!" what he really meant was "you put yourself in a dangerous situation and didn't tell me about it and I was afraid you could be hurt!" It could be that as much as you need to learn some boundaries, he also needs to learn to express himself better.
My husband doesn't tell me who I can and cannot see, but if his radar was seriously going off about a particular person, that would certainly merit us sitting down and discussing it. While I have the ultimate say in who I keep close, my husband's opinion matters very much to me. Maybe your husband felt like he was trying to protect you from something awful and you wouldn't listen to his opinion?
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i get why he said it...and we did discuss this for a long, long time....i just need to learn HOW to say NO! and have it MEAN SOMETHING to her!
beth
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I could understand him asking you not to see her anymore because of his concerns, but to actuall forbid you? That is extreme.
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It's hard to stand back and watch your friends make mistakes and hurt themselves/the people around them. But can you imagine how much harder it is on your husband to watch it happen to YOU? You have no control over how she lives her life, no more than he has direct control over how you live yours, but you have a duty to keep yourself safe and happy....and in turn keep your husband safe and happy. And not half scared out of his mind!
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the way he found out about it was i told him once i got home...suffice to say, he wasn't happy.
beth
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