Advice columns and relationships

Jan 04, 2008 09:03

I thought these letters to Dear Margo gave me an interesting angle on something I've been mulling over lately. I've found that my husband and I often have very different interpretations of the same situation, not just in our own relationships, but also in our interactions as a couple with other people (I'm specifically thinking of in-laws). It's ( Read more... )

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Comments 26

pancetta January 4 2008, 14:11:40 UTC
This is why I always feel uncomfortable with telling women to leave their husbands and so on. We only get one sliver of the whole picture.

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merlyn4401 January 4 2008, 14:20:24 UTC
Exactly.

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areawoman January 4 2008, 14:35:49 UTC
Yep. Many times I've thought this community may have made a problem worse instead of helping solve it, if only by reinforcing a misperception the original person might have had.

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empressmiaka January 4 2008, 14:42:21 UTC
In cases where the community has gotten the wrong idea, what do you think people should do? Sometimes, I wonder what the true purpose for this community is at all, you know? It's not like the parenting or breastfeeding communities where you can come in and ask how to do something really quick. Marriage is a divisive and complex topic. What's acceptable to one person is not even in the ballpark for another.

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kitchenwitch January 4 2008, 14:26:23 UTC
I would've sided with the boyfriend anyway. Her relationship with her ex-husband DOES involve him and I don't blame him for being uncomfortable. Of course, if my husband "absolutely forbid" me to do something, I'd give him an earful.

And if I were Margo, I'd tell him to dump her. She's lying to him about calling her ex!

But, yeah, I see your point. :) It'd be interesting, though I bet in the venue of Livejournal, it'd just be drama-tastic. (It DID happen once that I know of, actually... Regarding a bachelor party, if I remember correctly.)

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couchtiger January 4 2008, 14:32:42 UTC
I agree...her friendships by proxy affect him.

I remember reading that two sided argument...I think both sides were equally nuts!

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empressmiaka January 4 2008, 14:32:31 UTC
I think that in alot of cases the ladies of _marriedlife_" jump to a worst case scenario on everything. For instance, I brought up my husband looking at porn on my computer awhile ago, and the responses were largely that he was a sex addict. That's not even close to the case. Alot of times, when someone is venting on here, we're not getting a clear picture of what's really going on. We don't have windows into other people's living rooms. We don't know the baggage. We don't know the backstory. Sometimes even our closest friends don't even know what's REALLY going on. It's hard to give advice based on a few paragraphs of one side of a story.

And unfortunately, alot of the men that show up in here to offer their perspectives act kinda jerky. :(

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empressmiaka January 4 2008, 14:33:07 UTC
Doh, I wish I could edit. _marriedlife_

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empressmiaka January 4 2008, 14:34:57 UTC
And I will say that I dont' think that anyone is being malicious in jumping to the worst case scenario. It's just that alot of people don't understand, completely, situations that they're not familiar with. I don't completely understand what it's like to be a gay woman, or a SAHM, or a military wife, or have supportive in-laws, or even what it's like to have siblings, so I have a hard time putting myself in the shoes of others. When a situation is unfamiliar, it's hard to moderately think of how you would feel without jumping to a conclusion.

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nectarines January 4 2008, 15:08:23 UTC
That is so true.

I can't count the number of things in my life that I've done, which I swore I'd *never* do. Not, you know, murder and mayhem. But a lot of little things, and even a couple of big things. You do what you feel is best in the middle of a situation, even if it contradicts prior belief.

I think you're right - people who say, "I'd never do X," or "I'd leave him in a heartbeat" aren't necessarily trying to be judgmental and bitchy. They really do believe that is how they'd act in that situation. And maybe they're even right, sometimes. But unless they've been there, they don't really know.

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purple_onyx January 4 2008, 18:26:41 UTC
If you think about it, people will react in almost always the same way, given only a set amount of information. It's like a woman crying to her girlfriend and telling her girlfriend that her boyfriend may be cheating on her. How many girlfriends would actually go and say, "Well, let me ask him to get his side of the story and I'll get back to you"? There are some who are just there to console, while some will also jump the gun and say, "Now I don't like him--want me to hurt him for you?"

In this case, the woman asking for advice didn't mention the other pieces of information because she may have either:
1) Thought for some reason it was irrelevant or
2) Wanted to project a particular scenario she knew would get the reaction she wanted

IMHO, communities/forums/friends/etc are not here to solve the actual problem--they are here to help solve a problem as presented by the original poster. When people ask for advice, I always ask a lot of questions because I need more information than the initial information provided. Meh, sometimes ( ... )

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jadecat January 4 2008, 21:02:40 UTC
I'm an all sides sort- meaning that I always try to see any situation from multiple points of view, and I'm pretty good at it. I've had people ask me 'why did they do that?!' and I can usually come up with something like 6 explanations- all plausible. It can really help.

When my DH and I are in a discussion- we've learned to be very clear and tell the other how we see the situation. Early on there was some trouble brewing, but it got soothed when we realized how differently we saw the situation. We're not perfect about it- but we both really try.

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