I blame the Lunar Eclipse

[geekissexy23]

First I want to thank everyone and their awesome advice from my first post located here.

Things were OK for a little while, He spent most of his nights at school and I spent most of my days at work. We saw eachother at night, and I thought things were going OK for the most part, still some bickering, but we talked about a lot of things and I

Comments

[graphemes]

but he is right. . . you DID just put your plans before your marriage. If you truly felt that it was worth working it out . . . your plans should not supersede your marriage.

It would hurt me too, if my husband said "Sure let's get some counseling but can we plan it around some social events that are far more important to me than you."

[geekissexy23]

But I didn't- I just said LET me know what she has available so that i can move things around. He NEVER asks me what I have planned because hes used to me sitting at home all day bending to his whim. In NO way did i say that was more important, in NO way did I say NO to counceling to him- on the contrary I WAS the one that has been pushing counceling it took me forever for him to say yes

[graphemes]

OK no problem, just do me a favor and find out what she has available and LET ME KNOW before you book anything with her. I have a couple of things planned for Saturday and I would like to attend them, I haven't seen my brother in a month."

If this sounds like you're putting social events before your marriage to me . . . imagine how it sounded to him. I'm a complete stranger and I see it this way. I wasn't there to hear the sound of our voice, or maybe that he knows what you meant - but it doens't sound like you meant you would rearrange them.

I think you would have been better off saying "Tell me what she sets up and I'll rearrange everything to go with you."

If I'm completely off the mark, I apologise. I hope you work it out - best of luck to you.

[geekissexy23]

I tried to- but he didn't let me finish.
He just began attacking me and making me feel like crap for wanting to be out of the apt for once and didn't let me explain what I meant, or what the plans were or anything. He totally blew it out of proportion. I think he was more suprised that I had plans without him than "with" him. But i've been the one pushing counceling and he knew that I wouldnt just say "screw it" u know?

[couchtiger]

I don't think it's ever a lost cause until you want it to be, even if you have a bad fight and you are both angry for a while, if you don't want to give up then don't.

I hope the counseling is helpful for you guys, at the very least working on things together is a great positive step. I do agree with the above poster though, I can see why your husband might have felt a bit hurt that you wanted to ensure that marriage rehab didn't interfere with your social plans. I can see why you wanted him to check with you so you feel included and important too, though.

[geekissexy23]

But I was the one that found the councelor weeks ago, he just never ever put an effort. and I never said NO, I just said LET me know-

[couchtiger]

He's putting forth an effort now, though. It's just like...going tit for tat is never going to work. You will always feel slighted and so will he, it's lose-lose. So if you want the marriage and counseling to work, throw your efforts into it 100%, regardless of what you think is "fair" scheduling and what you perceive as effort on his part.

[geekissexy23]

But then what's with the moving out? If he realy wanted to work things out what with a Dear Jane Letter- that didn't make me feel like he wanted things to work out- If you did you wouldn't start it with "I'm moving out"
I just think that moving out is like a last resort ditch thing. Its harder to give up when someone is not there right?

[836am]

he wants to sleep with me and shower with me and do all the things we did before (NOT going to happen) and since he's not he feels hurt.

Do you mean because of your feelings towards him or because of some other reason(s)?

[geekissexy23]

because of our fights & my libido is really low and I don't want to sleep with him. He decided to start sleeping on the couch even before that- so to me it's like he lost those privelages when he wanted to sleep on the couch before me.

[fireyirishangel]

"Lost those privileges"? He's your husband, not a child. It sounds petty that you're not letting him sleep in bed with you.

[geekissexy23]

after 3 weeks of him NOT wanting to sleep with me yeah, I'd say he lost them. It makes me feel like he only wants to sleep with me if he's screwing me other wise the couch is fine, and it makes me feel like trash ya know?

[geekissexy23]

I totally understand. I guess like what I mean was that I was trying. Like I was putting everything that he said that he couldnt stand and not doing them. So I was trying to speak to him as an adult to an adult and trying to get him to understand why I was so hurt by that letter? I guess that's the best way to describe it I think. But yeah, I realy really don't want to have sex in general.

[nacho_cheese]

you're not having sex because you have no sex drive. Do you know what sex communicates to a man? When a man has sex with his wife, it makes him feel loved, secure, comforted, understood, proud. You are depriving him of those feelings and replacing them with insecurity, misunderstanding and indifference.

Though I'm a huge proponent of not doing what you don't want to do (especially in the sexual arena), I completely agree with you. Sex is more to a guy than we think, since it's usually women who are thought of as the ones who "make love." A guy bases a lot on the sexual activity, and when there's a lack, they wonder what's going on.

I heard something along the lines of eating to excite the appetite, and it's the same thing. The more you eat, the more you want to eat. The more you have sex, the more you want to. And it wouldn't hurt to give in and see where something goes. :)

(My $0.02 in a long laundry list of complaints!)

[la_musicologue]

Your advice is very good.

[fireyirishangel]

he wants to sleep with me and shower with me and do all the things we did before (NOT going to happen) and since he's not he feels hurt.

I'd feel hurt, too, if my fiance was telling me I couldn't sleep in our own bed, and if it continued, I'd probably take my leave. It strikes me as ridiculously petty to not "let" someone sleep in their own bed. If you don't want to be intimate, and you don't want him to shower with you, than fine. But if you want to work on this, then you need to start giving a little. Attention would be a good start, if he's truly not getting any from you.

I'd also have heard your "let me know, I have things I want to do" line in the same way that he did - that your social engagements are more important than the counseling sessions. I read your other comments, and if you meant that you'd move around your social engagements, then why say anything at all? He'd have to tell you when the appt. is made for, regardless, so when he does, then you rearrange.

Is it a loss cause at this point? Is there reallly

[country_grrl]

Very well said, and I totally agree.

[geekissexy23]

He decided to start sleeping on the couch I NEVER kicked him out of the bed- and by sleep I meant Sex.

The thing is I have NO obligations, I have no real friends in this state since i just moved here, I haven't left the house in months, I don't have hobbies or anything. He's the one that stays out unitl midnight every night with his friends with no care or concern.

[empressmiaka]

I'm not being snarky, but this post is starting to sound like a combination of a vent and "please be on my side" type of thing. It seems that you do have resentment toward him, and like everyone else, I would take the "tell me when the appointment is" comment the same way that he would as well. It almost sounded like you said that to be passive aggressive. However, I have no idea what your motives are as I don't even know you.

As everyone else has said, "Will this work out?" Who knows? You know more than we do on that matter. I guess I'm not 100% clear on what you're trying to accomplish here, other than trying to get people to empathize with you. If that's what you want, that's fine, but you're coming off like you want people to take sides.