Comments | _marriedlife_: I blame the Lunar Eclipse

geekissexy23 in _marriedlife_

I blame the Lunar Eclipse

Feb 21, 2008 13:19

First I want to thank everyone and their awesome advice from my first post located here.

Things were OK for a little while, He spent most of his nights at school and I spent most of my days at work. We saw eachother at night, and I thought things were going OK for the most part, still some bickering, but we talked about a lot of things and I ( Read more... )

Comments 125

rosesnrubies February 21 2008, 20:08:19 UTC

Yeah I went through this too. It sucked. I don't know what to tell you, honestly, except to send e-hugs, and that it took my husband another 3 months before he actually did call the counselor. Then about 3 or 4 months into counseling, he came out with, "I never wanted to come here, I didn't think it'd work anyways." So... Life throws lots of curveballs. I dont know, I'm not being any help, but my thoughts are with yall.

I will say this one thing. Try to be nice to each other - just... even when you get pissed off as all hell and want to scream and hit and throw things and just get on a plane to WHERETHEHELLEVER and go and not come back - just think of him as another person on the street who's had a rough day too, who needs a bit of compassion back in order to jump-start his own 'understanding' gene.

Does that make sense? It's a lot easier said than done, I know, but I hope yall are able to work things out so that you're both happy.

geekissexy23 February 21 2008, 20:10:57 UTC

Thanks so much- I will try to be nicer. I really have been working on it and I thought I was doing better until last night, but I will use that perspective when he gets me mad. THanks again =)

rosesnrubies February 21 2008, 20:12:13 UTC

Oh, I know how difficult it is, and there will be points where, in your mind, the scale tips to FUCK IT ALL, I AM NOT BEING NICE ANYMORE (pardon the language, it's just my internal dialogue) - but if you make the effort, and you see that he responds to it, then maybe those 'nice' times will get more frequent :)

jadecat February 21 2008, 20:10:21 UTC

The biggest issue I see here is that you two aren't communicating. You say one thing- he's hearing another, and when he says something- you hear something else. What will really help your marriage is if you learn to talk to each other, and to hear what the other is saying ( ... )

geekissexy23 February 21 2008, 20:14:59 UTC

That makes sense, I can totally understand that from our argument we had, and how we used a lot of I feel this way or I feel that way.

I guess I shouldn't have even brought up the notion of well MAYBE I actually had plans for once and just let him say what he needed to and go. But as for the individual counceling, Marriage counceling is already costing us a lot, But I really wouldn't mind to go to individual counceling, that is a thought. I want to work this out I just feel like everything is against us even if its not ya know? Thanks so much for your advice I realy appreciate it

jadecat February 21 2008, 20:30:17 UTC

Don't beat yourself up too hard- you're human! We all make mistakes, and communicating with another person can be hard! There are so many ways to say something- and there will always be times when the worst way to say a thing is taken in the worst way. Were the subject about anything other than counseling- your comment about scheduling may have been taken entirely differently. Heck, My hubby and I are great for each other- but we still had some communication issues to work out when we first got married. And we're practically perfect ( ... )

geekissexy23 February 21 2008, 20:35:52 UTC

I totally wasn't expecting EVER from him (esp him knowing the details of what my ex did) a Dear Jane letter- I guess that's what suprised me the most.

I do want to work this out, I guess it just hurts that he didn't put as much effort as I did when things first started going down hill- a lot of things could have been resolved if he just showed interest.

I didn't know about the social worker thing- I know a few ppl who work in SW. I will def give them a call later. Thanks so much for that, i would have never thought of it. =)

Thread 5

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geekissexy23 February 21 2008, 20:20:08 UTC

That was my biggest worry. That him moving out would be more hazardous that good. I'm still hanging in there =) thanks

cissa February 21 2008, 22:07:27 UTC

I've been married something like 26 years now, and I guess for me, doing stuff that was rather the opposite of what most of the commenters advise is what worked ( ... )

geekissexy23 February 21 2008, 22:20:57 UTC

OMG thanks SO Much. I was starting to feel guilty about the Sex thing-

And I KNOW that if I give him any, the next day he's just gonna go back sleeping on the couch, cuz he can and cuz he wants to- and where will that leave me other than feeling used. I hate having sex even when I don't want to, it is the ugliest feeling in the world. I am happy that someone put it in that perspective for me. I know sex is important- and I understand it. But if he's not putting an effort and threatening to move out WHY would I WANT to have sex with him? It does feel like a power struggle in a way, and just because he wants to have sex dosent mean he's trying, every guy wants to have sex.
Thanks for the advice - it put things in a diff perspective

cissa February 21 2008, 22:37:25 UTC

Glad I could help, at least a bit ( ... )

geekissexy23 February 22 2008, 01:57:44 UTC

thanks so much!!! I completely understand where you are coming from- its simlar to what My mother has been saying to me. Growing up Puerto Rican it is difficult to be in a marriage and not let you husband THINK he dosent have a lot of control. I didn't think i should allow him to sleep with me because for me sex is a priveladge not a right- and if i sleep with him when i dont want to that would be a very bad thing because he wil think that he can continue doing what he is doing when it is NOT ok.

I will prob shoot you an email this week for some of those "Details" again thanks so much =)

Thread 9

blueberryeyes17 February 22 2008, 00:46:21 UTC

I'm not married yet and I don't have a lot to offer except how do you both recall the beginning of your marriage and relationship together? Do you look back and have good memories, things you can work towards? Does he have good memories? If you both look back and just see bittnerness and anger and bad memories vs good positive things, I think that has a lot to say if you can work it out or not.

I think the counselor can help you a lot more than my advice, though. I'm really sorry you are going through this. Good luck!

geekissexy23 February 22 2008, 01:59:36 UTC

there were lots of good memories, except like i said in the other post we got married only after a month of datitng, so there are good memories, but not alot to build anything on. I was still sdjusting to the move and everything so it was difficult =( But we will definately see a councelor-
thank you!!!