I'm alone and alone and alone. There is nothing for it and no one. I mill around in my apartment at unfinished half chores, lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I stare at things for too long trying to remember half thoughts ago that were meaningless, maybe, but going on and when my brain paid attention, disappeared.

It's a nice moment to have with someone, when you describe the bleakness of what's in your head and they say something like I want to try to understand you ( Read more... )

Suddenly, my sex drive is back, but only for thoughts of dominance and control. Only pointed in stupid directions that I hate thinking on. It kills me to think of you in any positive light. To let you even one fraction of the way into my head and my life again. This is not some long drawn out story in which we end up together finally and then ( Read more... )

I have to wonder if the increasing isolation and unreality I feel is going to happen everytime someone from America comes here. Where are you phantom person I can spill my life to? Why don't you hop online, message me, and say just the right thing so I can confide in you? Why haven't we known each other forever and remain extremely close despite ( Read more... )

At the edge of this thing I'm about to jump off, I keep coming back to you. Part of it is that I had a vivid and somewhat accurate dream about you this week, which upsets me in a few small ways, but nothing too major. Part of it is that I'm continually amazed at where we are now. How integral you were to me for so long and how useless you are to ( Read more... )

4/10/10
I'm aware that I haven't found a good rhythm here. Soaking my head in music. No close friends. the TALK with Tony hanging over my head. Monday morning or evening? There are some moments of joy + happiness. Some moments of feeling right in my skin. Why am I still so shy? Why can't I say the things I think? Why am I worried about ( Read more... )

Sometimes, I'm blown away by how much lyrics seem to be playing what's in my head, and then I remember that it is impossible to view art with the same mindset as it was made in, and these songs are comfortably vague because that makes them appeal to more people, and I am not unique in feeling this way.

you can't will yourself happy, you can't will ( Read more... )

she came across the room without notice, the tears and the blood locked in the walls
she took one step, two steps, three steps, soon she was dancing
she said here is where I will find peace

but this won't get out of my head as a perfect description of the nights here.

I'm about to kill something important (no worries, it's not me).

Growing up, one house I lived in was dark, blinds always down, dark colors, lights that for some reason, even though it was a nice house, worked intermittently ( Read more... )

The Journey ( Read more... )