Comments | _xonikkiox_: If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again

_xonikkiox_

If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again

May 09, 2006 04:34

wow..here lately i haven't been sleeping well at all.. its terrible. when i close my eyes i just keep seeing what happened to me. i can't stand this. i dont know what to do. i think it would be easier if i could just hate ike. but i can't. god knows i've tried to hate him in this past week. i've tried to hate him and not think about him.. but i can ( Read more... )

Comments 47

tj_h May 10 2006, 03:03:32 UTC

no nikki no, don't feel like ur a failure. I'm the real failure, u don't have to feel bad for it. It's just my way, i take three steps forward and 10 steps back. I'm sorry i gave you false hope. Don't blame urself ok?

And never give up on love ok? promise me that.

_xonikkiox_ May 10 2006, 03:22:24 UTC

tay... i feel like a failure i can't help you.. i can't help ike...what good am i? i call my self your friend and i can't even help you. i gave myself false hope. to late i already blame myself... i do everyday and i will.

i've already given up on love so i can't promise you anything. it's to late.

tj_h May 10 2006, 04:50:02 UTC

No nikki don't do that. God! You are my friend. but u can't be blamed if i'm unhelpable. It's not ur fault. So fucking stop blaming urself or i'll tie u to the bed for a week and u'll be like another baby.

Dont' give up on love, i know for sure that the guy u like, likes you back

_xonikkiox_ May 10 2006, 05:09:31 UTC

it's to late. i blame myself. tay if im your friend you have to atleast LET me try and help you. you can't just push me away. i wont let you. you wouldn't do that to me. and if you did when i got untied it'd be on. but tay.. you can't change my mind about blaming myself.

tay..i give up on love for now. i might believe in it again i might not. your just saying that.

Thread 20

doinitwitrythem May 10 2006, 23:32:55 UTC

Nikki...hun, im just so sorry you feel so down.Dude, im sorry!Nikki...your a wonderful woman and im sorry that you are going through this.God, it must be so hard.To be raped.Id be aching and hurting too, id be scared of every move too.And I know it must be hard not to feel safe in the places you should most feel safe.Thats just horrible.But your a damn strong woman and handling this a lot damn better then a lot of us would.Your fucking AWESOME even though I know you dont feel like that at all right now ( ... )

_xonikkiox_ May 11 2006, 01:22:59 UTC

me being down is really nothing new is it? i'm always down anymore. i wish i was a wonderful woman. that'd make my day. i'm sorry i'm going through this too but i have to suck it up because it doesnt matter anymore. it is hard... really hard. i'm not use to being this scared and it really sucks. i hate being so jumpy. i don't feel safe anywhere. it sucks. what other way could i handle it by breaking down? shutting everyone out. hows that going to help me? whats done is done and nothing is going to change that.no i dont feel awesome at all ( ... )

doinitwitrythem May 11 2006, 07:35:33 UTC

You talk as if im shittin you.I shit you not woman.I shit you not!Lol.Have I ever lied to you?I dont think I have.So why would I just say that your a wonderful woman if your not?I wouldnt waste my time on that, especially these days right now you'd think id be insulting all the woman race lmfao..so seriously..I aint going to compliment you on something if I dont feel it was completely earned.I know..and im sorry.But Nikki,your taking the approach not many are brave enough to face,most people shut down completely at that point..thank god you havent and your not looking at that as a choice ( ... )

_xonikkiox_ May 11 2006, 12:25:58 UTC

i dont think your talking shit... i just dont think i'm wonderful anymore. i use too..but now...myself esteem isn't to good. *bits lip* its not right. aww you could never insult me to my face you love me to much! i know you think i've earned it but i dont. i dont think i deserve any praise. i can't shut down completely..the twins need me. i can't just shut them out. their the only reason i have shut people down completely. because its not a choice. i would never that to my boys ( ... )

Thread 7

doinitwitrythem May 10 2006, 23:51:41 UTC

wait?I think im missing something.

There is something that is important needing to be discussed but you dont know if you want to come out about it just yet?

Please Nikki...heaven forbid...please tell me not this way.Please tell me a child wasnt concieved out of rape?

_xonikkiox_ May 11 2006, 01:24:42 UTC

*bites lip and looks down*

i dont know..i'm late and....i've never been late..cept for with the twins...but it could just be the stress....i don't know...

tj_h May 11 2006, 04:51:01 UTC

wat the hell?! I'M GONNA GO GET A FUCKING PREGNANCY TEST!! DOn't try and stop me. Fuck nikki, don't sit there WORRYING..... do something. FUck fuck fuck. You know i'll help you, i always will. DOn't suffer when we can find out the options and figure out wat to do. You don't wanna suffer and find out it was just a false alarm. We'll figure this out ok?

I'll goddamn kill him

_xonikkiox_ May 11 2006, 05:04:06 UTC

tay...just because im late doesnt mean im pregnant... i really dont wanna do that till i'm atleast 2 weeks late. i'm not really worrying....i'm just confused....what do you mean options? if im pregnant well then i guess i'm having another kid. i dont think its a false alarm... *sniffles* no use killing him now..its done.

Thread 18

ike__hanson May 14 2006, 10:24:46 UTC

Nik, god baby. I'm so sorry you keep reliving that. I know everything about it is unfair. I cant even remember it and you see it over and over. You didnt deserve it. And it wasnt me, not really me and i thank god that you can at least see that. I really am sorry though and im gonna get better, i will i swear it ( ... )

_xonikkiox_ May 14 2006, 22:47:56 UTC

dont be sorry.... because sorry doesnt help...and yeah. just because i know it wasn't you...doesnt make it right. i didn't deserve it but i seem to get everything i don't deserve instead of what i deserve anymre. well...if you getting better came out of this...well i guess its kind of good ( ... )