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[accidentalkaos]

It has occurred to me that absolutely nothing has changed. I've realized this while a work; I took a leave of absence and went to treatment. But nothing at all changed. I'm the same person. Just fatter. And more miserable. I told everyone that I'm doing so much better but I'm not. I'm doing so much worse

Comments

[love_n_solace]

Can you move home???? And take a leave from work then???

[accidentalkaos]

I already moved home....I think it's actually a big trigger for me. I also just got back from a leave of absence. I had money, but driving to and from partial every day was 150 miles round trip and it all but emptied my bank account. I have a car payment and a couple other smaller bills that I just wouldn't be able to afford.

I don't know. I wouldn't be able to do partial again because I can't afford the gas(it was a good $200+ a week!!) and I just have a hard time thinking that anything else would be worth it. I weigh way too much for my liking and I can't say I would be okay with eating a meal plan and gaining (which is why I haven't seen my nutrtitionist since discharge. Since May, actually). Idk. Every round of treatment makes my Ed so much worse I don know if I can do it yet again. I don't think I can recover, you know? That's why I feel so trapped. I don't think life can get better than this, and this just flat out sucks.

[love_n_solace]

Is your weight at a healthy place??? Following an appropriate meal plan can help it to be at a healthy place. It can also help your mood become more stable :)

[love_n_solace]

do you have a therapist that you can talk to about how suicidal you feel? Do your meds need adjusting?

[accidentalkaos]

I have been seeing a therapist. We've been doing a lot of trauma work which I'm sure plays into it. Idk. I mean, my weight is in the healthy range. People say I'm too thin but numerically speaking I should be just fine.
I'm not on any meds right now, at least not for depression and/or anxiety. I'm not sure about being so honest with my therapist or psychiatrist. I dont have a plan or anything, it's more just not seeing the point. Im afraid they would try and put me in a hospital or something and that's the last thing I need.
I just want something to go right for me, some sense of hope that things will get better. But everytime things get good, they immediately get really really really bad....so I've stopped believing they can ever be good for me. I just feel hopeless. I told staff that at Walden and they just ended up discharging me. I just get the feeling that THIS is my life forever, so I really dont see the point in trying to stay alive.