One of my coworkers killed herself on Friday.

At first I was sad and angry and couldn't understand it.
But now I can't stop thinking that maybe she had the right idea.

My therapist thinks we should stop working on the eating disorder since I am "unwilling to recover". I tell her every week that I really DO want to recover....the problem is that I am SO sure that I am overweight and so gaining even an ounce doesn't make sense. I am seeing this guy who is awesome and makes me feel like that is untrue (maybe) but ( Read more... )

I feel like I am just....going backwards. Really far backwards ( Read more... )

It has occurred to me that absolutely nothing has changed. I've realized this while a work; I took a leave of absence and went to treatment. But nothing at all changed. I'm the same person. Just fatter. And more miserable. I told everyone that I'm doing so much better but I'm not. I'm doing so much worse ( Read more... )

I don't WANT food. I'm not even interested in food.

I just can't. stop. eating.

I don't get it. It doesn't taste good. It doesn't feel good to binge anymore. I just keep....doing it.

I am binging and purging like I haven't in a long time.

God help me.

for the first time in awhile....

food terrifies me.

and exercise is becoming compulsive. that has never been an issue for me :/


( Read more... )

My new therapist is great. I, of course, am not always sold on this idea, but I have started to be able to see that she really is amazing. In three sessions, I have accomplished more with her than I did in five years with Deb.
She wants details. She asks me questions I am terrified to answer. The words are awkward on my lips, they feel dirty and ( Read more... )

Weighed myself. Actually brought me to tears. I have gained so much weight it's absurd ( Read more... )

I don't know why I bother to write in this anymore.

I don't know why I bother to talk to anyone anymore.

No one listens anyway. I guess I've mostly stopped talking.

I've cut everyone out of my life. I've stopped talking. I'm not worth listening to.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself.
I can't come up with a reason not to.

At lake George with my best friend and her friend, Tim ( Read more... )