This has been a trying year in many ways. I'm not dead, in jail or in a hospital, and that means it's been a good year too. I feel like I've grown tremendously as a human being, and, lucky as I am to have them around me, I feel the people in my life have too. People have come and people have gone, old doors closed and new ones opened. I got a job, ( Read more... )

I've been thinking a lot in themes. Fear was a strong one for a while. Now the past. I've been playing Max Payne 2 and the whole notion is a man tortured by his past. It got me thinking a lot about the past and how it defines us. It seems that, it is a bit like a dream, it controls us until we're aware that it happened, in the way that it did - and ( Read more... )

I'm wondering if I should be a physics major. Something I just noticed is the part of the chemistry exams that I did really well on involve physics and math. I memorize formulas like it's nothing, for example, off the top of my head the wavelength of radiation either absorbed or emitted is 1/lamba = (Rhydberg Constant)(1/n^2_i-1/n^2_f) where i is ( Read more... )

I've woke up the last two days to complete silence. As the day passed, the complete lack of a storm of thoughts in my head led me to believe that I was depressed. I woke up today however and realized this is how everyone feels - well adjusted people that is. Most days they wake up without a sense of urgency or panick in their mind. This is why they ( Read more... )

One of the things that has puzzled me the last year is how sensitive I have noticed that I am to caffeine. At first I assumed this to mean that there is something wrong with me and that I can't handle caffeine and other people can. My life in recent times has been a process of letting go of pathology. Every normal emotion I've experienced since I ( Read more... )

I've decided that I need to journal my thoughts more. Especially my ideas. Somewhere it seems I've drawn back from it all. Maybe that's okay. Sometimes I feel like Jen is the only person who really sees all sides of me in this regard: the firey intellectual, the little boy with a vulnerable curiosity for about the world, the recluse whose content ( Read more... )

Okay ( Read more... )

I'm about ready to fucking cry. I just got my logic exam back: D-. I had an A in this class only 2 weeks ago. Now I have a C. A fucking C. And if I'm lucky I can pull it up to a B- minus which will totally fuck my GPA because it's a 4 credit-hour class. I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow, but right now I feel like breaking things. The amazing ( Read more... )

I woke up today and felt so good that I can't understand why I don't wake up that way everyday. What feels so good is that I'm feeling at all. Memories of the past have been flooding me the last three months, things I thought I'd long forgotten. My memories tend to be like dreams, I remember them with this vague kind of picture and feeling. And it ( Read more... )

A fellow at work said he was trying to get back to zero. From the way he talked about it I assumed he meant bottom. But the more thought I give to it, the more I think he meant something more, even if he didn't know it. He talked about hittting bottom and how you had to suffer to know happiness. But what if that's not zero? What if that's just part ( Read more... )