if. i hate this word. it comes up so many times in my life. and, the sleepy, happy drugs don't help.

[addyit]

if. if i had a certainty.

well. if i had a certainty of happiness, love, pleasure, and the pull of true attachment tugging me right behind my navel... i might risk it.

i might even risk this racked, disease-infested, mutation-filled, drug mutilated body of mine. ....but that wouldn't be fair, just to appease my own desire to feel motherhood.

Comments

[missdiane]

I think the option of being a birth coach to experience vicariously the birth experience might be a good idea. You know the risks to you and to a child for yourself so helping others might help give that feeling of "giving life"

[addyit]

or "aiding" life coming into the world.
i look into the eyes of newborn babes and it fills me with.. something i have never felt before.

trouble is, i don't WANT a baby.
i want the feeling without the responsibility. i want to help. i want to be overwhelmed. most have to go through the entire process to feel that, and i can't. i accept that.

i suppose the only way i could do this is to find someone who would want me to be a part of their birth. sadly, i don't know many who would instantly look to me for such a task. my health is too precarious.

[veganhothead]

I agree with D, if you're feeling it, it might be your calling.

I got your card this afternoom btw, It was nice to have a reminder of less gray times. I gotta get my act together with the cards next year.

[addyit]

i did love sending those cards. i can't figure out why it took SO long for them all to arrive. Casey's never arrived at all! it got sent back, in March!