I disagree that it's not your responsibility. YOU initiated contact, thus YOU are responsible for the immediate rack of feelings that that contact provokes.
Never mind that she's responsible for giving you away (or however it happened) in the first place ...
I think you at least owe your mom a return letter expressing pretty much what you've told us here. If you can tell a bunch of strangers on the Internet, why can't you forward the message on to her too?
Having reread to make sure I didn't miss anything - don't tell your dad much of anything yet, at least not until you get some sort of permission off your mom. I mean, I wouldn't want anyone telling any of my ex's anything that I hadn't okayed for public knowledge, dunno about you? <= rhetorical question
I don't even know if she'd want to. And it's not my responsibility to make her feel better about decisions. I would like to, but on the other hand after such a letter where she's pushing me away the whole time, until the very last minute where there was a glimpse of hope... Why?
In your line of thinking, she is responsible for all my rack of feelings due to her initiating contact with me and birthing me. Which she threw under the bus with her weird response.
from my personal journal...after_the_ashesApril 3 2010, 23:14:59 UTC
Ugh. I've been playing devil's advocate to my fear, piecing together what made since from the responses and my own common sense. This is what I would've responded to myself:
She probably just wrote back quickly without really thinking, just excited to get something out.
Next time it wouldn't be so crazy (letter) and you could move on from there, or not if it makes you even more uncomfortable.
The balls in your court and it's ok. You need closure and should write back, take it a step at a time (slowly!) and see what happens.
Obviously, I didn't think talking to my dad about her was great, and won't be telling him her info. But I do plan to tell her when/if I write her again. She spoke of having pictures of them together (she wanted to know if I wanted her to look for them, once her attitude seemed to change at the very end).
It's ok to be scared. It's ok to not want to. It's ok to do it an get over it.
I wanted to hear any side, because I thought maybe I'd get some encouragement, some confidence, not all of this. I said I didn't think I'd agree, what can I say? You've made it easy.
I disagree. It's essential to gain input from all sides in order to be able to make a carefully calculated decision that can affect other people deeply. I think the OPs been very wise in asking for such help ... ok, so zie's not so impressed with the responses, but eventually zie'll realise that pats on the back and validation're no good if they're supporting the wrong thing. ;)
I was hoping for encouragement to actually get myself to write her and continue on with it. I do want to. It's just hard when something is so off and unexpected.
Wrt your edit: I'm sorry, but we're not here to make you feel good, we're here to tell you the truth as we see it.
If there's flaws in a plan, people who give a toss will tell you. Surely we're all here because we give a toss about other adoptees, as well as ourselves?
Fear not the crazy - most people're saner than they like to let on. ;)
I didn't want to feel good, just encouraged to write her. And from all this, man, I don't feel that, obviously. The truth as "you" see it, that's definitely what I got! A lot of other people's baggage transferred into my situation. Which, yes, didn't dawn on me. I thought I'd be encouraged. Should've remember it's the internet... Also, I had/have no plan. Still don't. Too many flaws in just thinking a plan over.
I gotta say, it just does not seem like many that commented gave a toss about others' feelings. Again, the internet, and hurt people. Makes sense. It's also just hard to convey things the right way by typing.
Sorry but *you* are the one who doesn't give a toss about other people's feelings. You are the one who is a hurt person. You are the one bringing the baggage. This is enough time wastage. Good luck girl, really mean that, good luck.
Obviously I have baggage! Hence writing this. Anyone who is adopted does. Anyone who's anyone does! I don't blame everyone for having baggage. Just that if someone else had written this, I would've either not commented or tried to step back from mine and give support. Or just given my own experience up front like some did.
I am still so confused why people think I lack empathy or don't give a toss about other people's feelings. I wouldn't feel guilt. I wouldn't have written here. I wouldn't be trying to do what's right.
Also, I'm sorry you see it as a waste of time, 'cause all this has really helped me. Otherwise I would've just deleted the post as soon as it veered off course (in my mind).
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Never mind that she's responsible for giving you away (or however it happened) in the first place ...
I think you at least owe your mom a return letter expressing pretty much what you've told us here. If you can tell a bunch of strangers on the Internet, why can't you forward the message on to her too?
Having reread to make sure I didn't miss anything - don't tell your dad much of anything yet, at least not until you get some sort of permission off your mom. I mean, I wouldn't want anyone telling any of my ex's anything that I hadn't okayed for public knowledge, dunno about you? <= rhetorical question
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She probably just wrote back quickly without really thinking, just excited to get something out.
Next time it wouldn't be so crazy (letter) and you could move on from there, or not if it makes you even more uncomfortable.
The balls in your court and it's ok. You need closure and should write back, take it a step at a time (slowly!) and see what happens.
Obviously, I didn't think talking to my dad about her was great, and won't be telling him her info. But I do plan to tell her when/if I write her again. She spoke of having pictures of them together (she wanted to know if I wanted her to look for them, once her attitude seemed to change at the very end).
It's ok to be scared. It's ok to not want to. It's ok to do it an get over it.
I think that covers it all.
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Good luck!
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I think you are the one who is a crazie.
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If there's flaws in a plan, people who give a toss will tell you. Surely we're all here because we give a toss about other adoptees, as well as ourselves?
Fear not the crazy - most people're saner than they like to let on. ;)
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I gotta say, it just does not seem like many that commented gave a toss about others' feelings. Again, the internet, and hurt people. Makes sense. It's also just hard to convey things the right way by typing.
Thanks for that last bit, honestly. True.
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I am still so confused why people think I lack empathy or don't give a toss about other people's feelings. I wouldn't feel guilt. I wouldn't have written here. I wouldn't be trying to do what's right.
Also, I'm sorry you see it as a waste of time, 'cause all this has really helped me. Otherwise I would've just deleted the post as soon as it veered off course (in my mind).
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Um,....what does one say, you're welcome?
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