Some people just don't have the type of personality that picks fights. The little fights, of the form "Why did you get light mayo when you know perfectly well I like regular?" I have never understood what makes people do that. I also have never understood picking a loud screamy fight over something like jealousy when you could just negotiate it instead
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I'm good at knowing what I want and saying it in exactly the way that would normally cause me to have ridiculous fights about mayonnaise. But Mike does not react in a fightish way to such things. He says "oops" and we determine how important it is to have correct mayonnaise anytime soon and if it's important that it be soon he goes and gets the right kind. So that's good, because I don't have to quietly rearrange my wants to keep the peace.
I'm pretty sure he checks all the boxes that have to be checked under "primary". Actually, before we even started dating the first time, I fell for him abruptly and was freaking out internally about how I was not supposed to do that, and I methodically made sure he checked all the known boxes under "sole lifetime partner" before I let myself do anything about it. He's a higher priority than anything I know him to conflict with, so I can hack it, I think, although I do consider your cautionary tale and that's part of why I'm so nervous about this.
It seems to work really well if you have people with the mutual ability to prioritize each other, shared external priorities, and the awareness of how much taking care of oneself is necessary for the others' well-being.
This is from external observation, as I'm in the same basic position you are--no trouble with *our* scrambled eggs, and much speculation over the years as to whether others are using powdered egg product, confusing a waffle iron with a frying pan, or what.
On top of the normal compatibility stuff most people try for, you two seem to have the extra advantages of • practice with luminosity and knowing your own goals, and • practice with the Principle of Optimism to keep disagreements focused on those goals.
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i don't think it necessarily means you're doing anything wrong. i certainly can't think of anything obvious you could be missing.
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Some people just don't have the type of personality that picks fights. The little fights, of the form "Why did you get light mayo when you know perfectly well I like regular?" I have never understood what makes people do that. I also have never understood picking a loud screamy fight over something like jealousy when you could just negotiate it instead ( ... )
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I'm pretty sure he checks all the boxes that have to be checked under "primary". Actually, before we even started dating the first time, I fell for him abruptly and was freaking out internally about how I was not supposed to do that, and I methodically made sure he checked all the known boxes under "sole lifetime partner" before I let myself do anything about it. He's a higher priority than anything I know him to conflict with, so I can hack it, I think, although I do consider your cautionary tale and that's part of why I'm so nervous about this.
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This is from external observation, as I'm in the same basic position you are--no trouble with *our* scrambled eggs, and much speculation over the years as to whether others are using powdered egg product, confusing a waffle iron with a frying pan, or what.
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• practice with luminosity and knowing your own goals, and
• practice with the Principle of Optimism to keep disagreements focused on those goals.
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