In which the spousal unit comes to visit

[alizarin_nyc]

The husband came around today to "get some of his stuff" and we sat and I was hoping for a talk or chat of some sort, about life, our marriage, what may or may not happen.

He doesn't know. Anything. What he wants, if we should get back together, if he wants to stay in New York, what he wants, what he wants, what

Comments

[alizarin_nyc]

Thank you. I am in a lot of pain. But I know it will pass.

[chelseagirl]

I'm so sorry, sweetie. So sorry that he's being so uncommunicative, and that even now he can't give you the things you need. Many hugs.

[alizarin_nyc]

He can't give anything - still. How would we even be friends? 12 years and it's just like this blank space where my husband used to be. :/

[anonymous]

Yes, glad the banging of the head against the brick wall is over, though I imagine all that must leave you feeling awful. You are right in everything, except that you are not good enough. Sending you much love. So sorry it has come to this and even in parting he cannot step up and show compassion.

[alizarin_nyc]

He can't feel anything toward me. It feels so... terrible. Like I don't exist. But then, I haven't existed for him in a long while.

[tesserae_]

*hugs

[alizarin_nyc]

I thought we had agreed - in advance - that he would move out and we would then work on the marriage. Build it back, brick by brick. But his agreement was just formulaic. I wonder if he ever planned to do this. He's now going to work on himself - something he's been saying he was doing all along. How much work does one person take! (Answer: a lot, but so does marriage).

wouldn't respond when I asked him a question OH MAN. That is quite passive aggressive and painful. Like you don't exist? My husband knew if he did that (which he often tried) that I would get up in his face about it. Then: "I didn't hear you!" Oh really

[imkalena]

I know that this is a tough time for you -- unbelievably tough, in my estimation. But you said you were open to observations, so . . .

in the above comment, am I reading you right? That despite losing your beloved animals, the trauma of marital separation, and, at one point, the threat of eviction . . . after your husband moved out, you got better?

That seems like a concept to ponder.

[alizarin_nyc]

Oh yes. That has been pondered and discussed and it was quite a surprise. A weight has been lifted. He was probably partly responsible for the slow recovery, I think.

What I'm going through now is the anger and grief. Not the desire to get back together, but I'm upset that he never tried, never really wanted to try, and now is just sort of shrugging his shoulders.

But yes, with him out of the way, the process of getting better has picked up speed.

[chelseapeal]

It's not that your best wasn't enough; your best wasn't enough for HIM. While that may not seem comforting now, there are plenty of people who love you and all that you have to give and accept you at your best now. It doesn't replace the 12 years. It doesn't replace the experience and times you did have, but your best is your best, and in marriage, it's about acceptance. I'm learning this now through therapy, and perhaps you know this, too, and perhaps I am waxing on with stuff that you don't want to/need to hear. But...

Are you doing the best for YOU? Because right now, that's what matters. You being the best for you. It's a hard thing. I'm still trying to be the best for myself. I'm not sure I know how, but I try every minute, every hour, every day. It's all I can do.

xoxo

PS - I still want a day to watch Doctor Who with you, just because. :)

[alizarin_nyc]

Believe me, I want/need to hear everything. I'm open to a full analyzation, total crying jags, grief, anger, introspection.

Acceptance. I think for years I accepted that he was a chef, that he'd work nights and weekends, that he was dedicated to his job. I started to lose it when I realized that there was nothing left for me, for the marriage. Nothing. And he wasn't willing to put any effort to rekindling it on his days off. Wasn't willing to invite me out late night to hang with him and his friends at the bar. Took every opportunity to involve himself in any drama as long as it meant he didn't have to focus on me.

I am trying to be the best for myself. I am trying not to get hung up on the little things that make me feel like less than a person. It's hard. My default setting is self-loathing. But I don't want that anymore, and won't live like this, so I guess that's a step in the right direction.

PS - I'll come up to you to watch DW anytime, man!

[chelseapeal]

We will plan a date. You and me, baby!

And I know. I know this so hard. But what I loved reading was "I don't want that anymore" in regards to self-loathing. I am so glad that you said you WON'T live like this. Because it really is a step in the right direction. Yeah!