Delinquent [18/24]
Delinquent [18/24] by all_tattooed
Frank/Gerard [NC-17 - language, violence, crime, mentions of drugs & alcohol, sex ...etc.]
RPS. Don't know. Don't own. No harm intended.
~5906 words.
Summary: When Frank goes to Juvy, his counselor reforms him in a questionable manner.
Thanks to skelterellax for beta'ing. xo
Con-Crit welcome. Comments are nice.
A/N: Carries on from Chapter 17 rather than Interlude.
***
Gerard settled with his first and only thought that came to mind, his gaze not tearing away from the ceiling and his voice harsh yet soft. “Just go, Frank.”
Chapter 18
Frank never broke the gaze he had held on his lap. Gerard’s words were so clear. What he wanted right then was for Frank to simply leave. Frank was in the perfect position to say ‘No’, to ignore the older man’s request and force him to help solve the problem. After all, it was his job, but he didn’t want to do that, he didn’t want to take advantage of their relationship, or he thought, seemingly lack of. He just got up from his chair and walked away. It wasn’t hard, it wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do. Frank needed to clear his head and he knew Gerard needed to do the same.
He made his way through the empty corridor, eyes fixed on the tiled floor under his feet, hands fisted in his pockets and his bottom lip turning white as he bit down hard. He had been expecting Gerard to be mad, disappointed and not afraid to say so. What he wasn’t expecting was to be insulted. Being called a child he could deal with, but being called a child by the only person who has ever treated him as an adult he couldn’t. His thoughts and emotions were a mess, much like the situation he was now in and he didn’t know how to make this better, and even if he did, he wasn’t sure if Gerard would accept it.
He pushed the swinging doors open with a shoulder, then jumping a little at the faint echo of screaming coming from the corridor he had just left. He knew it was Gerard; venting, it should have made him smile to know that the older man was just as messed up by all of this as he was, because it meant he cared. But it didn’t, he only lowered his head once more. After all, it was his fault Gerard was incensed and that didn’t make him feel good at all.
Frank was sure it wasn’t worth thinking about, not that he was unconcerned, it just wasn’t as if there was anything he could do now. Trying to analyze things was only going to result in his mood becoming worse. He was pretty sure (maybe not, de didn’t know) what had happened over the weekend was going to remain as just what happened on the weekend. He doubted Gerard needed, or even wanted, any kind of a relationship with a ‘child’. As much as Frank didn’t want things to be over, he wasn’t entirely sure anything had even started in the first place.
He remembered Saturday night, which for some reason felt like a lifetime ago. Gerard had promised him he wasn’t going anywhere and even given Frank the option as to whether or not that was what he wanted as well, of course that was what Frank had wanted and now he felt like he’d simply thrown it all away. He wondered if Gerard really meant that, he wondered how deep the man’s feelings for him really went. He didn’t like the chances, but Frank hoped like hell the two of them could get through this, even if they never slept with each other again, he just wanted Gerard’s help, he wanted to stop dealing with problems the way he did. He wanted a conscience. He wanted to feel bad for what he did to Nick.
The pang of worry he was expecting to get for not waiting for Mark to escort him to class never came; he didn’t care about anything, other than Gerard. The gray walls of the center seemed to match his thoughts, everything just blended in, creating a dreary and depressing tone. He was stuck on feeling nothing, just miserable. He wasn’t even sure if he was still walking, instead he felt like he had just fallen down somewhere, wishing he had the energy to move. Maybe he left pieces of himself in Gerard’s office, in hopes that the older man would fix him while he was gone.
When Frank finally arrived at his scheduled class, he could feel his limbs again as he walked through the door. He never looked at his teacher, but he could feel the man’s eyes on him as his tedious attitude allowed him to move noticeably slowly to his desk. Jeph was in the room somewhere. Where? Frank had no clue, his eyes never left his fingertips as he absent-mindedly picked at his nail polish the entire lesson, except when Mark came in searching for him.
The guard had knocked before the teacher called for him to come in, Frank didn’t look up until he heard Mark’s voice, the older man asking him if he could have a word outside for a moment.
“Frank…” Mark looked down at him, the teen still off somewhere in the distance. Mark stayed silent for a moment, just watching Frank fail to acknowledge himself let alone anyone else. It wasn’t like Mark to really give a shit about the things the boys in the center went through, but at that moment Frank seemed so fragile, something in him was shattered.
“Frank…” Mark repeated, nudging the boys shoulder. He bent down a little in attempt to see Frank’s hidden face. “…hey, are you okay?”
Frank took a deep breath. He didn’t want to speak. He wasn’t even sure that he had a voice right then, but Mark seemed genuinely worried and Frank had just walked out of Gerard’s office. He didn’t want to get himself in any more kind of trouble, whatever that could be, so he had to answer.
He looked up slowly, brushing his fringe out of his face. “I’m fine.” He nearly whispered, before looking back down.
Mark sighed. “You don’t look fine. Mr. Way told me you had a bit of a tough time in your session. You wanna tell me what happened?”
Frank shook his head. He was grateful that Mark was showing some kind of concern, but this wasn’t something he could talk about. Even if he could, he had no idea what he’d say.
“Okay…” Mark sighed again, rubbing a hand stressfully over his forehead. “…he said he told you to leave. I’m sorry Frank, but if I found out you’ve done or said something inappropriate I have to tell Mr. McKay.”
Frank huffed softly to himself before he spoke, not even realizing what he was saying until after he had said it. “He didn’t tell me to leave, I just walked out. It’s my fault, not Gerard’s.”
Mark looked at him curiously, but never felt the need to press the matter. If there was a problem and he didn’t know about it, then he didn’t have to worry about telling his boss anything, which a part of him was glad for, because looking at Frank now, Mark could tell the boy was sorry, even though he didn’t know what he was sorry for. The fact was, Frank was feeling something other than anger, and Mark was glad to see that.
“Alright kiddo. I’m just glad you didn’t run off, I’m not very good at catching people.” Mark smiled, causing Frank to smile a little because he knew that was what Mark wanted.
“Thanks Mark.” Frank said, softly. Mark just nodded and Frank walked back into the classroom with a sense of respect for the man.
***
When lunch arrived, Frank was sitting outside with his friends, Mark standing not too far away from them, keeping a watchful eye. He hadn’t spoken, other than a simple ‘hello’ to each of them and just continued to hold half of a sandwich in his hand. The thought alone of eating was making his stomach twist in knots. He wasn’t hungry, his insides were already filling him by gnawing on his nerves.
“Frank…” Jeph eventually piped up, jutting his chin forward and squinting. “…why so quiet, dude?”
Frank’s gaze flicked over his friend and he just shrugged. Jeph wasn’t an idiot, he was in fact far from it. Frank knew he would work out something happened. Even if he were acting like his usual self, Frank was sure Jeph would still be able to tell if something was up. Most of the time he liked that Jeph could do that. He preferred to be asked instead of just stating he had a problem. But right now he hated it. He wished Jeph was oblivious that anything was wrong, or if not oblivious then ignorant would be fine. At least that would mean he didn’t care and then Frank wouldn’t have to feel so bad about lying.
“I don’t believe you.” Jeph said plainly. He bit into his own sandwich, chewing it a bit before adding, “You look like shit man.”
By now, all attention was adverted to Frank. Bob and Pete had paused in whatever mindless chatter they were engulfed in, and stared at Frank so intently it was as if they were waiting for him to just explode, or something equally as strange and exciting. Frank looked up at them all, his eyes flicking back and forth from each of them. He just couldn’t find it in himself to break free from the melancholic tone he possessed, he felt useless and probably because he was.
“I don’t care if you don’t believe me.” He shrugged again, his eyes fixing on Jeph’s before he looked back at his knees.
He wasn’t going to get over this, at least not until he saw Gerard again, but still, he didn’t care. He wasn’t going to try and make himself feel better. He didn’t think he deserved to feel better. He was just going to marinade in his own pity for a while because for some reason that actually felt like the best thing to do. He needed to feel like shit, it let him know just how much he like, Gerard.
Jeph just continued to stare at his friend for a while, seemingly thinking to himself as Pete announced, “Mr. Way asked me this morning if I would go out somewhere on the weekend with him.”
Bob looked incredulously at him while Frank’s heart fell to his stomach and Jeph still didn’t take his eyes off him, and he knew. Jeph could see it clear as day and as much as it was unexpected, he accepted it straight away because that’s what Frank would have wanted, whether he said it or not.
“Are you serious man?” Bob asked, eyes wide and brow furrowed. “Where the fuck would he be taking you?”
Pete shrugged. “I don’t know. It was weird actually. It was the first time he ever really acted like a counselor. I said I’d go. Beats this place.”
Bob nodded, but mostly to himself. “Yeah… God, I wish I could get out of here.” Pete just nodded back.
The rest of the conversations over lunch were nothing with substance, nothing that Frank particularly wanted to listen in on. He didn’t even know if he was shocked that Gerard had told Pete he wanted to take him out somewhere. He didn’t know because he was too busy being consumed by how let down he felt. Suddenly he came to the conclusion that Gerard had promised he wasn’t going anywhere when he did, just to make Frank feel better.
He remembered how shocked Gerard was when Frank asked him later on that evening if he had only taking him away from the weekend in hopes that they’d fuck. Gerard said ‘no’, of course, and Frank believed him because that’s what he wanted to believe. Now, he couldn’t doubt the man more, although at the same time a part of him was screaming out that he was being stupid, that he shouldn’t worry because Gerard wouldn’t do that. He knew how much he was risking with Frank, and Frank didn’t think he was foolish enough to do the same thing with someone else, especially Pete.
Still, he could never be too sure. He seemed to be learning more and more about Gerard with each passing day and he was sure Gerard hardly knew a thing about him.
***
The day went on slowly and more so than ignoring his surroundings, Frank ignored himself. He was struggling at not to give into his thoughts, his mind racing a mile a minute. He was just blank, numb and wondering why the fuck he allowed himself to get in such a state. He felt naïve to think that having a relationship with his counselor would not provoke any kind of implications. He should have thought ahead, thought about where it was really going to get him. Would anything come of it? Apparently so: nausea and aching bones. He couldn’t regret not thinking before acting, it wasn’t as if contemplating an idea was something Frank had done often. Everything he ever did was on impulse, claiming something into his possession as his as soon as he wanted it. Even if Gerard hadn’t claimed Frank, it didn’t mean Frank couldn’t have the older man to himself in every possible way, or at least believe that was what he had.
By the time lockdown rolled around, Frank had forgotten what his own voice sounded like. He had stayed quiet for so long that the only thing he had left to remind him that he still existed was his stray thoughts, and every time he would think of something, he was watching his feet. It was like his mind was trapped in his shoes and he was dragging his words around. Being in the shower had helped a little bit, if help included the hot water camouflaging the tears he finally let roll down his face. The water heated his skin, leaving him red and flushed as he hid from a state of anxiety, but when he had finally gotten back to his room, he knew Jeph would doubt his eyes were puffy just because he stood under the shower for so long.
As he lay on his bed, eyes pressed closed and hands resting flat under his head, Frank wondered of the last time he had managed to hold back his emotions when something didn’t go his way. The answer was far away, it was probably years. He didn’t know when it was exactly that his brain formed a glitch, he considered it developed over time, or maybe it had always been there? He wouldn’t have known. Trying to pick himself apart mentally to find what had gone wrong was a task failed before he could even get started. Frank lacked concentration and the ability to understand himself, and then thought that that was probably why whenever something fucked up he lashed out, because he had control over himself physically. It wasn’t like he couldn’t work out how to throw a punch, kick holes in his bedroom door or smash his father’s scotch bottles against the kitchen wall. It had all been out of frustration, but this time he was so much frustrated as he was crushed, like his bones had been crunched and he couldn’t fix the problem like he usually would because he simply couldn’t move.
Jeph eventually broke through his scattered thoughts. “You should talk to him, Frank.”
Frank didn’t say anything, instead he shifted on his bed, making soft ruffling noises at which Jeph then said, “And don’t pretend you’re asleep.”
Frank stirred on top of his covers again, fidgeting a bit until he eventually lay still on his back and stared at the underside of his roommate’s mattress. He wasn’t actually trying to avoid Jeph’s question, he was just trying to come up with some sort of response. Frank was well aware that there was just no point in acting as if he had no clue what or whom his friend was talking about. He could tell Jeph had somewhat of an idea that something more than counsel sessions was going on between himself and Gerard and if Frank had to be quite honest right then, he was pretty relived Jeph did say something. He needed to talk about it. If not about all of it then he at least needed to say something.
He took a deep breath and spoke softly. “I don’t know what I’d say.”
They were both silent again, but Frank would have sworn that he could hear the cogs turning his Jeph’s head and he had a feeling that he already knew exactly what Jeph was going to say.
“Maybe you should say that you’re sorry?” Jeph said, his tone gentle as if he knew he was treading on eggshells, but Frank wasn’t surprised by his suggestion.
“I already did. I guess that wasn’t enough.”
At once, Jeph was climbing down the wooden steps at the end of the bunk and crawling onto Frank’s bed, squishing himself next to his friend to lie down. Frank glanced up at him and smiled as a ‘Thanks’ and Jeph just rubbed his shoulder reassuringly before speaking again.
“You wanna talk about it?”
Frank seriously considered the question. Jeph was more than willing to listen to him, which was evident in his patience as he waited for Frank to answer. Frank wanted to talk about it, he had to talk about it. He had spent so long cooped up in his own thoughts that he was rather shocked he hadn’t exploded yet, he then thought that if he was to relay everything to Jeph it may help him figure out exactly what the fuck was going on. Even though he and Gerard had a verbal agreement to not say anything to anyone, Frank considered Jeph and exception because he wasn’t just anyone.
He looked at his friend again and smiled weakly. “Yeah …I do.”
Jeph smiled back then looked between Frank and their empty bedroom. “Well I’ve got all night, dude. I ain’t going anywhere.”
“Thanks.” Frank laughed a little, before taking in another deep breath as he rubbed at his face. “We had a fight, I guess.”
Jeph nodded. “Okay. So, like a…” He began making hand actions. “…counselor, patient fight or a ‘we kinda have a relationship’ fight?”
“The latter.”
“Hmm.”
Frank started to look a little worried. He wanted to tell Jeph pretty much everything, but once again, he didn’t think ahead. He never considered what his friend’s reaction would be. Especially since, not only was he going to be admitting to some sort of a relationship with his counselor, he was admitting to a relationship with another man. As far as Jeph was concerned, -and even Frank had been for that matter- Frank had never been into guys, other than being addicted to the articles ‘Seventeen’ published, he never really sent out any homosexual tendencies, so it made it a lot harder to guess what Jeph would both say and think.
“You’re not mad are you?” Frank then asked, just to get it out there. If Jeph was annoyed, he wanted to know straight away. He really didn’t think he could handle both Gerard and Jeph being shitty with him.
Jeph scoffed and Frank was instantly relieved. “No!” He spat, kindly. “Why would I be mad? Idiot.”
“I don’t know. ‘Cause I didn’t tell you sooner?”
Jeph squinted at him, seemingly trying to piece the few pieces of the puzzle he already had together. “Well, you only just went away last weekend, so unless you two like…” He paused, searching for the right words. “…done, some…ah, things or whatever, like weeks ago in his office, I guess there wasn’t really anything to tell me up until now. Right?”
Frank was slightly confused, his mouth hanging open a little and he tried to make sense of his friend, nodding with understanding when he finally did. “I guess.”
“So …tell me then. I want to know now.” Jeph urged, nudging Frank’s arm. “I mean, well …it’s pretty unexpected, but whatever dude. It’s good …kinda.”
Frank pulled a face at him.
“It is.” Jeph shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s good that you like him. He likes you.”
Frank’s already contorted face became exceedingly worse. “How would you know?”
“When I went and saw him today, he asked about you. Then I said something to him-”
“What! What did you say?”
Jeph shrugged again, casually. “I don’t remember. I just mentioned how quiet you were at lunch or something, so he started pretending like it had nothing to with him, but Frank…” He looked at his friend with a somewhat smug expression. “…he was so worried. I don’t know if it was because he thought I might have known something, or if it was because I said you were upset or whatever, but just the way he tried not to look at me when I was speaking, it was as if it was just killing him.”
Frank’s eyes were wide and still, his body frozen in place on the bed. He couldn’t believe Jeph had spoken to Gerard about him, he couldn’t believe he almost fucking knew what Gerard was thinking. Jeph is insane, Frank thought. There was no possible way that he could tell that much just by looking at someone, but apparently he could and Frank thought that was because Jeph had always paid very close attention to detail. He was almost certain Jeph was a genius, which would explain his mild lunacy.
“I can’t believe you talked about me.” Frank finally said.
“Well, I did, so shush. Now, spill. You still haven’t told me how all this shit started.”
“Oh god.” Frank buried his face in his hands and sat up a little in his bed, glancing at the picture from Gerard on his wall before starting what he knew what was the beginning of a long story…
“So…it kinda started with Pete. Gerard asked me if I wanted to go away with him for the weekend and I had said yes. It was nothing over the top, but I spose we kinda, not reallyish flirted in session and stuff. I had thought about it, like what it meant, but I didn’t know so I just left it. Anyway, when Pete said that Gerard had told him to take his shirt off and shit, which…” He paused and looked down at Jeph who was listening intently, but now had a slight smirk on his face.
“…don’t fucking laugh, because I know it was lame and stupid, but I couldn’t help but be upset, angry, pissed off, whatever…that made me feel like the way he acted with me was the way he acted with everyone and…that was, like …ugh!” He threw his hands in the air, not sure of how to place his next words without sounding like a total fucking girl.
It was hard to say these kinds of things, explain to his friend what had gone on because even Frank hadn’t thought about everything that had actually gone on. He only thought about the bad things, the things that were maybe happening, the way he felt and what it meant. He never actually relayed the whole situation out to himself and maybe that was why it was so hard to tell Jeph all about it, because he hardly even knew the whole story correctly himself.
Jeph stayed silent though and waited for Frank to continue. Once Frank had ran a hand through his hair and shifted on the bed a bit more, taking his time to come up with the right things to say that would explain exactly what he meant without having to go over it a gazillion times. He softly laughed to himself before saying it as simply as possible.
“…that was when I realized that I liked him.” He smiled to himself, thinking hard about it before adding, “Like, really fucking liked him.”
The two were silent again for a moment. Frank staring at his hands and Jeph looking off into the short distance before he asked, “What was it about him?” Sounding genuinely interested.
Frank shrugged, mostly to himself because that was yet another thing he hadn’t bothered to think about. “I don’t know…everything?” He laughed a little. “I didn’t really like him at first. He pissed me off. I mean, he wasn’t as bad as Bob had made him out to be, but he was still a dickhead. I guess, after a bit we just started talking, annoying each other and it also didn’t help when he would just sit there being so fucking hot that I could sometimes feel myself twitch.”
“Frank!” Jeph pushed him and Frank just laughed.
“Sorry, but you wanted to know. Anyway, I don’t know what it was exactly, he was just-”
Jeph raised a hand, indicating for him to stop talking. Frank looked down at him, brow furrowed and a little confused at which point Jeph simply said, “That is exactly why, Frank.”
Frank was still confused. “What is?”
“Well, because you don’t actually know what it was that made you turn into a woman-”
“-Hey!” Frank interjected, insulted.
“Shut up. You have a vagina. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, because you don’t know why you like him, you just fucking do, then that’s a reason in itself and to be honest, I think, that that is the best reason to have.” Jeph concluded with a wide, toothy grin.
Frank took a moment to think about it and when he finally worked out what his friend meant, he was so jealous that he couldn’t think of things like that that he almost wanted to punch Jeph for having that ability. “Since when did you turn into a fucking love doctor?”
Jeph laughed, before turning away from Frank looking suspicious as he mumbled, “Since I may have read some of those girly magazines you collect.”
Frank just laughed, shoving Jeph a little. “Well I’m glad, because I would have never thought of it like that.”
“What can I say, man? Being in here does things to you.”
Frank raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, I think I know.”
“Okay. So continue, Frank, if you will.” Jeph then asked.
“Oh yeah…so I really didn’t want to mention anything about Pete to him. I thought it was childish, and really, it wasn’t any of my business. Then, when we stopped for breakfast, I overheard him say ‘I love you’ to someone on the phone and I went all ‘I’m going to be sick again’. We ended up having a fight…” He paused, laughing a little as he remembered how much he had over-reacted. “…like, right there in the middle of the fucking parking lot in front of all these people. I didn’t even care at the time. I ended up telling him that I knew what happened with Pete and he asked why I was so upset, and then …I just, said it, I guess. I just screamed at him and told him I liked him then I stormed off. Next thing I knew, he had a hold of my face and was kissing me.” He took a breath, nodding and trying not to look at Jeph, who just let out a breathy, ‘Wow’.
“I know right?”
“Did you freak out at all?”
Frank scoffed. “No. I fucking kissed him back.”
“This is so awesome.” Jeph said excitedly, anyone listening would’ve thought he was having his eighth birthday party.
“It was ...it’s not right now though.” Frank corrected, bringing himself back to the situation at hand. “I ended up jacking him off in the car.” He then said, like it was no big deal, which it wasn’t really but he knew his roommate would go wide-eyed about it.
“What!” Jeph shrieked at once.
“Yeah. It was crazy, I just did it though.”
Jeph sighed, letting his head fall back heavily on Frank’s pillow. “God…” He sighed. “I wish I could do that.”
“Huh? Jack Gerard off?” Frank asked, utterly confused.
“No. I mean, just do shit ‘cause if, like ...just for no reason. Stuff like that.”
“I still don’t get what you mean, dude. Are you saying you’d like to do shit with a guy?”
Jeph got a little stressed. “No. Like, it’s just you-”
Frank cut him off with a sigh “-We’ve been friends way too long for, you know-”
“-You’re kidding right? I did not mean you as in, fuck around with you.”
Frank looked at his lap as he let out a small, but definitely not disappointed, ‘Oh’.
Jeph continued. “I meant do stuff like that as in, you’re just so, impulsive. What we did with the cars was different, that was planned y’know? All that shit we did, it was always thought about before we actually did it. But you, you just do random shit, things that people don’t expect…” He paused for a moment and looked at Frank, who was now looking down at him and he cocked an eyebrow, “…sometimes I think even you don’t expect it.”
“I can’t believe we haven’t talked about this kinda shit before. Do you really think I’m like that?” Frank asked. He had always known that Jeph was a lot smarter than he would ever let on, but he didn’t think there was a chance that his friend knew more about him than he knew about himself.
“Of course I do!” Jeph exclaimed, sitting up on the bed to help get his point across. “And Mr. Wa-, I mean, Gerard, is a prime example. If I told you a couple years ago that you were going to have a relationship with another guy, you would’ve told me I needed to see a doctor, but here you are, doing exactly that.”
Frank agreed straight away. Jeph was right, he wouldn’t have believed it at all, he can hardly even believe it now. “Okay, so I’m impulsive. What else am I?” He smiled and Jeph just laughed.
“You’re a lot of things, Frank, but it’s not all bad, you know?”
Frank shrugged. He wouldn’t have doubted it. “What’s good then?”
Jeph took a moment, rubbing at his temples and letting out a deep breath before answering. “Maybe you should ask Gerard that?”
Frank just groaned for lack of a better response. “Your logic is killing me dude, I’m so confused.”
“Just tell me the rest of your tragic love story.” Jeph smiled, ruffling his friend’s hair.
“Okay…” He paused, trying to recall where it was he was up to. “…Oh, right. Yeah, so he ended up taking me to visit his brother…” Frank stopped again, his eyes growing wide and he quickly shifted on the bed to face Jeph completely. “…Holy shit! I can’t believe I didn’t tell you this. His brother’s in prison, because like, they used to fucking steal cars, pretty much like we did. I couldn’t believe it. Mikey’s fucking awesome by the way.”
“Mikey?”
“Oh, that’s Gerard’s brother.”
“Shit so, they’re…just fucking crazy then I guess?” Jeph kind of shrugged. He was shocked, but it wasn’t really worth freaking out over.
“Yeah. I don’t know why or anything, I never bothered asking. There might not even be a reason. Anyway. So, that was Saturday. Saturday night we went to dinner, it was embarrassing actually…” He laughed. “…Gerard said something totally inappropriate, like about me and him fucking or whatever-”
“-You’ve already fucked him! Whoa. This is a little more full on than I thought.”
Frank remained silent, maybe wishing he could just take that part back, so he asked, “Is that bad?”
Jeph just shrugged. “I don’t know. Is it?”
“I hope not. I don’t think it it. I’d actually recommend it.” Frank smiled.
“Ugh. Stop.”
Frank laughed before continuing, “Now I don’t remember what I was talking about. Oh, yeah and he’s got some ex boyfriend that’s a complete douche, but I don’t even wanna get into that. We got pulled over by the cops on the way home and I thought I was going to just die right there in the car seat-”
“-Why? Did you have his in dick in your hand again?” Jeph snickered.
“Fuck you.” Frank suggested playfully. “Asshole, and no I did not. It was just scary, reminded us both that what happened really happened and that we need to be careful ‘cause he could get in a lot of shit.”
“So…does that mean you two are like, actually together or something?” Jeph asked, then quietly adding, “’Cause that would be weird.”
“I doubt it. Especially after today. He was so fucking pissed at me about Nick.” Frank shook his head gently.
“No, he wasn’t…” Jeph started, apparently the beginning of another insightful speech. “…it would’ve been because you put him in a shitty situation. He obviously didn’t know how to approach you about it. I mean, it would be different with me ‘cause we haven’t slept together, but with you, he probably didn’t know if he should act like your counselor or your friend, or …more than your friend.”
Right then Frank considered that Jeph had just ripped a piece of his astuteness out and handed it to him. It wasn’t until Jeph said that that Frank had reasoned he may be looking at this from the wrong angle. He knew Gerard would be pissed off with him for what he and his friends had done, but he never thought about the way he would be angry. He hadn’t forgotten that he told Gerard their counsel sessions would always be about them now, but that was from his point of view; he couldn’t see Gerard as just his counselor anymore, but the way Gerard saw him didn’t even come to mind.
Although Jeph didn’t have all the details as to what was going on, he still had a fair idea and Frank knew that that was enough. It wasn’t like Frank to become troubled over something that really didn’t mean that much to him, so whether he actually said the words or not, he knew Jeph was aware of how serious this was to him. Talking about it was making him feel a lot better, especially since Jeph wasn’t just sitting there and nodding his head. Frank knew he could tell Jeph anything, this was something to be a little cautious about, but he was so glad he decided to just talk about it anyway.
“I never even thought of that.” Frank then said, his voice low as he was still half-thinking about it.
“But it makes sense, right? I mean, I don’t know what exactly you both said to one another, but I think that maybe he’s just like, worried or even panicked. I don’t know.”
Frank nodded, glancing at Jeph again. It was then that he realized that he needed to be more concerned about how Gerard was coping with all of this, after all, he was the one taking the risks, he was the one trying to be two people at once and he was the one who had finally made Frank recognize that the kind of life he lead outside of Juvy was not one he wanted to keep. He needed Gerard and more than that, he now appreciated him. It may have seemed like only a small revelation, but to Frank, it felt huge. He was going to fix this because he knew things could be better and Gerard was that ‘better’ and that was what Frank needed.
Chapter 19
Frank/Gerard [NC-17 - language, violence, crime, mentions of drugs & alcohol, sex ...etc.]
RPS. Don't know. Don't own. No harm intended.
~5906 words.
Summary: When Frank goes to Juvy, his counselor reforms him in a questionable manner.
Thanks to skelterellax for beta'ing. xo
Con-Crit welcome. Comments are nice.
A/N: Carries on from Chapter 17 rather than Interlude.
***
Gerard settled with his first and only thought that came to mind, his gaze not tearing away from the ceiling and his voice harsh yet soft. “Just go, Frank.”
Chapter 18
Frank never broke the gaze he had held on his lap. Gerard’s words were so clear. What he wanted right then was for Frank to simply leave. Frank was in the perfect position to say ‘No’, to ignore the older man’s request and force him to help solve the problem. After all, it was his job, but he didn’t want to do that, he didn’t want to take advantage of their relationship, or he thought, seemingly lack of. He just got up from his chair and walked away. It wasn’t hard, it wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do. Frank needed to clear his head and he knew Gerard needed to do the same.
He made his way through the empty corridor, eyes fixed on the tiled floor under his feet, hands fisted in his pockets and his bottom lip turning white as he bit down hard. He had been expecting Gerard to be mad, disappointed and not afraid to say so. What he wasn’t expecting was to be insulted. Being called a child he could deal with, but being called a child by the only person who has ever treated him as an adult he couldn’t. His thoughts and emotions were a mess, much like the situation he was now in and he didn’t know how to make this better, and even if he did, he wasn’t sure if Gerard would accept it.
He pushed the swinging doors open with a shoulder, then jumping a little at the faint echo of screaming coming from the corridor he had just left. He knew it was Gerard; venting, it should have made him smile to know that the older man was just as messed up by all of this as he was, because it meant he cared. But it didn’t, he only lowered his head once more. After all, it was his fault Gerard was incensed and that didn’t make him feel good at all.
Frank was sure it wasn’t worth thinking about, not that he was unconcerned, it just wasn’t as if there was anything he could do now. Trying to analyze things was only going to result in his mood becoming worse. He was pretty sure (maybe not, de didn’t know) what had happened over the weekend was going to remain as just what happened on the weekend. He doubted Gerard needed, or even wanted, any kind of a relationship with a ‘child’. As much as Frank didn’t want things to be over, he wasn’t entirely sure anything had even started in the first place.
He remembered Saturday night, which for some reason felt like a lifetime ago. Gerard had promised him he wasn’t going anywhere and even given Frank the option as to whether or not that was what he wanted as well, of course that was what Frank had wanted and now he felt like he’d simply thrown it all away. He wondered if Gerard really meant that, he wondered how deep the man’s feelings for him really went. He didn’t like the chances, but Frank hoped like hell the two of them could get through this, even if they never slept with each other again, he just wanted Gerard’s help, he wanted to stop dealing with problems the way he did. He wanted a conscience. He wanted to feel bad for what he did to Nick.
The pang of worry he was expecting to get for not waiting for Mark to escort him to class never came; he didn’t care about anything, other than Gerard. The gray walls of the center seemed to match his thoughts, everything just blended in, creating a dreary and depressing tone. He was stuck on feeling nothing, just miserable. He wasn’t even sure if he was still walking, instead he felt like he had just fallen down somewhere, wishing he had the energy to move. Maybe he left pieces of himself in Gerard’s office, in hopes that the older man would fix him while he was gone.
When Frank finally arrived at his scheduled class, he could feel his limbs again as he walked through the door. He never looked at his teacher, but he could feel the man’s eyes on him as his tedious attitude allowed him to move noticeably slowly to his desk. Jeph was in the room somewhere. Where? Frank had no clue, his eyes never left his fingertips as he absent-mindedly picked at his nail polish the entire lesson, except when Mark came in searching for him.
The guard had knocked before the teacher called for him to come in, Frank didn’t look up until he heard Mark’s voice, the older man asking him if he could have a word outside for a moment.
“Frank…” Mark looked down at him, the teen still off somewhere in the distance. Mark stayed silent for a moment, just watching Frank fail to acknowledge himself let alone anyone else. It wasn’t like Mark to really give a shit about the things the boys in the center went through, but at that moment Frank seemed so fragile, something in him was shattered.
“Frank…” Mark repeated, nudging the boys shoulder. He bent down a little in attempt to see Frank’s hidden face. “…hey, are you okay?”
Frank took a deep breath. He didn’t want to speak. He wasn’t even sure that he had a voice right then, but Mark seemed genuinely worried and Frank had just walked out of Gerard’s office. He didn’t want to get himself in any more kind of trouble, whatever that could be, so he had to answer.
He looked up slowly, brushing his fringe out of his face. “I’m fine.” He nearly whispered, before looking back down.
Mark sighed. “You don’t look fine. Mr. Way told me you had a bit of a tough time in your session. You wanna tell me what happened?”
Frank shook his head. He was grateful that Mark was showing some kind of concern, but this wasn’t something he could talk about. Even if he could, he had no idea what he’d say.
“Okay…” Mark sighed again, rubbing a hand stressfully over his forehead. “…he said he told you to leave. I’m sorry Frank, but if I found out you’ve done or said something inappropriate I have to tell Mr. McKay.”
Frank huffed softly to himself before he spoke, not even realizing what he was saying until after he had said it. “He didn’t tell me to leave, I just walked out. It’s my fault, not Gerard’s.”
Mark looked at him curiously, but never felt the need to press the matter. If there was a problem and he didn’t know about it, then he didn’t have to worry about telling his boss anything, which a part of him was glad for, because looking at Frank now, Mark could tell the boy was sorry, even though he didn’t know what he was sorry for. The fact was, Frank was feeling something other than anger, and Mark was glad to see that.
“Alright kiddo. I’m just glad you didn’t run off, I’m not very good at catching people.” Mark smiled, causing Frank to smile a little because he knew that was what Mark wanted.
“Thanks Mark.” Frank said, softly. Mark just nodded and Frank walked back into the classroom with a sense of respect for the man.
***
When lunch arrived, Frank was sitting outside with his friends, Mark standing not too far away from them, keeping a watchful eye. He hadn’t spoken, other than a simple ‘hello’ to each of them and just continued to hold half of a sandwich in his hand. The thought alone of eating was making his stomach twist in knots. He wasn’t hungry, his insides were already filling him by gnawing on his nerves.
“Frank…” Jeph eventually piped up, jutting his chin forward and squinting. “…why so quiet, dude?”
Frank’s gaze flicked over his friend and he just shrugged. Jeph wasn’t an idiot, he was in fact far from it. Frank knew he would work out something happened. Even if he were acting like his usual self, Frank was sure Jeph would still be able to tell if something was up. Most of the time he liked that Jeph could do that. He preferred to be asked instead of just stating he had a problem. But right now he hated it. He wished Jeph was oblivious that anything was wrong, or if not oblivious then ignorant would be fine. At least that would mean he didn’t care and then Frank wouldn’t have to feel so bad about lying.
“I don’t believe you.” Jeph said plainly. He bit into his own sandwich, chewing it a bit before adding, “You look like shit man.”
By now, all attention was adverted to Frank. Bob and Pete had paused in whatever mindless chatter they were engulfed in, and stared at Frank so intently it was as if they were waiting for him to just explode, or something equally as strange and exciting. Frank looked up at them all, his eyes flicking back and forth from each of them. He just couldn’t find it in himself to break free from the melancholic tone he possessed, he felt useless and probably because he was.
“I don’t care if you don’t believe me.” He shrugged again, his eyes fixing on Jeph’s before he looked back at his knees.
He wasn’t going to get over this, at least not until he saw Gerard again, but still, he didn’t care. He wasn’t going to try and make himself feel better. He didn’t think he deserved to feel better. He was just going to marinade in his own pity for a while because for some reason that actually felt like the best thing to do. He needed to feel like shit, it let him know just how much he like, Gerard.
Jeph just continued to stare at his friend for a while, seemingly thinking to himself as Pete announced, “Mr. Way asked me this morning if I would go out somewhere on the weekend with him.”
Bob looked incredulously at him while Frank’s heart fell to his stomach and Jeph still didn’t take his eyes off him, and he knew. Jeph could see it clear as day and as much as it was unexpected, he accepted it straight away because that’s what Frank would have wanted, whether he said it or not.
“Are you serious man?” Bob asked, eyes wide and brow furrowed. “Where the fuck would he be taking you?”
Pete shrugged. “I don’t know. It was weird actually. It was the first time he ever really acted like a counselor. I said I’d go. Beats this place.”
Bob nodded, but mostly to himself. “Yeah… God, I wish I could get out of here.” Pete just nodded back.
The rest of the conversations over lunch were nothing with substance, nothing that Frank particularly wanted to listen in on. He didn’t even know if he was shocked that Gerard had told Pete he wanted to take him out somewhere. He didn’t know because he was too busy being consumed by how let down he felt. Suddenly he came to the conclusion that Gerard had promised he wasn’t going anywhere when he did, just to make Frank feel better.
He remembered how shocked Gerard was when Frank asked him later on that evening if he had only taking him away from the weekend in hopes that they’d fuck. Gerard said ‘no’, of course, and Frank believed him because that’s what he wanted to believe. Now, he couldn’t doubt the man more, although at the same time a part of him was screaming out that he was being stupid, that he shouldn’t worry because Gerard wouldn’t do that. He knew how much he was risking with Frank, and Frank didn’t think he was foolish enough to do the same thing with someone else, especially Pete.
Still, he could never be too sure. He seemed to be learning more and more about Gerard with each passing day and he was sure Gerard hardly knew a thing about him.
***
The day went on slowly and more so than ignoring his surroundings, Frank ignored himself. He was struggling at not to give into his thoughts, his mind racing a mile a minute. He was just blank, numb and wondering why the fuck he allowed himself to get in such a state. He felt naïve to think that having a relationship with his counselor would not provoke any kind of implications. He should have thought ahead, thought about where it was really going to get him. Would anything come of it? Apparently so: nausea and aching bones. He couldn’t regret not thinking before acting, it wasn’t as if contemplating an idea was something Frank had done often. Everything he ever did was on impulse, claiming something into his possession as his as soon as he wanted it. Even if Gerard hadn’t claimed Frank, it didn’t mean Frank couldn’t have the older man to himself in every possible way, or at least believe that was what he had.
By the time lockdown rolled around, Frank had forgotten what his own voice sounded like. He had stayed quiet for so long that the only thing he had left to remind him that he still existed was his stray thoughts, and every time he would think of something, he was watching his feet. It was like his mind was trapped in his shoes and he was dragging his words around. Being in the shower had helped a little bit, if help included the hot water camouflaging the tears he finally let roll down his face. The water heated his skin, leaving him red and flushed as he hid from a state of anxiety, but when he had finally gotten back to his room, he knew Jeph would doubt his eyes were puffy just because he stood under the shower for so long.
As he lay on his bed, eyes pressed closed and hands resting flat under his head, Frank wondered of the last time he had managed to hold back his emotions when something didn’t go his way. The answer was far away, it was probably years. He didn’t know when it was exactly that his brain formed a glitch, he considered it developed over time, or maybe it had always been there? He wouldn’t have known. Trying to pick himself apart mentally to find what had gone wrong was a task failed before he could even get started. Frank lacked concentration and the ability to understand himself, and then thought that that was probably why whenever something fucked up he lashed out, because he had control over himself physically. It wasn’t like he couldn’t work out how to throw a punch, kick holes in his bedroom door or smash his father’s scotch bottles against the kitchen wall. It had all been out of frustration, but this time he was so much frustrated as he was crushed, like his bones had been crunched and he couldn’t fix the problem like he usually would because he simply couldn’t move.
Jeph eventually broke through his scattered thoughts. “You should talk to him, Frank.”
Frank didn’t say anything, instead he shifted on his bed, making soft ruffling noises at which Jeph then said, “And don’t pretend you’re asleep.”
Frank stirred on top of his covers again, fidgeting a bit until he eventually lay still on his back and stared at the underside of his roommate’s mattress. He wasn’t actually trying to avoid Jeph’s question, he was just trying to come up with some sort of response. Frank was well aware that there was just no point in acting as if he had no clue what or whom his friend was talking about. He could tell Jeph had somewhat of an idea that something more than counsel sessions was going on between himself and Gerard and if Frank had to be quite honest right then, he was pretty relived Jeph did say something. He needed to talk about it. If not about all of it then he at least needed to say something.
He took a deep breath and spoke softly. “I don’t know what I’d say.”
They were both silent again, but Frank would have sworn that he could hear the cogs turning his Jeph’s head and he had a feeling that he already knew exactly what Jeph was going to say.
“Maybe you should say that you’re sorry?” Jeph said, his tone gentle as if he knew he was treading on eggshells, but Frank wasn’t surprised by his suggestion.
“I already did. I guess that wasn’t enough.”
At once, Jeph was climbing down the wooden steps at the end of the bunk and crawling onto Frank’s bed, squishing himself next to his friend to lie down. Frank glanced up at him and smiled as a ‘Thanks’ and Jeph just rubbed his shoulder reassuringly before speaking again.
“You wanna talk about it?”
Frank seriously considered the question. Jeph was more than willing to listen to him, which was evident in his patience as he waited for Frank to answer. Frank wanted to talk about it, he had to talk about it. He had spent so long cooped up in his own thoughts that he was rather shocked he hadn’t exploded yet, he then thought that if he was to relay everything to Jeph it may help him figure out exactly what the fuck was going on. Even though he and Gerard had a verbal agreement to not say anything to anyone, Frank considered Jeph and exception because he wasn’t just anyone.
He looked at his friend again and smiled weakly. “Yeah …I do.”
Jeph smiled back then looked between Frank and their empty bedroom. “Well I’ve got all night, dude. I ain’t going anywhere.”
“Thanks.” Frank laughed a little, before taking in another deep breath as he rubbed at his face. “We had a fight, I guess.”
Jeph nodded. “Okay. So, like a…” He began making hand actions. “…counselor, patient fight or a ‘we kinda have a relationship’ fight?”
“The latter.”
“Hmm.”
Frank started to look a little worried. He wanted to tell Jeph pretty much everything, but once again, he didn’t think ahead. He never considered what his friend’s reaction would be. Especially since, not only was he going to be admitting to some sort of a relationship with his counselor, he was admitting to a relationship with another man. As far as Jeph was concerned, -and even Frank had been for that matter- Frank had never been into guys, other than being addicted to the articles ‘Seventeen’ published, he never really sent out any homosexual tendencies, so it made it a lot harder to guess what Jeph would both say and think.
“You’re not mad are you?” Frank then asked, just to get it out there. If Jeph was annoyed, he wanted to know straight away. He really didn’t think he could handle both Gerard and Jeph being shitty with him.
Jeph scoffed and Frank was instantly relieved. “No!” He spat, kindly. “Why would I be mad? Idiot.”
“I don’t know. ‘Cause I didn’t tell you sooner?”
Jeph squinted at him, seemingly trying to piece the few pieces of the puzzle he already had together. “Well, you only just went away last weekend, so unless you two like…” He paused, searching for the right words. “…done, some…ah, things or whatever, like weeks ago in his office, I guess there wasn’t really anything to tell me up until now. Right?”
Frank was slightly confused, his mouth hanging open a little and he tried to make sense of his friend, nodding with understanding when he finally did. “I guess.”
“So …tell me then. I want to know now.” Jeph urged, nudging Frank’s arm. “I mean, well …it’s pretty unexpected, but whatever dude. It’s good …kinda.”
Frank pulled a face at him.
“It is.” Jeph shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s good that you like him. He likes you.”
Frank’s already contorted face became exceedingly worse. “How would you know?”
“When I went and saw him today, he asked about you. Then I said something to him-”
“What! What did you say?”
Jeph shrugged again, casually. “I don’t remember. I just mentioned how quiet you were at lunch or something, so he started pretending like it had nothing to with him, but Frank…” He looked at his friend with a somewhat smug expression. “…he was so worried. I don’t know if it was because he thought I might have known something, or if it was because I said you were upset or whatever, but just the way he tried not to look at me when I was speaking, it was as if it was just killing him.”
Frank’s eyes were wide and still, his body frozen in place on the bed. He couldn’t believe Jeph had spoken to Gerard about him, he couldn’t believe he almost fucking knew what Gerard was thinking. Jeph is insane, Frank thought. There was no possible way that he could tell that much just by looking at someone, but apparently he could and Frank thought that was because Jeph had always paid very close attention to detail. He was almost certain Jeph was a genius, which would explain his mild lunacy.
“I can’t believe you talked about me.” Frank finally said.
“Well, I did, so shush. Now, spill. You still haven’t told me how all this shit started.”
“Oh god.” Frank buried his face in his hands and sat up a little in his bed, glancing at the picture from Gerard on his wall before starting what he knew what was the beginning of a long story…
“So…it kinda started with Pete. Gerard asked me if I wanted to go away with him for the weekend and I had said yes. It was nothing over the top, but I spose we kinda, not reallyish flirted in session and stuff. I had thought about it, like what it meant, but I didn’t know so I just left it. Anyway, when Pete said that Gerard had told him to take his shirt off and shit, which…” He paused and looked down at Jeph who was listening intently, but now had a slight smirk on his face.
“…don’t fucking laugh, because I know it was lame and stupid, but I couldn’t help but be upset, angry, pissed off, whatever…that made me feel like the way he acted with me was the way he acted with everyone and…that was, like …ugh!” He threw his hands in the air, not sure of how to place his next words without sounding like a total fucking girl.
It was hard to say these kinds of things, explain to his friend what had gone on because even Frank hadn’t thought about everything that had actually gone on. He only thought about the bad things, the things that were maybe happening, the way he felt and what it meant. He never actually relayed the whole situation out to himself and maybe that was why it was so hard to tell Jeph all about it, because he hardly even knew the whole story correctly himself.
Jeph stayed silent though and waited for Frank to continue. Once Frank had ran a hand through his hair and shifted on the bed a bit more, taking his time to come up with the right things to say that would explain exactly what he meant without having to go over it a gazillion times. He softly laughed to himself before saying it as simply as possible.
“…that was when I realized that I liked him.” He smiled to himself, thinking hard about it before adding, “Like, really fucking liked him.”
The two were silent again for a moment. Frank staring at his hands and Jeph looking off into the short distance before he asked, “What was it about him?” Sounding genuinely interested.
Frank shrugged, mostly to himself because that was yet another thing he hadn’t bothered to think about. “I don’t know…everything?” He laughed a little. “I didn’t really like him at first. He pissed me off. I mean, he wasn’t as bad as Bob had made him out to be, but he was still a dickhead. I guess, after a bit we just started talking, annoying each other and it also didn’t help when he would just sit there being so fucking hot that I could sometimes feel myself twitch.”
“Frank!” Jeph pushed him and Frank just laughed.
“Sorry, but you wanted to know. Anyway, I don’t know what it was exactly, he was just-”
Jeph raised a hand, indicating for him to stop talking. Frank looked down at him, brow furrowed and a little confused at which point Jeph simply said, “That is exactly why, Frank.”
Frank was still confused. “What is?”
“Well, because you don’t actually know what it was that made you turn into a woman-”
“-Hey!” Frank interjected, insulted.
“Shut up. You have a vagina. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, because you don’t know why you like him, you just fucking do, then that’s a reason in itself and to be honest, I think, that that is the best reason to have.” Jeph concluded with a wide, toothy grin.
Frank took a moment to think about it and when he finally worked out what his friend meant, he was so jealous that he couldn’t think of things like that that he almost wanted to punch Jeph for having that ability. “Since when did you turn into a fucking love doctor?”
Jeph laughed, before turning away from Frank looking suspicious as he mumbled, “Since I may have read some of those girly magazines you collect.”
Frank just laughed, shoving Jeph a little. “Well I’m glad, because I would have never thought of it like that.”
“What can I say, man? Being in here does things to you.”
Frank raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, I think I know.”
“Okay. So continue, Frank, if you will.” Jeph then asked.
“Oh yeah…so I really didn’t want to mention anything about Pete to him. I thought it was childish, and really, it wasn’t any of my business. Then, when we stopped for breakfast, I overheard him say ‘I love you’ to someone on the phone and I went all ‘I’m going to be sick again’. We ended up having a fight…” He paused, laughing a little as he remembered how much he had over-reacted. “…like, right there in the middle of the fucking parking lot in front of all these people. I didn’t even care at the time. I ended up telling him that I knew what happened with Pete and he asked why I was so upset, and then …I just, said it, I guess. I just screamed at him and told him I liked him then I stormed off. Next thing I knew, he had a hold of my face and was kissing me.” He took a breath, nodding and trying not to look at Jeph, who just let out a breathy, ‘Wow’.
“I know right?”
“Did you freak out at all?”
Frank scoffed. “No. I fucking kissed him back.”
“This is so awesome.” Jeph said excitedly, anyone listening would’ve thought he was having his eighth birthday party.
“It was ...it’s not right now though.” Frank corrected, bringing himself back to the situation at hand. “I ended up jacking him off in the car.” He then said, like it was no big deal, which it wasn’t really but he knew his roommate would go wide-eyed about it.
“What!” Jeph shrieked at once.
“Yeah. It was crazy, I just did it though.”
Jeph sighed, letting his head fall back heavily on Frank’s pillow. “God…” He sighed. “I wish I could do that.”
“Huh? Jack Gerard off?” Frank asked, utterly confused.
“No. I mean, just do shit ‘cause if, like ...just for no reason. Stuff like that.”
“I still don’t get what you mean, dude. Are you saying you’d like to do shit with a guy?”
Jeph got a little stressed. “No. Like, it’s just you-”
Frank cut him off with a sigh “-We’ve been friends way too long for, you know-”
“-You’re kidding right? I did not mean you as in, fuck around with you.”
Frank looked at his lap as he let out a small, but definitely not disappointed, ‘Oh’.
Jeph continued. “I meant do stuff like that as in, you’re just so, impulsive. What we did with the cars was different, that was planned y’know? All that shit we did, it was always thought about before we actually did it. But you, you just do random shit, things that people don’t expect…” He paused for a moment and looked at Frank, who was now looking down at him and he cocked an eyebrow, “…sometimes I think even you don’t expect it.”
“I can’t believe we haven’t talked about this kinda shit before. Do you really think I’m like that?” Frank asked. He had always known that Jeph was a lot smarter than he would ever let on, but he didn’t think there was a chance that his friend knew more about him than he knew about himself.
“Of course I do!” Jeph exclaimed, sitting up on the bed to help get his point across. “And Mr. Wa-, I mean, Gerard, is a prime example. If I told you a couple years ago that you were going to have a relationship with another guy, you would’ve told me I needed to see a doctor, but here you are, doing exactly that.”
Frank agreed straight away. Jeph was right, he wouldn’t have believed it at all, he can hardly even believe it now. “Okay, so I’m impulsive. What else am I?” He smiled and Jeph just laughed.
“You’re a lot of things, Frank, but it’s not all bad, you know?”
Frank shrugged. He wouldn’t have doubted it. “What’s good then?”
Jeph took a moment, rubbing at his temples and letting out a deep breath before answering. “Maybe you should ask Gerard that?”
Frank just groaned for lack of a better response. “Your logic is killing me dude, I’m so confused.”
“Just tell me the rest of your tragic love story.” Jeph smiled, ruffling his friend’s hair.
“Okay…” He paused, trying to recall where it was he was up to. “…Oh, right. Yeah, so he ended up taking me to visit his brother…” Frank stopped again, his eyes growing wide and he quickly shifted on the bed to face Jeph completely. “…Holy shit! I can’t believe I didn’t tell you this. His brother’s in prison, because like, they used to fucking steal cars, pretty much like we did. I couldn’t believe it. Mikey’s fucking awesome by the way.”
“Mikey?”
“Oh, that’s Gerard’s brother.”
“Shit so, they’re…just fucking crazy then I guess?” Jeph kind of shrugged. He was shocked, but it wasn’t really worth freaking out over.
“Yeah. I don’t know why or anything, I never bothered asking. There might not even be a reason. Anyway. So, that was Saturday. Saturday night we went to dinner, it was embarrassing actually…” He laughed. “…Gerard said something totally inappropriate, like about me and him fucking or whatever-”
“-You’ve already fucked him! Whoa. This is a little more full on than I thought.”
Frank remained silent, maybe wishing he could just take that part back, so he asked, “Is that bad?”
Jeph just shrugged. “I don’t know. Is it?”
“I hope not. I don’t think it it. I’d actually recommend it.” Frank smiled.
“Ugh. Stop.”
Frank laughed before continuing, “Now I don’t remember what I was talking about. Oh, yeah and he’s got some ex boyfriend that’s a complete douche, but I don’t even wanna get into that. We got pulled over by the cops on the way home and I thought I was going to just die right there in the car seat-”
“-Why? Did you have his in dick in your hand again?” Jeph snickered.
“Fuck you.” Frank suggested playfully. “Asshole, and no I did not. It was just scary, reminded us both that what happened really happened and that we need to be careful ‘cause he could get in a lot of shit.”
“So…does that mean you two are like, actually together or something?” Jeph asked, then quietly adding, “’Cause that would be weird.”
“I doubt it. Especially after today. He was so fucking pissed at me about Nick.” Frank shook his head gently.
“No, he wasn’t…” Jeph started, apparently the beginning of another insightful speech. “…it would’ve been because you put him in a shitty situation. He obviously didn’t know how to approach you about it. I mean, it would be different with me ‘cause we haven’t slept together, but with you, he probably didn’t know if he should act like your counselor or your friend, or …more than your friend.”
Right then Frank considered that Jeph had just ripped a piece of his astuteness out and handed it to him. It wasn’t until Jeph said that that Frank had reasoned he may be looking at this from the wrong angle. He knew Gerard would be pissed off with him for what he and his friends had done, but he never thought about the way he would be angry. He hadn’t forgotten that he told Gerard their counsel sessions would always be about them now, but that was from his point of view; he couldn’t see Gerard as just his counselor anymore, but the way Gerard saw him didn’t even come to mind.
Although Jeph didn’t have all the details as to what was going on, he still had a fair idea and Frank knew that that was enough. It wasn’t like Frank to become troubled over something that really didn’t mean that much to him, so whether he actually said the words or not, he knew Jeph was aware of how serious this was to him. Talking about it was making him feel a lot better, especially since Jeph wasn’t just sitting there and nodding his head. Frank knew he could tell Jeph anything, this was something to be a little cautious about, but he was so glad he decided to just talk about it anyway.
“I never even thought of that.” Frank then said, his voice low as he was still half-thinking about it.
“But it makes sense, right? I mean, I don’t know what exactly you both said to one another, but I think that maybe he’s just like, worried or even panicked. I don’t know.”
Frank nodded, glancing at Jeph again. It was then that he realized that he needed to be more concerned about how Gerard was coping with all of this, after all, he was the one taking the risks, he was the one trying to be two people at once and he was the one who had finally made Frank recognize that the kind of life he lead outside of Juvy was not one he wanted to keep. He needed Gerard and more than that, he now appreciated him. It may have seemed like only a small revelation, but to Frank, it felt huge. He was going to fix this because he knew things could be better and Gerard was that ‘better’ and that was what Frank needed.
Chapter 19