New Stepmother seeking advice

[misskittykat21]

I have been married to my husband for 3 years. After 3 years of battling with his ex-girlfriend and being sent to Iraq he finally has a court order to be able to see his son. I have never had any kids. I have babysat but now I am trying to figure out how to prepare my house for my stepson. My stepson is 5 years old. This is the first time we will

Comments

[silent_murmers]

How often do you expect to have him over night? If it's infrequently, it might be more economical to get him a toddler mattress that can be hidden away during the times he's not with you. If it will be pretty regular, and you have the space for it, I would recommend a regular twin size bed. He's most likely too big for a toddler bed at 5 (or will be soon enough that the expensive of buying one is a bit much when it will need to be replaced soon after). My daughter is 5 and sleeps in a regular twin bed, sans rails, with no issues. She has now for 2 years. My son went straight to his twin from his crib at 2 years old. 5 should be plenty old enough for him not to need special rails--and if he's anything like a typical 5 year old boy, probably more dangerous!! My son was leaping and swinging and doing flips off anything he could at that age

[misskittykat21]

The mom won't even talk to my husband and tries to use his son as blackmail. But now there is a court order saying he gets to see his son. She has done a lot of horrible things and honestly doesn't need to hall full or even joint custody but that is a huge battle we are just starting. (Drugs, no job, revolving door of boyfriends, violence within the household) And thanks for the advie. I am going to be shopping for beds this weekend. I figured I would get one of the easels with a chalk board and a dry erase board and a roll of paper and crayons, maybe some legos, but after that I am pretty much clueless.

[silent_murmers]

I feel for you! Hard enough being a step-mom as is, but then to not have the support of bio mom just makes it rougher! Good luck!

Sounds like a good enough start to me with the ideas you have. Honestly, 5 seems young, but they are very loud and opinionated and most 5 year olds are pretty verbal so chances are he's not going to have much in the way of issues of letting you know what he'd like. Start small, add as you go!

[princessenoire]

It really depends on what he's interested in. You should probably be able to get by with a regular bed with no rails, but you might find after he's visiting that he'll need rails. Fortunately, they're very easy to get. I would definitely get a regular bed, though, because a toddler bed he'd outgrow very quickly, even assuming he fit in it now. I think drawing stuff and Legos are a good idea, and books (or take him to get a library card). Perhaps also give him a small allowance and tell him that you'd like to go to Target/Dollar Store/whatever and let him pick out a few things that *he* would like best. I'm on the other side of this, but I know that one thing that really bothers my son is that there is no space for *him* at his dad's. It's understandable if there's not an entire room he can have, but I think it's important that kids have their own space to retreat to, especially if he's been kept away for years, yanno? So set his bed up in a room/corner/whatever, and let him help decorate it, however you can (paint? removable wall

[misskittykat21]

I am planning on converting our cat room into his room. It is kind of just empty space that we never use. I want him to feel like this is his second home.

[akcipitrokulo]

Hi! I also became a stepmum to a 5 year old (although slightly different - her dad had/still has full custody).

Don't have any expectations. There really isn't any way to know how he will react; except that it will be stressful for him. Drawing equipment is an excellent idea (as is drawing with him) as is any other age-appropriate toys; building blocks & dinosaurs tend to go down well!

I'd strongly suggest getting a proper bed in a permanent place for him rather than a pull-out, if you have the space of course - it gives him more security of knowing that there is a definite place for him with you.

Good luck!

[mountain_lion]

I also strongly suggest a regular size bed. A five year old will be too big for a toddler bed, which is the size of a crib. At five, they feel like they are now an adult, and sticking him in a bed for a baby will not go over well. Let him help pick out some fun sheets. My son loves to pick out stuff for his room.

While I'm sure you've heard a lot about him, he probably hasn't heard much about you, so you'll be a virtual stranger to him. Let him set the pace on how much he interacts, what he wants to do, and when. Kids are pretty good at letting you know what they want.

Getting him a few toys such as legos, art supplies, a few movies, and maybe some cars is a good idea. It would also be great to let him pick out some things. That way you'll see what he likes, and he'll have stuff he'll play with for sure.

I'm a teacher, a mom, and a former nanny, so I've had lot of experience with kiddos.

Don't expect anything, love him UNCONDITIONALLY, and don't take anything personally, and you'll all be ok.

[mountain_lion]

Oh, and if you can afford it, get him a bike! :)

[misskittykat21]

I do know that he could take to me immediately or shy away from me for awhile. I just haven't had experience with children over the age of 3.

[ellemir]

The above comments contain a lot of good information. Some things occur to me as worth consideration. I'm speaking as a stepdaughter who has had 2 stepmothers (one brilliant, one not so much) and a stepfather. Also, as the mother of two boys, now grown, who have had 2 stepmums, several half siblings and now have a stepfather. I was also a teacher for quite a few years. My comments below are based directly on my experiences

[misskittykat21]

That is a great idea. Thanks.