Fic for reddorozette (3/5)
Title: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow {3/5}
Written for: reddorozette
Pairing: pikame (& a bit of ryokame)
Words: 36 427
Rating: PG-15? (somewhere between PG-13 and R)
Notes: thank you very much to my beta!!!!! <3333
Summary: From the first moment that he met Kamenashi Kazuya, Yamashita Tomohisa knew, just knew, that somehow, he had done something horrible to the younger boy. Is it possible to hate someone in one life, but love them in the next? In one life, Yamashita Tomohisa murdered Kamenashi Kazuya but in this life, he's in love with him...
--
Tomohisa’s upper lip curled up in distaste when, on an early morning walk around the estate, he came upon the sight of his half-brother’s lover in the distance. Turning around to avoid Kazuya never even crossed his mind, as he sauntered in the same direction he had been going before.
It wasn’t long before Kazuya spotted him, and he smiled nervously, offering a nod in greeting.
“Good morning, Tomohisa,” Kazuya said cordially.
“Morning,” Tomohisa returned in a cool tone, “Where’s Ryo?”
“He appears to still be asleep,” Kazuya said, expression changing into a more eager one the moment he had mentioned Ryo’s name. A smile blossomed on the younger man’s face - a smile that Tomohisa wanted very much to crush.
“Ah yes, of course, he doesn’t need to abide to the strict rules set by my father as he is the heir and doesn’t need to have any ounce of self-discipline,” Tomohisa said, his tone light but his words cutting.
Kazuya’s smile fell as quickly as it had appeared, brown eyes showing his shock at his words.
“I’m sure your father -”
“But of course, my father is just as fond of you as he is of my brother. One wonders how he has room in his heart for someone not even from his family, someone who was the reason why his son and heir abandoned the family for two years, when he has no room in that heart for his second son.” Tomohisa continued, aware of Kazuya’s increasingly uncomfortable expression.
“I -”
“Then again, you are from the prestigious Kamenashi family. It is a political alliance that he would do anything to get his hands on.”
“Lord Nishikido has been extremely kind and gracious -”
“And there’s also the fact that you are the third son of your family. Is that what attracted you to my brother? Because he is the heir and you’re doomed to inherit a mediocre title after your older brothers are through with the heritance?” Tomohisa continued, “I must admit, it’s a plan worthy of any devious mind.”
Kazuya’s eyes had widened and he adopted an angry expression, “I love Ryo -”
“Yes, you say that. But really, who would have thought that the third son of the Kamenashi family would be able to rise to being the intended of the future Lord Nishikido? It is so fortunate that my father thinks the political ties with your family are worth the trouble of Ryo not marrying a woman of his status who can bear the children of the Nishikido line. How long do you think this ‘love’ will last when Ryo eventually has to take a consort for that purpose?”
Kazuya’s face had paled, and Tomohisa felt delighted in knowing that he had touched a nerve.
Of course, he had already figured that at best, Ryo would need to have a consort, a female to carry on the family line, if he wanted to be with Kazuya. It was something both of them had had to accept when they returned to the family. He hoped that was the path that his father would insist on. Maybe it would prompt Ryo to run away with his lover again, and he would have a chance at the lordship.
After all, there were only so many times his father would forgive his heir right?
“I - I see Ryo.” Kazuya said, sucking in his breath as though he was withholding what he really wanted to say to Tomohisa - none of it good probably. He left quickly, and there was an aura of hurt and anger about him. Tomohisa smirked to himself.
That smirk faded when, from the distance, he could see Ryo shooting a glare at him, before he stroked his lover’s cheek with a reassuring smile.
Then, Ryo looked in his direction again, and Tomohisa could see that he would soon begin to regret his callous words.
He braced himself for grovelling to his father to explain his actions.
As if to prove him right, Ryo came over, Kazuya standing a distance away, looking anywhere but at Tomohisa.
“Father approves of our relationship, Tomohisa.” He said harshly, “You may not, but you will stop this or I will make sure you regret it.” He said fiercely, “I will do anything for him. Whether you like it or not.”
Tomohisa merely bowed his head in recognition.
Once Ryo returned to Kazuya, Tomohisa finally looked up and let the snarl of anger and hatred stain his lips.
* * *
When he woke again, Yamapi was uncomfortably aware of a sharp sense of fear in his heart, and in an almost desperate manner, he forced himself out of bed, more than aware that it was probably an ungodly hour at night again. He wrenched open his room door to find the rest of the dorm in near complete darkness. The glowing digital letters of the stove clock showed him that it was three in the morning, and despite that, he still stumbled in the direction of Kamenashi’s room.
He had to make sure it wasn’t real; he had to make sure that those dark feelings were only in his dreams, that the hurt he so eagerly dealt out in his nightmares wasn’t real.
He was ready to barrel into Kamenashi’s room, whether the younger man got angry at him or not, just to make sure that it hadn’t been real.
Instead, he found that Kamenashi’s door wasn’t locked and he opened it loudly and almost violently.
Seeing Kamenashi in his bed was a relief, seeing Kamenashi with posters of baseball teams above his head was an even bigger relief.
Yamapi breathed out a loud sigh. He held a hand over his heart, which was beating erratically; those dark, vicious emotions he felt in his nightmares were becoming more and more real with each nightmare. They were getting darker and stronger, and what they left him feeling when he woke up scared the hell out of him.
“Yamashita?”
Yamapi froze, both physically and mentally, when he realized that practically crashing into Kamenashi’s room wasn’t the best idea. The noise had woken Kamenashi up, and the younger man was sitting up in bed, looking annoyed as he stared at the figure in his doorway.
Yamapi had two choices.
He could stand there and lie to Kamenashi - again, a nasty little voice said in his mind.
Or he could just bolt out of there and hope Kamenashi thought it was a dream.
Yamapi chose the second option.
It was only too bad that the time it had taken him to reach that decision had given Kamenashi time to become more alert and he was already heading toward Yamapi by the time Yamapi chose to run.
So, Yamapi let out a yelp when he felt a sharp jolt of pain in the top of his head and he fell to the ground. He looked up at Kamenashi with surprised eyes, “You pulled my hair!” he accused.
Kamenashi crossed his arms, “You invaded my room at…three am,” he added in a duller tone when he saw what time it was.
“I -” Yamapi tried to come up with an explanation. A good one. That didn’t involve explaining that he had constant nightmares that involved a form of himself lashing out at a form of Kamenashi, which left him shuddering at the dark feelings in the nightmare form of himself’s heart.
Kamenashi let out a long sigh, rolling his eyes, “Let me guess. Another nightmare in which you wake up screaming like someone’s been murdered?”
Yamapi winced at the wording, something that Kamenashi noticed unfortunately.
“Yamashita,” Kamenashi said in a tone that was strangely a cross between stern and soft, “You do know that these nightmares aren’t healthy right?” he asked, lips turning into a frown.
Yamapi stilled.
“There must be a reason you’re having these nightmares, and if you need me to help you find someone to talk to -” he continued in an almost awkward way.
It took a while for Yamapi to realize what Kamenashi was trying to say.
“I don’t need to see a shrink!” he yelped loudly - and in fear, and violently flinched away from Kamenashi, “I don’t need to talk to anyone about this because there’s nothing wrong!”
Kamenashi stared at him in a ‘do you think I’m stupid?’ sort of way, and Yamapi stared back at him, stubbornly. While this happened, Yamapi was strangely aware of the fact that Kamenashi seemed to have bags under his eyes, and he had an overwhelming sense of resignation about him.
Because of your lie to him, idiot, that voice in his head said snippily.
“I…”
Yamapi suddenly felt terrible; this hurt, he had done this to Kamenashi, by lying, by being a coward; how was that any different from what the form of himself in his nightmares did?
“I’m sorry,” he whispered suddenly, standing and reaching up without realizing he was doing it; his fingertips brushed softly over the dark circles under Kamenashi’s eyes, “I -”
“Don’t,” Kamenashi bit out, wrenching himself away from Yamapi’s hand, “I don’t need your pity.”
Pity. Wasn’t it pity that had Kamenashi asking him about his nightmares? To ask if he needed to talk to someone?
“You’re giving me yours,” Yamapi tried to counter, without thinking, flinching once he said those words, “You tried to make me sleep. You don’t have any right to pity me and do that.” He said harshly.
“I’m not endangering myself by liking you,” Kamenashi said coldly, before he reached out and pushed Yamapi out of his room, “It’s not something pitiable, but you’re waking up violently each night. There’s a difference. What keeps me up at night isn’t worrisome and endangering my own health. Sorry for trying to help.”
The door slammed in Yamapi’s face.
* * *
As Tomohisa had expected, it wasn’t long before his father called him into his office, and he knew that Ryo must have informed him of what he had said.
“I heard that you exchanged…words,” his father paused at that word, a light disdainful hint to his voice, “with our guest.” He said sternly.
“I -” Tomohisa started, but then he bit his tongue, “I suppose Ryo told you?” he said bitingly.
“Do not blame your brother for your actions, Tomohisa,” his father snapped irritably, “I find it deplorable that you would go out of your way to insult and make less than honourable insinuations about a guest in the Nishikido household.”
Tomohisa bit his tongue again.
“Your brother brought it to my attention not out of some irritating childish need to get others in trouble, much like what you are prone to do, but so that I can have a proper talk with you to prepare you for the fact that this joining of the families is happening and so that you will not further embarrass our family name by making such insinuations when the time for the joining ceremony approaches.”
Tomohisa wanted to scoff; Ryo was just angry that he had upset his lover. It wasn’t because of some honourable attempt at caring for the family name. If Ryo had cared that much about the family name, he would never have run off two years ago with Kazuya and forsaken his status as the heir so that he could be with Kazuya. Tomohisa felt his blood boil; if it had been him, his father would have never allowed him to set foot back on the estate again, never mind reinstating him as the heir once more, or even welcoming the one he had run off with.
But because it had been Ryo, stupid perfect first-born legitimate son Ryo, Tomohisa’s brother had been welcomed back with open arms.
Anger bubbling just under the surface, Tomohisa’s eyes narrowed, “What will you do about the family line? I doubt Ryo will have any inclination to have a consort, with the way he’s acting.”
“Ryo and Kazuya both understood that if they were to return to their families after their…excursion, they would have certain obligations to fulfill.”
“They will be illegitimate children, will they not? Much like me.”
“I will arrange a proper consort when the time comes, to bear a son to this family.” His father said coolly.
“He would still be illegitimate.” Tomohisa argued, “I, however, have no inclinations to shrink from my duties as your son unlike -”
“Unlike your mother, Ryo’s consort will be someone proper for his status.” Lord Nishikido said loudly and coldly, “Which is why, no matter what, you will never be the head of this family.”
“I am your son as well!” Tomohisa tried, eyes narrowing.
“Your mother was a servant, a loose woman whose only worth was in her looks when she was young, and completely unfitting to bear the heir of the Nishikido family!” his father roared, “The difference between you and Ryo is that fact - my wife was from a perfectly respectful and prestigious family, and Ryo’s consort will be as well. No commoner blood has any place being the head of this noble family!”
“That’s what it comes down to - that my mother was a commoner?”
“You bear her family name for a reason,” his father snapped, “Both of you should have been grateful I allowed her to stay even when she was of no use to this household anymore.”
Tomohisa balled his fists and his jaw clenched.
“You will never be my heir, Tomohisa,” his father said in a dangerous tone, “Your brother is. Now cease with this childish behaviour before I really lose my temper.”
There were a multitude of things that Tomohisa wanted to shout at his father, but instead, he bowed his head respectfully. Anger burned intensely in his eyes, but he kept his head down to hide it from his father.
One day, he thought, when you, old man, are disappointed by your precious heir once again, I will make you beg and apologize for ever doubting me. For ever insulting me. For looking down on me.
With that, he left the office, not slamming the door behind him but as soon as he was out of range of his father’s office, he went on a rampage the rest of the way to his room.
Tomohisa was in a towering rage for most of the day, and the servants carefully avoided him. It was just unlucky, or perhaps, lucky, depending on whose perspective it was from, that he came across one of the two people who either did not know to avoid him or weren’t afraid of him.
Kazuya eyed him warily as Tomohisa approached him, a fake smile on the older man’s face, “Evening, Kazuya.” He said with jerky wave.
Was it obvious that he was furious? Probably.
“Evening,” Kazuya greeted, allowing a hesitant smile to grace his lips. Tomohisa wanted to wipe that stupid smile off of the younger man’s face.
He let the rage cover his face, and swung back to strike the younger man; Kazuya let out a surprised sound, most likely thinking that he was safe in this household, and moved to block the hit, but it was for naught; Tomohisa stopped just short of Kazuya’s face, and he leaned in, “Be happy as long as you can, Kazuya, I promise you that I will be my father’s heir no matter what it takes. Watch your back. And you may as well try to watch my brother’s too.” His eyes hardened as he stared at Kazuya’s shocked expression. He leaned to the side a little to whisper into Kazuya’s ear, “I will destroy both of you if that’s what it takes.”
He left before Kazuya could recover from hearing that, taking enjoyment in the horrified shock that was on the younger man’s face. Any anger the younger man would have felt at being attacked so suddenly was replaced by that horrified shock. A smirk crossed his lips and Tomohisa hummed under his breath, happy now that he had ruined someone else’s day.
* * *
Yamapi ran a hand through his wet hair, staring at his reflection in the fogged up mirror. He didn’t look quite that terrible, but he felt as though a monster truck had run him over - many times. His whole body was sore, though that was probably just from being tired. He was utterly exhausted these days, so much so that even if he did go to class, he would need the strongest coffee he could find just to stay awake. He was determined not to fall asleep in class, because he really didn’t need anyone else finding out about his nightmares.
It was obvious though that things would be very awkward with Kamenashi for a while.
Like today.
Both of them sat in the main area of their dorm room, eating breakfast. Neither of them spoke, and although Yamapi would look up from time to time, trying to figure out what to say, he couldn’t think of anything that would make the situation better.
The guilt of lying to Kamenashi about his feelings was eating him up inside. The fact that these nightmares were getting worse, and darker, was not helping at all. The realization he had come to that he was hurting Kamenashi just as much with his lies as his dream-self was hurting dream Kamenashi with his words and viciousness was something that made him feel nauseous.
That was why he was also picking at his breakfast, poking at the cereal with his spoon.
Kamenashi ignored him; Yamapi couldn’t blame him. What he did was compare Kamenashi's feelings for him with these violent nightmares. It was a mix of insulting and hurtful; Yamapi wasn't sure that, if the situations were reversed, he would forgive himself.
After all, Kamenashi had just been trying to help.
He didn't even have any reason to - he should have been avoiding Yamapi, angry at Yamapi for rejecting him. He did it because he was probably worried, and what did Yamapi do? He threw that concern right back into Kamenashi's face.
Yamapi stabbed at the cereal with his spoon.
He lifted his head when he heard movement, and locked eyes with Kamenashi for a moment. The younger man probably hadn't been expecting that, because for a brief moment, Yamapi saw a flash of wistful pain, hurt, and confusion. Then, just like that, it was gone.
Kamenashi turned his head away and, standing up, he headed for his room.
Yamapi looked at his cereal and pushed it away, a bile taste in the back of his mouth.
He needed to get out.
"I'm stepping out for a bit," he told Kamenashi, a bit awkwardly.
The only indication that Kamenashi even heard him was the slight pause in the younger man's step. Then, Kamenashi was closing his room’s door behind him.
Yamapi took a deep breath and headed outside, walking aimlessly once he left the residence hall. It was a little cold out, but not that cold, so he could get by without his jacket. He let out a shuddering breath.
He didn't know what to do anymore.
He was barely hanging onto his sanity, it seemed. He couldn’t sleep properly at night; that was, on the days he did sleep. He often tried to stay awake just to avoid the inevitable nightmares. The one person who sort of understood, he had pushed him away. He was slowly going crazy from all this, if he wasn't already crazy.
He had to be crazy, to have those nightmares.
It wasn't possible for them to be anything else but delusional dreams. The question was why he was having nightmares of him, Kamenashi, and some other guy, in some older time period, and why he was so…dark in these dreams.
Maybe it was a manifestation of something deep within himself? Like a personality within himself that he had no idea about? That would sort of make sense…if it was some dark part of himself, that he had no idea about, it would need to manifest itself in some way right?
It was certainly easier to believe that than the other possibility - like the possibility that these dreams were something more than dreams, that they held a sort of reality to them and…
No, that wasn't possible. These dreams weren't real or anything like that. They couldn’t be. It was all just a delusion in his mind, a figment of a dark part of his personality.
He would rather accept that he had a dark side that came out in his dreams rather than acknowledge that perhaps these dreams were real and that was his real self. That was why there were people he didn't know in those nightmares, because they were made up by his imagination. It was just coincidence that Kamenashi was in them, right? Because maybe, those images he had once had around Kamenashi, once they stopped, he had attributed them to Kamenashi, and that had caused him to create a figment of Kamenashi in his dreams?
Yamapi was so caught up in these thoughts that he didn't notice where he was walking. He was near the other side of campus by the time he looked up from his thoughts, just in time to see a dark shape loom in front of him.
"Ow!" Yamapi yelped as he crashed right into someone from behind.
"Watch where you're going!" a voice snapped.
Yamapi froze; that voice, it was familiar, like something he should remember, from a long time ago -
"Seriously, watch where you're going, you klutz," the voice continued. Yamapi looked up, eyes widening.
It wasn't possible. It really wasn't possible.
A face that existed only in his dreams stared down at him.
"What the hell? Are you just going to stare at me all day? Are you okay or not?"
It wasn't happening. This wasn't happening.
Dark eyes were the last thing Yamapi remembered before his grasp of reality slipped from him and everything went black.
* * *
Tomohisa pretended to the world that he was, at the very least, welcoming of the situation when the Kamenashi family arrived at the estate. If Ryo had any inkling about what was really going on in his half-brother’s mind, he showed no sign of it. Kazuya kept his mouth shut after a few well-placed warnings from Tomohisa. Not that he needed them; it seemed that Kazuya felt as though keeping quiet and watching Tomohisa with a wary eye, waiting for him to do something out of line, was the best way to deal with the situation.
It was smart, much as Tomohisa hated to admit.
If he’d done anything, like tell Lord Nishikido, Tomohisa would probably have been sent away somewhere, but Tomohisa would still be planning, and Kazuya would have no way to keep that careful, suspicious watch on the second Nishikido son.
It was smart, because Tomohisa was planning.
He had already chased away two potential consorts of Ryo’s, or so he had assumed that they were potential consorts. Why else would those two high-class noble women have been visiting his estate? They were both from lower upper-class families and had enough older siblings that their marriage wouldn’t even be noticed by the public, invisible if not for the fact that they had a chance to create an alliance with the Nishikido family.
One had, not-so-willingly, been convinced that it would be in her best interest to convince her family that being a consort wasn’t the best decision.
The other had been more stubborn, but a few well-timed conversations overheard by Tomohisa’s father were enough to convince his father that she was a poor choice.
Tomohisa smirked to himself.
The approval of Ryo’s relationship relied on his ability to ensure that he would have a child, thus the consorts; if the consort option failed, it wasn’t likely that his father would approve so readily of their relationship. Then, judging from past behaviour, Ryo would abandon the family once more to be with Kazuya. All he needed was to get Ryo out of the way.
“I know what you’re doing,” Kazuya’s voice startled Tomohisa out of his mental celebration.
Tomohisa whirled around, fixing a vicious glare at his brother’s intended, “What?” he asked innocently.
“You chased both of those girls away,” Kazuya accused, in a harsh tone.
“Why Kazuya, you almost sounded menacing right then and there.” Tomohisa taunted.
“It’s not going to work.”
“Of course it is. Besides, shouldn’t you be helping me with my plan?” Tomohisa said with a smirk, “After all, a consort means that Ryo will have to be in someone else’s bed for a while until a child is conceived. How awful you must feel, being told that the one you love will be made to cheat on you.”
Kazuya’s expression tightened, his jaw clenched, and for a moment Tomohisa was reminded that Kazuya had two older brothers whom he could give a decent challenge to, and sometimes beat when competing in sport activities at home.
“Ryo is only thinking of our future, so I’ll do the same. It will be difficult, but I have been prepared for this for months, ever since we accepted your father’s terms for coming back. You can’t hurt me with those words,” he said bitingly, “And you can’t hurt me physically like you did to that girl; I found her crying with a sprained wrist,” he said with disgust clear in his voice, “I don’t know how you could ever be related to Ryo or Lord Nishikido.”
Tomohisa’s eyes darkened, “Why don’t you run along?” he snarled.
“I will; unlike you, I actually have people who want me around.” Kazuya threw back at him before walking away. Tomohisa debated the wisdom of hitting Kazuya for that, but in the end, with a growl, he turned and stalked away. He could hear the younger man call out a “Ryo!” with an obvious laugh in his voice, and he clenched his fist so hard it hurt.
Once he was in his own room, he slammed his fist against the wall, “Both of you are going down one day, I’ll make sure that you’ll both know I’m better than both of you. I deserve everything and you’ll get nothing.” He promised.
* * *
Yamapi woke up to being poked, and when he opened his eyes, he saw a pair of dark ones staring down at him. His felt the blood drain from his face when he registered the face of the man, but when another face popped into his vision, Yamapi felt himself let loose a long, deep breath.
“Hey Sleeping - well, sleeping guy.” The dark-eyed man said with a smirk and a drawl. Yamapi was pretty sure that was a barb toward how he looked, but ignored it for now. He was trying his best not to hyperventilate at the sight of the man, a familiar face that had appeared only in his dreams.
Until now.
He was reassured by the sight of Uchi though - and the fact that he was clearly in his own room.
Uchi punched the dark-haired man lightly in the shoulder and frowned disapprovingly at Yamapi, “Maybe I need to give you that tea again.” He commented.
Yamapi shook his head, and then he blinked, “What happened?” he asked aloud.
“What happened? What happened? What happened was that you collapsed on the other side of campus and I had to drag you back to your dorm.” Uchi said with obvious disapproval, “Obviously slipping you sleep-inducing tea once wasn’t enough.”
“Drag?” the stranger that Yamapi could barely let himself to look at scoffed, “You didn’t drag anyone Hiroki. I did.”
“Shut up Ryo!” Uchi protested in embarrassment.
Yamapi felt his heart stop completely, and his body go cold.
Ryo.
This guy was named Ryo.
The same face, the same name…
Wait, there was a chance right? There was a chance that it wasn’t the same -
“By the way, this jackass is Nishikido Ryo.” Uchi continued, and Yamapi felt all hope leave him.
It was the same name, damn it.
“Kazuya was in class at that time, and we texted him and he’s on his way over,” Uchi said brightly, “And in case you didn’t figure it out already - wouldn’t surprise me,” he added under his breath with a smirk at Nishikido, “This is Kazuya’s roommate, Yamashita Tomohisa.”
Yamapi wasn’t sure if he wanted to scream or cry right now.
Nishikido swatted Uchi over the head for the comment, but after a moment, he turned back to Yamapi; for a moment, Yamapi thought he saw a flicker of recognition in the other man’s eyes, but it was gone when he blinked. He must have been imagining it.
“Ah, the stalker.”
“I’m not a stalker!” Yamapi yelped, face heating up. Uchi must have been telling stories.
Before Uchi could say anything - and from the grin on his face, it couldn’t have been good - the main door opened and Kamenashi walked in. The younger man threw his books on the kitchen table before stalking to Yamapi’s room.
He stood there, arms crossed, before finally asking in a surprisingly soft tone, “Are you okay?”
Yamapi felt his face heat up and his heart beat a bit too quickly at the show of concern, even more so when there were other people around, “I’m fine,” he insisted with a mumble, wishing he could burrow himself under his covers and not come out for a long time.
Kamenashi stared at him.
“I’m fine! Really!” he insisted. He was uncomfortably aware that only a few nights ago, he had rejected Kamenashi’s concern and threw it in the younger man’s face. At least he was telling the truth this time.
“Good.” Kamenashi turned, allowing a grateful look to cross his face, before he adopted an indifferent one like the one he had sported for days now.
Then, to Yamapi’s surprise, he turned and punched Nishikido in the arm - hard, it seemed, because the dark-haired man stumbled back a bit.
“Oi!”
“That’s for telling Uchi to drug me,” Kamenashi said with a glare.
“It wasn’t a drug! It was just tea! And it was your plan and you bought the tea yourself!” was Uchi’s protest.
“I had to do something. It was like you were purposely trying to ugly yourself. I see you’ve invented a new way to say hello.” Nishikido sniped.
“You deserve it.”
“I know another way to say hello too. It involves you kissing me, among other things.” He smirked.
“I’ll stick with my way.” Kamenashi retorted, before breaking into a grin and wrapped his arm around Nishikido in a much friendlier greeting, “Nice seeing you, Ryo.” He said in a cheerful tone.
Yamapi stared at the two of them, wondering what was going on. One minute Nishikido was getting punched, and the next, he was getting something akin to a hug. Somehow, he was even more surprised by it than by the presence of Nishikido Ryo, who had the exact same name and face as the one in his nightmares. The theory that Yamapi had wanted to cling onto so badly, that it was all a dream he made up, was dying in front of his very eyes.
It was barely hanging on for dear life.
What does this mean? Yamapi thought, panicked, as he watched Nishikido and Kamenashi. Together. Close together - like in his dreams and nightmares. What if…? He shook his head to keep himself from thinking of that, but his heart still clenched painfully.
Uchi grinned, obviously amused at this scene, “Hey guys, take your love fest elsewhere, I don’t think we want Yamashita to faint again.”
“I did not faint!” Yamapi protested, “I was just…taking a nap.” He tried lamely.
He got three incredulous looks in response.
Yamapi slouched, “Shut up,” he muttered.
For a brief moment, he had the courage to look up at Kamenashi, who was staring back at him with an indiscernible look in his eyes. A moment later though, he stood up, “Let’s leave my roommate alone.” He said tightly, ushering his friends out of Yamapi’s room.
Neither complained, and Kamenashi paused at the door, “You should rest,” he said in a soft tone that Yamapi wished didn’t break his heart as much as it did.
He almost wished he had the courage to call Kamenashi back, to ask him to stay, to talk with him…
But he didn’t, and the last thing Yamapi saw before the door closed was a set of troubled, brown eyes.
* * *
To Tomohisa’s utter distaste, he found that the weeks leading up to the joining ceremony were filled with nothing but Ryo and Kazuya. Even if he wasn’t around them, they were all anybody could talk about; they were the center of attention for everyone. Finding even an hour where he wouldn’t have to be reminded of those two was a near miracle.
That was why he was currently hiding in one of the smaller gardens, hoping that he would be left alone - or that at least nobody would stumble upon him and drag him to help out or to talk about the upcoming ceremony.
He didn’t know why he was being asked - it wasn’t as though he cared all that much about the ceremony. He was pretty angry that it was still happening though.
He was peeved that Ryo and Kazuya hadn’t broken under the pressure and run off to avoid a life without a consort where they could be with each other. It seemed he had underestimated Ryo - he was determined to go through with this. That was a surprising twist in Tomohisa’s plan, as he would have figured that eventually, neither of them would be able to take the idea of Ryo cheating out of necessity and bail.
Tomohisa heard a noise and instantly moved so that he was hidden by some shrubs, rolling his eyes. The estate was filled with people - extended family members of both families had shown up here and it was like a circus had come into town.
Tomohisa hated it. He had to control his actions even in his own home now, and he couldn’t do anything with all these people around. He hadn’t even been able to scare the latest consort away, because it felt as though everywhere he went, there was someone there.
He peeked through the shrub to see who it was and rolled his eyes when he saw one of Kazuya’s brothers with his small child. The child was giggling as she held onto her father’s hand and a squeal of happiness made Tomohisa wince.
“Kouji-nii, there you are,” he heard Kazuya say brightly, “Hey there,” he added in a softer voice, obviously greeting his niece. Tomohisa, despite himself, turned to watch, wondering if this would give him more material to use against Kazuya. The younger man was wary of him, wary of his schemes, and he needed any advantage he could get.
“You’re the cutest child ever,” Kazuya was proclaiming as he lifted his niece into his arms, “I can’t wait until Ryo has a child!”
Tomohisa started at that.
Even Kazuya’s brother looked surprised, “Kazuya, are you…sure you’re fine with this arrangement?” he asked hesitantly.
Kazuya blinked, settling the child down on the ground,, “Of course. I love Ryo. Why wouldn’t I be fine with this ceremony?”
“Because of the consort…he’ll be forced to be unfaithful to you while he tries to conceive a child with a random woman chosen by his father.”
Kazuya stilled at that, before he offered a bright smile at Kouji that made Tomohisa want to gag, “I accepted that months ago, Kouji-nii. If anything, it will be more difficult for Ryo because he’s the one who has to be unfaithful. But I’ve told him over and over again that even if it’s an…uncomfortable and painful subject right now, as long as his feelings for me never change then I’ll be fine with it.”
“That’s…surprising,” Kouji acknowledged, staring at his younger brother.
Tomohisa felt all his plans crash down around him. Damn it - what was the point of getting rid of consorts if it didn’t upset Kazuya enough?!
“Besides,” Kazuya continued, “Once this ceremony takes place, what’s mine is Ryo’s and what’s Ryo’s is mine. So essentially, the children that come with it eventually will be mine as well.”
Tomohisa really wanted to throw up now. No wonder his brother fell for Kazuya - Ryo, even if he didn’t admit it, was into the idealistic type, the ones that refused to back down and looked on the positive side of things. Tomohisa hated those types; it was harder to get them to admit defeat.
Tomohisa startled when he felt a hand poke him in the cheek. He blinked to see that the child had found him, for the little girl’s large brown eyes were staring at him and she was giggling. Tomohisa glared, annoyed at being found out by a two-year-old.
“One of these days,” he said to her, “I’m going to get rid of your uncle once and for all.” He snarled, “Now get away from me!” he hissed, making sure to hide in the bushes well enough that nobody could find him.
The little girl stared at him, before scrunching up her face and toddling away with a wail. Tomohisa felt utterly satisfied and he waited until the two Kamenashi men and that child were gone before he began seething at the confirmation that none of his present plans would work.
It was obvious that he needed to get rid of Ryo some other way.
* * *
Yamapi spent the rest of the day in the dorm, not bothering to go to class. He didn’t go to class very much anymore, not since these nightmares had started getting worse and worse. The things he did, the dark emotions and thoughts of his, in those nightmares were taking its toll on him in reality. Meeting Nishikido Ryo today and finding out that he was a real person was a shock, seeing him and Kamenashi together, acting much like they did in those dreams was an even bigger shock.
And if Yamapi was honest with himself, it left an unpleasant feeling in his chest.
When Kamenashi came back to the dorm around midnight, Yamapi was still up, nursing a cup of coffee. Kamenashi stopped where he was, looked at Yamapi and let a disgruntled sigh leave his lips.
“I’m still mad at you,” he said harshly, “but you do realize that coffee is not going to help you, right?”
“It’ll help me not sleep for as long as possible,” Yamapi countered, and he couldn’t help wondering if Kamenashi had been with Nishikido, and if the two of them were like what they were in his dreams. But Yamapi wasn’t the same as in his dreams, right? But…
“You look terrible,” Kamenashi retorted as he sat down across from him, “Have you looked in a mirror lately?” he asked. Yamapi thought he could smell the scent of alcohol on Kamenashi’s breath but ignored it.
“I try not to.” Yamapi said dully, “So, I suppose that was a barb at my looks from Nishikido earlier today.”
Kamenashi stilled at that, looking hesitantly at Yamapi now.
“Who exactly is he?” Yamapi asked trying to sound nonchalant, but sort of failing. He was too curious - both because of his nightmares and because of the man’s possible relation to Kamenashi.
“I knew him back in high school.” Kamenashi said idly.
Yamapi raised an eyebrow at that, trying to sound calm as he asked, “Our high school?” he wondered, sure that he would remember it, but…then again, back then, his nightmares weren’t like this. They weren’t even nightmares back then, just flashes of images attacking him at random times - assuming they were even related to each other.
“No, he went to high school with Uchi,” Kamenashi said, “I met him through Uchi.”
“Oh.” Yamapi said lamely, “Strange how it works out that both Uchi and he attend university here.” He commented.
“Not really,” Kamenashi said with a shrug, “Ryo started here last year. Uchi and I visited a few times and liked it. You were the real surprise. I thought I wouldn’t see you again after high school ended.” He said matter-of-factly.
Yamapi acknowledged that with a nod, “I thought so too.” He admitted.
There was silence for a long while.
Yamapi thought hard about how to bring the subject back to Nishikido Ryo - he wanted to know whether it was just a coincidence, or whether it was something else…
He wanted, no - needed, to know.
“Seriously though, get some sleep,” Kamenashi said in a hard tone of voice, “You’re not doing yourself any favours by forcing yourself to become an insomniac.”
“It’s better than the alternative.” Yamapi shot back; he couldn’t help it. How could Kamenashi understand anything? He didn’t understand anything, wasn’t plagued with these nightmares like Yamapi was; Kamenashi was blissfully unaware of anything strange.
“What, sleeping?” Kamenashi retorted, “You’re going to go insane at this rate.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m already nearly insane,” Yamapi snapped, “If what I’m seeing in my dreams is anything to go by!”
A stony silence fell between them.
Kamenashi looked like he wanted to say something, probably something comforting, but in the end, he let out a sigh, standing up, “It’s not like you’re going to confide in me so that I can try to help, and it’s not like you’re going to try to help yourself.” He said bitterly, “I think I liked it better when you had no idea I liked you.”
Yamapi felt his heart stop a little right then and there.
Was Kamenashi regretting -
Well, of course he was regretting telling Yamapi anything about his feelings. Yamapi had turned them down and, instead of just leaving Kamenashi to recover from that, Yamapi was making Kamenashi worry about him, because of his nightmares, and he often woke Kamenashi up with his nightmares as well. Of course he was regretting ever telling Yamapi anything. Kamenashi was probably trying his best to move on, to deal with the rejection, but Yamapi was there every day, pulling Kamenashi back in with his problems.
Yamapi’s breath caught in his throat.
But he couldn’t bring himself to push Kamenashi away on purpose, or let go of Kamenashi, not right now. Not even when he was probably hurting Kamenashi more by staying around. The knowledge that Kamenashi sort of understood him, it was the only salvation he had right now.
“I…” he struggled to say the words, “You’ll leave, for good, if I ever tell you what these dreams are about.” He whispered, so softly that he almost hoped that Kamenashi hadn’t heard it.
“You don't know that,” Kamenashi said, swallowing hard, as he stared at Yamapi.
“You will,” Yamapi insisted, fear evident in his voice now, “I don’t understand anything that’s going on, except that I know you’ll hate me once you find out. You’ll leave, and right now, you’re the only -”
He stopped, gulping, trying to find the courage to say what he had wanted to say many times before.
He stood up, reaching forward and, hesitantly, traced his fingers along the dark circles under Kamenashi’s eyes, a result, he knew, from his lie to Kamenashi and from waking up nearly every night because of Yamapi.
Kamenashi had frozen where he was, not daring to move.
“You’re the only one keeping me sane,” Yamapi said softly, fearfully, “And that’s why I can’t let you get close or find out, because when you’re gone, I’ll have nothing left.”
* * *
-----> part 4
Written for: reddorozette
Pairing: pikame (& a bit of ryokame)
Words: 36 427
Rating: PG-15? (somewhere between PG-13 and R)
Notes: thank you very much to my beta!!!!! <3333
Summary: From the first moment that he met Kamenashi Kazuya, Yamashita Tomohisa knew, just knew, that somehow, he had done something horrible to the younger boy. Is it possible to hate someone in one life, but love them in the next? In one life, Yamashita Tomohisa murdered Kamenashi Kazuya but in this life, he's in love with him...
--
Tomohisa’s upper lip curled up in distaste when, on an early morning walk around the estate, he came upon the sight of his half-brother’s lover in the distance. Turning around to avoid Kazuya never even crossed his mind, as he sauntered in the same direction he had been going before.
It wasn’t long before Kazuya spotted him, and he smiled nervously, offering a nod in greeting.
“Good morning, Tomohisa,” Kazuya said cordially.
“Morning,” Tomohisa returned in a cool tone, “Where’s Ryo?”
“He appears to still be asleep,” Kazuya said, expression changing into a more eager one the moment he had mentioned Ryo’s name. A smile blossomed on the younger man’s face - a smile that Tomohisa wanted very much to crush.
“Ah yes, of course, he doesn’t need to abide to the strict rules set by my father as he is the heir and doesn’t need to have any ounce of self-discipline,” Tomohisa said, his tone light but his words cutting.
Kazuya’s smile fell as quickly as it had appeared, brown eyes showing his shock at his words.
“I’m sure your father -”
“But of course, my father is just as fond of you as he is of my brother. One wonders how he has room in his heart for someone not even from his family, someone who was the reason why his son and heir abandoned the family for two years, when he has no room in that heart for his second son.” Tomohisa continued, aware of Kazuya’s increasingly uncomfortable expression.
“I -”
“Then again, you are from the prestigious Kamenashi family. It is a political alliance that he would do anything to get his hands on.”
“Lord Nishikido has been extremely kind and gracious -”
“And there’s also the fact that you are the third son of your family. Is that what attracted you to my brother? Because he is the heir and you’re doomed to inherit a mediocre title after your older brothers are through with the heritance?” Tomohisa continued, “I must admit, it’s a plan worthy of any devious mind.”
Kazuya’s eyes had widened and he adopted an angry expression, “I love Ryo -”
“Yes, you say that. But really, who would have thought that the third son of the Kamenashi family would be able to rise to being the intended of the future Lord Nishikido? It is so fortunate that my father thinks the political ties with your family are worth the trouble of Ryo not marrying a woman of his status who can bear the children of the Nishikido line. How long do you think this ‘love’ will last when Ryo eventually has to take a consort for that purpose?”
Kazuya’s face had paled, and Tomohisa felt delighted in knowing that he had touched a nerve.
Of course, he had already figured that at best, Ryo would need to have a consort, a female to carry on the family line, if he wanted to be with Kazuya. It was something both of them had had to accept when they returned to the family. He hoped that was the path that his father would insist on. Maybe it would prompt Ryo to run away with his lover again, and he would have a chance at the lordship.
After all, there were only so many times his father would forgive his heir right?
“I - I see Ryo.” Kazuya said, sucking in his breath as though he was withholding what he really wanted to say to Tomohisa - none of it good probably. He left quickly, and there was an aura of hurt and anger about him. Tomohisa smirked to himself.
That smirk faded when, from the distance, he could see Ryo shooting a glare at him, before he stroked his lover’s cheek with a reassuring smile.
Then, Ryo looked in his direction again, and Tomohisa could see that he would soon begin to regret his callous words.
He braced himself for grovelling to his father to explain his actions.
As if to prove him right, Ryo came over, Kazuya standing a distance away, looking anywhere but at Tomohisa.
“Father approves of our relationship, Tomohisa.” He said harshly, “You may not, but you will stop this or I will make sure you regret it.” He said fiercely, “I will do anything for him. Whether you like it or not.”
Tomohisa merely bowed his head in recognition.
Once Ryo returned to Kazuya, Tomohisa finally looked up and let the snarl of anger and hatred stain his lips.
* * *
When he woke again, Yamapi was uncomfortably aware of a sharp sense of fear in his heart, and in an almost desperate manner, he forced himself out of bed, more than aware that it was probably an ungodly hour at night again. He wrenched open his room door to find the rest of the dorm in near complete darkness. The glowing digital letters of the stove clock showed him that it was three in the morning, and despite that, he still stumbled in the direction of Kamenashi’s room.
He had to make sure it wasn’t real; he had to make sure that those dark feelings were only in his dreams, that the hurt he so eagerly dealt out in his nightmares wasn’t real.
He was ready to barrel into Kamenashi’s room, whether the younger man got angry at him or not, just to make sure that it hadn’t been real.
Instead, he found that Kamenashi’s door wasn’t locked and he opened it loudly and almost violently.
Seeing Kamenashi in his bed was a relief, seeing Kamenashi with posters of baseball teams above his head was an even bigger relief.
Yamapi breathed out a loud sigh. He held a hand over his heart, which was beating erratically; those dark, vicious emotions he felt in his nightmares were becoming more and more real with each nightmare. They were getting darker and stronger, and what they left him feeling when he woke up scared the hell out of him.
“Yamashita?”
Yamapi froze, both physically and mentally, when he realized that practically crashing into Kamenashi’s room wasn’t the best idea. The noise had woken Kamenashi up, and the younger man was sitting up in bed, looking annoyed as he stared at the figure in his doorway.
Yamapi had two choices.
He could stand there and lie to Kamenashi - again, a nasty little voice said in his mind.
Or he could just bolt out of there and hope Kamenashi thought it was a dream.
Yamapi chose the second option.
It was only too bad that the time it had taken him to reach that decision had given Kamenashi time to become more alert and he was already heading toward Yamapi by the time Yamapi chose to run.
So, Yamapi let out a yelp when he felt a sharp jolt of pain in the top of his head and he fell to the ground. He looked up at Kamenashi with surprised eyes, “You pulled my hair!” he accused.
Kamenashi crossed his arms, “You invaded my room at…three am,” he added in a duller tone when he saw what time it was.
“I -” Yamapi tried to come up with an explanation. A good one. That didn’t involve explaining that he had constant nightmares that involved a form of himself lashing out at a form of Kamenashi, which left him shuddering at the dark feelings in the nightmare form of himself’s heart.
Kamenashi let out a long sigh, rolling his eyes, “Let me guess. Another nightmare in which you wake up screaming like someone’s been murdered?”
Yamapi winced at the wording, something that Kamenashi noticed unfortunately.
“Yamashita,” Kamenashi said in a tone that was strangely a cross between stern and soft, “You do know that these nightmares aren’t healthy right?” he asked, lips turning into a frown.
Yamapi stilled.
“There must be a reason you’re having these nightmares, and if you need me to help you find someone to talk to -” he continued in an almost awkward way.
It took a while for Yamapi to realize what Kamenashi was trying to say.
“I don’t need to see a shrink!” he yelped loudly - and in fear, and violently flinched away from Kamenashi, “I don’t need to talk to anyone about this because there’s nothing wrong!”
Kamenashi stared at him in a ‘do you think I’m stupid?’ sort of way, and Yamapi stared back at him, stubbornly. While this happened, Yamapi was strangely aware of the fact that Kamenashi seemed to have bags under his eyes, and he had an overwhelming sense of resignation about him.
Because of your lie to him, idiot, that voice in his head said snippily.
“I…”
Yamapi suddenly felt terrible; this hurt, he had done this to Kamenashi, by lying, by being a coward; how was that any different from what the form of himself in his nightmares did?
“I’m sorry,” he whispered suddenly, standing and reaching up without realizing he was doing it; his fingertips brushed softly over the dark circles under Kamenashi’s eyes, “I -”
“Don’t,” Kamenashi bit out, wrenching himself away from Yamapi’s hand, “I don’t need your pity.”
Pity. Wasn’t it pity that had Kamenashi asking him about his nightmares? To ask if he needed to talk to someone?
“You’re giving me yours,” Yamapi tried to counter, without thinking, flinching once he said those words, “You tried to make me sleep. You don’t have any right to pity me and do that.” He said harshly.
“I’m not endangering myself by liking you,” Kamenashi said coldly, before he reached out and pushed Yamapi out of his room, “It’s not something pitiable, but you’re waking up violently each night. There’s a difference. What keeps me up at night isn’t worrisome and endangering my own health. Sorry for trying to help.”
The door slammed in Yamapi’s face.
* * *
As Tomohisa had expected, it wasn’t long before his father called him into his office, and he knew that Ryo must have informed him of what he had said.
“I heard that you exchanged…words,” his father paused at that word, a light disdainful hint to his voice, “with our guest.” He said sternly.
“I -” Tomohisa started, but then he bit his tongue, “I suppose Ryo told you?” he said bitingly.
“Do not blame your brother for your actions, Tomohisa,” his father snapped irritably, “I find it deplorable that you would go out of your way to insult and make less than honourable insinuations about a guest in the Nishikido household.”
Tomohisa bit his tongue again.
“Your brother brought it to my attention not out of some irritating childish need to get others in trouble, much like what you are prone to do, but so that I can have a proper talk with you to prepare you for the fact that this joining of the families is happening and so that you will not further embarrass our family name by making such insinuations when the time for the joining ceremony approaches.”
Tomohisa wanted to scoff; Ryo was just angry that he had upset his lover. It wasn’t because of some honourable attempt at caring for the family name. If Ryo had cared that much about the family name, he would never have run off two years ago with Kazuya and forsaken his status as the heir so that he could be with Kazuya. Tomohisa felt his blood boil; if it had been him, his father would have never allowed him to set foot back on the estate again, never mind reinstating him as the heir once more, or even welcoming the one he had run off with.
But because it had been Ryo, stupid perfect first-born legitimate son Ryo, Tomohisa’s brother had been welcomed back with open arms.
Anger bubbling just under the surface, Tomohisa’s eyes narrowed, “What will you do about the family line? I doubt Ryo will have any inclination to have a consort, with the way he’s acting.”
“Ryo and Kazuya both understood that if they were to return to their families after their…excursion, they would have certain obligations to fulfill.”
“They will be illegitimate children, will they not? Much like me.”
“I will arrange a proper consort when the time comes, to bear a son to this family.” His father said coolly.
“He would still be illegitimate.” Tomohisa argued, “I, however, have no inclinations to shrink from my duties as your son unlike -”
“Unlike your mother, Ryo’s consort will be someone proper for his status.” Lord Nishikido said loudly and coldly, “Which is why, no matter what, you will never be the head of this family.”
“I am your son as well!” Tomohisa tried, eyes narrowing.
“Your mother was a servant, a loose woman whose only worth was in her looks when she was young, and completely unfitting to bear the heir of the Nishikido family!” his father roared, “The difference between you and Ryo is that fact - my wife was from a perfectly respectful and prestigious family, and Ryo’s consort will be as well. No commoner blood has any place being the head of this noble family!”
“That’s what it comes down to - that my mother was a commoner?”
“You bear her family name for a reason,” his father snapped, “Both of you should have been grateful I allowed her to stay even when she was of no use to this household anymore.”
Tomohisa balled his fists and his jaw clenched.
“You will never be my heir, Tomohisa,” his father said in a dangerous tone, “Your brother is. Now cease with this childish behaviour before I really lose my temper.”
There were a multitude of things that Tomohisa wanted to shout at his father, but instead, he bowed his head respectfully. Anger burned intensely in his eyes, but he kept his head down to hide it from his father.
One day, he thought, when you, old man, are disappointed by your precious heir once again, I will make you beg and apologize for ever doubting me. For ever insulting me. For looking down on me.
With that, he left the office, not slamming the door behind him but as soon as he was out of range of his father’s office, he went on a rampage the rest of the way to his room.
Tomohisa was in a towering rage for most of the day, and the servants carefully avoided him. It was just unlucky, or perhaps, lucky, depending on whose perspective it was from, that he came across one of the two people who either did not know to avoid him or weren’t afraid of him.
Kazuya eyed him warily as Tomohisa approached him, a fake smile on the older man’s face, “Evening, Kazuya.” He said with jerky wave.
Was it obvious that he was furious? Probably.
“Evening,” Kazuya greeted, allowing a hesitant smile to grace his lips. Tomohisa wanted to wipe that stupid smile off of the younger man’s face.
He let the rage cover his face, and swung back to strike the younger man; Kazuya let out a surprised sound, most likely thinking that he was safe in this household, and moved to block the hit, but it was for naught; Tomohisa stopped just short of Kazuya’s face, and he leaned in, “Be happy as long as you can, Kazuya, I promise you that I will be my father’s heir no matter what it takes. Watch your back. And you may as well try to watch my brother’s too.” His eyes hardened as he stared at Kazuya’s shocked expression. He leaned to the side a little to whisper into Kazuya’s ear, “I will destroy both of you if that’s what it takes.”
He left before Kazuya could recover from hearing that, taking enjoyment in the horrified shock that was on the younger man’s face. Any anger the younger man would have felt at being attacked so suddenly was replaced by that horrified shock. A smirk crossed his lips and Tomohisa hummed under his breath, happy now that he had ruined someone else’s day.
* * *
Yamapi ran a hand through his wet hair, staring at his reflection in the fogged up mirror. He didn’t look quite that terrible, but he felt as though a monster truck had run him over - many times. His whole body was sore, though that was probably just from being tired. He was utterly exhausted these days, so much so that even if he did go to class, he would need the strongest coffee he could find just to stay awake. He was determined not to fall asleep in class, because he really didn’t need anyone else finding out about his nightmares.
It was obvious though that things would be very awkward with Kamenashi for a while.
Like today.
Both of them sat in the main area of their dorm room, eating breakfast. Neither of them spoke, and although Yamapi would look up from time to time, trying to figure out what to say, he couldn’t think of anything that would make the situation better.
The guilt of lying to Kamenashi about his feelings was eating him up inside. The fact that these nightmares were getting worse, and darker, was not helping at all. The realization he had come to that he was hurting Kamenashi just as much with his lies as his dream-self was hurting dream Kamenashi with his words and viciousness was something that made him feel nauseous.
That was why he was also picking at his breakfast, poking at the cereal with his spoon.
Kamenashi ignored him; Yamapi couldn’t blame him. What he did was compare Kamenashi's feelings for him with these violent nightmares. It was a mix of insulting and hurtful; Yamapi wasn't sure that, if the situations were reversed, he would forgive himself.
After all, Kamenashi had just been trying to help.
He didn't even have any reason to - he should have been avoiding Yamapi, angry at Yamapi for rejecting him. He did it because he was probably worried, and what did Yamapi do? He threw that concern right back into Kamenashi's face.
Yamapi stabbed at the cereal with his spoon.
He lifted his head when he heard movement, and locked eyes with Kamenashi for a moment. The younger man probably hadn't been expecting that, because for a brief moment, Yamapi saw a flash of wistful pain, hurt, and confusion. Then, just like that, it was gone.
Kamenashi turned his head away and, standing up, he headed for his room.
Yamapi looked at his cereal and pushed it away, a bile taste in the back of his mouth.
He needed to get out.
"I'm stepping out for a bit," he told Kamenashi, a bit awkwardly.
The only indication that Kamenashi even heard him was the slight pause in the younger man's step. Then, Kamenashi was closing his room’s door behind him.
Yamapi took a deep breath and headed outside, walking aimlessly once he left the residence hall. It was a little cold out, but not that cold, so he could get by without his jacket. He let out a shuddering breath.
He didn't know what to do anymore.
He was barely hanging onto his sanity, it seemed. He couldn’t sleep properly at night; that was, on the days he did sleep. He often tried to stay awake just to avoid the inevitable nightmares. The one person who sort of understood, he had pushed him away. He was slowly going crazy from all this, if he wasn't already crazy.
He had to be crazy, to have those nightmares.
It wasn't possible for them to be anything else but delusional dreams. The question was why he was having nightmares of him, Kamenashi, and some other guy, in some older time period, and why he was so…dark in these dreams.
Maybe it was a manifestation of something deep within himself? Like a personality within himself that he had no idea about? That would sort of make sense…if it was some dark part of himself, that he had no idea about, it would need to manifest itself in some way right?
It was certainly easier to believe that than the other possibility - like the possibility that these dreams were something more than dreams, that they held a sort of reality to them and…
No, that wasn't possible. These dreams weren't real or anything like that. They couldn’t be. It was all just a delusion in his mind, a figment of a dark part of his personality.
He would rather accept that he had a dark side that came out in his dreams rather than acknowledge that perhaps these dreams were real and that was his real self. That was why there were people he didn't know in those nightmares, because they were made up by his imagination. It was just coincidence that Kamenashi was in them, right? Because maybe, those images he had once had around Kamenashi, once they stopped, he had attributed them to Kamenashi, and that had caused him to create a figment of Kamenashi in his dreams?
Yamapi was so caught up in these thoughts that he didn't notice where he was walking. He was near the other side of campus by the time he looked up from his thoughts, just in time to see a dark shape loom in front of him.
"Ow!" Yamapi yelped as he crashed right into someone from behind.
"Watch where you're going!" a voice snapped.
Yamapi froze; that voice, it was familiar, like something he should remember, from a long time ago -
"Seriously, watch where you're going, you klutz," the voice continued. Yamapi looked up, eyes widening.
It wasn't possible. It really wasn't possible.
A face that existed only in his dreams stared down at him.
"What the hell? Are you just going to stare at me all day? Are you okay or not?"
It wasn't happening. This wasn't happening.
Dark eyes were the last thing Yamapi remembered before his grasp of reality slipped from him and everything went black.
* * *
Tomohisa pretended to the world that he was, at the very least, welcoming of the situation when the Kamenashi family arrived at the estate. If Ryo had any inkling about what was really going on in his half-brother’s mind, he showed no sign of it. Kazuya kept his mouth shut after a few well-placed warnings from Tomohisa. Not that he needed them; it seemed that Kazuya felt as though keeping quiet and watching Tomohisa with a wary eye, waiting for him to do something out of line, was the best way to deal with the situation.
It was smart, much as Tomohisa hated to admit.
If he’d done anything, like tell Lord Nishikido, Tomohisa would probably have been sent away somewhere, but Tomohisa would still be planning, and Kazuya would have no way to keep that careful, suspicious watch on the second Nishikido son.
It was smart, because Tomohisa was planning.
He had already chased away two potential consorts of Ryo’s, or so he had assumed that they were potential consorts. Why else would those two high-class noble women have been visiting his estate? They were both from lower upper-class families and had enough older siblings that their marriage wouldn’t even be noticed by the public, invisible if not for the fact that they had a chance to create an alliance with the Nishikido family.
One had, not-so-willingly, been convinced that it would be in her best interest to convince her family that being a consort wasn’t the best decision.
The other had been more stubborn, but a few well-timed conversations overheard by Tomohisa’s father were enough to convince his father that she was a poor choice.
Tomohisa smirked to himself.
The approval of Ryo’s relationship relied on his ability to ensure that he would have a child, thus the consorts; if the consort option failed, it wasn’t likely that his father would approve so readily of their relationship. Then, judging from past behaviour, Ryo would abandon the family once more to be with Kazuya. All he needed was to get Ryo out of the way.
“I know what you’re doing,” Kazuya’s voice startled Tomohisa out of his mental celebration.
Tomohisa whirled around, fixing a vicious glare at his brother’s intended, “What?” he asked innocently.
“You chased both of those girls away,” Kazuya accused, in a harsh tone.
“Why Kazuya, you almost sounded menacing right then and there.” Tomohisa taunted.
“It’s not going to work.”
“Of course it is. Besides, shouldn’t you be helping me with my plan?” Tomohisa said with a smirk, “After all, a consort means that Ryo will have to be in someone else’s bed for a while until a child is conceived. How awful you must feel, being told that the one you love will be made to cheat on you.”
Kazuya’s expression tightened, his jaw clenched, and for a moment Tomohisa was reminded that Kazuya had two older brothers whom he could give a decent challenge to, and sometimes beat when competing in sport activities at home.
“Ryo is only thinking of our future, so I’ll do the same. It will be difficult, but I have been prepared for this for months, ever since we accepted your father’s terms for coming back. You can’t hurt me with those words,” he said bitingly, “And you can’t hurt me physically like you did to that girl; I found her crying with a sprained wrist,” he said with disgust clear in his voice, “I don’t know how you could ever be related to Ryo or Lord Nishikido.”
Tomohisa’s eyes darkened, “Why don’t you run along?” he snarled.
“I will; unlike you, I actually have people who want me around.” Kazuya threw back at him before walking away. Tomohisa debated the wisdom of hitting Kazuya for that, but in the end, with a growl, he turned and stalked away. He could hear the younger man call out a “Ryo!” with an obvious laugh in his voice, and he clenched his fist so hard it hurt.
Once he was in his own room, he slammed his fist against the wall, “Both of you are going down one day, I’ll make sure that you’ll both know I’m better than both of you. I deserve everything and you’ll get nothing.” He promised.
* * *
Yamapi woke up to being poked, and when he opened his eyes, he saw a pair of dark ones staring down at him. His felt the blood drain from his face when he registered the face of the man, but when another face popped into his vision, Yamapi felt himself let loose a long, deep breath.
“Hey Sleeping - well, sleeping guy.” The dark-eyed man said with a smirk and a drawl. Yamapi was pretty sure that was a barb toward how he looked, but ignored it for now. He was trying his best not to hyperventilate at the sight of the man, a familiar face that had appeared only in his dreams.
Until now.
He was reassured by the sight of Uchi though - and the fact that he was clearly in his own room.
Uchi punched the dark-haired man lightly in the shoulder and frowned disapprovingly at Yamapi, “Maybe I need to give you that tea again.” He commented.
Yamapi shook his head, and then he blinked, “What happened?” he asked aloud.
“What happened? What happened? What happened was that you collapsed on the other side of campus and I had to drag you back to your dorm.” Uchi said with obvious disapproval, “Obviously slipping you sleep-inducing tea once wasn’t enough.”
“Drag?” the stranger that Yamapi could barely let himself to look at scoffed, “You didn’t drag anyone Hiroki. I did.”
“Shut up Ryo!” Uchi protested in embarrassment.
Yamapi felt his heart stop completely, and his body go cold.
Ryo.
This guy was named Ryo.
The same face, the same name…
Wait, there was a chance right? There was a chance that it wasn’t the same -
“By the way, this jackass is Nishikido Ryo.” Uchi continued, and Yamapi felt all hope leave him.
It was the same name, damn it.
“Kazuya was in class at that time, and we texted him and he’s on his way over,” Uchi said brightly, “And in case you didn’t figure it out already - wouldn’t surprise me,” he added under his breath with a smirk at Nishikido, “This is Kazuya’s roommate, Yamashita Tomohisa.”
Yamapi wasn’t sure if he wanted to scream or cry right now.
Nishikido swatted Uchi over the head for the comment, but after a moment, he turned back to Yamapi; for a moment, Yamapi thought he saw a flicker of recognition in the other man’s eyes, but it was gone when he blinked. He must have been imagining it.
“Ah, the stalker.”
“I’m not a stalker!” Yamapi yelped, face heating up. Uchi must have been telling stories.
Before Uchi could say anything - and from the grin on his face, it couldn’t have been good - the main door opened and Kamenashi walked in. The younger man threw his books on the kitchen table before stalking to Yamapi’s room.
He stood there, arms crossed, before finally asking in a surprisingly soft tone, “Are you okay?”
Yamapi felt his face heat up and his heart beat a bit too quickly at the show of concern, even more so when there were other people around, “I’m fine,” he insisted with a mumble, wishing he could burrow himself under his covers and not come out for a long time.
Kamenashi stared at him.
“I’m fine! Really!” he insisted. He was uncomfortably aware that only a few nights ago, he had rejected Kamenashi’s concern and threw it in the younger man’s face. At least he was telling the truth this time.
“Good.” Kamenashi turned, allowing a grateful look to cross his face, before he adopted an indifferent one like the one he had sported for days now.
Then, to Yamapi’s surprise, he turned and punched Nishikido in the arm - hard, it seemed, because the dark-haired man stumbled back a bit.
“Oi!”
“That’s for telling Uchi to drug me,” Kamenashi said with a glare.
“It wasn’t a drug! It was just tea! And it was your plan and you bought the tea yourself!” was Uchi’s protest.
“I had to do something. It was like you were purposely trying to ugly yourself. I see you’ve invented a new way to say hello.” Nishikido sniped.
“You deserve it.”
“I know another way to say hello too. It involves you kissing me, among other things.” He smirked.
“I’ll stick with my way.” Kamenashi retorted, before breaking into a grin and wrapped his arm around Nishikido in a much friendlier greeting, “Nice seeing you, Ryo.” He said in a cheerful tone.
Yamapi stared at the two of them, wondering what was going on. One minute Nishikido was getting punched, and the next, he was getting something akin to a hug. Somehow, he was even more surprised by it than by the presence of Nishikido Ryo, who had the exact same name and face as the one in his nightmares. The theory that Yamapi had wanted to cling onto so badly, that it was all a dream he made up, was dying in front of his very eyes.
It was barely hanging on for dear life.
What does this mean? Yamapi thought, panicked, as he watched Nishikido and Kamenashi. Together. Close together - like in his dreams and nightmares. What if…? He shook his head to keep himself from thinking of that, but his heart still clenched painfully.
Uchi grinned, obviously amused at this scene, “Hey guys, take your love fest elsewhere, I don’t think we want Yamashita to faint again.”
“I did not faint!” Yamapi protested, “I was just…taking a nap.” He tried lamely.
He got three incredulous looks in response.
Yamapi slouched, “Shut up,” he muttered.
For a brief moment, he had the courage to look up at Kamenashi, who was staring back at him with an indiscernible look in his eyes. A moment later though, he stood up, “Let’s leave my roommate alone.” He said tightly, ushering his friends out of Yamapi’s room.
Neither complained, and Kamenashi paused at the door, “You should rest,” he said in a soft tone that Yamapi wished didn’t break his heart as much as it did.
He almost wished he had the courage to call Kamenashi back, to ask him to stay, to talk with him…
But he didn’t, and the last thing Yamapi saw before the door closed was a set of troubled, brown eyes.
* * *
To Tomohisa’s utter distaste, he found that the weeks leading up to the joining ceremony were filled with nothing but Ryo and Kazuya. Even if he wasn’t around them, they were all anybody could talk about; they were the center of attention for everyone. Finding even an hour where he wouldn’t have to be reminded of those two was a near miracle.
That was why he was currently hiding in one of the smaller gardens, hoping that he would be left alone - or that at least nobody would stumble upon him and drag him to help out or to talk about the upcoming ceremony.
He didn’t know why he was being asked - it wasn’t as though he cared all that much about the ceremony. He was pretty angry that it was still happening though.
He was peeved that Ryo and Kazuya hadn’t broken under the pressure and run off to avoid a life without a consort where they could be with each other. It seemed he had underestimated Ryo - he was determined to go through with this. That was a surprising twist in Tomohisa’s plan, as he would have figured that eventually, neither of them would be able to take the idea of Ryo cheating out of necessity and bail.
Tomohisa heard a noise and instantly moved so that he was hidden by some shrubs, rolling his eyes. The estate was filled with people - extended family members of both families had shown up here and it was like a circus had come into town.
Tomohisa hated it. He had to control his actions even in his own home now, and he couldn’t do anything with all these people around. He hadn’t even been able to scare the latest consort away, because it felt as though everywhere he went, there was someone there.
He peeked through the shrub to see who it was and rolled his eyes when he saw one of Kazuya’s brothers with his small child. The child was giggling as she held onto her father’s hand and a squeal of happiness made Tomohisa wince.
“Kouji-nii, there you are,” he heard Kazuya say brightly, “Hey there,” he added in a softer voice, obviously greeting his niece. Tomohisa, despite himself, turned to watch, wondering if this would give him more material to use against Kazuya. The younger man was wary of him, wary of his schemes, and he needed any advantage he could get.
“You’re the cutest child ever,” Kazuya was proclaiming as he lifted his niece into his arms, “I can’t wait until Ryo has a child!”
Tomohisa started at that.
Even Kazuya’s brother looked surprised, “Kazuya, are you…sure you’re fine with this arrangement?” he asked hesitantly.
Kazuya blinked, settling the child down on the ground,, “Of course. I love Ryo. Why wouldn’t I be fine with this ceremony?”
“Because of the consort…he’ll be forced to be unfaithful to you while he tries to conceive a child with a random woman chosen by his father.”
Kazuya stilled at that, before he offered a bright smile at Kouji that made Tomohisa want to gag, “I accepted that months ago, Kouji-nii. If anything, it will be more difficult for Ryo because he’s the one who has to be unfaithful. But I’ve told him over and over again that even if it’s an…uncomfortable and painful subject right now, as long as his feelings for me never change then I’ll be fine with it.”
“That’s…surprising,” Kouji acknowledged, staring at his younger brother.
Tomohisa felt all his plans crash down around him. Damn it - what was the point of getting rid of consorts if it didn’t upset Kazuya enough?!
“Besides,” Kazuya continued, “Once this ceremony takes place, what’s mine is Ryo’s and what’s Ryo’s is mine. So essentially, the children that come with it eventually will be mine as well.”
Tomohisa really wanted to throw up now. No wonder his brother fell for Kazuya - Ryo, even if he didn’t admit it, was into the idealistic type, the ones that refused to back down and looked on the positive side of things. Tomohisa hated those types; it was harder to get them to admit defeat.
Tomohisa startled when he felt a hand poke him in the cheek. He blinked to see that the child had found him, for the little girl’s large brown eyes were staring at him and she was giggling. Tomohisa glared, annoyed at being found out by a two-year-old.
“One of these days,” he said to her, “I’m going to get rid of your uncle once and for all.” He snarled, “Now get away from me!” he hissed, making sure to hide in the bushes well enough that nobody could find him.
The little girl stared at him, before scrunching up her face and toddling away with a wail. Tomohisa felt utterly satisfied and he waited until the two Kamenashi men and that child were gone before he began seething at the confirmation that none of his present plans would work.
It was obvious that he needed to get rid of Ryo some other way.
* * *
Yamapi spent the rest of the day in the dorm, not bothering to go to class. He didn’t go to class very much anymore, not since these nightmares had started getting worse and worse. The things he did, the dark emotions and thoughts of his, in those nightmares were taking its toll on him in reality. Meeting Nishikido Ryo today and finding out that he was a real person was a shock, seeing him and Kamenashi together, acting much like they did in those dreams was an even bigger shock.
And if Yamapi was honest with himself, it left an unpleasant feeling in his chest.
When Kamenashi came back to the dorm around midnight, Yamapi was still up, nursing a cup of coffee. Kamenashi stopped where he was, looked at Yamapi and let a disgruntled sigh leave his lips.
“I’m still mad at you,” he said harshly, “but you do realize that coffee is not going to help you, right?”
“It’ll help me not sleep for as long as possible,” Yamapi countered, and he couldn’t help wondering if Kamenashi had been with Nishikido, and if the two of them were like what they were in his dreams. But Yamapi wasn’t the same as in his dreams, right? But…
“You look terrible,” Kamenashi retorted as he sat down across from him, “Have you looked in a mirror lately?” he asked. Yamapi thought he could smell the scent of alcohol on Kamenashi’s breath but ignored it.
“I try not to.” Yamapi said dully, “So, I suppose that was a barb at my looks from Nishikido earlier today.”
Kamenashi stilled at that, looking hesitantly at Yamapi now.
“Who exactly is he?” Yamapi asked trying to sound nonchalant, but sort of failing. He was too curious - both because of his nightmares and because of the man’s possible relation to Kamenashi.
“I knew him back in high school.” Kamenashi said idly.
Yamapi raised an eyebrow at that, trying to sound calm as he asked, “Our high school?” he wondered, sure that he would remember it, but…then again, back then, his nightmares weren’t like this. They weren’t even nightmares back then, just flashes of images attacking him at random times - assuming they were even related to each other.
“No, he went to high school with Uchi,” Kamenashi said, “I met him through Uchi.”
“Oh.” Yamapi said lamely, “Strange how it works out that both Uchi and he attend university here.” He commented.
“Not really,” Kamenashi said with a shrug, “Ryo started here last year. Uchi and I visited a few times and liked it. You were the real surprise. I thought I wouldn’t see you again after high school ended.” He said matter-of-factly.
Yamapi acknowledged that with a nod, “I thought so too.” He admitted.
There was silence for a long while.
Yamapi thought hard about how to bring the subject back to Nishikido Ryo - he wanted to know whether it was just a coincidence, or whether it was something else…
He wanted, no - needed, to know.
“Seriously though, get some sleep,” Kamenashi said in a hard tone of voice, “You’re not doing yourself any favours by forcing yourself to become an insomniac.”
“It’s better than the alternative.” Yamapi shot back; he couldn’t help it. How could Kamenashi understand anything? He didn’t understand anything, wasn’t plagued with these nightmares like Yamapi was; Kamenashi was blissfully unaware of anything strange.
“What, sleeping?” Kamenashi retorted, “You’re going to go insane at this rate.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m already nearly insane,” Yamapi snapped, “If what I’m seeing in my dreams is anything to go by!”
A stony silence fell between them.
Kamenashi looked like he wanted to say something, probably something comforting, but in the end, he let out a sigh, standing up, “It’s not like you’re going to confide in me so that I can try to help, and it’s not like you’re going to try to help yourself.” He said bitterly, “I think I liked it better when you had no idea I liked you.”
Yamapi felt his heart stop a little right then and there.
Was Kamenashi regretting -
Well, of course he was regretting telling Yamapi anything about his feelings. Yamapi had turned them down and, instead of just leaving Kamenashi to recover from that, Yamapi was making Kamenashi worry about him, because of his nightmares, and he often woke Kamenashi up with his nightmares as well. Of course he was regretting ever telling Yamapi anything. Kamenashi was probably trying his best to move on, to deal with the rejection, but Yamapi was there every day, pulling Kamenashi back in with his problems.
Yamapi’s breath caught in his throat.
But he couldn’t bring himself to push Kamenashi away on purpose, or let go of Kamenashi, not right now. Not even when he was probably hurting Kamenashi more by staying around. The knowledge that Kamenashi sort of understood him, it was the only salvation he had right now.
“I…” he struggled to say the words, “You’ll leave, for good, if I ever tell you what these dreams are about.” He whispered, so softly that he almost hoped that Kamenashi hadn’t heard it.
“You don't know that,” Kamenashi said, swallowing hard, as he stared at Yamapi.
“You will,” Yamapi insisted, fear evident in his voice now, “I don’t understand anything that’s going on, except that I know you’ll hate me once you find out. You’ll leave, and right now, you’re the only -”
He stopped, gulping, trying to find the courage to say what he had wanted to say many times before.
He stood up, reaching forward and, hesitantly, traced his fingers along the dark circles under Kamenashi’s eyes, a result, he knew, from his lie to Kamenashi and from waking up nearly every night because of Yamapi.
Kamenashi had frozen where he was, not daring to move.
“You’re the only one keeping me sane,” Yamapi said softly, fearfully, “And that’s why I can’t let you get close or find out, because when you’re gone, I’ll have nothing left.”
* * *
-----> part 4