Fic for reddorozette (2/5)
Title: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow {2/5}
Written for: reddorozette
Pairing: pikame (& a bit of ryokame)
Words: 36 427
Rating: PG-15? (somewhere between PG-13 and R)
Notes: thank you very much to my beta!!!!! <3333
Summary: From the first moment that he met Kamenashi Kazuya, Yamashita Tomohisa knew, just knew, that somehow, he had done something horrible to the younger boy. Is it possible to hate someone in one life, but love them in the next? In one life, Yamashita Tomohisa murdered Kamenashi Kazuya but in this life, he's in love with him...
--
"What?” Yamapi heard the disbelieving shout as he sat in a sparse crowd of people, sitting in the bleachers by the baseball diamond. His eyes flickered toward the bench not too far from him.
Kamenashi sat on the bench, waiting for his turn up at the bat. Next to him was the classmate Yamapi now recognized as Kamenashi's friend. He also found out recently that he was named Uchi Hiroki; Uchi looked torn between laughing and sighing in exasperation at Kamenashi.
Kamenashi merely said something that Yamapi missed but got Uchi grinning like he had heard the most amusing thing ever. Curious, especially at seeing the matching grin on Kamenashi's face, Yamapi inched down the bleachers, trying to get closer. The voice in his head warned him that it was a bad idea but he ignored it.
Yamapi had sort of figured it out.
The nightmares were still plaguing him but he had yet to disturb people from their sleep with his screams again. That didn't mean he didn't wake up though. Yamapi had taken to sleeping on his stomach so that if anything he could muffle any screaming that occurred.
But, he wasn't yet convinced that Kamenashi had nothing to do with them. It was too much of a coincidence that these dreams intensified from little flashes to full-blown nightmares when he started to live in close quarters with Kamenashi, after years of them remaining the same. They definitely had something to do with Kamenashi - which explained why, even to this day, the initial feeling that he had done something horrible to
Kamenashi had never really faded.
But, Yamapi noticed; sometimes...
It was like these little nightmares were receptive to something...
All these years in which they had stayed the same - annoying but the same - Kamenashi had basically ignored his existence, or at least that was what Yamapi had thought. But perhaps...
It was confusing and he couldn't really make sense of exactly what triggered these, no matter how hard he thought about it, but all he knew was that it had something to do with Kamenashi, whether Kamenashi was aware of it or not. So far though, it seemed as though Kamenashi was far from being aware of it.
And that was why he had followed Kamenashi to his baseball game, so that he could try to observe Kamenashi, and from there, try to figure out what was it about Kamenashi that made these images appear. And perhaps he was just a little curious about what Kamenashi was like when he wasn't around Yamapi; he had witnessed a darker side to Kamenashi that he hadn't realized existed, and perhaps, he was bit affronted that
Kamenashi had a side that he didn't know about.
So he was here to watch the younger man.
And here was yet another side to Kamenashi, one that he had seen briefly a few times in junior high and high school. A side that seemed so normal, as opposed to Yamapi himself.
He had never deluded himself with thinking that he was normal; he was very well aware that everything about him, from the moment he entered middle school and met Kamenashi, had been abnormal.
Yamapi blinked when he heard Uchi stop talking and he surreptitiously looked over at the pair of friends, and nearly died right where he was when he saw Kamenashi looking at him, an eyebrow arched in a 'what are you doing?' sort of look. It was slightly similar to the look that Uchi had, except Uchi was looking like he sort of wanted to burst out laughing. Yamapi had a feeling that Uchi knew exactly who he was, from the way he was looking between Kamenashi and Yamapi with a little smirk playing on his lips.
Kamenashi looked away after a moment, turning back to Uchi with a 'look what I have to deal with' look on his face, and as the batters before them had gone, the two of them got up and went to take their place in line as next up to bat. As they passed him, despite the fact that Yamapi was trying his best to hide that he had been watching them, Uchi turned to look at him, an amused grin on his face, and Yamapi caught the words, "You've spent too much time around Ryo, Kazuya," for which Kamenashi pushed him lightly for, with a laugh.
Yamapi blinked, wondering who this Ryo was, but found himself just watching as Kamenashi went up to bat. Yamapi had gone to a few games of Kamenashi's back when they were in school; the younger man had simply gotten better over time at the sport which he obviously loved.
It was because Yamapi was so intently watching Kamenashi that he didn't realize that Uchi had backtracked to stand right next to him and he jumped when he heard Uchi's voice next to him, "So you're Kazuya's little pet problem," the dark-haired man said with a laugh at Yamapi's expression, which Yamapi was sure was both idiotic looking and confused. That was how he felt anyways.
"Wha -"
"Don't worry," Uchi said with a knowing smirk and a wink, "This cold, sarcastic, 'you're bothering me' thing he does...I think it's his way of flirting," Uchi said with a widening grin, "Or well, that's my theory. That's what you get, in my opinion, when you spend that much time with Ryo." he said musingly before his name was called impatiently, and he went running to home plate and picked up the bat.
Yamapi followed Uchi's path and then his eyes flickered over to first base where Kamenashi was looking at him; a moment later, Kamenashi turned his head away from Yamapi flippantly, ignoring Yamapi once again.
* * *
Uchi was totally wrong, Yamapi thought as the week passed. There was no way that Kamenashi's blatant acts of ignoring him were really strange methods of flirting. Not that he thought about it that much.
Only every time Kamenashi popped up in his mind. Which really wasn't that much, he told himself, in hopes that if he said it enough times he could really convince himself of that. And it wasn't as though a part of him had had to swallow hard whenever he thought about Kamenashi even being slightly interested in the weirdo that Yamapi was. It wasn't possible, he told himself constantly, in order to push down the little feeling in his chest that refused to listen to reason.
Uchi was obviously misinterpreting things; those looks that Kamenashi would send him were not looks of interest but more of annoyed exasperation, he was sure. After all, Yamapi would forever be the weirdo that had held onto Kamenashi's hand for a freakishly long time when they met when they were twelve, right?
Right?
And Yamapi refused to admit that Uchi's words had more effect on him than he wanted them to.
The younger man had come by to hang out with Kamenashi a few times and every time Kamenashi's back was turned, Uchi would turn to Yamapi and mouth the word 'flir-ting' slowly and exaggeratingly. Yamapi would then try to play it cool, but more often than not, when Kamenashi then turned to look at him, Yamapi would do something stupid or weird.
Like the time he had even placed his hand on the stove element.
He was just lucky that it had already been turned off for a few minutes or else he would have seriously burned his hand.
Then, there were also the annoying, ever present, images that still kept bothering him. They didn't bother him so much during the day anymore, but the problem was that, when they weren't present during the day, they came at night, and they were much clearer and more vivid, like Yamapi was living a life through someone else's eyes.
And the clearer they got, the more they began to make sense, but Yamapi wasn't sure if he wanted them to make sense, not with the way things seemed to be going in those dreams.
And he hadn't yet made enough noise after he woke up that he got the guy next door to complain again. Not that Yamapi thought that that guy would come back ever - not after Kamenashi had started playing loud rock music at two in the morning, and had answered the loud furious knocks on the door in his half-naked state with a smirk and a drawl of, "You shouldn't have woken me up at seven in the morning then," without a hint of remorse.
Just because Yamapi didn't wake up the people next door though didn't mean he was quiet when he woke up. Half the time, he would wake up so violently that he wasn't sure what was going on, except that he had landed on the floor and by the time Yamapi was slightly aware of himself, Kamenashi would be standing there looking annoyed.
"Sorry," Yamapi rasped out to Kamenashi's shadowy form in the doorway, the younger man leaning against the frame as Yamapi lay on the floor.
"You're a disturbing person," Kamenashi said idly, "Or just disturbed."
"Sorry," Yamapi repeated, trying to figure out, for what seemed to be the millionth time, what to say to Kamenashi.
"Keep it up and I'll get used to waking up at ungodly hours of the morning," Kamenashi yawned, flickering his gaze over to Yamapi, before stepping forward and nudging Yamapi with his bare foot, "What exactly is wrong with you anyways?" he asked.
Yamapi stiffened, "Nothing." he said quietly.
"Sorry to tell you this but 'nothing' generally doesn't involved nightmares that violent." Kamenashi said a bit forcefully. Yamapi chanced looking up and saw, for just a moment, what seemed to be concern in Kamenashi's eyes.
Confused, Yamapi ventured hesitantly, "And why do you care?" he challenged.
Kamenashi kept his gaze for a few moments before answering calmly, "Because I've known you most of my life maybe. You may be the biggest weirdo I know but -” he cut himself off.
Yamapi blinked, "But what?"
Kamenashi smirked and Yamapi suddenly had a very bad feeling, and he opened his mouth, hoping to keep Kamenashi from saying whatever it was that had the younger man looking like that, "But you're my weirdo." the younger man said with a snicker, "Or so Uchi calls you." he added.
Yamapi knew, just knew, that Uchi was bad news.
"What?” he managed to croak out, eyes widening, and his heart suddenly felt like it was on fire, hearing Kamenashi's casual use of a possessive term.
"Uchi thinks you're funny, in a stalker-ish sort of way." Kamenashi said idly, and Yamapi was uncomfortably aware of the way that Kamenashi was settling down near him; Yamapi was still lying on his back on the floor, and he looked up to see Kamenashi peering down at him.
"I'm not a stalker," he snapped, not very convincingly though.
Kamenashi's face wasn't far above his and Yamapi had difficulty breathing, "Oh really?" the soft drawl left warm imprints of breath on Yamapi's lips. He couldn't believe that he was being left breathless by a Kamenashi with bed head. Uchi's words kept echoing through his head too, constantly, like an annoying little recording stuck in a loop.
"Then," Kamenashi continued, "What explanation do you have for always staring at me and following me around?"
Damn, was Yamapi's first reaction, not just because he had no answer to that, but also because his heart was a dirty traitor that wouldn't stop beating so loudly and quickly. It was a traitor that was betraying him right at this moment.
Yamapi had trouble answering, but he finally rasped out a, "You're the reason I have these nightmares," he snapped despite the fact that right now, more than anything, he just wanted to give into what Kamenashi's presence was doing to him.
What did I just do? was the thought rushing through his head as the familiar sensation of his vision going out of focus hit him, and before it did, he caught a glimpse of shocked, confused, and hurt eyes. Then the images hit him, harder than they ever had when he had been awake. Like his nightmares.
His nightmares were becoming stronger; not only vivid and clearer, like a memory long gone, but powerful.
They were completely taking over him.
* * *
Silken cloth covered his shoulders, shades of blue in the corner of his vision, as he stood amidst the crowd. The sound of a carriage approaching was heard by all, and although he felt annoyed at having to stand in a crowd like this, he tried to ignore them and masked his look of distaste, particularly as a commoner brushed by him.
He bristled in indignant anger, but kept his reaction in check. It wouldn't do for him to cause a scene by striking the man, not when the one he was waiting for would be here soon.
The sounds of the carriage came closer and closer, and he, like mostly everyone in the street, perked up, and stood at attention. He let the irritated look cross his face as he pushed his way to the front as much as he could; he wanted to see it and no dirty commoners were going to stop him.
Then, there they were, stepping out of the carriage side by side, little smiles on their faces.
The flowers of the sakura floated down like a welcome to them, and he felt an angry, ugly, emotion rise up in his chest. He kept a perfectly cool expression on his face though.
"Tomohisa," he heard his name, and he inclined his head in acknowledgement. The crowd finally let him pass and he stepped forward, greeting the ones he knew all too well.
The ones that he had come to see.
The ones that he wanted to destroy more than anything in the world - no, the ones that he would destroy.
"It's good to see you," he said, despite the dark feeling rising in his heart. His eyes flickered over both of them before concentrating on his long-time friend, "Welcome home Ryo." he paused, gaze roving to the other man, the man standing so close, "Kazuya." he added in greeting.
* * *
Yamapi woke up panting and with cold sweat forming on his forehead. His cheeks were warm and wet though; he shuddered.
Those feelings, those dark, horrible feelings…
Like they were his own, like he was possessed by an evil, black-hearted demon…
He shuddered, and despite himself, noticed that he was still lying on the floor of his room and that Kamenashi was nowhere to be found.
* * *
Kamenashi was probably avoiding him, Yamapi realized about a week after that little night-time conversation with the younger man. He was starting to realize that was what was happening when, for the second day in a row, he heard Kamenashi come back to the dorm at two in the morning, and head straight for his room, closing and locking the door before Yamapi could even come out of his to try to greet him - or, like he wanted to do for the past week, explain himself.
It wasn't overtly obvious like that time when he had seemed to have pissed Kamenashi off, but just like back then, Yamapi was coming to realize exactly how Kamenashi hadn't truly ignored him before. Even if they never spoke and even if Kamenashi was giving him a strange look that made him feel like a weirdo, Yamapi would still be acknowledged, either by Kamenashi looking over at him briefly, or with a dismissive gesture once he realized it was Yamapi.
Now, Kamenashi didn't even stay in the same room as him long enough to acknowledge him.
Yamapi couldn’t help but feel a bit…
Hurt, was the answer a snide little voice told him in the back of his mind.
He had expected it though; after all, he had just revealed yet another strange, creepy thing about himself to Kamenashi and even revealed that Kamenashi was causing his nightmares, something he had tried to hide for a long time. He would be freaked out too if he was Kamenashi and someone had told him that.
Especially since your nightmares end up in screaming and violent fits, Yamapi added in his mind.
It made him feel a bit better, or so he told himself, but that didn't stop that annoying pounding in his chest every time Kamenashi walked on by and didn't even bother looking at him.
"Ka -” Yamapi tried to call out to the younger man once he heard the door to the dorm open and he ran out before Kamenashi could lock himself in his room again. He stopped in his tracks when he saw that Kamenashi wasn't alone. Uchi was standing there, looking between Kamenashi and Yamapi with an awkward look on his face, almost like he was able to sense the tension that Yamapi had begun to be accustomed to all week.
"Hey," Uchi greeted slowly, eyes flickering over to Kamenashi who, after a moment's pause, brushed by Yamapi and headed to his room. The two had obviously just come from playing baseball again, as Kamenashi still had sweat on his forehead. In fact, that seemed to be the reason why they were here, as Kamenashi came back out with a towel and headed to the bathroom.
Kamenashi glanced over at Uchi for a moment, "You don't have to wait," he said, "I can find you later."
Uchi shook his head, waving his hand to dismiss the suggestion, "Nah, it's fine. I made you wait for me didn't I?" he grinned, running a hand through his own wet hair to emphasize his point.
Kamenashi rolled his eyes, "Suit yourself." he said as he closed and locked the bathroom door. It was only when they heard the sound of the shower running that Uchi spoke again.
"So, how's it going?" he asked lightly.
Yamapi shrugged.
"He seems pissed off at you."
Yamapi stiffened, "Probably more like freaked out by me." he said under his breath.
Uchi tilted his head, silence hanging between them for a moment or two, "Nah, that's not his freaked out attitude." Uchi said with a little smirk, "I've seen his freaked out attitude, like that time when - uh, never mind." he added hastily, "Let's just say it was fun to watch a friend of mine make him freak out back in high school." he added.
Yamapi blinked at that; he hadn't known that Uchi had known Kamenashi before university, and his surprise must have shown because Uchi grinned.
"We played on opposite baseball teams a lot," Uchi explained, "We just started hanging out, you didn't know that did you?"
Yamapi could only shake his head.
"Anyways, nah, that's not his freaked out look. That's more like his 'you've done something to piss me off and now you won't even get my attention' look."
"Do you see these looks often?" Yamapi asked dryly.
"Yes," Uchi said simply. Then he grinned, "Not at me though, more like Ryo - I mean, a friend of mine. He was always riling Kazuya up it seems and -” he blinked, stopping mid-sentence, and pulled out his cell phone, "Speak of the devil. I've gotta take this. Tell Kazuya to come find me in my room later, will you?" he asked as he stood up, already concentrating on his phone.
"Sure," Yamapi said absently.
Uchi was nearly out the door before he spoke again, "By the way, he has told me a little - not much but enough. He doesn’t take well to people blaming him for things he has no idea about. Hates it. And I don't blame him, after what happened - anyways. I shouldn’t say anything about that.
From the sounds of it, you did just that. I'd start there if you want him to stop ignoring you."
Yamapi could only frown as the door closed behind Uchi.
He hadn't blamed Kamenashi for anything -
"It's your fault I get these nightmares!"
Oh wait, never mind.
He had.
Yamapi was unsure whether he should be feeling ashamed or horrified, so he settled for going back and forth between both. He hadn't even realized that…
…that it could be seen as taking your anger out on him for no reason? Even when he covered up for you about these nightmares?
And...
In his own worry about what Kamenashi would think of what he said, he never once even realized that what he had said wouldn't make sense to anyone who had no idea what his nightmares were about. It wasn't likely that Kamenashi would think that he was a freak for having nightmares about him, because he didn't know the nightmares involved him; but it was very likely that Kamenashi would be pissed off - and probably hurt, Yamapi remembered that look in Kamenashi's eyes that night - that Yamapi seemed to be blaming him for something he couldn’t control.
It was just then that Kamenashi walked out of the bathroom, hair dripping wet.
Yamapi couldn’t help it - he gulped.
* * *
Kamenashi huffed in annoyance for a moment, running a hand through his wet hair, before going back into the bathroom and grabbing a towel, drying his hair as he came out, "Where's Uchi?" he asked upon seeing that his friend was no longer waiting.
"He…got a call," Yamapi said slowly, trying his hardest to look away from Kamenashi, but failing completely. It was probably obvious because Kamenashi merely raised an eyebrow at him. Yamapi was mentally cursing the fact that his heart just wouldn't stop racing, as it was prone to do around Kamenashi. Yamapi didn't like to think much on what that meant though, because that would make things even more complicated than they were and he would rather be 'that strange guy' than the weirdo who had a not-so-platonic obsession with Kamenashi.
It had become harder to ignore it ever since university started and he realized how much attention Kamenashi really paid to him, and even harder after the way Kamenashi had covered up for him when he had no reason to. That had left little fluffy feelings in his chest that he wanted to crush like a bug…but he didn't have the heart to.
Yamapi hated the feeling, and ignored it as much as he could.
Unfortunately, his strength of will seemed to be shattered to nothing right now.
Uchi hasn't exactly helped matters either, Yamapi thought with a grimace. Then, he blinked.
"Oh right, Uchi wanted me to tell you to find him when you were done," Yamapi added.
"Right." Kamenashi said in response, in a tight voice that made it very obvious to Yamapi that he was only acknowledging him right now because he had to.
"And…" Yamapi swallowed hard, trying to keep Kamenashi's attention on him long enough for him to gather the courage to apologize to Kamenashi.
Kamenashi stopped where he was, but didn't turn around. Yamapi wasn't sure if that made it worse or better; for one thing, now he didn't have to look at Kamenashi's annoyed expression, but now he also wasn't sure if anything he said was affecting Kamenashi in any way.
"About that…night," he started with difficultly, "I…I didn't mean to…"
Kamenashi still wasn't saying anything.
"I mean…I wasn't angry at you, when I said that, if that's what it sounded like, I just -”
"You were just deciding that blaming me was the easiest way to make yourself feel better," Kamenashi said in a cold tone of voice and Yamapi winced.
Well, that wasn't entirely true, since Kamenashi did seem to be the cause of his nightmares, but…that was also kind of true, since Kamenashi had no idea and Yamapi had just snapped at the younger man for nothing more than being the subject of his nightmares. It wasn't Kamenashi's fault that Yamapi had nightmares so horrible about him that he woke up screaming.
"No, I just -” Yamapi faltered, "Okay, so I did. But I’m sorry about it! I didn't even realize I'd been blaming you, I mean, I just thought you'd just write it off as some stupid freakish thing I'd say because haven't you realized by now that I’m weird and freaky and that -” he stopped himself before he could reveal more, "I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean to blame you like that, I was just - disconcerted."
"Disconcerted?"
"Well, how else do you expect me to react when after all these years, you're suddenly not treating me like the weirdo that I am?" Yamapi shot back, trying not to sound defensive but really failing at it, "And then you're the only one who knows about these nightmares of mine, but I don't understand anything about you this year - I've known you all these years and I understand nothing about you right now. Like why you'd help someone who probably freaked you out from the moment we met!"
Kamenashi had turned around now, looking at Yamapi with a surveying look in his eyes.
"You were a weird kid," Kamenashi agreed after a moment.
Yamapi felt it as his heart sank, shattering just a little. Only a little. It was only his heart right? Not that important in the long run and -
"But…" Kamenashi continued after a moment, "Normal is so overrated sometimes."
Yamapi blinked, hating, just hating, that feeling in his chest right now, that annoying presence of hope that seemed to be expanding and trying to suffocate him.
"Do you even remember the difficulty I had in our second year of high school, with the normal people of our school?" Kamenashi said bitingly, but it didn't seem to be directed at Yamapi.
Yamapi stared before shaking his head. He didn't remember Kamenashi as anything but a shining example of someone who had it all, who was normal and could live his life in the brightest way, while Yamapi was stuck in the darkness of his dreams and nightmares. Kamenashi had always seemed out of reach, and if he was honest with himself, a subject of affection because Kamenashi wasn't plagued by the same weirdness that Yamapi was.
"That year, the only friends I had, the only people who would talk to me, were two people who didn't even go to school with us." Kamenashi said bitterly, crossing his arms.
Yamapi noticed, though, that it wasn't out of irritation, almost like…
Almost like he's shielding himself?
"Because to them, I wasn't like them. They made my life hell. So why would I turn on you just because you're a bit different?" Kamenashi asked in a flat tone of voice. He paused, looking straight at Yamapi now, "I may have thought of you as a bit weird, but I never hated you like you seem to think. You never seemed to want to talk to me anyways, you would just stare at me all the time. But…You were the only one at school who didn't treat me any differently that year. Of course, the next year I got determined when they made me try out for the baseball team again after they kicked me off the year before. I totally kicked their asses and since they needed me to win, the whole school decided to forget the entire last year had happened and I was ‘forgiven’." he said with a sarcastic laugh, "But now that I think about it, it could be that you didn't even know what was going on."
Yamapi could only blink; he never remembered a time when Kamenashi was that ostracized, and considering how much time he spent watching Kamenashi…
"What…was it that they hated you for?" Yamapi asked in honest curiosity.
Kamenashi's expression darkened.
Yamapi considered taking back his question, but before he could, Kamenashi moved. The younger man went to his room and grabbed a bag from off the bed, and Yamapi sighed in defeat, realizing that it was probably too personal for Kamenashi to speak about to him.
Well, it was now established that Kamenashi had never hated him like Yamapi had thought for years, but…
He doubted Kamenashi would want to speak about his problems, past or not, to Yamapi.
It was only when Kamenashi was right in front of him that Yamapi realized that the younger man was speaking. Yamapi didn't even have time to register what Kamenashi was saying.
The younger man's body pressed against his in a way that made his heart race too fast, a hand gripping his wrist, keeping him still, and then, and then -
- a pair of lips brushed against Yamapi's.
Those lips lingered for a moment before Kamenashi pulled away, a dark smile on his face, "I kissed a guy." he stated simply, "Back then. Now. A bunch of times between then and now."
Yamapi could only stare, wide-eyed, at Kamenashi, his hand going to his mouth, fingers brushing against the spot that Kamenashi had kissed.
"You seem to think you have me all figured out," Kamenashi said, looking sharply at Yamapi, "But I don't think you know anything about me, even after all these years."
"W - why…"
Why me? Yamapi wanted to ask, but wasn't sure how to phrase that. That little feeling of hope in his chest was suffocating him again, in a way that he didn't want to explain to either himself or Kamenashi. Kamenashi had just kissed him, and -
"I told you. I remember that you were the only person who treated me the same, whether you knew it or not." Kamenashi said, sighing heavily as he hoisted his bag back up on his shoulder; it must have fallen during the - the kiss, "Have you ever thought that, just maybe, I actually like you?"
Yamapi was frozen where he was.
"So now you know," Kamenashi said, that dark smile still on his face.
"Know…?" Yamapi was confused, utterly confused.
Kamenashi stared at him, before he cracked a smirk, "You are dense, Uchi was right." he said, "I like you, hence the kiss?" he said with an arched eyebrow, "Didn't you wonder why I was trying to make you actually talk to me since this year started? You never changed the way you treated me back in high school, but the same wasn't cutting it for me anymore." he stated plainly, still staring in an eerily calm way at Yamapi.
Yamapi wasn't sure what to say, so he merely stared at Kamenashi.
"Well, maybe I told you too early. I think I just broke you." Kamenashi said, waving a hand in front of his face, "Hey, rejecting me requires speaking too you know. Might want to open your mouth and well, you know, words, something you've been doing since you were a baby, might want to try that?" he said, but Yamapi didn't miss the flash of wariness in the younger man's eyes.
Kamenashi was risking a lot to tell him this, wasn't he? To do what he had done? That little bit of hope, that quickening of his heartbeats, he was risking that on Yamapi right now? So why couldn’t Yamapi be courageous for once in his life and just say something back to the younger man?
"I…"
Kamenashi stared at him, the wariness in his eyes evident now.
"I don't know what to…" Yamapi ran a hand through his hair. He tried to gather the courage to voice those feelings in his chest, to admit for the first time why Kamenashi had such an effect on him, but…
"I've never even thought about you…like that…" he lied finally, hating himself for it, and hating himself for giving Kamenashi a good reason to have that wariness in his eyes.
Kamenashi merely made a show of shrugging, but Yamapi could clearly see that the answer was something that probably hurt the younger man.
But he couldn't tell the truth.
He couldn’t tell the truth that the idea of Kamenashi liking him made him happy, made that hope grow; or the truth that that kiss hadn't felt wrong at all, it had felt very right…
"Guess staring obsessively doesn't always equal liking someone then," Kamenashi said finally, in a tight tone, "I'm going to find Uchi now. I…"
"Kamenashi -”
But Kamenashi was out the door before Yamapi could try to think up an excuse for what he had just done.
That was probably a good thing though. Yamapi didn't have an excuse - not even to himself.
Why did I just do that?
* * *
Kamenashi seemed to show no outward signs of distress about their talk, Yamapi noticed with a bit of envy. He tried not to look at his own reflection in the mirror when he passed it, sure that he would see the dark circles under his blood-shot eyes, the utterly exhausted expression, and most of all, the confused hurt that he had subjected himself to ever since he had lied to Kamenashi and told him that he didn't have feelings for the younger man.
It was a lie, and his body was letting the world know it.
To avoid Kamenashi, Yamapi went out as much as he could with the few friends he had made since university started, but even they had begun to notice that something was wrong and instead of accepting his suggestions to go out with a hesitant nod and worried looks, now they just told him to go home and get some sleep.
Yamapi was disgruntled.
It wasn't that obvious was it?
There was also the fact that added onto his overwhelming feeling of guilt, the nightmares, if possible, had simply gotten worse. It was like they were punishing him as well for lying to Kamenashi - and for ignoring his own feelings.
They were punishing him for being a coward to himself.
Kamenashi hadn't talked to him at all since then either, not that he had a chance to. Yamapi was out as much as he could, and when he got back to the dorm, Kamenashi was either still out as well or he was locked in his room. All the better, Yamapi thought, because no matter his feelings, his sense of cowardice would just get in the way.
Just like they get in the way of everything, he thought darkly.
He was scared out of his wits of what was happening to him, of the nightmares that were intensifying and increasing everything, of the feelings he had for Kamenashi.
And he was scared of how he felt when he was inside those nightmares, with a person who looked so much like Kamenashi, who had Kamenashi's name. He was scared of the vicious feelings he felt.
He was scared of Kamenashi trying to get closer to him, of him getting closer to Kamenashi…
In short, everything involving Kamenashi scared the hell out of him.
"Kazuya -” the door opened and Yamapi jumped nearly a foot in the air. He stared wide-eyed at Uchi.
"Oh, sorry, the door was open." Uchi said awkwardly; he was holding two cups of coffee, and he held one up, "Is Kazuya here?"
It seemed Uchi was more than aware of the problems between him and Kamenashi right now.
"I don't know," Yamapi frowned, "His door is closed but I didn't check."
"Oh, I'll go see then." Uchi said with a grin. His smile dropped for a moment as he looked at Yamapi, "No offense Yamashita, but you look even worse than Kazuya does."
Yamapi blinked.
"Which is odd, because he's the one that got rejected right?" Uchi continued, blinking almost innocently at Yamapi.
Yamapi flinched. He wondered how perceptive Uchi was, and if…
If he knows the truth somehow, that you like Kamenashi but you're too much of a goddamn coward to try anything? That hurting him is easier than possibly hurting yourself?
"Well!" Uchi said brightly after a moment, "Hey, want the rest of my drink? I think I've gotten too much caffeine and you look like you really need it."
Anything to get off the topic of Kamenashi and his feelings, Yamapi thought, as he slowly took the drink from Uchi. It didn't seem like there was much left, so what could it hurt? He then took a sip slowly, wondering if Uchi had done something horrible to the drink like spit in it to get revenge for what he had done to Kamenashi.
He licked his lips.
It tasted…like tea, but was…spicy for some reason.
"I thought you said it was caffeine…"
"Did I?" Uchi asked innocently, "Oops, that must have been Kazuya's drink that had caffeine. He'll be mad I drank most of it then."
The younger man wandered away to Kamenashi's door, and knocked on it a few times, "Kazuya, it's me. Open up."
There was no answer, and Yamapi watched awkwardly, before deciding to go back to his room. He left the door open, watching Uchi curiously.
"Kazuya, are you in there?" Uchi was saying.
Yamapi could barely register it. He felt really heavy all of a sudden.
Then, he suddenly yawned.
All those days of not sleeping well must have been catching up with him. It probably couldn’t hurt to lie down on his bed for a bit right? He'd just set his alarm so that he'd wake up in a few minutes…
So…sleepy…
"By the way," Uchi poked his head in the room, but Yamapi could barely register what he was saying, "Kazuya is actually asleep in my room because I slipped him the same thing he told me to slip you. You both look like hell." he said, "You more than him."
Yamapi's eyes widened as he tried to fight against the drowsiness.
"Don't worry, it's not sleeping pills or anything. Just some…" he pulled a slip of paper out of his pocket, "Passionflower herbal tea. Worked wonders on Kazuya. He told me to slip it to you but he looked pretty tired too so I tricked him into drinking some of the tea meant for you." Uchi waved with an unrepentant grin, "You won't sleep as long but at least both of you will stop looking like death warmed over."
Yamapi wanted to protest, to yell, but in the end, he didn't have the energy.
He succumbed to the drowsiness, cursing at Uchi in his mind. He didn't have it in him to curse Kamenashi too though.
* * *
The sky had taken on a pinkish hue as evening fell upon the estate; he crossed his arms as he surveyed the two from a distance, allowing the familiar feeling of intense hatred well up in his heart. The sight of them angered him beyond anything, and not for the first time, he wished that he could be rid of them, be rid of the sight that plagued him so much.
"Tomohisa-sama," he heard a voice call out. He turned to see his servant approaching, "Nishikido-sama is looking for you."
He rolled his eyes, resisting the urge to strike the man. He was in a terrible mood, one that he had constantly been in ever since Ryo and Kazuya had returned to the estate - welcomed with open arms by everyone else, it seemed. He was irked. For a few sweet months, it seemed as though things were really falling into place.
"I hear that Nishikido-sama is allowing the young master and Kazuya-sama's relationship." his servant continued hesitantly, upon seeing that Tomohisa wasn't going to do anything about the message he had brought, and following Tomohisa's gaze.
"Yes," Tomohisa said with gritted teeth, "How nice of him to allow his son a relationship that will lead to no legitimate heir. Of course, he's hardly one to talk about legitimate children is he?" he said cuttingly.
The servant stilled.
"You'd think that he'd want to escape from his mistakes instead of allowing his son to continue them." Tomohisa continued, knowing that the servant would know that if he spoke a word of this conversation to anyone, Tomohisa would make sure he wouldn’t spend another day working for any decent household, and he would become a beggar in the streets.
He was angry and bitter, that was for sure.
He watched as Ryo and Kazuya laughed quietly in the distance, and rage filled him again.
"The young master -”
Tomohisa turned and, in his rage, swung at the servant, glaring at the man as he fell, "I don't want to hear about the 'young master'. We're both from the same father, so I should have become the 'young master' when he abandoned his familial duties to chase after that -” Tomohisa refrained from saying what he wanted to say, and took a deep breath, "I may be the illegitimate son, but I'm the son who can actually continue the family line." he snarled.
The servant, thinking for the first time probably since he had approached Tomohisa, stayed silent, not offering another word.
"Eventually, my father will realize that." Tomohisa said in a bitter tone, walking away from the servant still sitting on the ground, not daring to move. He approached Ryo and Kazuya with as convincing of a smile as he could manage, while dark thoughts invaded his mind like a curse.
* * *
Yamapi woke up with a violent start, dark thoughts that were remnants of his nightmare slowly fading. His breathing was heavy as he tried to remember that the nightmare wasn’t real, and that he was in his room, safe in his room, away from - whatever those nightmares were.
He could hear voices arguing outside of his room.
“Aw, you’re just cranky that you got tricked,” Uchi’s voice was saying.
Yamapi gritted his teeth; he had a few choice words for the younger man about tricking him as well. He didn’t want to sleep, because look what happened when he did sleep - he got nightmares that he would be better off not knowing about if he’d just avoid sleeping!
“I’m still mad at you,” Kamenashi’s voice said bitingly.
“Hey, you’re the one who came up with the plan.”
“I didn’t mean for you to give me some,” Kamenashi’s voice was close to a whine, “I didn’t look that bad!”
Yamapi peeked through a crack in his door, seeing Kamenashi and Uchi sitting in the main area of their dorm.
“Well, you still looked like you needed some.” Uchi countered.
“Who decided that?” Kamenashi retorted.
“Ryo.” Uchi answered simply. Yamapi had to struggle to keep his breath calm; Ryo - in his nightmares, those he remembered, that was the other name...
It’s not possible…
These are just nightmares, just dreams…
I don’t even know someone named Ryo.
Yamapi did notice that Kamenashi gave a start of surprise at the name though, before a sardonic smirk crossed his face, “And how did Ryo know to tell you to drug me?”
“It wasn’t drugging! It was just tea. Honestly, you were so tired that it was just more effective on you than it was supposed to be. That says something about your exhaustion doesn’t it?” Uchi said pointedly.
Kamenashi merely stared at Uchi.
“Fine,” Uchi pouted, “I sent him a picture of you while you were spacing out in the library. He thought that it was appalling that you’d ‘let yourself sink even lower than his lowest expectations’ and told me to do something about it and suggested drugging you.”
To Yamapi’s utter surprise, Kamenashi had the start of a grin, “Ah, Ryo.” He said with a laugh, “So charming.”
“Isn’t he?” Uchi grinned back, “Actually, you know, he suggested that I give you lots of alcohol until you passed out, but when you came up with the plan to make Yamashita sleep…well, it was easier.”
Kamenashi rolled his eyes.
“You don’t seem mad anymore.”
“I’ve learned over the years that most of the time, arguing with Ryo is just not worth it.” Kamenashi said with a smirk, “It’s better to let him win a few times, then I get to win the rest of the time.”
Yamapi slowly opened the door a little more, curiously; this was a side of Kamenashi that he rarely saw. Kamenashi never acted this way with him, this joking way that was oddly refreshing.
Uchi burst out laughing, and then he stopped, “I think someone’s awake.” He said loudly.
Yamapi was caught by surprise and he fell out of his room in a very unceremonious manner. He stared up at the two younger man; Kamenashi’s expression had turned stony, and he had turned his head away. Uchi, however, had an awkward smile on his face.
“I’m just…I’ll be sending those pictures I took of you sleeping to Ryo.” Uchi said with a bright voice.
Kamenashi either didn’t care or didn’t hear; he merely stared down at the table before, after what seemed like an eternity, he turned to face Yamapi, “You look better.” He said in a tight tone of voice, before moving toward his room.
A part of Yamapi wanted to yell, to call after Kamenashi, to bang like a madman on Kamenashi’s door.
But another part of him was paralyzed by the nightmare, like a confirmation of why it was a good idea that he not let Kamenashi get any closer…
That part won.
Again.
And Yamapi hated himself a bit more.
* * *
----> part 3
Written for: reddorozette
Pairing: pikame (& a bit of ryokame)
Words: 36 427
Rating: PG-15? (somewhere between PG-13 and R)
Notes: thank you very much to my beta!!!!! <3333
Summary: From the first moment that he met Kamenashi Kazuya, Yamashita Tomohisa knew, just knew, that somehow, he had done something horrible to the younger boy. Is it possible to hate someone in one life, but love them in the next? In one life, Yamashita Tomohisa murdered Kamenashi Kazuya but in this life, he's in love with him...
--
"What?” Yamapi heard the disbelieving shout as he sat in a sparse crowd of people, sitting in the bleachers by the baseball diamond. His eyes flickered toward the bench not too far from him.
Kamenashi sat on the bench, waiting for his turn up at the bat. Next to him was the classmate Yamapi now recognized as Kamenashi's friend. He also found out recently that he was named Uchi Hiroki; Uchi looked torn between laughing and sighing in exasperation at Kamenashi.
Kamenashi merely said something that Yamapi missed but got Uchi grinning like he had heard the most amusing thing ever. Curious, especially at seeing the matching grin on Kamenashi's face, Yamapi inched down the bleachers, trying to get closer. The voice in his head warned him that it was a bad idea but he ignored it.
Yamapi had sort of figured it out.
The nightmares were still plaguing him but he had yet to disturb people from their sleep with his screams again. That didn't mean he didn't wake up though. Yamapi had taken to sleeping on his stomach so that if anything he could muffle any screaming that occurred.
But, he wasn't yet convinced that Kamenashi had nothing to do with them. It was too much of a coincidence that these dreams intensified from little flashes to full-blown nightmares when he started to live in close quarters with Kamenashi, after years of them remaining the same. They definitely had something to do with Kamenashi - which explained why, even to this day, the initial feeling that he had done something horrible to
Kamenashi had never really faded.
But, Yamapi noticed; sometimes...
It was like these little nightmares were receptive to something...
All these years in which they had stayed the same - annoying but the same - Kamenashi had basically ignored his existence, or at least that was what Yamapi had thought. But perhaps...
It was confusing and he couldn't really make sense of exactly what triggered these, no matter how hard he thought about it, but all he knew was that it had something to do with Kamenashi, whether Kamenashi was aware of it or not. So far though, it seemed as though Kamenashi was far from being aware of it.
And that was why he had followed Kamenashi to his baseball game, so that he could try to observe Kamenashi, and from there, try to figure out what was it about Kamenashi that made these images appear. And perhaps he was just a little curious about what Kamenashi was like when he wasn't around Yamapi; he had witnessed a darker side to Kamenashi that he hadn't realized existed, and perhaps, he was bit affronted that
Kamenashi had a side that he didn't know about.
So he was here to watch the younger man.
And here was yet another side to Kamenashi, one that he had seen briefly a few times in junior high and high school. A side that seemed so normal, as opposed to Yamapi himself.
He had never deluded himself with thinking that he was normal; he was very well aware that everything about him, from the moment he entered middle school and met Kamenashi, had been abnormal.
Yamapi blinked when he heard Uchi stop talking and he surreptitiously looked over at the pair of friends, and nearly died right where he was when he saw Kamenashi looking at him, an eyebrow arched in a 'what are you doing?' sort of look. It was slightly similar to the look that Uchi had, except Uchi was looking like he sort of wanted to burst out laughing. Yamapi had a feeling that Uchi knew exactly who he was, from the way he was looking between Kamenashi and Yamapi with a little smirk playing on his lips.
Kamenashi looked away after a moment, turning back to Uchi with a 'look what I have to deal with' look on his face, and as the batters before them had gone, the two of them got up and went to take their place in line as next up to bat. As they passed him, despite the fact that Yamapi was trying his best to hide that he had been watching them, Uchi turned to look at him, an amused grin on his face, and Yamapi caught the words, "You've spent too much time around Ryo, Kazuya," for which Kamenashi pushed him lightly for, with a laugh.
Yamapi blinked, wondering who this Ryo was, but found himself just watching as Kamenashi went up to bat. Yamapi had gone to a few games of Kamenashi's back when they were in school; the younger man had simply gotten better over time at the sport which he obviously loved.
It was because Yamapi was so intently watching Kamenashi that he didn't realize that Uchi had backtracked to stand right next to him and he jumped when he heard Uchi's voice next to him, "So you're Kazuya's little pet problem," the dark-haired man said with a laugh at Yamapi's expression, which Yamapi was sure was both idiotic looking and confused. That was how he felt anyways.
"Wha -"
"Don't worry," Uchi said with a knowing smirk and a wink, "This cold, sarcastic, 'you're bothering me' thing he does...I think it's his way of flirting," Uchi said with a widening grin, "Or well, that's my theory. That's what you get, in my opinion, when you spend that much time with Ryo." he said musingly before his name was called impatiently, and he went running to home plate and picked up the bat.
Yamapi followed Uchi's path and then his eyes flickered over to first base where Kamenashi was looking at him; a moment later, Kamenashi turned his head away from Yamapi flippantly, ignoring Yamapi once again.
* * *
Uchi was totally wrong, Yamapi thought as the week passed. There was no way that Kamenashi's blatant acts of ignoring him were really strange methods of flirting. Not that he thought about it that much.
Only every time Kamenashi popped up in his mind. Which really wasn't that much, he told himself, in hopes that if he said it enough times he could really convince himself of that. And it wasn't as though a part of him had had to swallow hard whenever he thought about Kamenashi even being slightly interested in the weirdo that Yamapi was. It wasn't possible, he told himself constantly, in order to push down the little feeling in his chest that refused to listen to reason.
Uchi was obviously misinterpreting things; those looks that Kamenashi would send him were not looks of interest but more of annoyed exasperation, he was sure. After all, Yamapi would forever be the weirdo that had held onto Kamenashi's hand for a freakishly long time when they met when they were twelve, right?
Right?
And Yamapi refused to admit that Uchi's words had more effect on him than he wanted them to.
The younger man had come by to hang out with Kamenashi a few times and every time Kamenashi's back was turned, Uchi would turn to Yamapi and mouth the word 'flir-ting' slowly and exaggeratingly. Yamapi would then try to play it cool, but more often than not, when Kamenashi then turned to look at him, Yamapi would do something stupid or weird.
Like the time he had even placed his hand on the stove element.
He was just lucky that it had already been turned off for a few minutes or else he would have seriously burned his hand.
Then, there were also the annoying, ever present, images that still kept bothering him. They didn't bother him so much during the day anymore, but the problem was that, when they weren't present during the day, they came at night, and they were much clearer and more vivid, like Yamapi was living a life through someone else's eyes.
And the clearer they got, the more they began to make sense, but Yamapi wasn't sure if he wanted them to make sense, not with the way things seemed to be going in those dreams.
And he hadn't yet made enough noise after he woke up that he got the guy next door to complain again. Not that Yamapi thought that that guy would come back ever - not after Kamenashi had started playing loud rock music at two in the morning, and had answered the loud furious knocks on the door in his half-naked state with a smirk and a drawl of, "You shouldn't have woken me up at seven in the morning then," without a hint of remorse.
Just because Yamapi didn't wake up the people next door though didn't mean he was quiet when he woke up. Half the time, he would wake up so violently that he wasn't sure what was going on, except that he had landed on the floor and by the time Yamapi was slightly aware of himself, Kamenashi would be standing there looking annoyed.
"Sorry," Yamapi rasped out to Kamenashi's shadowy form in the doorway, the younger man leaning against the frame as Yamapi lay on the floor.
"You're a disturbing person," Kamenashi said idly, "Or just disturbed."
"Sorry," Yamapi repeated, trying to figure out, for what seemed to be the millionth time, what to say to Kamenashi.
"Keep it up and I'll get used to waking up at ungodly hours of the morning," Kamenashi yawned, flickering his gaze over to Yamapi, before stepping forward and nudging Yamapi with his bare foot, "What exactly is wrong with you anyways?" he asked.
Yamapi stiffened, "Nothing." he said quietly.
"Sorry to tell you this but 'nothing' generally doesn't involved nightmares that violent." Kamenashi said a bit forcefully. Yamapi chanced looking up and saw, for just a moment, what seemed to be concern in Kamenashi's eyes.
Confused, Yamapi ventured hesitantly, "And why do you care?" he challenged.
Kamenashi kept his gaze for a few moments before answering calmly, "Because I've known you most of my life maybe. You may be the biggest weirdo I know but -” he cut himself off.
Yamapi blinked, "But what?"
Kamenashi smirked and Yamapi suddenly had a very bad feeling, and he opened his mouth, hoping to keep Kamenashi from saying whatever it was that had the younger man looking like that, "But you're my weirdo." the younger man said with a snicker, "Or so Uchi calls you." he added.
Yamapi knew, just knew, that Uchi was bad news.
"What?” he managed to croak out, eyes widening, and his heart suddenly felt like it was on fire, hearing Kamenashi's casual use of a possessive term.
"Uchi thinks you're funny, in a stalker-ish sort of way." Kamenashi said idly, and Yamapi was uncomfortably aware of the way that Kamenashi was settling down near him; Yamapi was still lying on his back on the floor, and he looked up to see Kamenashi peering down at him.
"I'm not a stalker," he snapped, not very convincingly though.
Kamenashi's face wasn't far above his and Yamapi had difficulty breathing, "Oh really?" the soft drawl left warm imprints of breath on Yamapi's lips. He couldn't believe that he was being left breathless by a Kamenashi with bed head. Uchi's words kept echoing through his head too, constantly, like an annoying little recording stuck in a loop.
"Then," Kamenashi continued, "What explanation do you have for always staring at me and following me around?"
Damn, was Yamapi's first reaction, not just because he had no answer to that, but also because his heart was a dirty traitor that wouldn't stop beating so loudly and quickly. It was a traitor that was betraying him right at this moment.
Yamapi had trouble answering, but he finally rasped out a, "You're the reason I have these nightmares," he snapped despite the fact that right now, more than anything, he just wanted to give into what Kamenashi's presence was doing to him.
What did I just do? was the thought rushing through his head as the familiar sensation of his vision going out of focus hit him, and before it did, he caught a glimpse of shocked, confused, and hurt eyes. Then the images hit him, harder than they ever had when he had been awake. Like his nightmares.
His nightmares were becoming stronger; not only vivid and clearer, like a memory long gone, but powerful.
They were completely taking over him.
* * *
Silken cloth covered his shoulders, shades of blue in the corner of his vision, as he stood amidst the crowd. The sound of a carriage approaching was heard by all, and although he felt annoyed at having to stand in a crowd like this, he tried to ignore them and masked his look of distaste, particularly as a commoner brushed by him.
He bristled in indignant anger, but kept his reaction in check. It wouldn't do for him to cause a scene by striking the man, not when the one he was waiting for would be here soon.
The sounds of the carriage came closer and closer, and he, like mostly everyone in the street, perked up, and stood at attention. He let the irritated look cross his face as he pushed his way to the front as much as he could; he wanted to see it and no dirty commoners were going to stop him.
Then, there they were, stepping out of the carriage side by side, little smiles on their faces.
The flowers of the sakura floated down like a welcome to them, and he felt an angry, ugly, emotion rise up in his chest. He kept a perfectly cool expression on his face though.
"Tomohisa," he heard his name, and he inclined his head in acknowledgement. The crowd finally let him pass and he stepped forward, greeting the ones he knew all too well.
The ones that he had come to see.
The ones that he wanted to destroy more than anything in the world - no, the ones that he would destroy.
"It's good to see you," he said, despite the dark feeling rising in his heart. His eyes flickered over both of them before concentrating on his long-time friend, "Welcome home Ryo." he paused, gaze roving to the other man, the man standing so close, "Kazuya." he added in greeting.
* * *
Yamapi woke up panting and with cold sweat forming on his forehead. His cheeks were warm and wet though; he shuddered.
Those feelings, those dark, horrible feelings…
Like they were his own, like he was possessed by an evil, black-hearted demon…
He shuddered, and despite himself, noticed that he was still lying on the floor of his room and that Kamenashi was nowhere to be found.
* * *
Kamenashi was probably avoiding him, Yamapi realized about a week after that little night-time conversation with the younger man. He was starting to realize that was what was happening when, for the second day in a row, he heard Kamenashi come back to the dorm at two in the morning, and head straight for his room, closing and locking the door before Yamapi could even come out of his to try to greet him - or, like he wanted to do for the past week, explain himself.
It wasn't overtly obvious like that time when he had seemed to have pissed Kamenashi off, but just like back then, Yamapi was coming to realize exactly how Kamenashi hadn't truly ignored him before. Even if they never spoke and even if Kamenashi was giving him a strange look that made him feel like a weirdo, Yamapi would still be acknowledged, either by Kamenashi looking over at him briefly, or with a dismissive gesture once he realized it was Yamapi.
Now, Kamenashi didn't even stay in the same room as him long enough to acknowledge him.
Yamapi couldn’t help but feel a bit…
Hurt, was the answer a snide little voice told him in the back of his mind.
He had expected it though; after all, he had just revealed yet another strange, creepy thing about himself to Kamenashi and even revealed that Kamenashi was causing his nightmares, something he had tried to hide for a long time. He would be freaked out too if he was Kamenashi and someone had told him that.
Especially since your nightmares end up in screaming and violent fits, Yamapi added in his mind.
It made him feel a bit better, or so he told himself, but that didn't stop that annoying pounding in his chest every time Kamenashi walked on by and didn't even bother looking at him.
"Ka -” Yamapi tried to call out to the younger man once he heard the door to the dorm open and he ran out before Kamenashi could lock himself in his room again. He stopped in his tracks when he saw that Kamenashi wasn't alone. Uchi was standing there, looking between Kamenashi and Yamapi with an awkward look on his face, almost like he was able to sense the tension that Yamapi had begun to be accustomed to all week.
"Hey," Uchi greeted slowly, eyes flickering over to Kamenashi who, after a moment's pause, brushed by Yamapi and headed to his room. The two had obviously just come from playing baseball again, as Kamenashi still had sweat on his forehead. In fact, that seemed to be the reason why they were here, as Kamenashi came back out with a towel and headed to the bathroom.
Kamenashi glanced over at Uchi for a moment, "You don't have to wait," he said, "I can find you later."
Uchi shook his head, waving his hand to dismiss the suggestion, "Nah, it's fine. I made you wait for me didn't I?" he grinned, running a hand through his own wet hair to emphasize his point.
Kamenashi rolled his eyes, "Suit yourself." he said as he closed and locked the bathroom door. It was only when they heard the sound of the shower running that Uchi spoke again.
"So, how's it going?" he asked lightly.
Yamapi shrugged.
"He seems pissed off at you."
Yamapi stiffened, "Probably more like freaked out by me." he said under his breath.
Uchi tilted his head, silence hanging between them for a moment or two, "Nah, that's not his freaked out attitude." Uchi said with a little smirk, "I've seen his freaked out attitude, like that time when - uh, never mind." he added hastily, "Let's just say it was fun to watch a friend of mine make him freak out back in high school." he added.
Yamapi blinked at that; he hadn't known that Uchi had known Kamenashi before university, and his surprise must have shown because Uchi grinned.
"We played on opposite baseball teams a lot," Uchi explained, "We just started hanging out, you didn't know that did you?"
Yamapi could only shake his head.
"Anyways, nah, that's not his freaked out look. That's more like his 'you've done something to piss me off and now you won't even get my attention' look."
"Do you see these looks often?" Yamapi asked dryly.
"Yes," Uchi said simply. Then he grinned, "Not at me though, more like Ryo - I mean, a friend of mine. He was always riling Kazuya up it seems and -” he blinked, stopping mid-sentence, and pulled out his cell phone, "Speak of the devil. I've gotta take this. Tell Kazuya to come find me in my room later, will you?" he asked as he stood up, already concentrating on his phone.
"Sure," Yamapi said absently.
Uchi was nearly out the door before he spoke again, "By the way, he has told me a little - not much but enough. He doesn’t take well to people blaming him for things he has no idea about. Hates it. And I don't blame him, after what happened - anyways. I shouldn’t say anything about that.
From the sounds of it, you did just that. I'd start there if you want him to stop ignoring you."
Yamapi could only frown as the door closed behind Uchi.
He hadn't blamed Kamenashi for anything -
"It's your fault I get these nightmares!"
Oh wait, never mind.
He had.
Yamapi was unsure whether he should be feeling ashamed or horrified, so he settled for going back and forth between both. He hadn't even realized that…
…that it could be seen as taking your anger out on him for no reason? Even when he covered up for you about these nightmares?
And...
In his own worry about what Kamenashi would think of what he said, he never once even realized that what he had said wouldn't make sense to anyone who had no idea what his nightmares were about. It wasn't likely that Kamenashi would think that he was a freak for having nightmares about him, because he didn't know the nightmares involved him; but it was very likely that Kamenashi would be pissed off - and probably hurt, Yamapi remembered that look in Kamenashi's eyes that night - that Yamapi seemed to be blaming him for something he couldn’t control.
It was just then that Kamenashi walked out of the bathroom, hair dripping wet.
Yamapi couldn’t help it - he gulped.
* * *
Kamenashi huffed in annoyance for a moment, running a hand through his wet hair, before going back into the bathroom and grabbing a towel, drying his hair as he came out, "Where's Uchi?" he asked upon seeing that his friend was no longer waiting.
"He…got a call," Yamapi said slowly, trying his hardest to look away from Kamenashi, but failing completely. It was probably obvious because Kamenashi merely raised an eyebrow at him. Yamapi was mentally cursing the fact that his heart just wouldn't stop racing, as it was prone to do around Kamenashi. Yamapi didn't like to think much on what that meant though, because that would make things even more complicated than they were and he would rather be 'that strange guy' than the weirdo who had a not-so-platonic obsession with Kamenashi.
It had become harder to ignore it ever since university started and he realized how much attention Kamenashi really paid to him, and even harder after the way Kamenashi had covered up for him when he had no reason to. That had left little fluffy feelings in his chest that he wanted to crush like a bug…but he didn't have the heart to.
Yamapi hated the feeling, and ignored it as much as he could.
Unfortunately, his strength of will seemed to be shattered to nothing right now.
Uchi hasn't exactly helped matters either, Yamapi thought with a grimace. Then, he blinked.
"Oh right, Uchi wanted me to tell you to find him when you were done," Yamapi added.
"Right." Kamenashi said in response, in a tight voice that made it very obvious to Yamapi that he was only acknowledging him right now because he had to.
"And…" Yamapi swallowed hard, trying to keep Kamenashi's attention on him long enough for him to gather the courage to apologize to Kamenashi.
Kamenashi stopped where he was, but didn't turn around. Yamapi wasn't sure if that made it worse or better; for one thing, now he didn't have to look at Kamenashi's annoyed expression, but now he also wasn't sure if anything he said was affecting Kamenashi in any way.
"About that…night," he started with difficultly, "I…I didn't mean to…"
Kamenashi still wasn't saying anything.
"I mean…I wasn't angry at you, when I said that, if that's what it sounded like, I just -”
"You were just deciding that blaming me was the easiest way to make yourself feel better," Kamenashi said in a cold tone of voice and Yamapi winced.
Well, that wasn't entirely true, since Kamenashi did seem to be the cause of his nightmares, but…that was also kind of true, since Kamenashi had no idea and Yamapi had just snapped at the younger man for nothing more than being the subject of his nightmares. It wasn't Kamenashi's fault that Yamapi had nightmares so horrible about him that he woke up screaming.
"No, I just -” Yamapi faltered, "Okay, so I did. But I’m sorry about it! I didn't even realize I'd been blaming you, I mean, I just thought you'd just write it off as some stupid freakish thing I'd say because haven't you realized by now that I’m weird and freaky and that -” he stopped himself before he could reveal more, "I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean to blame you like that, I was just - disconcerted."
"Disconcerted?"
"Well, how else do you expect me to react when after all these years, you're suddenly not treating me like the weirdo that I am?" Yamapi shot back, trying not to sound defensive but really failing at it, "And then you're the only one who knows about these nightmares of mine, but I don't understand anything about you this year - I've known you all these years and I understand nothing about you right now. Like why you'd help someone who probably freaked you out from the moment we met!"
Kamenashi had turned around now, looking at Yamapi with a surveying look in his eyes.
"You were a weird kid," Kamenashi agreed after a moment.
Yamapi felt it as his heart sank, shattering just a little. Only a little. It was only his heart right? Not that important in the long run and -
"But…" Kamenashi continued after a moment, "Normal is so overrated sometimes."
Yamapi blinked, hating, just hating, that feeling in his chest right now, that annoying presence of hope that seemed to be expanding and trying to suffocate him.
"Do you even remember the difficulty I had in our second year of high school, with the normal people of our school?" Kamenashi said bitingly, but it didn't seem to be directed at Yamapi.
Yamapi stared before shaking his head. He didn't remember Kamenashi as anything but a shining example of someone who had it all, who was normal and could live his life in the brightest way, while Yamapi was stuck in the darkness of his dreams and nightmares. Kamenashi had always seemed out of reach, and if he was honest with himself, a subject of affection because Kamenashi wasn't plagued by the same weirdness that Yamapi was.
"That year, the only friends I had, the only people who would talk to me, were two people who didn't even go to school with us." Kamenashi said bitterly, crossing his arms.
Yamapi noticed, though, that it wasn't out of irritation, almost like…
Almost like he's shielding himself?
"Because to them, I wasn't like them. They made my life hell. So why would I turn on you just because you're a bit different?" Kamenashi asked in a flat tone of voice. He paused, looking straight at Yamapi now, "I may have thought of you as a bit weird, but I never hated you like you seem to think. You never seemed to want to talk to me anyways, you would just stare at me all the time. But…You were the only one at school who didn't treat me any differently that year. Of course, the next year I got determined when they made me try out for the baseball team again after they kicked me off the year before. I totally kicked their asses and since they needed me to win, the whole school decided to forget the entire last year had happened and I was ‘forgiven’." he said with a sarcastic laugh, "But now that I think about it, it could be that you didn't even know what was going on."
Yamapi could only blink; he never remembered a time when Kamenashi was that ostracized, and considering how much time he spent watching Kamenashi…
"What…was it that they hated you for?" Yamapi asked in honest curiosity.
Kamenashi's expression darkened.
Yamapi considered taking back his question, but before he could, Kamenashi moved. The younger man went to his room and grabbed a bag from off the bed, and Yamapi sighed in defeat, realizing that it was probably too personal for Kamenashi to speak about to him.
Well, it was now established that Kamenashi had never hated him like Yamapi had thought for years, but…
He doubted Kamenashi would want to speak about his problems, past or not, to Yamapi.
It was only when Kamenashi was right in front of him that Yamapi realized that the younger man was speaking. Yamapi didn't even have time to register what Kamenashi was saying.
The younger man's body pressed against his in a way that made his heart race too fast, a hand gripping his wrist, keeping him still, and then, and then -
- a pair of lips brushed against Yamapi's.
Those lips lingered for a moment before Kamenashi pulled away, a dark smile on his face, "I kissed a guy." he stated simply, "Back then. Now. A bunch of times between then and now."
Yamapi could only stare, wide-eyed, at Kamenashi, his hand going to his mouth, fingers brushing against the spot that Kamenashi had kissed.
"You seem to think you have me all figured out," Kamenashi said, looking sharply at Yamapi, "But I don't think you know anything about me, even after all these years."
"W - why…"
Why me? Yamapi wanted to ask, but wasn't sure how to phrase that. That little feeling of hope in his chest was suffocating him again, in a way that he didn't want to explain to either himself or Kamenashi. Kamenashi had just kissed him, and -
"I told you. I remember that you were the only person who treated me the same, whether you knew it or not." Kamenashi said, sighing heavily as he hoisted his bag back up on his shoulder; it must have fallen during the - the kiss, "Have you ever thought that, just maybe, I actually like you?"
Yamapi was frozen where he was.
"So now you know," Kamenashi said, that dark smile still on his face.
"Know…?" Yamapi was confused, utterly confused.
Kamenashi stared at him, before he cracked a smirk, "You are dense, Uchi was right." he said, "I like you, hence the kiss?" he said with an arched eyebrow, "Didn't you wonder why I was trying to make you actually talk to me since this year started? You never changed the way you treated me back in high school, but the same wasn't cutting it for me anymore." he stated plainly, still staring in an eerily calm way at Yamapi.
Yamapi wasn't sure what to say, so he merely stared at Kamenashi.
"Well, maybe I told you too early. I think I just broke you." Kamenashi said, waving a hand in front of his face, "Hey, rejecting me requires speaking too you know. Might want to open your mouth and well, you know, words, something you've been doing since you were a baby, might want to try that?" he said, but Yamapi didn't miss the flash of wariness in the younger man's eyes.
Kamenashi was risking a lot to tell him this, wasn't he? To do what he had done? That little bit of hope, that quickening of his heartbeats, he was risking that on Yamapi right now? So why couldn’t Yamapi be courageous for once in his life and just say something back to the younger man?
"I…"
Kamenashi stared at him, the wariness in his eyes evident now.
"I don't know what to…" Yamapi ran a hand through his hair. He tried to gather the courage to voice those feelings in his chest, to admit for the first time why Kamenashi had such an effect on him, but…
"I've never even thought about you…like that…" he lied finally, hating himself for it, and hating himself for giving Kamenashi a good reason to have that wariness in his eyes.
Kamenashi merely made a show of shrugging, but Yamapi could clearly see that the answer was something that probably hurt the younger man.
But he couldn't tell the truth.
He couldn’t tell the truth that the idea of Kamenashi liking him made him happy, made that hope grow; or the truth that that kiss hadn't felt wrong at all, it had felt very right…
"Guess staring obsessively doesn't always equal liking someone then," Kamenashi said finally, in a tight tone, "I'm going to find Uchi now. I…"
"Kamenashi -”
But Kamenashi was out the door before Yamapi could try to think up an excuse for what he had just done.
That was probably a good thing though. Yamapi didn't have an excuse - not even to himself.
Why did I just do that?
* * *
Kamenashi seemed to show no outward signs of distress about their talk, Yamapi noticed with a bit of envy. He tried not to look at his own reflection in the mirror when he passed it, sure that he would see the dark circles under his blood-shot eyes, the utterly exhausted expression, and most of all, the confused hurt that he had subjected himself to ever since he had lied to Kamenashi and told him that he didn't have feelings for the younger man.
It was a lie, and his body was letting the world know it.
To avoid Kamenashi, Yamapi went out as much as he could with the few friends he had made since university started, but even they had begun to notice that something was wrong and instead of accepting his suggestions to go out with a hesitant nod and worried looks, now they just told him to go home and get some sleep.
Yamapi was disgruntled.
It wasn't that obvious was it?
There was also the fact that added onto his overwhelming feeling of guilt, the nightmares, if possible, had simply gotten worse. It was like they were punishing him as well for lying to Kamenashi - and for ignoring his own feelings.
They were punishing him for being a coward to himself.
Kamenashi hadn't talked to him at all since then either, not that he had a chance to. Yamapi was out as much as he could, and when he got back to the dorm, Kamenashi was either still out as well or he was locked in his room. All the better, Yamapi thought, because no matter his feelings, his sense of cowardice would just get in the way.
Just like they get in the way of everything, he thought darkly.
He was scared out of his wits of what was happening to him, of the nightmares that were intensifying and increasing everything, of the feelings he had for Kamenashi.
And he was scared of how he felt when he was inside those nightmares, with a person who looked so much like Kamenashi, who had Kamenashi's name. He was scared of the vicious feelings he felt.
He was scared of Kamenashi trying to get closer to him, of him getting closer to Kamenashi…
In short, everything involving Kamenashi scared the hell out of him.
"Kazuya -” the door opened and Yamapi jumped nearly a foot in the air. He stared wide-eyed at Uchi.
"Oh, sorry, the door was open." Uchi said awkwardly; he was holding two cups of coffee, and he held one up, "Is Kazuya here?"
It seemed Uchi was more than aware of the problems between him and Kamenashi right now.
"I don't know," Yamapi frowned, "His door is closed but I didn't check."
"Oh, I'll go see then." Uchi said with a grin. His smile dropped for a moment as he looked at Yamapi, "No offense Yamashita, but you look even worse than Kazuya does."
Yamapi blinked.
"Which is odd, because he's the one that got rejected right?" Uchi continued, blinking almost innocently at Yamapi.
Yamapi flinched. He wondered how perceptive Uchi was, and if…
If he knows the truth somehow, that you like Kamenashi but you're too much of a goddamn coward to try anything? That hurting him is easier than possibly hurting yourself?
"Well!" Uchi said brightly after a moment, "Hey, want the rest of my drink? I think I've gotten too much caffeine and you look like you really need it."
Anything to get off the topic of Kamenashi and his feelings, Yamapi thought, as he slowly took the drink from Uchi. It didn't seem like there was much left, so what could it hurt? He then took a sip slowly, wondering if Uchi had done something horrible to the drink like spit in it to get revenge for what he had done to Kamenashi.
He licked his lips.
It tasted…like tea, but was…spicy for some reason.
"I thought you said it was caffeine…"
"Did I?" Uchi asked innocently, "Oops, that must have been Kazuya's drink that had caffeine. He'll be mad I drank most of it then."
The younger man wandered away to Kamenashi's door, and knocked on it a few times, "Kazuya, it's me. Open up."
There was no answer, and Yamapi watched awkwardly, before deciding to go back to his room. He left the door open, watching Uchi curiously.
"Kazuya, are you in there?" Uchi was saying.
Yamapi could barely register it. He felt really heavy all of a sudden.
Then, he suddenly yawned.
All those days of not sleeping well must have been catching up with him. It probably couldn’t hurt to lie down on his bed for a bit right? He'd just set his alarm so that he'd wake up in a few minutes…
So…sleepy…
"By the way," Uchi poked his head in the room, but Yamapi could barely register what he was saying, "Kazuya is actually asleep in my room because I slipped him the same thing he told me to slip you. You both look like hell." he said, "You more than him."
Yamapi's eyes widened as he tried to fight against the drowsiness.
"Don't worry, it's not sleeping pills or anything. Just some…" he pulled a slip of paper out of his pocket, "Passionflower herbal tea. Worked wonders on Kazuya. He told me to slip it to you but he looked pretty tired too so I tricked him into drinking some of the tea meant for you." Uchi waved with an unrepentant grin, "You won't sleep as long but at least both of you will stop looking like death warmed over."
Yamapi wanted to protest, to yell, but in the end, he didn't have the energy.
He succumbed to the drowsiness, cursing at Uchi in his mind. He didn't have it in him to curse Kamenashi too though.
* * *
The sky had taken on a pinkish hue as evening fell upon the estate; he crossed his arms as he surveyed the two from a distance, allowing the familiar feeling of intense hatred well up in his heart. The sight of them angered him beyond anything, and not for the first time, he wished that he could be rid of them, be rid of the sight that plagued him so much.
"Tomohisa-sama," he heard a voice call out. He turned to see his servant approaching, "Nishikido-sama is looking for you."
He rolled his eyes, resisting the urge to strike the man. He was in a terrible mood, one that he had constantly been in ever since Ryo and Kazuya had returned to the estate - welcomed with open arms by everyone else, it seemed. He was irked. For a few sweet months, it seemed as though things were really falling into place.
"I hear that Nishikido-sama is allowing the young master and Kazuya-sama's relationship." his servant continued hesitantly, upon seeing that Tomohisa wasn't going to do anything about the message he had brought, and following Tomohisa's gaze.
"Yes," Tomohisa said with gritted teeth, "How nice of him to allow his son a relationship that will lead to no legitimate heir. Of course, he's hardly one to talk about legitimate children is he?" he said cuttingly.
The servant stilled.
"You'd think that he'd want to escape from his mistakes instead of allowing his son to continue them." Tomohisa continued, knowing that the servant would know that if he spoke a word of this conversation to anyone, Tomohisa would make sure he wouldn’t spend another day working for any decent household, and he would become a beggar in the streets.
He was angry and bitter, that was for sure.
He watched as Ryo and Kazuya laughed quietly in the distance, and rage filled him again.
"The young master -”
Tomohisa turned and, in his rage, swung at the servant, glaring at the man as he fell, "I don't want to hear about the 'young master'. We're both from the same father, so I should have become the 'young master' when he abandoned his familial duties to chase after that -” Tomohisa refrained from saying what he wanted to say, and took a deep breath, "I may be the illegitimate son, but I'm the son who can actually continue the family line." he snarled.
The servant, thinking for the first time probably since he had approached Tomohisa, stayed silent, not offering another word.
"Eventually, my father will realize that." Tomohisa said in a bitter tone, walking away from the servant still sitting on the ground, not daring to move. He approached Ryo and Kazuya with as convincing of a smile as he could manage, while dark thoughts invaded his mind like a curse.
* * *
Yamapi woke up with a violent start, dark thoughts that were remnants of his nightmare slowly fading. His breathing was heavy as he tried to remember that the nightmare wasn’t real, and that he was in his room, safe in his room, away from - whatever those nightmares were.
He could hear voices arguing outside of his room.
“Aw, you’re just cranky that you got tricked,” Uchi’s voice was saying.
Yamapi gritted his teeth; he had a few choice words for the younger man about tricking him as well. He didn’t want to sleep, because look what happened when he did sleep - he got nightmares that he would be better off not knowing about if he’d just avoid sleeping!
“I’m still mad at you,” Kamenashi’s voice said bitingly.
“Hey, you’re the one who came up with the plan.”
“I didn’t mean for you to give me some,” Kamenashi’s voice was close to a whine, “I didn’t look that bad!”
Yamapi peeked through a crack in his door, seeing Kamenashi and Uchi sitting in the main area of their dorm.
“Well, you still looked like you needed some.” Uchi countered.
“Who decided that?” Kamenashi retorted.
“Ryo.” Uchi answered simply. Yamapi had to struggle to keep his breath calm; Ryo - in his nightmares, those he remembered, that was the other name...
It’s not possible…
These are just nightmares, just dreams…
I don’t even know someone named Ryo.
Yamapi did notice that Kamenashi gave a start of surprise at the name though, before a sardonic smirk crossed his face, “And how did Ryo know to tell you to drug me?”
“It wasn’t drugging! It was just tea. Honestly, you were so tired that it was just more effective on you than it was supposed to be. That says something about your exhaustion doesn’t it?” Uchi said pointedly.
Kamenashi merely stared at Uchi.
“Fine,” Uchi pouted, “I sent him a picture of you while you were spacing out in the library. He thought that it was appalling that you’d ‘let yourself sink even lower than his lowest expectations’ and told me to do something about it and suggested drugging you.”
To Yamapi’s utter surprise, Kamenashi had the start of a grin, “Ah, Ryo.” He said with a laugh, “So charming.”
“Isn’t he?” Uchi grinned back, “Actually, you know, he suggested that I give you lots of alcohol until you passed out, but when you came up with the plan to make Yamashita sleep…well, it was easier.”
Kamenashi rolled his eyes.
“You don’t seem mad anymore.”
“I’ve learned over the years that most of the time, arguing with Ryo is just not worth it.” Kamenashi said with a smirk, “It’s better to let him win a few times, then I get to win the rest of the time.”
Yamapi slowly opened the door a little more, curiously; this was a side of Kamenashi that he rarely saw. Kamenashi never acted this way with him, this joking way that was oddly refreshing.
Uchi burst out laughing, and then he stopped, “I think someone’s awake.” He said loudly.
Yamapi was caught by surprise and he fell out of his room in a very unceremonious manner. He stared up at the two younger man; Kamenashi’s expression had turned stony, and he had turned his head away. Uchi, however, had an awkward smile on his face.
“I’m just…I’ll be sending those pictures I took of you sleeping to Ryo.” Uchi said with a bright voice.
Kamenashi either didn’t care or didn’t hear; he merely stared down at the table before, after what seemed like an eternity, he turned to face Yamapi, “You look better.” He said in a tight tone of voice, before moving toward his room.
A part of Yamapi wanted to yell, to call after Kamenashi, to bang like a madman on Kamenashi’s door.
But another part of him was paralyzed by the nightmare, like a confirmation of why it was a good idea that he not let Kamenashi get any closer…
That part won.
Again.
And Yamapi hated himself a bit more.
* * *
----> part 3