I know, I know....

[anahata56]

It's been a long time since I've been here. In all honesty, life has been busy at best, crushingly so at worst. And I've found myself in this wordless place--probably because I've found myself in a place that has had life and circumstances swirling so madly around me that there has been no space to think a thought, let alone craft a sentence worthy

Comments

[griffen]

May I just say - I love you. Unconditionally. And I know that you'll get through this.

We should maybe talk sometime if you have the time and the spoons. *hugs*

[anahata56]

I love you, too--for real.

And yes--sooner rather than later.

[chelsearoad]

JUST *HUGS*.

Actually, just one hug, that would be all-encompassing and say, "You are so loved. And so deserving of that love."

[anahata56]

Thank you, Honey.

I thank my Deity, every day, for the blessing of friends. You are one of them.

[anahata56]

Thank you, Dear.

And you know--we really have to rectify that "not knowing as well as we'd like to" thing...;-)!

[lolleeroberts]

It is devastating to realize that the people who should love you without reservation do not, in fact, love you that way. Even if it's merely the overt realization of something you've felt subconsciously your entire life. Frankly, I have watched the hoops you jump through for your family with a sense of dismayed awe. I understand that on some level you are trying to treat them according to your morals, not theirs, but dayum.

And it speaks to how much we want our parents' love that we will try to contort ourselves into a shape they will accept, no matter what damage it causes us. And try, over and over again, to live up to those expectations, unless we find that we just cannot survive the process. In your case, the tipping point is being pagan and not the particularly virulent brand of Christianity they follow. For some, it's being gay, or liberal, or wanting to paint instead of study law, or move away and have a life of their own that doesn't involve being a parent's body slave

[anahata56]

It has become increasingly obvious to me, during this whole process, that my family's love is something I'll never get. My mother, literally, died disapproving of me, even as I proved to her, over and over, that I was the person who cared the most for her. I suppose there was something in her that believed that that was what was owed to her, but I tell you now, if it was, it was purely on the basis of the fact that she WAS my mother, and not my friend. And how pathetic is that for HER?

My mother allowed herself to die without ever knowing that what we could have had together could have been so much BETTER, if she had just let go of Jesus' hand for two minutes and taken mine.

I was there--I didn't see Jesus hanging out at her bedside as she ranted and hallucinated. And I don't think she saw him either. But I sure as hell was there. And sad to say, that didn't count for much where she was concerned--and once again, that's pathetic for HER.

I remember telling her one time how much I liked Jobe, and she said, "Of course you do--you're

[lolleeroberts]

I remember telling her one time how much I liked Jobe, and she said, "Of course you do--you're his mother." And I said, "No, I have to LOVE him because I'm his mother--liking him is purely on the basis of who we are as people."

She looked at me as if I had sprouted antenna. She just didn't get that at all--the idea that you could actually choose to like your child.

And how ironic is it that she didn't get that, and yet CHOSE not to like/love/trust you because she couldn't get past her religious blinders. Is it amazing how those rules only applied to YOU and not to them?

I also read the exchange between you and saavik. Charlie (and his friends, and hell, my family) sometimes could not understand why I stayed throughout the years of his illness and disability. No, I didn't have that romantic "twue wuv" every minute of every day, but to me love is doing what you need to do even when you don't feel like it. It helped that Charlie understood that my steadfastness was a strong expression of love, and that he was overtly appreciative

[anahata56]

And how ironic is it that she didn't get that, and yet CHOSE not to like/love/trust you because she couldn't get past her religious blinders. Is it amazing how those rules only applied to YOU and not to them?

You know what's sad? I don't think that she felt she did have a choice. I think that she had been so thoroughly brainwashed as to think that she had to reject a child who had rejected her beliefs. I think she believed that that was what her God expected of her--just as Abraham was expected to take a knife to Isaac because that's what God told him to do

[wolfette]

{{{{Beth

[anahata56]

I guess my biggest betrayal of them is that I actually did choose to have a life of my own--one that I still want. But the Irish got it right when they said, "A son is your son till he takes him a wife/A daughter's a daughter for all of her life." Because, yeah, it is the daughter who takes this role, and yeah, the sons get excused from taking the duty time and time again, with a free ride all along the way.

My brother and his wife have done NOTHING for that old man since he came home from their house. NOTHING. And are they rejected, or made to feel guilty about that? Not in the least. But me? Oh, the guilt gets dragged out time and time again, over and over, whenever I speak to my father--and I have been told that I must speak to him at least once a day. I guess that's to remind me of my obligations....

But the thing is...I don't want to hate my parents. I don't want to hate my family. I don't want to resent their presence in my life. But the more they eat my life, the more resentment builds up. And how absolutely pathetic is it

[hitchhiker]

yes, what she said!