You should probably make it clear, if it isn't already, that you can really only help by giving Aurora advice. You can't make her mom do anything. That's the kind of thing that may not be obvious to an 8-year-old, but I'm guessing it's something you've likely covered already.
You know, actually it hasn't been covered very well because she (Alli) has stated that the reason many things are happening is becuase of the court (and judge) and not her or my desires. It's made it very hard to give Aurora a clear map of why certain things are happening the way they are.
Aurora has a monolithic idea in her head that may of the things going on that she doesn't like are becuase a judge is making them be that way and not becuase of our choices one way or the other.
I'm trying to carefully explain where responsibility for certain choices lay and that is an incredibly hard topic to cover objectively.
The reality that I can only give Aurora advice and be a sounding board for her is really insightful. Thank you. On some intrinsic level I've adjusted my behavior that way already.
Hearing it put so succinctly is exactly what I needed.
That is good advice. On some level I've had to learn to do this with other peoples kids I've cared for as a nanny over the years when I strongly disagreed with the parents on something. It can be hard to do but well worth it. It gives kids the support they need without undermining the other parent.
I completely agree. Having been a baby-sitter (both for short periods of time -a few hours- and full on weekend excursions and regular sitting jobs that spanned every day the whole summer) it can be exceedingly difficult to be supportive when a child is allowed to do something I directly disagreed with. ESPECially in those rare cases when it went against my moral values. One thing my mom always tried to help me understand when I would tell her how frustrated I was at having to tolerate the behavior was that I was helping those kids in *their* life, not *mine*. Anything I did to directly combat what they were being taught by their parents would only serve to alienate and confuse them greatly, and ultimately *I* would be the one to suffer in the long run
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I won't say one parenting style versus the other is right, but your daughters have a lot of adjusting to do in a very short amount of time when switching households. It's hard on a little kid, ya know? :(
Can you imagine being a kid and being told that you need to change your clothes becuase they are too nice to wear to your dad's house, or becuase your dad is picking you up that day you can't wear them that day?
What does that say to a child?
What does that say about the kind of person that parent is?
To prize an article of clothing above the feelings of your child - that's not simply parenting style.
In dual home environments with turmoil, I think children often will say what they think the parent wants to hear in order to get what they perceive to be the most love, reward, "fun," etc.
Is it possible Aurora's mother's only reason was that the clothes were too nice? Maybe. Do the children wear their nice clothes you've bought them back to their mother's house? *shrug* Do they have nice clothes at your house? *shrug*
Have you TRULY been able to identify the reason she wasn't able to wear those clothes? The "blah blah blah blah" quote says to me that Aurora didn't reiterate the true explanation. It says to me that she's testing the waters to see how much slack or sway she can get
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The fact that you won't stand behind your words makes them less valuable - to me and to everyone.
Anonymous Coward.
And yes, I have been able to identify the reason, it's that Alli won't let them leave the house. I've talked with her about it, explained in painful detail how it affects the girls and I've received a deaf ear.
Making your child change just so you can control where specific clothes they own is putting the cart before the horse. Don't be stupid - it's a shitty thing to do and a shitty thing to experience as a child. There's no excuse for it.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, will erase that my darling children now have a memory, many of them in fact, of her mother disregarding her feelings so that she can control where articles of clothing that won't matter in 6 months go.
What better way to say I don't care about you as much as I care about an intimate object.
It's like she wants them to be less happy here and anything she can do, including making them less comfortable, she'll do.
my kids' mom did the exact same sort of BS with the clothes and possesions. I let them wear whatever they wanted (weather appropriate ;-) ) and if it wasn;t an exchange forma school day she would make sure they were in the rattiest things. I attempted to talk to her but eventually stopped beating my head against the wall and jsut spent more money on clothes than I should have had to in order to make sure they also had nice stuff at my place (since they would often want to wear their "nicer clothes" and I would not restrict them from wearing them to their mom's because then I would be doing the same thing. meh. it's hard but the only thing that can make it harder is railing against it when you *know* nothign you do will change it. the kids know what's going on and that's enough.
You're completely right - and that's exactly what we also did.
Right after writing this we went and got $500 worth of clothes for them, again. There really isn't any other solution - I could give a damn about the money, it's how hurt she is that her Mom won't listen to how she feels.
Take her shopping and buy her some things for just your house.
Maybe mom just doesn't want to deal with the hassle of keeping track of her stuff and at her age she's likely to be forgetting to bring things back. It's hard enough to keep track of their school stuff let alone clothes and toys that are always coming and going.
Oh we have, we did so again tonight. Another $500 worth in fact.
The reality that we buy new clothes and we allow Aurora to wear what she wants so good new clothes go that direction but Alli specifically goes out of her way to make Aurora change out of clothes that fit or are newer so they don't come this direction is terrible to her.
I would maintain the clothes belong to the child not the adult.
I have bought new toys for them to see them go that direction and not come back - I don't complain to the kids (or her) or even need/want them to come back. I want them to be used how the kids want them to be used. If I had an item that was important to come back I'd just let her know.
I don't think there is anything wrong with either approach and I suspect this is a common difference of ideas among divorced parents and just one of many things children with divorced parents need to learn to navigate
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Aurora has a monolithic idea in her head that may of the things going on that she doesn't like are becuase a judge is making them be that way and not becuase of our choices one way or the other.
I'm trying to carefully explain where responsibility for certain choices lay and that is an incredibly hard topic to cover objectively.
The reality that I can only give Aurora advice and be a sounding board for her is really insightful. Thank you. On some intrinsic level I've adjusted my behavior that way already.
Hearing it put so succinctly is exactly what I needed.
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What does that say to a child?
What does that say about the kind of person that parent is?
To prize an article of clothing above the feelings of your child - that's not simply parenting style.
Reply
Is it possible Aurora's mother's only reason was that the clothes were too nice? Maybe. Do the children wear their nice clothes you've bought them back to their mother's house? *shrug* Do they have nice clothes at your house? *shrug*
Have you TRULY been able to identify the reason she wasn't able to wear those clothes? The "blah blah blah blah" quote says to me that Aurora didn't reiterate the true explanation. It says to me that she's testing the waters to see how much slack or sway she can get ( ... )
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Anonymous Coward.
And yes, I have been able to identify the reason, it's that Alli won't let them leave the house. I've talked with her about it, explained in painful detail how it affects the girls and I've received a deaf ear.
Making your child change just so you can control where specific clothes they own is putting the cart before the horse. Don't be stupid - it's a shitty thing to do and a shitty thing to experience as a child. There's no excuse for it.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, will erase that my darling children now have a memory, many of them in fact, of her mother disregarding her feelings so that she can control where articles of clothing that won't matter in 6 months go.
What better way to say I don't care about you as much as I care about an intimate object.
It's like she wants them to be less happy here and anything she can do, including making them less comfortable, she'll do.
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Right after writing this we went and got $500 worth of clothes for them, again. There really isn't any other solution - I could give a damn about the money, it's how hurt she is that her Mom won't listen to how she feels.
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Maybe mom just doesn't want to deal with the hassle of keeping track of her stuff and at her age she's likely to be forgetting to bring things back. It's hard enough to keep track of their school stuff let alone clothes and toys that are always coming and going.
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The reality that we buy new clothes and we allow Aurora to wear what she wants so good new clothes go that direction but Alli specifically goes out of her way to make Aurora change out of clothes that fit or are newer so they don't come this direction is terrible to her.
I would maintain the clothes belong to the child not the adult.
I have bought new toys for them to see them go that direction and not come back - I don't complain to the kids (or her) or even need/want them to come back. I want them to be used how the kids want them to be used. If I had an item that was important to come back I'd just let her know.
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Blarg. Blargity BLARG BLARG BLARG!!!
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