Comments | angrydwarf: epiphanies you already had

angrydwarf

epiphanies you already had

Aug 07, 2013 16:09

The problem is passivity. I have been a passenger on the spaceship of my life for 33 years. To use a Hardwick metaphor, I'm on the ghost ship. Without getting too far up the rabbit's asshole as to reasons-why and like that, basically I have never really shared myself with another person. I don't just mean romantically, i mean interpersonally all ( Read more... )

Comments 6

gong_show_hero August 13 2013, 18:35:10 UTC

I like your title to this entry, because it's true. Something about being married has made a few things click for me, and though I think about them in different ways, you aren't revealing anything that hasn't already occurred to me. The catch is, I'm a Vanessa. I'm the one who finds family and social situations easier to navigate (but then again, I find them more devastating to fail at, because I am so invested). Loving someone enough to be with them for a long time and marry them is difficult, and not just because it makes you vulnerable and pulls you into situations you'd rather avoid. It's because we often love people who are different from us, because they are (in our eyes), unique and wonderfully refreshing compared to ourselves. But loving someone different from you is hard, because most of the struggle becomes navigating the differences; interpreting them accurately. Calvin is often the one who looks at me and says, "how do I be like 'people'?"

angrydwarf August 13 2013, 19:11:05 UTC

We've been married six years(together 11....kinda stunning that) and i figured that as time wore on I'd get over that whole thing of "How did I do that? How did I convince this woman, who is whatnot-and-soforth-and-like-that compared to me that I was worth it?" I have not, as yet, discerned how to do that, among other things. Nothing is new, nothing is really revelatory, but you still feel the need to notice yourself noticing, i guess.

punkin495 August 16 2013, 04:42:43 UTC

1) We all have Impostor Syndrome when it comes to stuff like that.
2) Being your authentic self is one of the most difficult things to be or do. But it doesn't have to be a full on-switch. You can gradually let your facade fall and let people see the sticky parts of you.

There's a you-shaped hole in the universe. It's time for you to fill it.

anonymousblack August 23 2013, 01:44:40 UTC

hello, fellow e4. admission is the first step ( ... )

angrydwarf August 23 2013, 06:04:24 UTC

Thank you Judy. I would love a copy, and am a patient recipient of mail. And it was never my intention to be here for as long as we have been. It was just a series of unfortunate events. And there is light at the end of the tunnel, as we have a plan and an end date and all that. Alan Watts is helpful, because it is easier to listen to him than to me sometimes, and you know.....the thing about all this is, I have been using this space as a crazyperson dumping ground, so that anyone who just stumbles upon it and reads over the last few entries would probably imagine i was some kind of deeply depressed, horribly unhappy person, and I'm not. I recognize there are good things in my life. I have a partner who is ridiculously understanding,and understands me in ways no one else does, as I do her. I have a skill set which, to my shock and amazement, is useful. i have the best dog of all dogs. That last one is uberimportant, even if my mother in law thinks I'm silly about him. I think a lot of things about her too. But, that is beside the ( ... )

anonymousblack September 5 2013, 02:22:01 UTC

ack! i did not even see this until i checked back tonight on a hunch. please remember to use reply with me, because i am overly reliant on notifications.

i'm too far gone with tonight's entirely unrelated silly facebook opera to switch gears tonight, but i will leave a proper response for this in the next few days. be well, liam.