Nature can do what it will with my body, and inevitably I will be no more. Through my body nature might cause me to suffer greatly from time to time while I am here. Through my chemistry, I may be swayed. I may struggle against the curents of my chemistry from time to time. But I can steer my path through reality, and make choices in spite of those ( Read more... )

For a moment I was in your city, and I was contemplating where I could go to talk to someone. It's nearly 2AM on the east coast, so 11PM there. Coronavirus is keeping everyone at home. I came there for only a moment, to consider whether or not I could survive the climate of isolation in a walled garden in the mountains. I was listening to your ( Read more... )

 If purpose has passed over my head in the night and brushed against my eyelids, I wouldn't know. But certainly to struggle and rise above, to face the day, to solve problems, to better ourselves and each other, to improve upon existing ideas, to create new technology, to teach, to love, to share, to cherish, to hold something above, to always ( Read more... )

I did not die. I still have strange health problems. I had the worst panic attack of my life when writing my last entry. It blew the ceiling off of what I understood panic attacks to be capable of contorting my thoughts into. I was utterly convinced of my demise, and I am still shaken from it. Trying to piece life back together so that when my ( Read more... )

A week ago, something happened. I don't know what, and I'm hoping for a doctor to clue me in as soon as possible. I started feeling dizzy, almost like I was having motion sickness or mild vertigo throughout the day. Within a couple of days I was feeling it more, with the exception of Sunday when Ellen and I took a walk and I felt overall fine. But ( Read more... )

(I am now and always writing from a place of uncertainty, burdened by the clouds of anxieties and other goings-on of brain chemistry, but punctuated by clarity like a flawless blue sky. We decide when a sky is flawless, and our ability to decide on a whim when anything has meaning or is of value is perhaps my greatest anxiety.)

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It takes me away from myself to somewhere
I can't be for long without losing myself for days
to a year - I lost myself that long last time and
I feel it's worth keeping a record so that when
it happens again - and it will - I might hesitate
Four days away I've found - four days away
from that somewhere - will revive me in part
Enough to begin at least to ( Read more... )

So you look up into the starlight
A Vestal Virgin's holy fire shines
Broken waves of thought rise
Embers of identity expiring

Green lights over Giza guide you
Dark eyes reflecting only night
The world seems oddly makeshift
Amidst these Hellenistic rites

Amplified by a youthful glory
You held the banner in your teeth
"We're headed in the same direction"
For ( Read more... )

I've had the luxury of being sad for most of my life. I have been sad about memories, about songs, about my jobs, about my inner struggles. But natural and unwanted sadness it turns out, I learn at 35, is a deeper and scarier experience than I could have imagined, and I feel like a fool for worshipping at its alter all of these years.

Sadness is ( Read more... )

It takes only the prospect of a few extra days off of my day job for gears to start turning in me. Making me wonder who I am, who I will die as. Nothing as dramatic as that, but essentially just that. I've been browsing through artists from the 80s and 90s who drew the glorious cover artwork for sci fi books and video games, notably John Berkey ( Read more... )