Meta: The Writing Of Hotel Starlight
Rambling on about the writing of Hotel Starlight, which was written for blind_go Round Six. I've got a lot to get off my chest, so this is going to be long, and is therefore cut in its entirety. It's not an apology, btw--I just wanted to say things merely because I need to.
On Casting Choices and Other Characterization Issues
Every single round, people go, "Aha, found you!" As I have this darned weird way of getting guessed through comments, I wanted to make sure I had plenty of red herrings strewn about to cause confusion, and so I decided to write a character I hadn't written for blind_go before. This meant no Isumi, no Ogata, no Sai. As I was writing Pearly Gates and had done A Deeper Calm not that long ago, I didn't want to write Touya Kouyou either. I thought I would choose someone I'd actually written before instead of attempting someone I'd never tried, which meant no Mitani, and I categorically refused to write Hikaru or Akira (I've never been a fan of doing something ten other people will do.)
That left Iijima, who I had written twice--once in Iijima-POV (Coming Home), and once in Isumi-POV (Untroubled Sky). When the theme of the round was announced (Smut or Gen), I said to verloren1983 that she was a known smut writer while I was a known gen writer, so perhaps we should swap and see how many people we confused. Iijima-smut it was. But with who?
Immediately, I knew. My headcanon!Iijima carries an obvious (and possibly hopeless) torch for Nase. Who else would prickly, selfish Iijima want to be that intimate with? Well, that was Mistake #1: If you don't know the first thing about a character, blind_go is certainly not the place to start writing a 5k-word fic with her in it.
Nase has been an incredibly difficult character to write, and there were moments where I was ready to give up and forfeit from the challenge. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who has this problem, but when I identify too closely with a character, or want too much to be a character, it's almost impossible for me to write that character without inserting myself. At the same time, I'm quite aware that Nase and I react very differently. A second problem has been that the original plot required some very OOC actions, and I'm not sure I excised everything. I'm still not entirely happy with the Nase, and it may or may not show.
On Character Motivation
There was a big hole in the story, and it was, "Why is Nase with Iijima? What does she see in him?" I was hoping I had managed to hide this well enough, but it's pretty clear I didn't at all. I wanted to write something different, and so the original plan was to have Nase dump Iijima (leave him high and dry, if possible.) Up to the line He reached across the sheets I had left things open. Nase could leave. Iijima could mess up incredibly, and ruin things forever. The fic would end with Nase walking out the door, and Iijima heartbroken in a tiny little room in a love hotel in Uguisudani.
Unfortunately, I didn't--couldn't--make Iijima do it. It wasn't going to happen without some very OOC actions, and Iijima, the idiot, was far too much in love to even think about doing anything Nase didn't want to do.
I panicked, threw myself at chaineddove's feet, and laid out my tale. After some discussion, it was quite clear I had no idea how to get from where I was (post-Iijima-climax) to where I wanted to be (Nase walking out). I had a choice: rewrite 3000 words of smut, or change my goal to something more realistic. So I ditched my old plan and wrote towards a happy(-ish) ending. Mistake #2: If the fic results in a significant change of direction and registers a huge emotional shift, either rewrite the whole thing from scratch, or ABANDON SHIP. The fic's horrible shift in mood and incredible uneveness of motivation may be attributed to that last minute switch. I was (still am) of the opinion Nase felt sorry enough for him (and flattered enough to be loved so much) that she gave in and finally allowed him to attempt to woo her in earnest. I just wish I had the ability to write the darned thing the way I wanted to.
On Emotion and Distance
Emotion takes a lot out of a person. People who know me may know I have been somewhat emotionally drained (moving, deadline stress, financial problems). It's obviously showing in this fic, because it is incredibly distanced for sex. I couldn't write a love-filled romance, so I wanted to write empty coupling based on a one-sided emotion (Iijima's worshipping of Nase).
Judging from comments and concrit, I succeeded in the wrong way. readerofasaph, who finally took pity on me and looked at the fic one week before reveals, said, "It feels like the author herself is turning her face away from the emotional realities of the characters."
This is painfully accurate. Het sex is a little too close to home (the only type I've had experience in), and so I distance myself. I don't want to write the same thing over and over again, but certain things turn me on in a way that others don't. I also think writing sex is laying bare a little too much of my soul.
issen4 said in her crit that "I do think that the blind Go part could have been shorter so that it didn't feel like sex-by-numbers." Guilty as charged. The sex actually makes more sense if you look at the kifu and follow the moves. I was stuck, I had no motivation, and finally I gave up, said, "Oh, heck, they're go-obsessed, even sex can be about go." I pulled up kifu on the internet, and I started writing sex to go with the moves on the board. Mistake #3: If you can't feel it, don't write it.
On the Theme, "Reaching"
Yes, the many uses of the word "reach" (at least, in the beginning) were intentional. This was not meant to be a relationship that would end well. All the "reach" verbs were supposed to subconsciously reinforce the sensation of distance between Iijima and Nase so that when Nase walked out, people wouldn't be as surprised (because it would have been hinted at all along). I also do think that Nase is indeed out of Iijima's league. I suspect that Iijima has some hidden esteem issues that come from the frustration of never having passed the pro exam.
And then I changed my mind and decided to try for a happy ending, but forgot about taking out the "reaching" and putting in "bridging". XD Just goes to show I fail. Mistake #4: Dammit, Ai, when you change direction, TAKE THE FIC WITH YOU.
Final Thoughts
Lesson I'm taking away from this fic: if the end of the fic changes to one with a significantly different emotional tone, then please, for the sake of everything I hold dear in storytelling, rewrite the entire fic or abandon it and start over.
Yet for all that, I'm strangely content. I pushed myself in this fic and took a number of risks:
That doesn't mean I don't welcome concrit. ^_^ If you want to read it, here is Hotel Starlight.
Note to self: Anon crit on the anon meme here.
On Casting Choices and Other Characterization Issues
Every single round, people go, "Aha, found you!" As I have this darned weird way of getting guessed through comments, I wanted to make sure I had plenty of red herrings strewn about to cause confusion, and so I decided to write a character I hadn't written for blind_go before. This meant no Isumi, no Ogata, no Sai. As I was writing Pearly Gates and had done A Deeper Calm not that long ago, I didn't want to write Touya Kouyou either. I thought I would choose someone I'd actually written before instead of attempting someone I'd never tried, which meant no Mitani, and I categorically refused to write Hikaru or Akira (I've never been a fan of doing something ten other people will do.)
That left Iijima, who I had written twice--once in Iijima-POV (Coming Home), and once in Isumi-POV (Untroubled Sky). When the theme of the round was announced (Smut or Gen), I said to verloren1983 that she was a known smut writer while I was a known gen writer, so perhaps we should swap and see how many people we confused. Iijima-smut it was. But with who?
Immediately, I knew. My headcanon!Iijima carries an obvious (and possibly hopeless) torch for Nase. Who else would prickly, selfish Iijima want to be that intimate with? Well, that was Mistake #1: If you don't know the first thing about a character, blind_go is certainly not the place to start writing a 5k-word fic with her in it.
Nase has been an incredibly difficult character to write, and there were moments where I was ready to give up and forfeit from the challenge. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who has this problem, but when I identify too closely with a character, or want too much to be a character, it's almost impossible for me to write that character without inserting myself. At the same time, I'm quite aware that Nase and I react very differently. A second problem has been that the original plot required some very OOC actions, and I'm not sure I excised everything. I'm still not entirely happy with the Nase, and it may or may not show.
On Character Motivation
There was a big hole in the story, and it was, "Why is Nase with Iijima? What does she see in him?" I was hoping I had managed to hide this well enough, but it's pretty clear I didn't at all. I wanted to write something different, and so the original plan was to have Nase dump Iijima (leave him high and dry, if possible.) Up to the line He reached across the sheets I had left things open. Nase could leave. Iijima could mess up incredibly, and ruin things forever. The fic would end with Nase walking out the door, and Iijima heartbroken in a tiny little room in a love hotel in Uguisudani.
Unfortunately, I didn't--couldn't--make Iijima do it. It wasn't going to happen without some very OOC actions, and Iijima, the idiot, was far too much in love to even think about doing anything Nase didn't want to do.
I panicked, threw myself at chaineddove's feet, and laid out my tale. After some discussion, it was quite clear I had no idea how to get from where I was (post-Iijima-climax) to where I wanted to be (Nase walking out). I had a choice: rewrite 3000 words of smut, or change my goal to something more realistic. So I ditched my old plan and wrote towards a happy(-ish) ending. Mistake #2: If the fic results in a significant change of direction and registers a huge emotional shift, either rewrite the whole thing from scratch, or ABANDON SHIP. The fic's horrible shift in mood and incredible uneveness of motivation may be attributed to that last minute switch. I was (still am) of the opinion Nase felt sorry enough for him (and flattered enough to be loved so much) that she gave in and finally allowed him to attempt to woo her in earnest. I just wish I had the ability to write the darned thing the way I wanted to.
On Emotion and Distance
Emotion takes a lot out of a person. People who know me may know I have been somewhat emotionally drained (moving, deadline stress, financial problems). It's obviously showing in this fic, because it is incredibly distanced for sex. I couldn't write a love-filled romance, so I wanted to write empty coupling based on a one-sided emotion (Iijima's worshipping of Nase).
Judging from comments and concrit, I succeeded in the wrong way. readerofasaph, who finally took pity on me and looked at the fic one week before reveals, said, "It feels like the author herself is turning her face away from the emotional realities of the characters."
This is painfully accurate. Het sex is a little too close to home (the only type I've had experience in), and so I distance myself. I don't want to write the same thing over and over again, but certain things turn me on in a way that others don't. I also think writing sex is laying bare a little too much of my soul.
issen4 said in her crit that "I do think that the blind Go part could have been shorter so that it didn't feel like sex-by-numbers." Guilty as charged. The sex actually makes more sense if you look at the kifu and follow the moves. I was stuck, I had no motivation, and finally I gave up, said, "Oh, heck, they're go-obsessed, even sex can be about go." I pulled up kifu on the internet, and I started writing sex to go with the moves on the board. Mistake #3: If you can't feel it, don't write it.
On the Theme, "Reaching"
Yes, the many uses of the word "reach" (at least, in the beginning) were intentional. This was not meant to be a relationship that would end well. All the "reach" verbs were supposed to subconsciously reinforce the sensation of distance between Iijima and Nase so that when Nase walked out, people wouldn't be as surprised (because it would have been hinted at all along). I also do think that Nase is indeed out of Iijima's league. I suspect that Iijima has some hidden esteem issues that come from the frustration of never having passed the pro exam.
And then I changed my mind and decided to try for a happy ending, but forgot about taking out the "reaching" and putting in "bridging". XD Just goes to show I fail. Mistake #4: Dammit, Ai, when you change direction, TAKE THE FIC WITH YOU.
Final Thoughts
Lesson I'm taking away from this fic: if the end of the fic changes to one with a significantly different emotional tone, then please, for the sake of everything I hold dear in storytelling, rewrite the entire fic or abandon it and start over.
Yet for all that, I'm strangely content. I pushed myself in this fic and took a number of risks:
- First actual het smut
- Only one person comes (and it's not all happy-happy)
- Woman emasculates man
- Smut with unfamiliar characters
- Cinematic-style show-not-tell
That doesn't mean I don't welcome concrit. ^_^ If you want to read it, here is Hotel Starlight.
Note to self: Anon crit on the anon meme here.