HOUSE OF BROKEN SOULS Part 11
Warnings: This Chapter: None. Overall: Slash, sexually explicit content, graphic violence
The fiction includes a mental illness storyline. I am not qualified in mental health, everything I know about it is googled. It's fantasy folks, please don't shoot me though helpful criticism is always welcomed.
*Not real. The folks aren't mine. No damage intended.
New Dawn
Sunday
The doctor showed himself out. Then they were alone together, sat on a cramped sofa in a silent apartment with a broken door, both struggling to work out what came next.
“I should, er, my babies they’ll be.... I should probably go see to them. I um. Are you? I mean, do you want to come home with me? Oh no! I mean for coffee” Jared’s hazel eyes were fixed on Jensen’s face as he attempted to utter a full sentence.
Jensen was looking at him, a faint smile playing on his full pink lips and for a moment he reached his hand toward Jared as if to hold the younger man’s hand. At the last moment his hand changed direction and Jensen scratched at the stubble on his own chin.
Jared took a deep breath and composed himself before speaking again. “It’s about time I’d be getting up anyhow, I figure I’ll grab a strong coffee and go walk the dogs.”
Jensen chuckled faintly “Dude, its 6am, it’s Sunday, are you mad?”
“I guess I’m a bit of a morning person. I like sunrise. The local park, on a fine morning, there’s a lake and the reflections of the sun and trees on the water, it’s just awesome. Then the ducks wake up and are like ‘feed me’ ‘feed me’ and they waddle after me like I’m the pied piper or something, then Harley or Sadie will get all excited and bark at them and they’ll fly up and splash back down on the water and the reflection of the sunrise goes all ripply.” Jared paused for breath, realizing he was rambling.
“Come with me?” he asked then bit his lip, his eyes briefly resting on Jensen’s cane. He wondered what injuries Jensen was carrying and whether he was even able to consider Jared’s offer.
Jensen had never enjoyed mornings, never considered dawn a good time of the day to be awake, but Jared’s eyes sparkled and his enthusiasm was infectious. Jensen thought that sunrise on this Sunday could be the most beautiful sight ever, but only if Jared was a part of it. His keen eye caught the flicker of discomfort as Jared glanced at his stick. It had taken time to adjust to the reaction of others to his disability and mostly he just felt guilty for making them uncomfortable. He was quick to reassure the taller man. “Yeah. I think I’d like that. My physiotherapist would think it’s a fabulous idea. So where’s that coffee you promised? ‘cause you know that tea earlier sucked.”
“You made that tea.” Jared ribbed.
“Yeah and it sucked.”
“Yeah. It did.” When Jared laughed it was full, throaty and full of dimples and Jensen smiled too.
****
Weak sunlight shone low through the trees in the park. Leaves scattered and crunched as Jared and Jensen strolled along the path by the lake. Up ahead Harley and Sadie gambolled, sniffed and wagged their tails with enthusiasm.
Dawn had been rich with pink, green and purple hues, reflecting on low scudding clouds and into the depths of the lake. It had been everything Jared had promised Jensen and more. They walked, shoulder to shoulder, deep in their own thoughts and memories. An unexpected streak of grey fur dashed from one of the trees and Jensen almost tripped on the squirrel that then attempted to climb Jared’s leg.
“Hey fella” Jared spoke uncharacteristically quietly and produced some seed from his pocket which the squirrel snatched and proceeded to stuff into his cheeks. Jared crouched down and hand fed more seed mix to the bush-tailed creature. “You should be hibernating by now, but this is good, you get to meet Jensen.”
Jared handed some seed to Jensen “Just hold it out, he doesn’t bite.” “Secret Squirrel meet Jensen Ackles who points guns at people, Jensen this is Secret Squirrel, a particular and fine, furry friend of mine.”
Jensen arched his eyebrow at Jared. Jared just shrugged.
“We, Chris and I, found him here one morning. He was still a kitten and something had taken a chunk from him but he was still breathing. You can’t just leave that alone y’know. So we took him home. So, he mended and Chris said we couldn’t keep him. Which I kinda knew, but he was cute and little and I wanted to but Chris was right, so here he is. I think he’s happy here, got himself a girlfriend and maybe he’ll have kittens in Spring.”
Secret stuffed his cheeks till they were full, allowed Jared to softly brush his tail with his huge hand, then rushed off, to hide his stash, as quickly as he had arrived.
“Chris always said I picked up too many strays. He got so frustrated with me. I guess he was right.” The brunette spoke to no-one in particular, as if he had forgotten that Jensen was present.
“Ex?” said Jensen softly.
“We were together awhile.” Jared’s expression was distant “ S’funny, I guess he was one of my strays. Stupid really. A one night stand that got out of hand.”
Jensen thought he had never seen anyone look as indescribably sad as Jared at that moment. He turned in toward Jared, closing the distance between them and placed his hand briefly on Jared’s shoulder.
“Thanks.” Jared sniffed slightly at the comfort being offered. “How about you? Any great romance stories for you to publish in your old age?” It was then that the architect noticed it, the thin band of gold that Jensen was twisting, the deep frown of pain on his face. “I was married. It was good. We were good together. I used to take flowers, but he never really liked them. Used to make him sneeze and it’s just a cold hole in the ground anyway. He’s not there, was gone even before he died.”
Jared wasn’t sure he understood the words but the tears were unmistakeable.
He looped his long arm around Jensen’s shoulder and pulled him close, letting Jensen lean against him and they walked back to Madison House Mansions pressed against each others' side.
****
Jensen swirled the lunch dishes in soapy water whilst Jared wiped. He studied the foam as it formed shapes, then broke up and reformed. He reflected on the previous night’s events and wondered what he was doing, still with Jared, doing domestic things, in his apartment, hours after the police and Doctor had left them sitting together. He specifically wondered how he had become so comfortable in the tall man’s company, so very quickly. He surmised that it was a characteristic unique to Jared. Jared picked up strays. Maybe Jensen qualified as one of those strays.
“This apartment is amazing Jared.” Jensen spoke up. He had been impressed when he first walked through the door but as he got used to it, details like the way the lighting was arranged became obvious.
“Thanks. This building was one of my first. I got to try lots of ideas here, especially with this apartment. It was always going to be mine, so I could afford to make mistakes. I can give you the tour if you like.”
“Like, the private tour?” Jensen licked his lips and smirked, an old habit from years of double entendres on the Force.
Jared shifted uneasily “Oh. I meant there’s features you might not expect. Follow me.” he walked out of the kitchen and across the living room, to the paneled library area. He snagged a catch within one of the shelves and the shelf unit swung away, forming a door. “My office.”
Jensen whistled. The architect’s office had clean lines and gentle natural light infusing through frosted glass. The furniture was over-sized, like its owner and constructed in pure wooden tones and soft leather. There was an optional sliding panel to the inner office, where floor-plans, elevations and photographs coated the walls and elegant wall-shelves held miniature scale models of buildings with stick figures and tiny trees. There was a small lobby with a coat-stand and mailbox that led to a main door onto the sidewalk. Jensen vaguely remembered walking past the corner office, wondering about its place in the mostly residential district. He remembered the plain black door plate. He had never read the inscription.
“I wanted to work from home but I also wanted to separate my work and home life.” Jared explained.
“It’s incredible Jared. Are all your buildings like this?”
“God no! Budgets and physical constraints, but I like to do what I can with what I’ve got. C’mon, there’s something else you need to see.”
Jared led him back to the corridor and opened a door which looked like it led into a cupboard. Jared stepped back to let him peer in. There was a spiral staircase leading up to the second floor. Jared swung up the stairs and pushed a side-panel that opened a door at the top. “You coming?”
As the door behind him swung closed Jensen realized that he was in Caitlin’s apartment. Jared’s jaw was set tensely and he was looking at Jensen seriously. “I guess this would be a good place to start explaining Caitlin.” He pointed to the door that had slammed shut behind them.
“This apartment is an extension of mine. This door opens from my apartment so I can get here quickly in an emergency, but it doesn’t open from this side. Caitlin can’t get into my apartment without my knowledge.” He continued through, pointing at the kitchen “There are no knives or sharp objects in this home, even the mirrors are shatter-proof. The windows are toughened and locked.” He opened the door to the master-bedroom “There is an intercom device which is switched on at night or any other time. It can be switched off from this room, but we have an agreement.”
“and this?” Jensen pointed to a locked wall cupboard in the corridor
“It’s a meds cabinet. There are 3 keys, I have one, the doc has one and Misha has the other. The room next to it is the safe room.” Jensen opened the solid door, noting the fish eye viewing lens and outside lock. The walls were solid but softly padded and there was a simple cot bed and blankets. Jared sat on the bed and lifted the soft restraints for Jensen to see. “Generally they don’t bruise but if someone struggles enough then they will.” Jared looked up into green-gold eyes, searching for understanding and was rewarded with a slow nod of Jensen’s head.
There was a moment of silence and Jensen felt the need to fill it “So what’s with the plants in the hall?” he asked.
“Oh. You noticed that? It’s like a mood indicator. Plant to the left of the door means Caitlin is fine and feeling up to having company. Plant to the right of the door, she’s fine but would rather be alone. Plants all over the place means she’s rearranging everything, which means she’s stressed!” he looked slightly embarrassed. “Works though.”
“I’ll try to remember it all.”
“We should have a beer.” Jared changed the subject abruptly, rubbing at his temples “I’ve got some in my fridge. We should go back and finish this.”
Jensen recognized the strain in Jared’s features and understood that, for whatever reason, this topic was difficult for him.
“Sure”
****
The beer was cool and welcome. Jared stretched out on one of his over sized couches and elongated his neck to drink, lips closed about the rim of the bottle. His soft hair fell back as he did so and Jensen practically choked on his own beer as his eyes were drawn to the sight. His memories of the previous night’s encounter were fresh and the comparison too close. He fought to maintain his cool by mentally reciting multiplication tables and was relieved when Jared dropped the bottle back onto the coffee table.
Jared closed his eyes, as if composing his thoughts and started to speak.
“Jeff, my older brother, is, no was, a paranoid schizophrenic. He was brilliant, so clever, but whatever he did, this illness, it shattered him. He wasn’t violent. In a bad bout he would be crazy, loud and scary and he would frighten people, sometimes the police would be called and they’d call me. It became a sort of routine, the good days and bad and the awful days when he would try to kill himself. I built this apartment, the safe room, everything for him and on the good days he could be independent, on the bad days I would be here for him. On the really awful days I would admit him to Glenview Psychiatric Hospital with Doc Carver.”
Jared stopped, tensed up and placed his head in his hands
.
“You OK?”
“Not really.”
Jensen slid off the couch he was on and sat down next to the younger man. He placed his hand on Jared’s back and rubbed gently. “I’m not sure what this has to do with Caitlin, Jared.”
“You can call me Jay.” His voice was quiet and broken up.
“So, Jay?”
“I got Chris and he didn’t understand and I got selfish” he whispered. “I didn’t see how it affected Jeff and he went off the deep end and I put him in Glenview. ”
Jensen didn’t comment, just let him continue.
“I would visit and after a while it seemed OK. He told me about a new girl called Caitlin. How she was helping him and I was grateful for that, Doc Carver’s staff working their magic. I thought he should come back, I told him he would come back soon but it’s never that easy and he frightened Chris, so I kept visiting and putting it off. Then one day I told the Doc how grateful I was for putting Caitlin with him and he had to explain the truth to me. Caitlin was a patient, a patient for chrissakes and the doc had no idea there was a relationship going on.
Caitlin never spoke to anyone, never actively participated in therapy, was scared of everyone except, Jeff, with whom she would have quiet conversations in corners. She was in for observation. Apparently she was found holding the knife, next to her stabbed pimp and attacked a cop while being arrested. By all accounts she's a real psycho and a joy with a knife. Caitlin isn't even a real name. She was named after a celebrity cook, who hosts a show she always watched on the ward. Nobody really has a clue what her name is.
I was furious with Jeff and told him to stop whatever it was that was going on and he was furious back. When we worked through it, he asked me to meet her, so I did. And you know, I kind of liked her. Caitlin is sweet, gentle, incredibly bright, obviously well educated, just permanently scared, of just about everyone. I would go visit Jeff and gradually she started to speak to me too. Jeff was having some good days and I wanted him back here. Chris wasn’t so keen” Jared took a long shuddering breath before continuing.
“Chris went to visit Jeff on his own, to explain the ‘stress’ that caring for him caused me and at first Jeff asked to be kept in under his own instruction, which he could do. That was when I finally woke up and told Chris to leave. I chose my brother.”
Jensen watched as tears gathered at the edge of Jared’s eyes and he took another swig from his bottle. “It was too late. Jeff finally managed to kill himself. While Chris was packing he signed himself out. As a voluntary patient he could do that too. He threw himself in front of a train. Chris still left me. I lost both of them.”
He blinked his hazel eyes, squeezing tears away.
“What I gained was Caitlin. Jeff left a note for me. Didn’t say much. Sorry for being a pain in the ass big brother. Sorry he couldn’t carry on. Please don’t let them lock Caitlin away forever. Please look after Caitlin and don’t let anyone hurt her again. Of course, I’m no expert and there was nothing I could do about Caitlin but Doc Carver had seen the note and that’s where things got complicated.”
Jared was back on track now, his tears dried and Jensen stilled the massage and rested his hand gently on the nape of Jared’s neck.
“Caitlin’s observation period was almost over. Doc Carver had made his diagnosis and no-one was found to identify her or take responsibility for her. He told me he was classifying her as a vulnerable adult with capacity for harming others and requiring supervised treatment. With nobody to take responsibility for her whereabouts and meds the only available option was to have her formally committed to an institution. Since there was nobody to fund her stay in private facilities the state would be allowed to choose. In her case there’s a proven attack on a cop, a suspected attack on a pimp and recent history of prostitution. The preference was for a secure unit attached to a prison. Unless.....”
Jared laughed a little maniacally here “unless the Doc could find a suitable guardian and sponsor who would take responsibility for Caitlin. So there I was with her permission for open access to her medical exams and diagnosis and that’s where it got impossible to say no, because whatever she has done in her confused state, it is NOTHING compared to what medical evidence shows she’s been through” his face became animated, impassioned “ and whilst everyone from the DA’s office to the FBI and police have been running around trying to find out what other crimes she may have committed, and by the way, they’ve found none, NO-ONE seems to give a SHIT about finding out who the fuck did what the fuck to her or even helping her find her own identity. So yeah. I got upset, I got busy and I got Caitlin. It’s no walk in the park. There’s days I could just give up, put her back, but then other days she has my back too. Little things like pretending to be my secretary when I’m too ill with flu to get to the phone and sitting the dogs when I’m out.
So for the record the woman we call Caitlin has multiple personality disorder. It’s the Docs opinion that it was the mind’s way to protect itself from the abuse she suffered whilst she was confined and bound for a significant period of time. Jensen, you saw the scars on her wrists, it wasn’t an overnight kink thing. She disassociated to hide her core personality from the horror she experienced during torture and possibly afterwards, when she was on the streets. It’s not schizophrenia, all her personalities are real and belong to her, what we see is the extreme parts of herself and other pieces that ‘get her through’ her life.
According to the doc there are likely to be other personalities including her core, which will know the answers to who she is and what happened but they’re buried pretty deep, she needs time, safety and help to get there. In the meantime we know three of her alter egos. Caitlin is her dominant personality. She’s all that I said before funny, kind, brilliant and a social disaster, agoraphobic and scared of everything but with no clue why. Caitlin’s memories start at Glenview.
Then there’s Jane.” Jared grinned slightly “Jane you’ve sort of met. She’s sassy, sexy, brassy, kinky and a lot self destructive, she’s also a prostitute. Her memories go back about 6 months to around May. She’s talkative and most of what we know of that 6 months comes from her. Jane has no idea who I am or who the Doc is, but she’ll always talk.
Then there’s Emma. Emma is the reason I wouldn’t let you touch Caitlin when she was dreaming. Emma is vicious. She is psychotic, strong and devious. As far as we can tell Emma is what happens when Caitlin or Jane feel threatened. Course there’s no way of really telling because Emma curses, she doesn’t talk. She’s the stab you first type of girl.”
Jared’s voice lowered a little “I’ve only seen Emma once, it was after therapy, the day I met you and Jane was confused and scared. I have to tell you, I did see it coming and I did deal with it. Maybe not in the best way. I never meant for you to take any flak for my actions, I never even thought about it. I know you’re her neighbor and I should have warned you. You can choose to move out if you like, I’ll reimburse the deposit and the movers, but honestly, I think I know her moods. I promise I would never put anyone in danger and I'm not going to give up on her. She has to have someone looking out for her. I won’t do to her, what I did to Jeff. I can’t.”
Jared turned to look Jensen in those steady green eyes, his hazel eyes pleading, lip quivering slightly “I know I’ve been an idiot, I know you haven’t seen the best of Jo and Ellen or Caitlin. I know you have your own problems. I can’t even promise tranquil nights but please say you’ll give us a chance. I think you’ll fit right in around here. I think you’d like us if you gave us a chance.”
Jensen didn’t think he’d ever heard anyone speak so long or passionately about another person.
Jared thought Jensen had been incredibly quiet whilst he had spoken. He’d never known anyone to listen so intently without interrupting, except maybe Caitlin, who did it for all the wrong reasons.
Jensen took his hand from Jared’s neck, Jared felt the loss immediately and steeled himself for Jensen’s answer.
“You know I do kind of like JD so maybe I shouldn’t run away too soon. Besides, I’d miss the cakes. Cake is always a good distraction from psychotic neighbor issues.” The ex detective said it with the trademark smirk that Jared was getting to like.
He followed up by leaning across to Jared with a small sigh. He brushed his fingers through the thick brunette hair then followed the motion along the architect’s cheekbone and along his chin. He swept his fingers across the beautiful wide lips, pressing just enough to part them, then tilted the chin slightly, so when he dipped in to brush his lips against Jared’s and sucked gently on his bottom lip the effect was soft yet electric. Jared moaned and pushed back against Jensen’s mouth, tongue searching out Jensen’s tongue, tangling with it. They buried their hands in each other’s hair and kissed, passionate yet gentle till they both needed to take a breath. They let go simultaneously, panting slightly and Jensen whispered in Jared’s ear.
“I’ll help you find her. Will you let me help?” He nuzzled his earlobe, nipping gently.
Jared sat upright and looked at Jensen, startled and wide eyed. “Do you really mean that? Can you do that?”
“What can I say? I’m a badass detective. I can do it - as long as it doesn’t involve any running.” He gestured to his cane “Of course the stick does double up as 007’s Aston Martin so we should be safe.”
He punched Jared playfully in the arm.”Now, since we already have the beer, please tell me that your impressive plasma screen TV is able to get the NFL that starts in 5mins.”
“and candy”
“Excuse me?”
“We should have candy too. Hang on.”
The younger man clicked the television onto the sports channel and fumbled through the kitchen, returning to sit beside Jensen with lurid lime-green and orange candy strips, a packet of potato chips and two more beers.
“Oh yes.” Jensen grinned.
“Heaven” Jared agreed.
The first advert break found Jared curled up against Jensen’s shoulder, both men fast asleep on the couch with Harley and Sadie stretched contentedly at their feet.
Continued in Part 12 here: anniespinkhouse.livejournal.com/4598.html