"My head is full of stars, full of soft guitars, full of lovers wooing."

[apcrose]

I've been self-analytical for a long time, and I don't need a doctor to tell me what host of mental disorders I have.  We all know that what's swimming around upstairs could get me a prescription and a lifetime supply of therapy, but if you ask me, I think "disorder" is just another way of saying "my personality traits."  I think a lot of mood

Comments

[lilbluemoon]

I came here through dear_you and this post hit me really deeply and personally because I am in a very similar situation. But the 'silence' and the being withdrawn has been going on for 2 months and because, unlike you, I don't really get periods of isolation like that, I'm finding it really hard to cope. Do you have any advice?

[apcrose]

I think the first step to coping is to understand what the Boy goes through. Even though it sucks being on the outside, feeling inadequate because you aren't worthy of being allowed inside their sanctuary, it sucks tenfold to be the person suddenly overwhelmed with the compulsion to forego human contact.

I'd put it like this: Think of a universal truth that you can't prove, like, 'My mother loves me.' You know it in your heart to be true. But one day you have a nag in your head, a split second of doubt, that works like a Trojan to dispel your rationalities. Now you don't know what to think. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are screaming through your system. At your core, you know you are thinking irrationally; it's just that, for some reason, your brain has short-circuited. But you're intelligent, so you recognize that if you have enough time to really analyze the situation, you will be able to identify the ridiculous subconscious cause for this absurd pattern of thought, and correct it

[apcrose]

... So you can understand, I hope, what an agonizing process it is. I get it in small doses, where I can withdraw for only a few days and then be centered enough to return to the land of the living (and logical). Some people don't deal with it that way. Some people really struggle to find enough peace to feel worthy of being around their peers. All you can do is wait, and understand, and support them when they need it. I wish there were better advice, but I think you really have to train yourself not to take it personally and condition yourself to be as supportive as possible without smothering. If you love someone, then you want them to be happy, even if it means that you have to step back while they, you know, sell all their worldly belongings and move to Nepal. It's your cross to bear, and believe me, it's about thirty times lighter than theirs.

[lilbluemoon]

I'm trying. There are moments where I see things very clearly and I know it's not personal. Other times, it seems personal because I'm insecure, and one tweet or comment he sends to somebody else will make me think he loves that person more than me.

The thing that affects me the most is the time it is taking though. Verbalising it [TWO MONTHS] just makes it seem so much more overwhelming. It's like time goes at two different speeds for us at the moment. For me, it's dragging and I'm counting, while him, I think he's so focused on just surviving that he's not really paying attention to time passing. I hope you know what I mean.