Dear friends and family ( Read more... )

Having incredibly weird, vivid dreams while listening to the Soviet Kitsch album by Regina Spektor.  A few key points:

I am at a music store and there are two employees, both middle-aged women wearing too much make-up -- except one of them is normal, and the other is a functional disembodied head.  The solocranium starts to sing "Ode to Divorce" to ( Read more... )

I'm so tired of trying to save you.  I'm so tired of telling my (our) parents that you've screwed up, and seeing them shake their heads because they just aren't surprised anymore.  I'm so tired of making plans and being let down.

I'm just exhausted with the efforts I make.  I'm putting you in a hospital on Thursday.  If you don't cooperate, I am ( Read more... )

I am afraid that the part of my brain that moderates my sanity has tricked the rest of me into believing that I am getting better all the time.  I should be keeping records; instead I am making a Thoughtful face and doing some creative reasoning which points to a percentage of time spent in agony that is presently (maybe) lower than it was three ( Read more... )

When I was eight, I played Sega a lot.  I sat under my brother's bed and tooled around with Sonic the Hedgehog.  I had a very serious vendetta against Doctor Robotnik.

That's what I was doing when Teddy came into our lives for the first time, a fuffy white thing with dark eyes and a black nose, a face like a polar bear, bounding through the house.

( Fifteen years later... [[Cut for SO. SAD.]] )

I've been self-analytical for a long time, and I don't need a doctor to tell me what host of mental disorders I have.  We all know that what's swimming around upstairs could get me a prescription and a lifetime supply of therapy, but if you ask me, I think "disorder" is just another way of saying "my personality traits."  I think a lot of mood ( Read more... )

I'm on the prowl because it seems like the normal thing to do:  break-up, mourning period, self-acceptance, hunting for new prey.  That is a normal sequence of events for a normal human being -- and I can pretend well enough, but I'm not normal by any stretch of the imagination.

There is this whole world of experiences lined up behind me, pushing me ( Read more... )

I'll wear my badge:  a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest that tells your new friends, "I am a visitor here -- I am not permanent."  And the only thing keeping me dry is where I am.  You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex... a stranger with your door key, explaining that I'm just visiting.  And I am ( Read more... )

I work for a funding company that does not fund in North Carolina.  You live in NC?  Denied.  Your attorney lives in NC?  Denied.  You got into a car accident in SC and got thrown through the windshield into NC?  Sorry about your luck.

Today we agreed to fund some two thousand dollars to a client who lives in New Jersey.  I was approximately three ( Read more... )

I fear my own regression.  My life over the last year has been so deeply rewarding and rich with experience that turning to my old ways feels very much like willingly walking into a yawning chasm, an abyss of endless backslides.  I duck out of social obligations far too early.  I pull the "I've got a long drive ahead of me" line.  And I feel the ( Read more... )