Best I Ever Had - Chapter Five
Chapter 5: Run away and hide
'And it may take some time
To patch me up inside
But I can't take it so
I ran away and hide'
________________________________
It was a long day. Or maybe not, but since Brian left, the days seemed to be always larger and devoid of anything exciting.
Daphne always told him that with time things would get better, but she also said that at the age of 90, they would continue to gossip about their lives and the lives of others, sitting in rocking chairs on a porch anywhere, and look how things ended. Daphne didn’t know everything and was not always right. Engaged on making a list of all the times that Daphne had been wrong, Justin entered the loft, distracted.
'Number 18 - promise that things would stay the same after the first time,' Justin enumerated mentally as he made a sandwich of cold meats and mayonnaise.
'Justin' Justin recognized the voice immediately. It was usual for the past two months to see Brian anywhere, but the loft was the most common. There wasn’t a day that Justin would go without hallucinating with Brian. Although it was assumed that at this stage some of the details would begin to fade, not to be clearer.
Brian remained perfect as the day that Justin saw him at the door of Babylon, as the day he went to New York, as the day he went to prom ... Wait, no. Hallucination. And what a hallucination, as Justin came to loft, after all the nightmare, and hit his head on the pillow, Justin dreamed.
Justin dreamed of the most ridiculously romantic dance. When he woke up, he cried, cried because it was a dream, cried because it was just a dream, cried for a lost love and a broken heart, cried over losing his best friend, soul sister and confidant. After that, nothing. Apathy was undoubtedly the best non-feeling ever.
Brian walked to Justin, pulling him from his memories.
'What are you doing here?'
'It’s my loft'
'Yes, but you're in New York.'
'I can’t come for a visit?'
Justin shrugged. Brian was frightened by the lack of emotions. Needing to feel the warmth of Justin, he took his hand to his face, but Justin repelled it.
'I read the letters'
'You had no right.'
"Justin ..." Brian began.
'No,' interrupted Justin, ‘You had forsaken me. And at the worst time of my life, you were not here, I couldn’t even call you. And now you think you can come back and save what remains of poor little Justin? I think not. Go back to your world, tomorrow I leave the loft. '
Well the boy was showing some emotion. It was good thing, right?
'No. Please hear me out. I made a mistake, ok? And when yesterday I called Mikey and he told me you were dead, I didn't think, I just had to come back. I want you to come back with me to New York. You obviously aren't dealing with what happened.'
‘You don’t have a say on what I do.’
'Apparently neither do you. Come on, Justin, do not be stubborn. We can start life from scratch. "
Justin snorted.
‘What? Run out of tricks in New York?’
‘Do not be like that. What have you got to lose, huh? No college, no friends and apparently, no family.'
'Fucking bastard! What do you know about my life?'
'Only what you wrote to me’, Brian knew it was a low blow, and as he said he was already repenting. The words echoed in his head, and each time it sounded worse.
Justin pulled away and winced like a wounded animal. He gave the door a sidelong glance and thought about running away.
‘Justin… Please don’t run away.’
Justin took a deep breath. Brian came up and involved him. Justin leaned his head against Brian's chest and began to sob.
'What do I do? I'm too young for this shit. If I go to New York I’ll be running away, but if I stay here, I‘ll keep hiding. '
Brian's heart and jaw clenched.
'One step at a time, Sunshine. First you stop hiding, and then we stop running, deal? '
Justin’s grip became tighter, but he said nothing.
Brian took Justin to bed. Stripped him and snuggled him. Justin felt Brian slipping under the covers.
'I'm not having sex with you.'
Next Day
Brian opened his eyes as he felt the cold air.
'Where do you think you're going?'
'Uh. Taking a shower? '
'Can I join you?'
Justin stared at him. Not because of the question itself, but because Brian asked.
'I’d rather not. But it’s your shower, your water and it's your loft. Do what you want. '
'Justin..'
Justin entered the bathroom without giving him time to say anything more. If Justin was going to live with him, Brian was going to have to get used to these moods.
When he didn’t hear the water anymore, Brian leaned against the doorjamb.
‘Are you go to work, today?'
'I have to.'
Brian took a deep breath. Justin remained an independent little shit.
‘Will you give them your notice?’
Justin shrugged.
‘I guess’
'How long until we can leave?'
‘I don’t know’
‘Will you tell me?’
‘Sure.’
Brian realized he wasn’t going to get a conversation with the boy. He went to the kitchen to prepare their breakfast.
'Justin! There's nothing here to eat! '
'No need to yell. I know, I forgot to go grocery shopping’
'Oh for fuck's sake. Come on, let me take a shower and take you somewhere for breakfast.'
Thirty minutes late, Brian was almost dragging an unwillingly Justin to Starbucks.
‘I have no need for a breakfast, or you spending your money on me.’
‘I know. Amuse me.’
After breakfast, Brian dropped Justin at work and went home, in hope to do some work. He found himself looking on the internet for galleries, universities and internship programs. Anything related with art that could interest Justin. After compiling a satisfactory folder, Brian filled the fridge, he also filled two suitcases with new clothes and all that he could remember and thought Justin would need. So when Justin would say that they could go, they were ready to leave.
When Justin opened the door to the loft, Brian finished typing a rude email to the head of the art department, including all the large and small details that were supposed to be on the boards.
'Hi honey, you're home.'
Justin acknowledged him with a blank stare.
So, how long you have to stay?'
'Normally, I would have to stay for the two weeks, but as I haven't taken any time off, we can go by the end of this week.'
Brian nodded.
'What will you want for dinner?'
‘A sandwich will do just fine.’ Justin said, showing the ingredients to Brian.
Brian was not very happy, but for now, he would settle with this.
After dinner, Justin went to the living room, put a movie on and leaned back on the couch. Brian joined him. Normally, fifteen minutes after the start of the film, they would be making out like two teenagers, but this time only the tips of the toes brushed on Brian.
Brian got up and went to get a beer. So far, Justin had refused any advances on his part. This was going to be a long night.
At the end of the film, Justin got up with the intention of going to bed. Brian had intentions of his own and grabbed Justin by the arm, turning him until he was facing him. Looking in his lifeless blue eyes, Brian leaned over to kiss him. Justin was faster and turned his face.
‘What is going on?’, Brian asked, frustrated.
‘Nothing’
‘Not nothing. You don’t let me kiss you.’
‘So what? You’re not my partner, we’re not lovers, or boyfriends. I’m not even the guy you fuck more than once. I was that guy, now I’m not even sure we’re friends. So why in hell, would I let you kiss me? ’
Previous |