Comments | applyingtograd: Help required for SOP for PhD English at NYU. Applying in Fall 2015. Posted below is the first draft

banerjeea in applyingtograd

Help required for SOP for PhD English at NYU. Applying in Fall 2015. Posted below is the first draft

Nov 26, 2015 12:44

It took me five years after I joined the Navy, to realise what years of dwelling upon the likes of Mutiny on the Bounty and Moby Dick inspired me towards, wasn’t really the rigours of life at sea, but a deep and lasting love for literature. It has been my diligent endeavour thereon, to pursue the subject as diligently and forthrightly as possible. ( Read more... )

sop help, sop; english, english lit programs, english literature phd, sop-drafts

Comments 8

tisiphone November 26 2015, 11:45:33 UTC

Your structure is sound, and your motivational story is good. The language is a problem. For example, " It has been my diligent endeavour thereon, to pursue the subject as diligently and forthrightly as possible. Of course, knowledge or curiosity can’t be stagnated, neither can the mind" sounds like Herman Melville wrote it, and that's not a good thing. Your language in general is far too complex and needs to be simplified. My suggestion would be to go through this line by line and simplify it. As Strunk and White's rule suggests, use fewer words. After you've clarified what you mean to say, then you can elaborate in a strategic way.

brittdreams November 26 2015, 16:51:39 UTC

Yes, this. I stopped reading in the first paragraph because it seems like a thesaurus was used to make this as vocab-rich as possible, which is never a good thing.

lostreality November 27 2015, 16:31:33 UTC

"My second Masters’ thesis was an attempt to study mental illnesses"

an attempt to study or a study?

betzle November 28 2015, 06:36:45 UTC

I agree with the other posters here and would also say this may be in part cultural; NYU will want concise and crisp language without flowery language, while universities outside the U.S. may appreciate the fifty-cent words.

Help required for SOP for PhD English at NYU. Fall 2015. Posted below is the SECOND draft. PART 1 banerjeea November 28 2015, 12:36:52 UTC

Thanks everyone, your comments certainly gave me a much needed direction. I've modified the draft based on your inputs, weaving in more of my academic research and interests. Would be extremely grateful if you could evaluate how the draft reads now. Posting it in 3 parts due to the word limit. Thanks in advance.(PART1/3 ( ... )

Re: Help required for SOP for PhD English at NYU. Fall 2015. Posted below is the SECOND draft. PART tisiphone December 3 2015, 19:03:01 UTC

This is way improved, but keep going!

* "Precipitated into" does seem weird. "Made their way into"? "My interests expanded to include"?

* Similarly with "a sustained argument involving the application of Barthes'..." How about just "applied Barthes' principles"?

* "At a fundamental level" is unnecessary.

* "Even though my work on Leadership Doctrine earned me a commendation award by the Flag Officer Commanding in Chief, I consider the Guidebook on Gender to be the most interesting as it was a pilot study into the participation of women in post-Partition conflicts, especially in the War of 1971 and the Naxalite movement." This is really, really good - it shows you're academically driven and internally focused instead of externally focused.

Help required for SOP for PhD English at NYU. Fall 2015. SECOND Draft. PART 2 banerjeea November 28 2015, 12:40:16 UTC

PART 2/3 (SAME PARAGRAPH CONTINUED ( ... )