I don't want to sleep anymore.  If I sleep then I will dream. If I dream then I will see Billy again. It’s too fucking painful to be able to hug my brother in a dream and wake up with his toy monkey in my arms.

Two days ago I dreamed about waking up in an ocean of black water, there was no light in the sky, no moon or stars, just a vast ( Read more... )

     I had a dream last night.  I was walking out of my house to my car when I saw two people across the street with their backs to me.  It was Matt and Samoa and they had their arms around each other looking at a house that was for sail and I think they bought it because the fore sail sign turned into SOLD.  Then I walked to them and I passed ( Read more... )

Its just one of those days.  I feel like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. GAH!  I got this feeling I had a dream about Billy because I woke up with his face on my mind.  I just can’t remember what the dream was about.  So I got dressed, all black for some reason, for the life of me I couldn’t find a colorful shirt to go with my ( Read more... )

Well I started back at school on Monday and I’m happy to say I met some old friends!  I met up with Spencer Abady and Magen from ROTC and made a new friend named Tiffiny in an acting class.  I’m so relieved to have friends to talk to again, plus Magen  and Tiff are great to talk to and geek out with.  I also got my drivers license on the 17 and am ( Read more... )

Im back from my 2 week trip without internet.  I had a blast at Pipers but I will go into more of it later ( Read more... )

     Ok so I’m not dead.  I haven’t been in the best of moods to write in this journal but my counselor said it would be good for me to pick it back up. gahh I just don’t want to make my friends depressed or worried reading my stuff.  So where to begin…

Still no information from the Army about Billy and why he died…Its still under “ ( Read more... )

Do things happen for a reason?  Is there some greater power looking at us, watching, moving chess pieces around a game board with us as its pawns?  Does it have a plan? Does it understand what it is doing?  Or is everything just a collection of random happenings, no reason, no explanation… just us existing, making choices, and living with the ( Read more... )

Ok because I droped 3 classes out of my 6 I only had 5 hours. That means I can't work at the school Library. Michell can but I can't! This sucks majorly because I was going to save up my money and go on a road trip this summer visiting all my friends. Also sence I dont drive yet I will have to wate until Michelle gets off of work at 7 MWF and my ( Read more... )

Ok this is whats happening. I Jennifer Hayes, am getting a new car...for me all for me!!! My dads getting it for me with the money from Billy. He payed off all of Michlls car notes, Got a new car for himself and a truck for mom. Im getting a Nessan Centra a brand spanking new one too. The sport edition with like a 6 cd changer and the lot! Ive ( Read more... )

I'm still alive
I'm still crying
I'm still pissed
I'm still going to find out
no matter what...