Remember When - chapter one
The thrill.
The excitement. The cheering. He’ll miss all of this, even if he knows that he’ll
have another KAT-TUN concert next summer. But it isn’t the same. It never was.
When he’s doing solo work, he feels more pressured, but he also feels happier.
Happy that it’s only him and his fans. Happy that he can sing only his songs,
written and composed by him, not by some random guy that he doesn’t even know.
It’s different when he’s doing a solo concert because he feels he is truly appreciated.
“Ciao ~ ” he ends his last concert with his usual goodbye, smiling to his fans while his name is being chanted in the whole venue.
It’s not that he regrets being with KAT-TUN, not at all. Being with KAT-TUN is what brought him this far, he is today who he is because he wasn’t alone. He is grateful for everything he has with his fellow members, but he can’t help wanting more.
But he wasn’t expecting that his wish would come true this soon.
“Akanishi-kun, this is Michael Brown. He’s a producer from America and he said that he is interested in you.”
And then everything changed.
He still can’t believe what happened. He feels like he’s living in a dream, but his conscience doesn’t let him fall into this lie. All is real, the discussion with that producer, his proposal and his next concerts. He’s going worldwide. But he’s doing it without KAT-TUN.
He feels guilty, but he can’t ignore the excitement that came with the news. He always dreamed to have concerts in America, to be known by the whole world, but he used to picture himself with the other members, not solo. He had to admit that his view changed a little after his hiatus, but this didn’t mean that he wanted to be successful alone.
He always thought that there are two sides of him battling each other: one that wanted to continue as a KAT-TUN member and one that wanted to be free, to spread his wings and fly away from the others. And now, that he had received the chance to go away, he wasn’t sure if he wanted anymore. Because this would mean to hurt his friends, Ueda, Nakamaru, Junno and Koki. This would mean that he would have to hurt Kazuya.
He sighs, realizing that he had already reached his destination. He looks at the door in front of him and gathers all his courage to knock. He’s afraid the most of his reaction because he’s the only that he doesn’t want to lose. But when Kazuya opens the door, Jin realizes that he won’t be able to tell the truth.
*
Kazuya was humming into the kitchen when he heard the doorbell. He was happy as he received a call from KAT-TUN’s manager. He couldn’t wait to tell Jin and to hear his opinion. They could finally sing into other countries; it was their opening to a worldwide path. He rushed at the door with Ran-chan dancing between his legs. As he opened the door, he managed to stop himself before jumping into Jin’s arms.
“Jin, you’re back!!” he said, smiling wide like a child. “Come, I have lots to tell!! You see, Satsu-san called in and told me the greatest news!” he started on talking, pulling Jin into the house and waving his hands enthusiastically. Then, he stopped in the middle of his living room and grabbed Jin by his shoulders. “We’re going worldwide, Jin!! We’ll have a tour concert in Korea, Taiwan and Thailand!! Of course, Japan too. But think about it!! We’re going to sing in other countries!!” he went on, his brown eyes shining with delight and pure enthusiasm.
Jin felt in that moment that he wanted to faint. If he could, he would have done it to escape from the words Kazuya was saying. He froze, but he tried to act normal and to smile, even if he knew that it wasn’t working that well. He was only scared that Kazuya would find out.
But Kazuya wasn’t aware of Jin’s inner problems, instead he went on talking about what will they do when they are going to be in Korea, Thailand and Taiwan. He was excited about other countries fans, but also worried that they won’t have that much of a success.
“Nee, Jin, do you think we have fans overseas?” he started to whine, looking exactly like Ran-chan which wanted attention, but no one gave her. “But I called some fans from abroad at ‘Kase by Kase’ , you know?” he continued, playing with Jin’s shirt, looking like a child.
Well, they did have fans from abroad, that was the main reason Jin got the offer to sing in America, but he couldn’t tell Kazuya that. Instead he looked at him, smiling and trying to be happy about the news he received. He truly was happy, this was the best day of his life. Not only he got an offer to have a concert in LA, he was going to another three countries with KAT-TUN! He only feared of their reactions if he would cause problems because of his selfishness again.
“Ah! I forgot! I’m cooking!” Kazuya stated and went quickly to the kitchen. “You will stay for dinner, won’t you?” he shouted, popping his head through the door and beaming at Jin.
“Of course” he finally said something, heading to the kitchen too. He didn’t have the courage to go on with this discussion so he decided to act like usual, acting like a fool and joking about silly things. He could always tell him tomorrow, he thought as he sat at the table, watching Kazuya running from a place to another. “What are you cooking?” he asked, smiling happily at him.
“Well, pasta is the main course.” he replied, returning Jin’s smile. “After this we’ll have chirashizushi and finally some fruit salad.”
Jin shrugged, already used to Kazuya’s random menus that ended up tasting so good that he would always ask for second bowl. “Need any help?” he asked, even if he knew the answer - he wasn’t allowed in Kazuya’s kitchen, not after he managed to destroy a little part of it. Or maybe the whole kitchen, but he would never admit that.
Hearing that, Kazuya gave him a if-you-ever-touch-my-kitchen-again-I’ll-skin-you-off look and resumed back to his cooking without a word. Jin only laughed, thinking this would be another usual evening for them.
*
After a couple of days, a special meeting between KAT-TUN members and their manager took place. They had to arrange the details for their first worldwide tour and each one of them felt like this was going to be the best day of their lives. Especially Kazuya’s. Ever since he had met Akanishi Jin he developed a taste for visiting other countries and wished to be known everywhere. This was their - his - chance to meet new fans, to see new audiences and to have new experiences. And he wanted to do all that with all six of them. As the meeting’s time approached, Kazuya felt more nervous and excited than ever. He had new ideas and wanted to share them with everyone, scolding himself each time he saw one of his band’s members entering the room and wanting to tell them everything he thought of. But as soon as the meeting began, he knew something was off.
And then Kazuya’s world and dream began to collapse.
“I bet Kame’s biting off his nails.” Koki sniggered as he looked over at the youngest member.
“He’s always like that when we have these kinds of meetings.” Maru agreed, smiling pleasantly.
“I’m wondering where Akanishi is, though.” Ueda asked suddenly, looking towards the door. “I know he’s usually late, but Nakamaru has beaten him already.” He added, avoiding a punch from his band mate.
“Well, he’ll show up.”
Meanwhile, Kazuya was literally biting his nails off. He had paced down several times now, yet the anxiety and excitement weren’t wearing off but reached their peak. He could literally start a soliloquy, that many ideas pumped into his head.
And when finally their manager had entered the room, Kazuya couldn’t feel happier. As they sat down at the table, he counted that there were only five of them. Shrugging, he thought that Jin was late so he didn’t bother with this any longer.
“As you all know, you’ll go on a worldwide tour this summer.” Satsu-san began, handling them some files. Each one had their name written on them. “In fact, it’s more of an Asia tour, but it’s your first step to a worldwide one.” He added, smiling a little. Everyone smiled back, Kazuya purely shinning. “If you’ll open the files, you’ll see the dates of your concerts. Today is…”
But Kazuya wasn’t listening anymore. Something got his attention more that his manager’s words. Under the words “KAT-TUN WorldWide Tour”, their names were written. But it was wrong…because KAT-TUN’s A wasn’t there.
“Satsu-san…” Kazuya interfered, looking to his manager with a confused face.
“Yes, Kamenashi-san?”
“Why isn’t Akanishi’s name written here?”
At this question everyone from KAT-TUN looked at first page and saw that under the tour’s title were only five names. Last time they’ve checked, they were six, no? Their manager looked a little bit surprised, but quickly hid it away. He cleared his throat; he hadn’t been aware that the five of them weren’t told about…the other plan.
“Well…” he began, clearing his throat again. “…only the five of you will be going on this tour. Akanishi-san is going to have concerts in America, so he won’t be joining you.”
Kazuya’s eyes became blank.
*
He had a hard day at work. His day was full of meetings and discussions about his future concerts. He didn’t get enough sleep because Yamapi insisted to take him out to celebrate the good news. He didn’t even know how Yamapi found out about this, the NEWS member refused to tell him, but Jin wasn’t that interested to know, so he let it go. He suspected it had to do something with his friend’s habit to break into Johnny’s office when he wasn’t present, looking for some fun and thinking that Johnny isn’t aware of his little joke even if he was aware that his boss has security cameras installed everywhere in the jimusho.
He would have rather go to sleep, but he knew that he has to see someone to sleep well. It was becoming a habit of his to visit Kazuya every night, sometimes to eat dinner with him and going home after. He liked to spend his evenings with his friend and he always enjoyed their discussion even if they only talked about ordinary things. Sometimes they didn’t even talk, they just stayed in silence, enjoying each others company.
He smiled to himself, thinking that they don’t need words to understand each other. He didn’t even felt tired, now that he got to Kazuya’s apartment and rang the bell. Once, twice. But when Kazuya didn’t answer at his third try, Jin started to get worried. He know the younger one would he home, that’s what he promised him two days ago, when they last met. He fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed Kazuya’s number.
No one answered, but a strange noise caught Jin’s attention. He got closer to the door and listened carefully, only to find out that the strange noise he heard was Kazuya’s phone. So he really was home! But why wasn’t he answering? Did something happen?
“Kazuya, are you there?” he tried, knocking on the door once more. But he didn’t get any answer this time either. Annoyed, he searched for his spare keys from Kazuya’s flat. He opened the door and found everything in dark. Now he was getting scared.
“Kazuya?” he tried again, while his eyes were getting accustomed to the dark. He took one step, making his way in and successfully tripping over a chair. “What the hell?! This wasn’t here before!” he shouted angrily and finally reaching a switch light.
But he wasn’t expecting to see Kazuya crouched in front of the TV, his eyes staring into nothingness. Jin got closer to him, worried that something bad happened to the younger. He stopped next to him, analyzing his face, but he only managed to worry even more, seeing the blank expression Kazuya had.
“Kazu…ya?” he repeated his name, hoping the third time is a charm.
The younger man looked up and stared at Jin’s face. His brown eyes were burning on his pale face. Then he returned at his previous position.
“Kazuya, did something happen?” Jin asked carefully, seating himself in front of him and grabbing him by his shoulders.
“Don’t touch me.” Kazuya’s calm voice echoed through the room. He didn’t look at him. Nor did he want to.
Shivers crossed down Jin’s spine and his heart started beating faster. He knew. Kazuya knew that he was going to have concerts without him. He knew that Jin won’t be able to join them in Korea, Thailand or Taiwan.
He let him go and sat down on the floor, his eyes studying Kazuya’s every feature. He was afraid of this conversation, but he didn’t expect he would have to have it so soon. He didn’t even know what to say to him.
“Don’t I deserve an apology?” Kazuya said, sighing ironically. “Or, at least, an explanation?” he added, lifting his eyes and looking at Jin this time. “Oh, I forgot. Congratulations.” He half smiled, half grimaced.
“I wanted to tell you” Jin started, feeling he was losing the courage from before. “But I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to be the one who tells you that I won’t be with you, but in the same time, I didn’t want you to hear from anyone else. I just…” he sighed, trying to gather his words, while looking helplessly at Kazuya.
He wanted to tell. Of course he wanted to tell, who else wouldn’t want to? But before he would have done so, he had to find out from their manager, he had to feel the earth sweeping off his feet while he was stupidly enjoying making new ideas for their new tour!
“I’m very sure you wanted to tell me, as sure as I am that you didn’t find a book of ‘How to tell Kazuya’, no?” Kazuya retorted, feeling his anger reaching surface. “You always don’t want to be the one who tells me anything, no? Yet don’t want me to hear from others, is it?” he continued, knowing that he was repeating what Jin had said earlier. “Then what the fuck do you want me to know?! Nothing?!” he raised his voice, grabbing the fluffy carpet beneath him. “How convenient! ‘Let the stupid Kame not know anything, I’ll just have to tell him when I’m on my plane to America!’ You said that you won’t leave ever again, Jin!!”
This time Kazuya had shouted, perfectly aware that his neighbours might hear him. Like he cared in that moment! He wanted to hear excuses, the PERFECT ones! Also, he wanted to accuse, to hurt the one who hurt him too, he wanted…
“Fuck, Jin!” he sighed, his chest rising at the same with his hectic breath. “Just…say something!”
But he didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t even looking into his eyes anymore because this made him feel even guiltier than he already was. He was just staring at the floor, finding it more interesting than Kazuya’s enraged face in that moment. He silently wished that he didn’t come to his friend apartment.
“I’m sorry” he said with a defeated voice, still not looking into Kazuya’s eyes. “I know I said that I won’t leave again and I’m sorry. But I can’t refuse, Kazuya, you know it’s been my dream since I joined Johnny’s!” he continued, finally confronting the other.
What was worst was that he understands him. He understands how is it to have a dream and constantly pursuing it and finally having the chance to make it real. But he couldn’t understand how it was to leave everything or everyone behind. To go so far away…
“If only you would’ve said earlier. Then I wouldn’t have got myself excited as a fool in coming with ideas for our tour. Then I would’ve been prepared for the news when Satsu-san said them to us. Can you imagine the feeling…the expressions on our faces when he told us that?” Kazuya said, feeling as defeated as Jin. “You could’ve at least talk it with us.” He added in an undertone.
“I know and I would have done it… eventually. But I thought I had more time, they told me you weren’t going to have meetings for your tour until next week” he tried to explain himself for his tardiness. Only after his words left his mouth, Jin thought that maybe he had done a mistake in saying that and he had only managed to make things worse.
He didn’t want to have this discussion like this. He had tried to find the perfect words, the perfect situation in which he could break out the news. He thought and thought, but he couldn’t find anything because there wasn’t. And he wasn’t as perfect as Kazuya was.
And time didn’t wait for no one.
“Eventually?” Kazuya puffed ironically. “Next week?” he added, arching an eyebrow. “Well, surely you wanted to take your time. Only that you miscalculated, ne? The single mistake you ever make.”
Kazuya got himself up and looked down at Jin. He never thought he could feel such disappointment or pain in his life again. Nor that these were to be caused by the same person. He needed time for himself, to settle once again his priorities and to fight for KAT-TUN.
“Leave.”
Because he was sure that once Jin would leave, he will never come back.
“Kazu, please” Jin seemed to beg looking at him with eyes that were telling that Jin was clinging onto his ray of hope. He didn’t even know what he was begging for anymore. He just knew that he can’t leave like this because he’ll always regret this.
“Eventually.” Kazuya replied, appearing cold. “Not now.”
There wasn’t a need of repeating himself because Jin would leave. And so it was. He sighed and got up slowly trying to plead silently with the younger one. He looked at him one last time, before he turned his back on him.
“I’ll be back, Kazu.”
No answer came and Jin exited the apartment.
Kazuya let himself fall near the couch and let an inaudible sob. Ran-chan came to him to soothe. He was once more alone. But whose fault was now?
Read chapter two here: fighter-of-moon.livejournal.com/3321.html
It’s different when he’s doing a solo concert because he feels he is truly appreciated.
“Ciao ~ ” he ends his last concert with his usual goodbye, smiling to his fans while his name is being chanted in the whole venue.
It’s not that he regrets being with KAT-TUN, not at all. Being with KAT-TUN is what brought him this far, he is today who he is because he wasn’t alone. He is grateful for everything he has with his fellow members, but he can’t help wanting more.
But he wasn’t expecting that his wish would come true this soon.
“Akanishi-kun, this is Michael Brown. He’s a producer from America and he said that he is interested in you.”
And then everything changed.
He still can’t believe what happened. He feels like he’s living in a dream, but his conscience doesn’t let him fall into this lie. All is real, the discussion with that producer, his proposal and his next concerts. He’s going worldwide. But he’s doing it without KAT-TUN.
He feels guilty, but he can’t ignore the excitement that came with the news. He always dreamed to have concerts in America, to be known by the whole world, but he used to picture himself with the other members, not solo. He had to admit that his view changed a little after his hiatus, but this didn’t mean that he wanted to be successful alone.
He always thought that there are two sides of him battling each other: one that wanted to continue as a KAT-TUN member and one that wanted to be free, to spread his wings and fly away from the others. And now, that he had received the chance to go away, he wasn’t sure if he wanted anymore. Because this would mean to hurt his friends, Ueda, Nakamaru, Junno and Koki. This would mean that he would have to hurt Kazuya.
He sighs, realizing that he had already reached his destination. He looks at the door in front of him and gathers all his courage to knock. He’s afraid the most of his reaction because he’s the only that he doesn’t want to lose. But when Kazuya opens the door, Jin realizes that he won’t be able to tell the truth.
*
Kazuya was humming into the kitchen when he heard the doorbell. He was happy as he received a call from KAT-TUN’s manager. He couldn’t wait to tell Jin and to hear his opinion. They could finally sing into other countries; it was their opening to a worldwide path. He rushed at the door with Ran-chan dancing between his legs. As he opened the door, he managed to stop himself before jumping into Jin’s arms.
“Jin, you’re back!!” he said, smiling wide like a child. “Come, I have lots to tell!! You see, Satsu-san called in and told me the greatest news!” he started on talking, pulling Jin into the house and waving his hands enthusiastically. Then, he stopped in the middle of his living room and grabbed Jin by his shoulders. “We’re going worldwide, Jin!! We’ll have a tour concert in Korea, Taiwan and Thailand!! Of course, Japan too. But think about it!! We’re going to sing in other countries!!” he went on, his brown eyes shining with delight and pure enthusiasm.
Jin felt in that moment that he wanted to faint. If he could, he would have done it to escape from the words Kazuya was saying. He froze, but he tried to act normal and to smile, even if he knew that it wasn’t working that well. He was only scared that Kazuya would find out.
But Kazuya wasn’t aware of Jin’s inner problems, instead he went on talking about what will they do when they are going to be in Korea, Thailand and Taiwan. He was excited about other countries fans, but also worried that they won’t have that much of a success.
“Nee, Jin, do you think we have fans overseas?” he started to whine, looking exactly like Ran-chan which wanted attention, but no one gave her. “But I called some fans from abroad at ‘Kase by Kase’ , you know?” he continued, playing with Jin’s shirt, looking like a child.
Well, they did have fans from abroad, that was the main reason Jin got the offer to sing in America, but he couldn’t tell Kazuya that. Instead he looked at him, smiling and trying to be happy about the news he received. He truly was happy, this was the best day of his life. Not only he got an offer to have a concert in LA, he was going to another three countries with KAT-TUN! He only feared of their reactions if he would cause problems because of his selfishness again.
“Ah! I forgot! I’m cooking!” Kazuya stated and went quickly to the kitchen. “You will stay for dinner, won’t you?” he shouted, popping his head through the door and beaming at Jin.
“Of course” he finally said something, heading to the kitchen too. He didn’t have the courage to go on with this discussion so he decided to act like usual, acting like a fool and joking about silly things. He could always tell him tomorrow, he thought as he sat at the table, watching Kazuya running from a place to another. “What are you cooking?” he asked, smiling happily at him.
“Well, pasta is the main course.” he replied, returning Jin’s smile. “After this we’ll have chirashizushi and finally some fruit salad.”
Jin shrugged, already used to Kazuya’s random menus that ended up tasting so good that he would always ask for second bowl. “Need any help?” he asked, even if he knew the answer - he wasn’t allowed in Kazuya’s kitchen, not after he managed to destroy a little part of it. Or maybe the whole kitchen, but he would never admit that.
Hearing that, Kazuya gave him a if-you-ever-touch-my-kitchen-again-I’ll-skin-you-off look and resumed back to his cooking without a word. Jin only laughed, thinking this would be another usual evening for them.
*
After a couple of days, a special meeting between KAT-TUN members and their manager took place. They had to arrange the details for their first worldwide tour and each one of them felt like this was going to be the best day of their lives. Especially Kazuya’s. Ever since he had met Akanishi Jin he developed a taste for visiting other countries and wished to be known everywhere. This was their - his - chance to meet new fans, to see new audiences and to have new experiences. And he wanted to do all that with all six of them. As the meeting’s time approached, Kazuya felt more nervous and excited than ever. He had new ideas and wanted to share them with everyone, scolding himself each time he saw one of his band’s members entering the room and wanting to tell them everything he thought of. But as soon as the meeting began, he knew something was off.
And then Kazuya’s world and dream began to collapse.
“I bet Kame’s biting off his nails.” Koki sniggered as he looked over at the youngest member.
“He’s always like that when we have these kinds of meetings.” Maru agreed, smiling pleasantly.
“I’m wondering where Akanishi is, though.” Ueda asked suddenly, looking towards the door. “I know he’s usually late, but Nakamaru has beaten him already.” He added, avoiding a punch from his band mate.
“Well, he’ll show up.”
Meanwhile, Kazuya was literally biting his nails off. He had paced down several times now, yet the anxiety and excitement weren’t wearing off but reached their peak. He could literally start a soliloquy, that many ideas pumped into his head.
And when finally their manager had entered the room, Kazuya couldn’t feel happier. As they sat down at the table, he counted that there were only five of them. Shrugging, he thought that Jin was late so he didn’t bother with this any longer.
“As you all know, you’ll go on a worldwide tour this summer.” Satsu-san began, handling them some files. Each one had their name written on them. “In fact, it’s more of an Asia tour, but it’s your first step to a worldwide one.” He added, smiling a little. Everyone smiled back, Kazuya purely shinning. “If you’ll open the files, you’ll see the dates of your concerts. Today is…”
But Kazuya wasn’t listening anymore. Something got his attention more that his manager’s words. Under the words “KAT-TUN WorldWide Tour”, their names were written. But it was wrong…because KAT-TUN’s A wasn’t there.
“Satsu-san…” Kazuya interfered, looking to his manager with a confused face.
“Yes, Kamenashi-san?”
“Why isn’t Akanishi’s name written here?”
At this question everyone from KAT-TUN looked at first page and saw that under the tour’s title were only five names. Last time they’ve checked, they were six, no? Their manager looked a little bit surprised, but quickly hid it away. He cleared his throat; he hadn’t been aware that the five of them weren’t told about…the other plan.
“Well…” he began, clearing his throat again. “…only the five of you will be going on this tour. Akanishi-san is going to have concerts in America, so he won’t be joining you.”
Kazuya’s eyes became blank.
*
He had a hard day at work. His day was full of meetings and discussions about his future concerts. He didn’t get enough sleep because Yamapi insisted to take him out to celebrate the good news. He didn’t even know how Yamapi found out about this, the NEWS member refused to tell him, but Jin wasn’t that interested to know, so he let it go. He suspected it had to do something with his friend’s habit to break into Johnny’s office when he wasn’t present, looking for some fun and thinking that Johnny isn’t aware of his little joke even if he was aware that his boss has security cameras installed everywhere in the jimusho.
He would have rather go to sleep, but he knew that he has to see someone to sleep well. It was becoming a habit of his to visit Kazuya every night, sometimes to eat dinner with him and going home after. He liked to spend his evenings with his friend and he always enjoyed their discussion even if they only talked about ordinary things. Sometimes they didn’t even talk, they just stayed in silence, enjoying each others company.
He smiled to himself, thinking that they don’t need words to understand each other. He didn’t even felt tired, now that he got to Kazuya’s apartment and rang the bell. Once, twice. But when Kazuya didn’t answer at his third try, Jin started to get worried. He know the younger one would he home, that’s what he promised him two days ago, when they last met. He fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed Kazuya’s number.
No one answered, but a strange noise caught Jin’s attention. He got closer to the door and listened carefully, only to find out that the strange noise he heard was Kazuya’s phone. So he really was home! But why wasn’t he answering? Did something happen?
“Kazuya, are you there?” he tried, knocking on the door once more. But he didn’t get any answer this time either. Annoyed, he searched for his spare keys from Kazuya’s flat. He opened the door and found everything in dark. Now he was getting scared.
“Kazuya?” he tried again, while his eyes were getting accustomed to the dark. He took one step, making his way in and successfully tripping over a chair. “What the hell?! This wasn’t here before!” he shouted angrily and finally reaching a switch light.
But he wasn’t expecting to see Kazuya crouched in front of the TV, his eyes staring into nothingness. Jin got closer to him, worried that something bad happened to the younger. He stopped next to him, analyzing his face, but he only managed to worry even more, seeing the blank expression Kazuya had.
“Kazu…ya?” he repeated his name, hoping the third time is a charm.
The younger man looked up and stared at Jin’s face. His brown eyes were burning on his pale face. Then he returned at his previous position.
“Kazuya, did something happen?” Jin asked carefully, seating himself in front of him and grabbing him by his shoulders.
“Don’t touch me.” Kazuya’s calm voice echoed through the room. He didn’t look at him. Nor did he want to.
Shivers crossed down Jin’s spine and his heart started beating faster. He knew. Kazuya knew that he was going to have concerts without him. He knew that Jin won’t be able to join them in Korea, Thailand or Taiwan.
He let him go and sat down on the floor, his eyes studying Kazuya’s every feature. He was afraid of this conversation, but he didn’t expect he would have to have it so soon. He didn’t even know what to say to him.
“Don’t I deserve an apology?” Kazuya said, sighing ironically. “Or, at least, an explanation?” he added, lifting his eyes and looking at Jin this time. “Oh, I forgot. Congratulations.” He half smiled, half grimaced.
“I wanted to tell you” Jin started, feeling he was losing the courage from before. “But I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to be the one who tells you that I won’t be with you, but in the same time, I didn’t want you to hear from anyone else. I just…” he sighed, trying to gather his words, while looking helplessly at Kazuya.
He wanted to tell. Of course he wanted to tell, who else wouldn’t want to? But before he would have done so, he had to find out from their manager, he had to feel the earth sweeping off his feet while he was stupidly enjoying making new ideas for their new tour!
“I’m very sure you wanted to tell me, as sure as I am that you didn’t find a book of ‘How to tell Kazuya’, no?” Kazuya retorted, feeling his anger reaching surface. “You always don’t want to be the one who tells me anything, no? Yet don’t want me to hear from others, is it?” he continued, knowing that he was repeating what Jin had said earlier. “Then what the fuck do you want me to know?! Nothing?!” he raised his voice, grabbing the fluffy carpet beneath him. “How convenient! ‘Let the stupid Kame not know anything, I’ll just have to tell him when I’m on my plane to America!’ You said that you won’t leave ever again, Jin!!”
This time Kazuya had shouted, perfectly aware that his neighbours might hear him. Like he cared in that moment! He wanted to hear excuses, the PERFECT ones! Also, he wanted to accuse, to hurt the one who hurt him too, he wanted…
“Fuck, Jin!” he sighed, his chest rising at the same with his hectic breath. “Just…say something!”
But he didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t even looking into his eyes anymore because this made him feel even guiltier than he already was. He was just staring at the floor, finding it more interesting than Kazuya’s enraged face in that moment. He silently wished that he didn’t come to his friend apartment.
“I’m sorry” he said with a defeated voice, still not looking into Kazuya’s eyes. “I know I said that I won’t leave again and I’m sorry. But I can’t refuse, Kazuya, you know it’s been my dream since I joined Johnny’s!” he continued, finally confronting the other.
What was worst was that he understands him. He understands how is it to have a dream and constantly pursuing it and finally having the chance to make it real. But he couldn’t understand how it was to leave everything or everyone behind. To go so far away…
“If only you would’ve said earlier. Then I wouldn’t have got myself excited as a fool in coming with ideas for our tour. Then I would’ve been prepared for the news when Satsu-san said them to us. Can you imagine the feeling…the expressions on our faces when he told us that?” Kazuya said, feeling as defeated as Jin. “You could’ve at least talk it with us.” He added in an undertone.
“I know and I would have done it… eventually. But I thought I had more time, they told me you weren’t going to have meetings for your tour until next week” he tried to explain himself for his tardiness. Only after his words left his mouth, Jin thought that maybe he had done a mistake in saying that and he had only managed to make things worse.
He didn’t want to have this discussion like this. He had tried to find the perfect words, the perfect situation in which he could break out the news. He thought and thought, but he couldn’t find anything because there wasn’t. And he wasn’t as perfect as Kazuya was.
And time didn’t wait for no one.
“Eventually?” Kazuya puffed ironically. “Next week?” he added, arching an eyebrow. “Well, surely you wanted to take your time. Only that you miscalculated, ne? The single mistake you ever make.”
Kazuya got himself up and looked down at Jin. He never thought he could feel such disappointment or pain in his life again. Nor that these were to be caused by the same person. He needed time for himself, to settle once again his priorities and to fight for KAT-TUN.
“Leave.”
Because he was sure that once Jin would leave, he will never come back.
“Kazu, please” Jin seemed to beg looking at him with eyes that were telling that Jin was clinging onto his ray of hope. He didn’t even know what he was begging for anymore. He just knew that he can’t leave like this because he’ll always regret this.
“Eventually.” Kazuya replied, appearing cold. “Not now.”
There wasn’t a need of repeating himself because Jin would leave. And so it was. He sighed and got up slowly trying to plead silently with the younger one. He looked at him one last time, before he turned his back on him.
“I’ll be back, Kazu.”
No answer came and Jin exited the apartment.
Kazuya let himself fall near the couch and let an inaudible sob. Ran-chan came to him to soothe. He was once more alone. But whose fault was now?
Read chapter two here: fighter-of-moon.livejournal.com/3321.html