Terminator Salvation Play-By-Play
TERMINATOR SALVATION PLAY-BY-PLAY
By Art Badger
In some prison cell:
Dr Serena Bonham Carter: Sup? Can I has your body? You'll have a second chance to live again!
Really Dr. Serena Bonham Carter? Could you be ANY MORE foreshadowy?
Marcus: I'll sell it to you.
Dr. Carter: …Huh?
Marcus: For a kiss.
Dr. Carter: …well I suppose.
Marcus: *neckgrab facekiss*
Dr. Carter: hey! Where's the rest of my kiss!?
Marcus: "So that's what death tastes like…"
Dr. Carter: Bitch I know you didn't just say that. *EXIT with EXTRA FLOUNCE.*
And then they give Marcus the needle. He does not seem overly bothered by this. Dr. Serena Bonham Carter's face goes REALLY pale.
Dr. Bonham Carter: "Serves you right, bastard. I wanted more kiss!"
THE WORLD ENDS! And then, later:
At some satellite dish farm:
Batman, sorry, John Connor, jumps out of a helicopter and is told by Some Military Dude to go find a bunch of computers. Where are the computers? In a hole in the ground which is full of water and has only red emergency lights and warning sirens.
Skynet's got really low standards, doesn't it?
Wandering by ominous tanks full of blood, dead body, dead body HEY IT'S MARCUS!, dead body, dead body. Etc. Oh, look, cages full of terrified prisoners.
Obviously, no one helps them. Or even mentions them. Or mentions helping them. They just point guns at the poor traumatized people in cages. Oh, wait, off-handed mention of cutting those sorry bastards loose.
Connor climbs out of the hole to find that everyone's dead on the surface. He suspects something has gone wrong.
Now, when John Connor sees a Skynet transport full of human prisoners flying away he gets in a helicopter to chase it down and… what? He can't shoot it down, it has human prisoners. He can't force it to land because it's way bigger then he is. He can't threaten it, it's a machine. What exactly IS his plan here? Dunno.
BOOOM!!!! The base-in-the-hole-in-the-ground suddenly explodes in a mushroom cloud. Of course John Connor is fine, his helicopter just crashed upside down. No big.
TERMINATOR FROM BEHIND! It's fine though.
Half-A-Terminator: Throw you around a lot! I won't just crush your skull or anything, that'd be too easy.
John Connor: MACHINE GUN TO THE FACE!
As John Connor walks away….
Marcus: stagger out of hole-in-the-ground, naked and covered in mud. AHHHH!!!!! AHHH!!!! RAAAAAA!! AAAHHH!! (He really hates mud, I guess) strips some dead guys for clothes and wanders off. FUN!
Somewhere Over The Ocean
John Connor: I want to go to Command!
Pilot: They say no.
John Connor: COMMAND! NOW!
Pilot: Chill dude! I'll ask again!.....nope. Still no.
John Connor: I'm going ANYWAY! Through the ocean! dive out of helicopter
In The Secret Resistance Command Submarine
General Asshat: WTF?!
John Connor: Sup? What'd we find?
Awesome Russian General: This incredibly convenient off switch for Skynet!
John Connor: Huh. So, war's over, right?
Awesome Russian General: Yeah, totally. Or everyone important dies and some random kid named Kyle Reese that no one knows.
John Connor: Wait, say what?
Later, at the Hidden Resistance Base Located Above Ground, With Bright Lights and Airplanes Out In The Open
Kate Connor: hug!
John Connor: sad for dead friends
Elsewhere
Marcus finds a road! Woo!
Back At The Not-So-Hidden Base.
John and Kate discuss the Secret Signal of Skynet-Go-Bye-Bye. Kate displays amazing logic in that she considers the possibility it won't work and further suggests controlled testing before throwing the big End Of The War party. Woah. Logical! This is, note, the ONLY time logic is employed by anyone in the movie.
In the Ruins of Los Angeles.
Marcus: HEY! Giant thing that only vaguely looks human! Ohshitgun!!
Kyle Reese: diving-tackle "Come With Me If You Want To Live!!!"
Marcus…wants to live.
Note: Killer Robots have terrible aim.
Silent Little Girl: *??*
Kyle Reese: handsignal for SMUSH TERMINATOR
Terminator: GO SMUSH.
Kyle: points gun at Marcus HOW DARE YOU WEAR THAT TRENCHCOAT! YOU IS NO RESISTANCE!
Marcus: snatches gun away Bitch, do not even try to out-badass me. Also: WTF?!?! I gotta get outta here. Car?
Kyle: Sure. Right after this giant robot-plane does a drive-by.
Robot Plane: drive by of BUILDING COLLAPSE
Marcus: Car?
Kyle: Yep. This way.
Some Lab In The Not So Hidden Base:
Snakebot: RAAAAR!!! *Struggle mightily!!!*
John Connor: Throw the switch!
Technician: *proceeds to throw the switch*
Snakebot: *twitch, then die*
John Connor poke the snakebot with his face RIGHT up on its face-munching pincers. Dude, how stupid can you get, really? That thing better be in bits and pieces before you put your face anywhere near the face-munching pincers no matter how turned off it is. To demonstrate why, we go to Technician With Great Timing
Technician With Great Timing: Oh, by the way… *un-throws the switch*
Snakebot: RAAAAR!!! *Struggle mightily!!!*
John Connor: Oh. So more of a pause button then?
Technician With Great Timing: Yep. More of a pause.
John Connor: Well, despite that very obvious flaw, we shall continue on! Prepare to test the pause-signal on a REALLY BIG Killer Robot!
At An Overgrown Observatory Back In LA
Kyle: Two-day old Coyote?
Marcus: No, I'm good, thanks. Got any string? Oh, hey, string.
Kyle: Huh? Hey, HEY MY GUN!
Marcus: Shhh! (whiny bitch). *Ties string to gun. Ties string to arm. Spins around and points gun at Kyle's face.*
Kyle: WTF?!
Marcus: Grab the gun.
Kyle: Really? Just.. grab it?
Marcus: Stop being such a bitch and grab the gun!
Kyle: *grabs the gun* but oh wait! It's attached to Marcus' arm with the string! OMG! Kyle can't take the gun away from Marcus like Marcus took it away from him!!
Marcus: Behold the magic of String, bitch.
Silent Little Girl: *gives Marcus goo-goo eyes of love.*
Marcus: Cars?
Kyle: Tomorrow. Must hide from Killer Robots now.
Marcus: So, how come you don't have a Badass Resistance Trenchcoat?
Kyle: I haven't EARNED mine yet. Burn.
Marcus: Whatever. Radio work?
Kyle: No. It is hopelessly broken.
Marcus: *fixes it in two seconds.* Obviously.
Radio: This is John Connor. If you're listening, you ARE the Resistance! *blah blah blah Terminator specs, blah blah blah confidence building crap. Foreshadowing of Big Plan!*
Later At the Los Angeles Car Graveyard
Evil Wire: *cuts Marcus on the arm.*
Marcus: Ow.
Silent Little Girl: *applies a band-aid with True Tenderness.*
Kyle: So, we need to not be here anymore.
Marcus: I thought you were busy Resisting the Machines or something?
Kyle; Yeah, but LA sucks.
Car: *turns on!*
Rooster by Alice in Chains: *begins playing.*
What, on the CD player? The CD player still works after 15 years of sitting out in the open with no roof on the jeep? Really? Where can I get a CD player like that?
Also: Rooster is Marcus' theme song. Machine Gun Man. Spit on in his homeland. Can't kill him. Etc.
Flying Robot Eye: I SEE YOU!!
Kyle, Marcus, Silent Little Girl: SHIT!! FLEEEEE!!!
Marcus: Weapon?!
Silent Little Girl: Tire-iron? (expressed by handing Marcus a tire iron)
Marcus: Eh, whatever. *Throws it like a Ninja-star Tire Iron and…*
Flying Robot Eye: Oh please, you'll never hit me hard enough with that to -- *SMASH*
Marcus: Huh. That should not have worked. But whatever.
Kyle: That was my first time driving!
Marcus: And LAST! *SHOVE* I drive now.
Random Ass Gas Station In Just To The Left Of The Middle Of Nowhere:
Kyle: Hey, lets look for food here. And gas. Oh, look! Milk! Someone lives here!
Angry Mob: SURRENDER BITCHES!
Marcus: Y'all are not even worth my time.
Angry Mob Man: *points at gun at Marcus.*
Kyle: *picks the worst time ever to use Marcus' "You point a gun at someone you better be ready to use it" line.*
Really, Kyle? Really? I think the guy might just be ready to use it. He is after all an Angry Mob Man who lives in a gas station.
Everyone Else: …Dumbass.
Badass Old Woman: Chill the hell out.
Marcus: Fine. We're leaving.
Badass Old Woman: After food for children.
Angry Mob Man: Hey! That's our food!
Silent Little Girl: Ominous Expression.
…and then a FOUR STORY TALL GIANT ROBOT foghorns its way up and grabs people through the roof of the gas station. But NO ONE NOTICES it until two seconds before it attacks. That's right. No one notices the FOUR STORY ROBOT that comes with a built-in foghorn. No one at all.
Lots of stuff blows up. Boom. Boom boom. BOOM! Boom.
Marcus: We may need a plan to not get blown up like everyone else… oh hey, a gas truck.
Kyle: That's a plan?
Marcus: Just shoot the gas truck!
Kyle: It isn’t working!!
Silent Little Girl: Road flare? (expressed by handing Marcus a road flare)
Marcus: Oh, thanks Silent Little Girl.
Gastruck: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. Boom.
Kyle: Showed that bitch!!
That Bitch (AKA: Four Story Robot): Fools! I was only moderately slowed down!! Now taste the wrath of my motorcycle minions!
MotoMinions: VROOOOM!
Marcus: Shoot it!
Kyle: That didn't work last time!
Marcus: SHOOT IT HARDER!
Apparently the MotoMinion can't avoid an improvised oilslick. One down!
Silent Little Girl: Bigger bullets? (expressed by loading truly huge bullets into a gun)
Kyle: Thanks.
Minion 2: BOOOM!
Minion 1: I’m back, bitches!
Marcus: WRECKING BALL FTW!
Robot Plane: Giant guns trump your wrecking ball!
Marcus: Pfft. Engage MotoMinion Morning Star Attack!
Robot Plane suffers mild damage from having an exploding motorcycle thrown into its engine. Disappointing for Marcus.
Human-Harvesting-Robot: snatches Kyle and Silent Girl
Marcus: FLYING LEAP ONTO PLANE!
Human-Harvesting-Robot utterly DENIES Marcus, who is thrown off the RobotPlane and into the river by explosions caused by the suddenly appearing A10 WARTHOGS!
A10 Warthogs: WOOO!!!
Marcus: AHHH!!! *proceeds to SKIP LIKE A STONE across the river. FIVE TIMES.*
RobotPlane: *blows up the A10 whose pilot wasn't important enough to get screentime*
A10 Warthog Pilot Who Does Get Screentime: Shit, where'd that killer plane come from?
John Connor On Radio: GO EVASIVE!
A10 Pilot: Dude, I'm ALREADY EVASIVE!
RobotPlane: *blows the crap out of that A10.*
Marcus: Wow that river is deep! SHIT! Airplane on my head! Boom
Marcus: *is totally fine.*
Only losers suffer bodily harm or torn clothing from being skipped across rivers like a rock or having flaming airplanes fall on their heads.
Somewhere In The Desert Near The River
A10 Pilot Hanging From A Powerline Tower: "Help?"
Marcus: Eh…
A10 Pilot reveals herself to be a Sexy Female Pilot named Blair
Marcus: Sure thing. So I'm gunna go follow that RobotPlane.
Blair Williams: Really? Cause that's totally stupid. You should come with me to my Secret Resistance Base despite the fact that I have no idea who you are or if I can trust you.
Marcus: Right on.
Inside the Robot Plane:
Kyle: Everyone chill the hell out with the despair! We're gunna be totally fine!
Everyone else is somehow inspired and chills the hell out with the despair. Does Kyle Reese give public speaking lessons?
At The Abandoned Race Track With Random Fires Everywhere
Blair Williams: Find us something to burn for warmth.
Marcus: What, the random fires aren't good enough?
Blair Williams: Nope. Now go find something to burn in this pouring rain and leave me all by myself in the middle of nowhere.
Trio of Fugly Hobo-Cowboys: Hey pretty lady! We been watchin you and we got your gun. So you gunna play nice?
Wait, hold up. They've been watching her but somehow they didn't notice..
Marcus: BITCHSLAP with a TWO BY FOUR!
Yeah. Him.
Marcus: *proceeds to totally whup ass on all three hobos.*
The one he doesn't knock the hell out, he advances on with an INCREDIBLY sinister expression, a good old ready-for-torturin' neck-crack and a screwdriver. Yep. A screwdriver. Let me tell you, I see that guy coming at me with a screwdriver and that expression, I'm outta there.
Blair: KNEECAP SHOT!
Marcus: Fine. I won't torture him. Spoilsport.
Around The Blazing Bonfire Some Time Later
Blair; Hey, so, this giant bonfire is insufficient. *sexy crawl into Marcus' lap* Can I share some body heat?
Is that what they're calling it now, Blair?
Marcus: Hottie in my lap. Pants suddenly too small.
Blair: Your heart is way sexy.
Marcus: That's not the only thing *Something about second chances and Redemption*
In the Skynet Valley Of Death
Barnes: So why're we here?
John Connor: Testing the pause signal.
Barnes: And we can't do that in a less deathful area?
John Connor: Nope.
Does the signal work? Apparently, given the explosion of the RobotPlane that comes to investigate their fun little RV-Bomb.
John Connor: Hey, General Asshat, the signal is 100% foolproof.
General Asshat: Great. So tomorrow we bomb the shit out of Skynet.
John Connor: What about the thousands of prisoners there?
General Asshat: Sucks to be them.
John Connor: Wait, what? Hello? Hello? DAMMIT!!!
At the Not So Hidden Resistance Base Minefield
Marcus: Hey, Blair? Minefield? Dangerous?
Blair: Naw, it's cool. Only machines set off the mines.
Marcus proceeds to follow Blair through the minefield. All is well.
Machine-Activated Landmine: *THUMP*
Marcus: Whut?
Blair: Whut?
Machine-Activated Landmine: BOOM!!!!
Marcus: OW!
Kate: WTF?!
Blair: I KNOW!
Kate: He has a machine leg? *Rips open Marcus' shirt* He has a MACHINE EVERYTHING?!
Barnes: RIFLE TO THE FACE!
Marcus: *blackout*
In the Missile Silo of Imprisonment
Marcus: WTF?
John Connor: WTF?
Kate: *technobabble about Marcus being a cyborg*
Blair: *sadface*
Marcus: WTF?!!? What'd you DO to me?! Why'm I hanging from chains over a missile silo!?
John Connor: You think you're human?
Marcus: I AM human!
John Connor: Really? Cause your machine ribcage and metal muscles say otherwise.
Marcus: DUDE! Where's my CHEST?! Oh, hey, I heard you on the radio.
John Connor: Pfft! You're here to KILL ME! Like you killed me MOTHER! And my FATHER! We've been at WAR since before either of us even EXISTED!
Marcus: WTF?!
John Connor: Time travel. Trust me, it's crazy.
Marcus: Lemme go! I gotta save Kyle Reese and Silent Little Girl!!
John Connor: Wait, you know Kyle? Maybe I can trust you….Nope!! Cause you're just gunna kill him.
Marcus: RAAAAAAAAGE.
Also: Marcus spontaneously develops an Australian accent in this scene. To note he's also gone through a really horrible Texan accent and a generic west-coast American accent as well. He just kind of wobbles around, picking whatever accent suits him best.
Blair: So, what happens to him now?
Kate: Oh, I'm gunna take him apart for funsies cause he's an Evil Killer Robot.
Blair: aw HELL no. He's a man, I tell you! A man! (trust her, guys, she was sharing all sorts of body heat with him.)
At Skynet's Death Camp
Kyle: Don't worry, Silent Little Girl. We're gunna be ok!
Giant Robot Arm: or NOT! *grabs Kyle Reese and drags him off*
Silent Little Girl: Ohsnap! (expressed by Giant Eyes of OhSnap)
Missile Silo of Imprisonment
Barnes: For my brother, metal bastard! *Shoots Marcus*
Marcus: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Blair: Oh, Connor wants to see you. Go away now. And just so you know I'm totally on your side… *Shoots Marcus*
Marcus: *silent sad puppy face*
Marcus: Oh, hey, what're you doing with that switch on the wa-AHHHH!!!!!! *THUD*
Blair: Setting you free, Mr. Dumbass McSexyHeart!
Marcus: Awesome. *facegrab followed by gentle caress* Thank you.
Blair: Damn that's hot
In Connor's Room
Barnes: Sup? Blair said I should come here?
Connor: DAMMIT!
Blair: dumbasses.
TO BE CONTINUED!
By Art Badger
In some prison cell:
Dr Serena Bonham Carter: Sup? Can I has your body? You'll have a second chance to live again!
Really Dr. Serena Bonham Carter? Could you be ANY MORE foreshadowy?
Marcus: I'll sell it to you.
Dr. Carter: …Huh?
Marcus: For a kiss.
Dr. Carter: …well I suppose.
Marcus: *neckgrab facekiss*
Dr. Carter: hey! Where's the rest of my kiss!?
Marcus: "So that's what death tastes like…"
Dr. Carter: Bitch I know you didn't just say that. *EXIT with EXTRA FLOUNCE.*
And then they give Marcus the needle. He does not seem overly bothered by this. Dr. Serena Bonham Carter's face goes REALLY pale.
Dr. Bonham Carter: "Serves you right, bastard. I wanted more kiss!"
THE WORLD ENDS! And then, later:
At some satellite dish farm:
Batman, sorry, John Connor, jumps out of a helicopter and is told by Some Military Dude to go find a bunch of computers. Where are the computers? In a hole in the ground which is full of water and has only red emergency lights and warning sirens.
Skynet's got really low standards, doesn't it?
Wandering by ominous tanks full of blood, dead body, dead body HEY IT'S MARCUS!, dead body, dead body. Etc. Oh, look, cages full of terrified prisoners.
Obviously, no one helps them. Or even mentions them. Or mentions helping them. They just point guns at the poor traumatized people in cages. Oh, wait, off-handed mention of cutting those sorry bastards loose.
Connor climbs out of the hole to find that everyone's dead on the surface. He suspects something has gone wrong.
Now, when John Connor sees a Skynet transport full of human prisoners flying away he gets in a helicopter to chase it down and… what? He can't shoot it down, it has human prisoners. He can't force it to land because it's way bigger then he is. He can't threaten it, it's a machine. What exactly IS his plan here? Dunno.
BOOOM!!!! The base-in-the-hole-in-the-ground suddenly explodes in a mushroom cloud. Of course John Connor is fine, his helicopter just crashed upside down. No big.
TERMINATOR FROM BEHIND! It's fine though.
Half-A-Terminator: Throw you around a lot! I won't just crush your skull or anything, that'd be too easy.
John Connor: MACHINE GUN TO THE FACE!
As John Connor walks away….
Marcus: stagger out of hole-in-the-ground, naked and covered in mud. AHHHH!!!!! AHHH!!!! RAAAAAA!! AAAHHH!! (He really hates mud, I guess) strips some dead guys for clothes and wanders off. FUN!
Somewhere Over The Ocean
John Connor: I want to go to Command!
Pilot: They say no.
John Connor: COMMAND! NOW!
Pilot: Chill dude! I'll ask again!.....nope. Still no.
John Connor: I'm going ANYWAY! Through the ocean! dive out of helicopter
In The Secret Resistance Command Submarine
General Asshat: WTF?!
John Connor: Sup? What'd we find?
Awesome Russian General: This incredibly convenient off switch for Skynet!
John Connor: Huh. So, war's over, right?
Awesome Russian General: Yeah, totally. Or everyone important dies and some random kid named Kyle Reese that no one knows.
John Connor: Wait, say what?
Later, at the Hidden Resistance Base Located Above Ground, With Bright Lights and Airplanes Out In The Open
Kate Connor: hug!
John Connor: sad for dead friends
Elsewhere
Marcus finds a road! Woo!
Back At The Not-So-Hidden Base.
John and Kate discuss the Secret Signal of Skynet-Go-Bye-Bye. Kate displays amazing logic in that she considers the possibility it won't work and further suggests controlled testing before throwing the big End Of The War party. Woah. Logical! This is, note, the ONLY time logic is employed by anyone in the movie.
In the Ruins of Los Angeles.
Marcus: HEY! Giant thing that only vaguely looks human! Ohshitgun!!
Kyle Reese: diving-tackle "Come With Me If You Want To Live!!!"
Marcus…wants to live.
Note: Killer Robots have terrible aim.
Silent Little Girl: *??*
Kyle Reese: handsignal for SMUSH TERMINATOR
Terminator: GO SMUSH.
Kyle: points gun at Marcus HOW DARE YOU WEAR THAT TRENCHCOAT! YOU IS NO RESISTANCE!
Marcus: snatches gun away Bitch, do not even try to out-badass me. Also: WTF?!?! I gotta get outta here. Car?
Kyle: Sure. Right after this giant robot-plane does a drive-by.
Robot Plane: drive by of BUILDING COLLAPSE
Marcus: Car?
Kyle: Yep. This way.
Some Lab In The Not So Hidden Base:
Snakebot: RAAAAR!!! *Struggle mightily!!!*
John Connor: Throw the switch!
Technician: *proceeds to throw the switch*
Snakebot: *twitch, then die*
John Connor poke the snakebot with his face RIGHT up on its face-munching pincers. Dude, how stupid can you get, really? That thing better be in bits and pieces before you put your face anywhere near the face-munching pincers no matter how turned off it is. To demonstrate why, we go to Technician With Great Timing
Technician With Great Timing: Oh, by the way… *un-throws the switch*
Snakebot: RAAAAR!!! *Struggle mightily!!!*
John Connor: Oh. So more of a pause button then?
Technician With Great Timing: Yep. More of a pause.
John Connor: Well, despite that very obvious flaw, we shall continue on! Prepare to test the pause-signal on a REALLY BIG Killer Robot!
At An Overgrown Observatory Back In LA
Kyle: Two-day old Coyote?
Marcus: No, I'm good, thanks. Got any string? Oh, hey, string.
Kyle: Huh? Hey, HEY MY GUN!
Marcus: Shhh! (whiny bitch). *Ties string to gun. Ties string to arm. Spins around and points gun at Kyle's face.*
Kyle: WTF?!
Marcus: Grab the gun.
Kyle: Really? Just.. grab it?
Marcus: Stop being such a bitch and grab the gun!
Kyle: *grabs the gun* but oh wait! It's attached to Marcus' arm with the string! OMG! Kyle can't take the gun away from Marcus like Marcus took it away from him!!
Marcus: Behold the magic of String, bitch.
Silent Little Girl: *gives Marcus goo-goo eyes of love.*
Marcus: Cars?
Kyle: Tomorrow. Must hide from Killer Robots now.
Marcus: So, how come you don't have a Badass Resistance Trenchcoat?
Kyle: I haven't EARNED mine yet. Burn.
Marcus: Whatever. Radio work?
Kyle: No. It is hopelessly broken.
Marcus: *fixes it in two seconds.* Obviously.
Radio: This is John Connor. If you're listening, you ARE the Resistance! *blah blah blah Terminator specs, blah blah blah confidence building crap. Foreshadowing of Big Plan!*
Later At the Los Angeles Car Graveyard
Evil Wire: *cuts Marcus on the arm.*
Marcus: Ow.
Silent Little Girl: *applies a band-aid with True Tenderness.*
Kyle: So, we need to not be here anymore.
Marcus: I thought you were busy Resisting the Machines or something?
Kyle; Yeah, but LA sucks.
Car: *turns on!*
Rooster by Alice in Chains: *begins playing.*
What, on the CD player? The CD player still works after 15 years of sitting out in the open with no roof on the jeep? Really? Where can I get a CD player like that?
Also: Rooster is Marcus' theme song. Machine Gun Man. Spit on in his homeland. Can't kill him. Etc.
Flying Robot Eye: I SEE YOU!!
Kyle, Marcus, Silent Little Girl: SHIT!! FLEEEEE!!!
Marcus: Weapon?!
Silent Little Girl: Tire-iron? (expressed by handing Marcus a tire iron)
Marcus: Eh, whatever. *Throws it like a Ninja-star Tire Iron and…*
Flying Robot Eye: Oh please, you'll never hit me hard enough with that to -- *SMASH*
Marcus: Huh. That should not have worked. But whatever.
Kyle: That was my first time driving!
Marcus: And LAST! *SHOVE* I drive now.
Random Ass Gas Station In Just To The Left Of The Middle Of Nowhere:
Kyle: Hey, lets look for food here. And gas. Oh, look! Milk! Someone lives here!
Angry Mob: SURRENDER BITCHES!
Marcus: Y'all are not even worth my time.
Angry Mob Man: *points at gun at Marcus.*
Kyle: *picks the worst time ever to use Marcus' "You point a gun at someone you better be ready to use it" line.*
Really, Kyle? Really? I think the guy might just be ready to use it. He is after all an Angry Mob Man who lives in a gas station.
Everyone Else: …Dumbass.
Badass Old Woman: Chill the hell out.
Marcus: Fine. We're leaving.
Badass Old Woman: After food for children.
Angry Mob Man: Hey! That's our food!
Silent Little Girl: Ominous Expression.
…and then a FOUR STORY TALL GIANT ROBOT foghorns its way up and grabs people through the roof of the gas station. But NO ONE NOTICES it until two seconds before it attacks. That's right. No one notices the FOUR STORY ROBOT that comes with a built-in foghorn. No one at all.
Lots of stuff blows up. Boom. Boom boom. BOOM! Boom.
Marcus: We may need a plan to not get blown up like everyone else… oh hey, a gas truck.
Kyle: That's a plan?
Marcus: Just shoot the gas truck!
Kyle: It isn’t working!!
Silent Little Girl: Road flare? (expressed by handing Marcus a road flare)
Marcus: Oh, thanks Silent Little Girl.
Gastruck: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. Boom.
Kyle: Showed that bitch!!
That Bitch (AKA: Four Story Robot): Fools! I was only moderately slowed down!! Now taste the wrath of my motorcycle minions!
MotoMinions: VROOOOM!
Marcus: Shoot it!
Kyle: That didn't work last time!
Marcus: SHOOT IT HARDER!
Apparently the MotoMinion can't avoid an improvised oilslick. One down!
Silent Little Girl: Bigger bullets? (expressed by loading truly huge bullets into a gun)
Kyle: Thanks.
Minion 2: BOOOM!
Minion 1: I’m back, bitches!
Marcus: WRECKING BALL FTW!
Robot Plane: Giant guns trump your wrecking ball!
Marcus: Pfft. Engage MotoMinion Morning Star Attack!
Robot Plane suffers mild damage from having an exploding motorcycle thrown into its engine. Disappointing for Marcus.
Human-Harvesting-Robot: snatches Kyle and Silent Girl
Marcus: FLYING LEAP ONTO PLANE!
Human-Harvesting-Robot utterly DENIES Marcus, who is thrown off the RobotPlane and into the river by explosions caused by the suddenly appearing A10 WARTHOGS!
A10 Warthogs: WOOO!!!
Marcus: AHHH!!! *proceeds to SKIP LIKE A STONE across the river. FIVE TIMES.*
RobotPlane: *blows up the A10 whose pilot wasn't important enough to get screentime*
A10 Warthog Pilot Who Does Get Screentime: Shit, where'd that killer plane come from?
John Connor On Radio: GO EVASIVE!
A10 Pilot: Dude, I'm ALREADY EVASIVE!
RobotPlane: *blows the crap out of that A10.*
Marcus: Wow that river is deep! SHIT! Airplane on my head! Boom
Marcus: *is totally fine.*
Only losers suffer bodily harm or torn clothing from being skipped across rivers like a rock or having flaming airplanes fall on their heads.
Somewhere In The Desert Near The River
A10 Pilot Hanging From A Powerline Tower: "Help?"
Marcus: Eh…
A10 Pilot reveals herself to be a Sexy Female Pilot named Blair
Marcus: Sure thing. So I'm gunna go follow that RobotPlane.
Blair Williams: Really? Cause that's totally stupid. You should come with me to my Secret Resistance Base despite the fact that I have no idea who you are or if I can trust you.
Marcus: Right on.
Inside the Robot Plane:
Kyle: Everyone chill the hell out with the despair! We're gunna be totally fine!
Everyone else is somehow inspired and chills the hell out with the despair. Does Kyle Reese give public speaking lessons?
At The Abandoned Race Track With Random Fires Everywhere
Blair Williams: Find us something to burn for warmth.
Marcus: What, the random fires aren't good enough?
Blair Williams: Nope. Now go find something to burn in this pouring rain and leave me all by myself in the middle of nowhere.
Trio of Fugly Hobo-Cowboys: Hey pretty lady! We been watchin you and we got your gun. So you gunna play nice?
Wait, hold up. They've been watching her but somehow they didn't notice..
Marcus: BITCHSLAP with a TWO BY FOUR!
Yeah. Him.
Marcus: *proceeds to totally whup ass on all three hobos.*
The one he doesn't knock the hell out, he advances on with an INCREDIBLY sinister expression, a good old ready-for-torturin' neck-crack and a screwdriver. Yep. A screwdriver. Let me tell you, I see that guy coming at me with a screwdriver and that expression, I'm outta there.
Blair: KNEECAP SHOT!
Marcus: Fine. I won't torture him. Spoilsport.
Around The Blazing Bonfire Some Time Later
Blair; Hey, so, this giant bonfire is insufficient. *sexy crawl into Marcus' lap* Can I share some body heat?
Is that what they're calling it now, Blair?
Marcus: Hottie in my lap. Pants suddenly too small.
Blair: Your heart is way sexy.
Marcus: That's not the only thing *Something about second chances and Redemption*
In the Skynet Valley Of Death
Barnes: So why're we here?
John Connor: Testing the pause signal.
Barnes: And we can't do that in a less deathful area?
John Connor: Nope.
Does the signal work? Apparently, given the explosion of the RobotPlane that comes to investigate their fun little RV-Bomb.
John Connor: Hey, General Asshat, the signal is 100% foolproof.
General Asshat: Great. So tomorrow we bomb the shit out of Skynet.
John Connor: What about the thousands of prisoners there?
General Asshat: Sucks to be them.
John Connor: Wait, what? Hello? Hello? DAMMIT!!!
At the Not So Hidden Resistance Base Minefield
Marcus: Hey, Blair? Minefield? Dangerous?
Blair: Naw, it's cool. Only machines set off the mines.
Marcus proceeds to follow Blair through the minefield. All is well.
Machine-Activated Landmine: *THUMP*
Marcus: Whut?
Blair: Whut?
Machine-Activated Landmine: BOOM!!!!
Marcus: OW!
Kate: WTF?!
Blair: I KNOW!
Kate: He has a machine leg? *Rips open Marcus' shirt* He has a MACHINE EVERYTHING?!
Barnes: RIFLE TO THE FACE!
Marcus: *blackout*
In the Missile Silo of Imprisonment
Marcus: WTF?
John Connor: WTF?
Kate: *technobabble about Marcus being a cyborg*
Blair: *sadface*
Marcus: WTF?!!? What'd you DO to me?! Why'm I hanging from chains over a missile silo!?
John Connor: You think you're human?
Marcus: I AM human!
John Connor: Really? Cause your machine ribcage and metal muscles say otherwise.
Marcus: DUDE! Where's my CHEST?! Oh, hey, I heard you on the radio.
John Connor: Pfft! You're here to KILL ME! Like you killed me MOTHER! And my FATHER! We've been at WAR since before either of us even EXISTED!
Marcus: WTF?!
John Connor: Time travel. Trust me, it's crazy.
Marcus: Lemme go! I gotta save Kyle Reese and Silent Little Girl!!
John Connor: Wait, you know Kyle? Maybe I can trust you….Nope!! Cause you're just gunna kill him.
Marcus: RAAAAAAAAGE.
Also: Marcus spontaneously develops an Australian accent in this scene. To note he's also gone through a really horrible Texan accent and a generic west-coast American accent as well. He just kind of wobbles around, picking whatever accent suits him best.
Blair: So, what happens to him now?
Kate: Oh, I'm gunna take him apart for funsies cause he's an Evil Killer Robot.
Blair: aw HELL no. He's a man, I tell you! A man! (trust her, guys, she was sharing all sorts of body heat with him.)
At Skynet's Death Camp
Kyle: Don't worry, Silent Little Girl. We're gunna be ok!
Giant Robot Arm: or NOT! *grabs Kyle Reese and drags him off*
Silent Little Girl: Ohsnap! (expressed by Giant Eyes of OhSnap)
Missile Silo of Imprisonment
Barnes: For my brother, metal bastard! *Shoots Marcus*
Marcus: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Blair: Oh, Connor wants to see you. Go away now. And just so you know I'm totally on your side… *Shoots Marcus*
Marcus: *silent sad puppy face*
Marcus: Oh, hey, what're you doing with that switch on the wa-AHHHH!!!!!! *THUD*
Blair: Setting you free, Mr. Dumbass McSexyHeart!
Marcus: Awesome. *facegrab followed by gentle caress* Thank you.
Blair: Damn that's hot
In Connor's Room
Barnes: Sup? Blair said I should come here?
Connor: DAMMIT!
Blair: dumbasses.
TO BE CONTINUED!