(Untitled)

[arwens_ghost]

ok bad - I know.  I really broke last night.  I was OK, then my mum decides to have one of her rare "chats" about my ED.  .  She wasn't being nasty or anything, she's just really anxious.  She cried.  I HATE making her cry - I feel like a major disappointment to her and I make her so worried that I'll  end up back in hospital

Comments

[gigglethrough]

YOU aren't making her worried, she's CHOOSING to be worried. you are doing okay and getting help, TRYING, exactly all anyone can hope for you to do, and she knows that.

why she brings it up constantly is beyond me, you are on the right track, and she needs to understand that you can't have it held over your head all the time, it just causes more guilt and shame which perpetuates the illness.

and i'm sorry you cut, i burnt for the first time in years on saturday nite, and like you, i'm glad it hurts. maybe we can think about that if there's a next time we're tempted.

[arwens_ghost]

Thanks, yeah - I feel like she chooses to see all my negative behavour more than she notices my accomplishments, I suppose. I tell her not to worry so much because seeing her upset Doesn't Help Me! - But the only thing she's really guilty of is being a protective mother. She isn't constantly on my back about stuff, her "chats" are rare - but of course we both know how the other is feeling, all the time even if it's not spoken about, and of course so many day-to-day conversations involve food - it's part of family life.

I hope you are OK and things are going smoothly in your house.

[blackdublinski]

I know how you feel, I made my mum cry too when I went back home a few weeks ago, it's horrible to see someone so upset over you, feeling so guilty adn ashamed

I hope your new appointment goes ok, if you don't mind me asking, do you know anywhere in ther london area that does any kind of intensive bulimia treatment, like day-treatment, on IP? I'm not underweight and having a hard time finding anywhere that would have me. Wishing you all the best, you are NOT a waste of space, you're a very caring and brave person!

[arwens_ghost]

Thanks for the comment, it's appreciated.

Sorry- do you mean "day-treatment OR IP" - I think you made a typo at a crucial point!

It doesn't really matter, anyway because the only place that I know of does both. It is (in my opinion very good but it IS expensive). There is a branch in South Kensington, minutes from the tube station (You can do OP there, or a "halfway-house" kind of IP which looks really usefull. For IP you could get them to transport you to their base in Kent. I'll post the website and a youtube of the "Boss himself" - who is a sweetheart!!! He's the reason I'm sober today.

http://www.promis.co.uk/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_GzR1Md_18

[blackdublinski]

:) thank you so much! I'll get in touch with them. the money is an issue...but it might be doable. I read a bit of the website and it sounds like they have a really interesting attitude to addicitons.
and yes, I meant 'or' not on! haha I can't type

[arwens_ghost]

I'm so glad you found PROMIS interesting. It is expensive, but it is a very special approach to ED and addiction treatment, and having personal experience, I can say that the staff are fantastically friendly and understanding - being ex-addicts. Sitting in mixed group therapy appealed to me much more than being surrounded by all EDed as it took away the focus on food all the time and made us think about the nature, roots and causes of all our behaviours. I gained so much self-insight. The fact that I am still EDed, I blame myself for. I wasn't ready to face it, and chose not to. I did, however, quit a serious drinking problem

[funkyfinefreak]

hey sweetie,
I hope you're doing okay today? Its very important that you realise that YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG, you are not a disappointment or a waste of space.
I know this seems like a hard thing to do/say but you need to be selfish for a while, you seem very pre-occupied (as i used to be, less so now) with what other people, especially your mum think about you. for you to get through this and make progress you need to do this for yourself and do what is right for you, forget upsetting others for the time being and focus on yourself.
its impossible to go through life pleasing everyone, it drains you, i know i've said it to you before but i think distancing yourself from your mum might be a good thing, it seems that she triggers you?? And it seems that your ED causes her to worry, its a vicious circle that you're trapped in at the moment and i really feel for you.
I hope i didn't sound too harsh.
*hugs*
Nina.x

[arwens_ghost]

Thank you for listening - and you are so right. I (like many other EDed) am a natural "people-pleaser". I think to be hoest it's because worrying about other people is much easier that looking at your own problems. I'm not suicidal at all, but I can truthfully say that I care about many other people's lives more than my own.
The irony is, I DO see myself as selfish because I cannot change my disease, and the EDed seem to others like very self-absorbed creatures. - aren't we? I know it's not really like that, but I hope you understand wat I mean. Always worrying about your food, your body and all that goes with it....

You're right, though - it is a complete viscious circle. Both my parents are my major triggers. I do know that. But breaking free seems impossible at the moment.

You didn't sound harsh at all - I appreciate your input. Hope things are OK with you.

[funkyfinefreak]

I'm okay thank you, i've been reading a lot of literature at the moment about negative/positive thinking, it reallybstruck a chord with me as i am so guilty of negative thinking. I put down everything that i do and constantly tell myself that i'll never amount to anything. I'm starting to realise that that's my ED talking.
I've begun a quiet mantra that i say to myself when i'm walking or exercising or have a few moments to myself
"i can, i will, i believe in myself"....I know its a bit self-conciously wacky but it has really made a difference to me. I just feel more positive and upbeat, its a kind of brain-washing in a way, the more you repeat something the more you believe it...
Its good that you can see that your parents are triggers for your ED, you love tham and they love you, my mum has a phrase that i believe rings true..."its the ones you love that hurt you the most".
N.x

[desecratedbones]

I know this comment is horrendously late (eep), but if you'll still hear my measly words...

I make my mother cry, too, and I think it really hits deep with the guilt. Hard to separate and realize that it's not really your fault. But that's something no amount of people telling you will help; something you'll need to internalize over time. Hopefully all of us can.

You can't "choose" to get better. Recovery is not a matter of willpower; it is a complex process influenced by multiple factors, and I think many people who do not have an eating disorder don't understand this concept.

I hope you're doing a little better now. I hope you can find that something that will help you get back on track.