Deora Ar Mo Chroi

[arwens_ghost]

I found myself walking alone today and realsed I was crying - not knowing why

Comments

[5inch_wrists]

No, you shouldn't feel guilt for doing things in the past, which at the time.... felt "ok".
none of us knows what the future holds
so if you do something which, in hindsight, you feel was wrong.....all we can do is to learn from it and let future actions be guided by it.

morals and conscience are constantly being chopped and changed, altered and refined.
Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.
i have some real nerdy nerd science nerd analogies to describe my point in my head right now but i'll leave them there :p

Behaving a certain way doesnt make you by default a bad grandaughter. You behaviour didn't change how much you clearly loved her. And you don't suck
:)

[arwens_ghost]

Thank you for the kind response. I wrote all of that to a lot out of my system and wasn't really expecting comments. I think the thing is I want to talk about it with mum - tell her how I feel and relate her own mother's last words etc, but my mother is bad with her own feelings, hates talking and just gets upset, quiet and won't talk back to me. I end up feeling like I shouldn't have said anything because I always think she's upset with me and thinks I'm too emotional.

I suppose deep down I don't blame myself - I'm logical enough to kind of dismiss that, but I guess I've just never gotten over the pure and justified sadness - and have a need to transfer the feelings into a guilt, anger or a "blame" because it's easier than just being sad. I have no-one to direct those feelings towards but myself, however illogical I know that is.

[basket_star]

I'm sorry, what a terrible thing to happen to a child. But you know that, really, it was not your fault and you cannot be held responsible. She may have died anyway, even if you did not go out together and at least she had the pleasure and satisfaction of going out with her granddaughter as a final event in her life, rather than dying at home, not in the sun, possibly alone.

If you are addressing your feelings around her death for the first time, that may open up old wounds and bring a lot of stuff to the surface that you have pushed to the back of your mind. So it could be quite difficult, I don't envy you that. Hope you are ok X

[gigglethrough]

i killed my pop. it fucked me over for a good few years, i was 11 when i killed him. but i know that he was in a good place, i think when he dies. he'd just bee moved to the hospital for the ballionth time, because of stroked and heart attacks, he was a type one dyabetic, so it was pretty amazing that he became so old comsidering he was a farmer up north for about a bazilion years back in the day. my mum was one of six. when i was young (i'm the youngest granddaughter) i remember him being so BIG AND TOUGH. just a huge big old farmer man, the last years of his life he lived in town, like, longer than i was alive, he lived in town, but slowly, all his health issues i guess got worse and worse. i have a million awesome memories of him even being a little bit slow in his movements. when he was really sick i remember my mum and nanna letting me shave his face a few times

[pakers12]

i know this is an old post but im just now reading it. your story reminds me of a story my father told me. his mother was in the hospital,on her death bed with lung cancer. she loved to smoke. so he would bring her cigarettes.he knew and she knew she was getting ready to die, and he didnt want her laying there craving a cigarette so, she would tell him that if anyone were to walk in, to tell them that HE was the one smoking. and the only person that came in was the preacher.and still to this day, he never told the preacher that it was really her smoking. he just wonders what the preacher must think about him, for smoking in front of her while she was dying of lung cancer.

hey

[cravingskinny]

hi, i like you. well, i'm new here and since i'm so young i guess every-one would mother me and help me to get skinny faster but i see a friend in you.

Re: hey

[arwens_ghost]

Aw, thanks - that's sweet.
Please feel free to add me and I'll add you back. I don't update my journal very often - like maybe once a week, but I read my friends page every day, so I'm always around. I post a lot at purgatorium where the people are great. - very supportive and friendly with EDs.

Well, I'm 27 (with the brain of a 16 year old) - ED-NOS, - probably fit the anorexic criteria with strog bulimic tendencies - (well, check out my profile). Nice to hear from you and look forward to knowing more about you.

[pakers12]

hey arwen! i was just checking out your profile, and when i read this post, i dont feel so alone anymore. i too, was the last to see my grandmother before she died. i too, felt guilty cause i was to absorbed in what, I wanted to do, to be a good granddaughter. i think of her often and cry. my mother has cancer and i too, took some of her strong pain meds. i felt guilty but i guess i got more than bulimia to deal with, i got a painkiller addiction. but all the feelings you posted, i felt them too. but if your grandmother didnt want to go into the heat, she wouldnt have gone. but i believe alot of times, people know, like a 6th sense that their time is about to come. and thats probably why she wanted to go with you, her beloved granddaughter, out in the sunshine.

[arwens_ghost]

Oh that's amazing!
I always thought that she sort of "knew" what was coming.
I moved to an over-the-counter painkiller addiction, afterwards. It's a combination of tylenol and a small amount of codeine. Not much but better than nothing. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but it's still a big demon of mine.
Thank you for sharing that all with me.