I would do anything to not feel what I feel.  This anxiety has so much weight.  I heard countless times that hard work and honesty would be fine, everything would work out.  Its not working out.  My little corner of peace is fragile and fleeting.  The old demon is right there, just waiting for the fall. 

Last week was a fascinating and terrifying ride, at times.  I married the girl I chased for years, always slightly out of reach.  All the heartaches and bullshit I put here seems rather small now.  Everything and nothing has changed.  Now I have a ring to fiddle with until it becomes something you don't even think about.  I've loved my wife ( Read more... )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8egE4x9Djo

I can't bring myself to delete this account, it means too much to me.  Some of the happiest and formative moments of my life happened during the heyday of this site...how strange is that?  My corny profile, the carefully chosen avatars...it was so honest and real, as stupid as it seems in hindsight.  This page was me.  Digital catharsis.  I'm ( Read more... )

That's why I delete my browser history religiously.

When you’re lost in the Wild, and you’re scared as a child,
And Death looks you bang in the eye,
And you’re sore as a boil, it’s according to Hoyle
To cock your revolver and die.
But the Code of a Man says: “Fight all you can,”
And self-dissolution is barred.
In hunger and woe, oh, it’s easy to blow . . .
It’s the hell-served-for-breakfast that’s ( Read more... )

-The weather is deceptive, and the rain cold
-Wear socks that don't roll up and get under your heel
-Lungs fail first

Finally went to the dentist to get my mouth all fixed up.  Two fillings, gum work, and a deep cleaning so far.  I'm going back on Tuesday morning for a root canal and crown on my busted molar.  This shit is expensive, and my lip is still numb.

First week of the new plan is done.  I can feel the most strain in my legs; sitting down and standing up are both a bit painful.  It was good to hit the park for aikido again, even if going through the motions was a bit rough.  I feel like I've done something, at least.

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( I'm not jaded, I just hate it )