[1] Fanfic: Shine A Light (2/2)
Title: Shine A Light
Author: Atenais
Rating: NC-15 (maybe?)
Length: Two chapters: I | II
Words: 6623
Pairings: GTOP (SeungHyun/JiYong)
Genre: Canon, Angst
Beta: aislinoriel.
Summary: What happened backstage at Shine A Light.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, these boys don't belong to me. But the story certainly is the fruit of my imagination.
Warning: language, inconsistency.
Version: Portuguese/Spanish
A/N: I dedicate this fic to my lovely 0ddie13. Paty, ya sabes, si no fuera por ti este fi nunca vendria a la luz. Gracias, nena, eres la mejor.
Shine A Light
II - In The Light
The lights, the music, the cry of the audience, the sweat, the euphoria of the dancers -it was as if every little detail had condensed forming a new element - the air was impregnated with this new matter; and as if his skin was a catalyst, he felt tonight with all his being, as if he too was part of the whole. He closed his eyes for an instant, trying to freeze the moment, because the moment would pass. The joy and euphoria ran through his veins, pumped by the imaginary heart found in his mind, immortalizing the moment; and then he forgot everything in the next second, helpless before the power of time. However, his victory was tainted, despite his efforts to not remember he was not there; his absence was like a lost particle in the amalgam that was that night.
The world belonged to him. But he did not feel like a god tonight.
*****
After the shower he went down to the first floor. SeungHyun looked around, looking for any indication that he was there. The kitchen, illuminated by the large window, lay silent, nothing was out of place. In the living room, the large sofa and armchairs were slightly disarranged, a cushion on the floor. No, he did not dream last night. But despite the physical evidence on his body and the living room, he looked for signs of the other man. It was inevitable, as if he could be there, as if today was not another busy day for him, as if the house was not silent enough.
The truth was that the note puzzled him. What was its significance? Of course he did not expect to be forgiven so easily, in the end, one night together was just one night together, the sex never fixed things, the desire they had for one another could not justify each of his actions. He had not supposed that, even if subconsciously he did expect that, yes, that all would be forgiven after the passionate interlude. God, how corny was he, and how he fell into the traps in which all men fall. He felt relieved to know that his thoughts could not be read, so much effort to construct this idealized image and he betrayed it in every thought. He would never cease to be the chubby kid from childhood, his self-confidence based on the loose certainty of his current good looks. He would never cease to be what he really was, a feeling forged with great effort.
He sat in one of the armchairs. He didn’t feel hungry. He was there for a few moments until he got up, as if he had remembered something. He went to the front door, where he had left his bag the night before. He searched for his cell phone and returned to the living room. After turning on the gadget it sounded a few times, informing him of missed calls and new messages. As expected there were calls and messages from YoungBae, DaeSung, SeungRi and, of course his manager. There was even a message from Yang HyunSuk, threatening in its simplicity, “We’ll chat Monday.” They all seemed determined to torture him with these short messages, which said nothing, therefore, were so threatening in their infinite possibility of meanings. However, he was relieved with this message, he knew this would be about work and he could handle that. He visualized the conversation with the president, he knew that he would say harsh words, knew that he could be punished somehow, and knew he would say nothing in return. After all, there was nothing to say in his defense. Therefore, that was practically resolved in his mind. But he could not do the same with ‘the other talk’.
What would he say? Would he be accused of disloyalty, or condemned for his selfishness? Would he...would he end everything? He could not hide from this possibility; they had already ended things once, in the past, during their not so long relationship. Well, they had not really ended, and had only given each other some ‘time’. He smiled slightly at the thought of this term, typically feminine, which for men has only one meaning; the possibility of being with another person while the formal relationship soaked for a while. There was just one detail, not unimportant nevertheless, that it was him who had asked for that ‘time’. Until then, he still felt quite unsure about everything. He had never before gotten involved with a man and he had to confess that it had not been easy for his ego to admit that he was attracted, no, madly attracted to someone of the same sex. Furthermore, it wasn’t easy to deal with JiYong’s behavior. Despite knowing him since adolescence, when they were not as close as people liked to believe, he still felt difficulties in managing the relationship they had. He would not describe himself as a jealous man, but JiYong had more friends than he wished, and he behaved so specially with these friends. It was normal to feel uncomfortable to see the person who he was with, act so loving with other men and women, right? Attractive men and women, he might add.
Yet, what happened the night before clearly showed that he was not completely immune to his insecurities. It was still difficult to accept his relationship with another man, not just because of the implications in his career, since it was clear this could never be revealed, but it was hard to keep the relationship hidden from his family, his friends, it was just frustrating to be on the lookout 24 hours a day. The relationship they had, in fact had distanced them, as the fear of giving any evidence made them avoid interacting during the day. They avoided talking or looking at each other on camera for fear of giving anything away.
He was suspicious that the group members knew or assumed something, but obviously this was a taboo subject, and until now the others made jokes about his relationship with the actress. That was not only uncomfortable, but also hurt JiYong.
One thing was certain, regardless of what the other would say, some things would have to change. It was time to admit that they had a relationship, though the fate of it was so uncertain at this time. Yet perhaps, after ‘this talk’ there would be no relationship.
SeungHyun gathered himself, somewhat decided, his cell phone still in his hands. He fixed his appearance in the hallway mirror, put on his coat, put on his glasses and with his bag in hand left the house.
*****
He knew from his regular breathing, that he was asleep. A slightly faint pink mingled with the darkness of the night, but he could see that it wasn’t dawn yet and he had not been able to sleep all night. JiYong moved carefully on the bed, despite being a large bachelors bed, it was still a bachelors bed and he did not want to wake the other. It wasn’t that difficult, since he didn’t need to untangle himself from the other, SeungHyun didn’t have the habit of embracing him while sleeping. In reality, it was he who controlled himself to not hug him, even to not get closer. SeungHyun and his stupid problems with proximity!
Despite the curiosity to look around the room carefully, as he had rarely been in that house, he turned completely until he was facing SeungHyun. He was sleeping deeply on his side, both hands clasped under his head, he looked quite comfortable. JiYong sighed lightly. What would he do with SeungHyun? He surrendered once again to the furtive game that he had become addicted to since they were together; to watch SeungHyun while he slept. It was the only time he could do it without worrying about bothering the other. During these moments he felt jealous of his partner, how was he able to be so attractive, at a time of physical unconsciousness like this one? Black hair, disheveled, falling over his eyes, these slightly blackened because of the eyeliner and blurred makeup, even though they had washed their faces before coming to bed. The company hyungs were right when they decided to work the image of TOP from his enigmatic gaze, although the propaganda reinforced the image of mystery that they tried to sell, he had to admit that SeungHyun had beautiful eyes. Big black eyes, crowned by long, black lashes and a clean and strong gaze, from which SeungHyun drew great advantage, it was impressive how much force he could transmit from just one look, although part of this force was only feigned. But what most attracted him was the man’s mouth in front of him, an elegantly drawn mouth, the upper lip thinner with its curves more prominent, it gave him a proud air when he smiled. Certainly SeungHyun was aware of the effect of his smile. Mother of god, he must really love him. Who got lost in conjectures of a man’s mouth!? He felt a little stupid, but he could not suppress the desire to touch him. He furtively moved his hand towards the face of the other, pushing away a few hair strands off his eyes. He descended his fingers to his mouth, feeling slightly chapped lips under his fingers, outlining them as if trying to draw them. For some reason he remembered the young SeungHyun and how he had changed, how now his look reflected the self-confidence that a beautiful image helped strengthen. But his lips had not changed, remained the same, elegant, as if it were an old painting. SeungHyun, why do you still have these fears, why couldn’t he surrender? Or did he not understand that the distance that he imposed prevented JiYong from getting closer? He also had his own ego, he also tried not to show himself completely. Since no one is completely safe in a relationship, no one dares to reveal themselves fully, after all, we don’t even dare to reveal everything to ourselves totally. We all have feelings of which we feel ashamed. But when we love we strive to pretend the minimum that is possible and proudly show the glory of our imperfect souls.
These fears, these damn insecurities of SeungHyun’s had ruined JiYong’s day. That day, for which he had waited so long, the day that would be the day of his worship, where thousands of fans would be devoted to his presence, where he could show everyone how talented and special he was, and SeungHyun had stolen all of that with his absence. To think that JiYong was so proud to show off, knowing that SeungHyun would be watching him, to know that the other was present made him feel even bigger, a giant, and all vanished in an instant.
Snuggling closer to SeungHyun, he thought about if he could forgive him. The other, completely unaware of the thoughts he provoked, moved slightly with the proximity of JiYong. This idiot seems to want to keep limits even when we are sleeping! Irritated, JiYong got even closer, slipped his hand under the sheets towards SeungHyun’s waist, drawing him to himself. SeungHyun shifted once more, still not waking up. JiYong smothered his face in the curve of his neck and nuzzled up to him. He felt an urgent need to feel his skin. He felt so confused and at this moment physical contact was the only thing that relieved him a little. Hell, SeungHyun knew him and knew that JiYong liked skinship; if they stayed together he would have to accept it. He tried to empty his mind, he knew he wouldn’t come up with any conclusions at this moment, and he needed to think, but not now. He concentrated his attention on SeungHyun’s slow and regular breathing, motionless for a moment, feeling the warmth that was shared by his skin, he closed his eyes, he would not cry now. Why did he have to feel so sensitive about everything? Better to write good lyrics after all of this and make this frivolous anguish worthwhile. Wasn’t this what he did? Exploit his emotions to his advantage?
He inhaled the sweet scent of SeungHyun, oh! If people knew how feminine the rapper was! JiYong slid his hand over the other’s back, if he could always have him like this, his, without fears, without anxieties. For the love of god, Kwon JiYong, what’s wrong with you!? Why do you have to romanticize all the time? Things are just simple...In the real world people have dumb and real problems. It was enough to know if he could live with that. What if SeungHyun continued hurting him that way? Would it be healthy for them, who worked together, members of the same group, to risk their professional relationship and also their friendship for something that could disappear as quickly as it began? And most importantly, would they survive till the end without compromising their work? After all, no matter how foolish his dreams of love were and all that silly romantic nonsense in which he liked to believe, feeling the most poetic and romantic creature, his work - his music was what really mattered - it was what moved him forward, it was what would be left at the end of the day.
He would not change his music for SeungHyun. At the same time this thought crossed his mind he felt his chest constrict. Why did he have to think about such things? It was his fault for feeling that way, for showing him how susceptible he was at the other’s attitude and he hated feeling weak that way.
He moved away a little, the morning, which already showed signs of its arrival, illuminated SeungHyun’s face amid the shadows of the room and the night was already bidding farewell idly. How beautiful was this bastard! Well, he could not say whether he was actually handsome, with that face, which still bore traces of a child, those lips, that were neither full nor sensual, but that attracted him hopelessly, those eyes that said so much, even if they were lies, everything attracted him. Oh! What had he done? Why did he have to feel so attracted to SeungHyun, why did he use all means to seduce him, why couldn’t he appreciate him from a distance, why did he have to have him all to himself?
These thoughts were not clear, but he knew that the blame for possibly losing their friendship was definitely his, nothing would be what it was before and this was the risk he took for wanting him so much. He raised his face, getting closer to SeungHyun’s, until he felt his breath on his cheek. He gently kissed his lips. The other kept his lips parted, without any reaction. JiYong insisted, remembering how SeungHyun had kissed him downstairs, a few hours earlier. He had never done it in that manner, so passionate. He captured SeungHyun’s lips, feeling the softness of his flesh with his own, pressing gently, sliding his tongue over his lips, going over the upper lip’s prominent curves he so admired, opening his mouth and taking the other’s lips ever so delicately, but firmly, the way he did when he ate grapes, pressing gently, until the thin skin yielded to the gentle pressure, revealing the succulent flesh.
He didn’t intend to wake the other, but at that moment SeungHyun already reacted in a lethargic mode to the constant kisses. JiYong allowed his tongue to find SeungHyun’s and crudely felt the taste of saliva, his tongue caressing the other’s, which offered no resistance. His kisses had already crossed some invisible boundary, and he kissed him as a man and felt his body surrender to his own desire. SeungHyun responded, kissing him back, not fully awake, but sensitive to the stimulus on his body, loosely embracing JiYong. It was enough. JiYong lessened the insistence of his kisses, until they became small caresses, just a brush of lips, and then ceased completely. They remained that way for several minutes, until SeungHyun, who didn’t fully wake up, fell back into his deep sleep.
When JiYong was certain that SeungHyun was again fast asleep, he sat up. He walked toward the chair where they had left their clothes, dressing silently. He then searched through the drawer of the desk that adorned one of the walls, being careful not to make noise. The morning already lit the room well and he was able to find what he sought, so leaning over his own body he scribbled something on a piece of paper. He approached the bed again, where he had been minutes earlier, and he remained standing there for an instant, without taking his eyes off of SeungHyun. Then finally, leaving the paper on the nightstand, he left the room.
*****
For how talented, creative and interesting we think we are, some reactions are just so fundamental in man, that it is impossible to escape our humanity. And when we feel distressed and insecure we usually look for places where we feel safe, that provide us with tranquility, even in the moments of our greatest crisis. And it was precisely what JiYong did; he sought the place that brought him safety, the dorm he shared with the other members. Although it had changed locations several times and for several reasons, the dorm was still his safe harbor and he almost felt pathetic for that. But the feeling vanished as soon as he opened the door. After taking off his shoes, he walked into the kitchen where - and once again he mentally thanked the comforting routine - he found YoungBae next to the espresso machine on the granite counter, waiting while the machine filtered the boiling beverage into a porcelain cup. “I suppose you’d like some, right?”
Minutes later, the two friends were seated comfortably on the couches in the living room.
“You look tired.”
“I didn’t sleep.” JiYong replied, sipping the drink from his cup.
“Did you guys talk?”
JiYong looked over his shoulder, towards the hallway leading to the rooms. “The others...?”
“Don’t worry, they are still sleeping.” YoungBae smiled slightly. “SeungRi didn’t stop talking about the performance of ‘Breathe’. I think it will be the topic of the week.”
“Did Dae say something?”
“He was quite impressed with the concert, well, we all feel that way, but... But I think he was worried about SeungHyun, so he didn’t talk that much.” He looked worried at the other, who was looking down at his own cup.
“Yeah, I saw he left the party early. Did he really not say anything?
“No. Not about that. He just looked worried. You know how he likes hyung.”
“Yeah, I know.” He replied dryly.
“Ji...” The other finally looked up from his coffee and faced his friend. “What really happened?”
JiYong expected the question, but he still wasn’t sure how to answer. What could he say? ‘Nothing important, we found each other, fought and then we had sex, everything is normal now’? No, he couldn’t say that. And the truth was that he still didn’t even know what had happened. What really happened between him and SeungHyun that night?
“I don’t know, Bae. I still can’t fully understand what happened to him last night. He told me he felt jealous!” He said exasperated. The other, still didn’t answer. “Why does this not seem to surprise you?”
“He knows I know, JiYong-ah?”
“I have never told him, but it’s clear he must suspect you do. He knows you’re my best friend.”
“That doesn’t change anything.”
“Do you think the others know something?”
“They clearly must be suspicious of something. DaeSungie has been quite busy lately. But little SeungHyun already commented with something about the way you look at each other.”
“If even Ri has noticed something, I think we haven’t been careful enough.” he said, laughing weakly.
“Well, JiYong-ah, you know how curious he is, how he is always watching you.”
“Yeah, yeah. You know I’m not good with jokes, especially at the moment.” he answered, however he seemed to have his mind elsewhere, his gaze fixed at the cup in his hands.
“Don’t you think its time for you, well, for both of you, to reveal this to us?” YoungBae asked calmly.
JiYong placed the cup on the center table and took one of his hands to his mouth, biting the tip of his fingers. “But it’s him who doesn’t want anyone to know! We still have to wait...” He ran his hand through his hair, agitated. “I just don’t know if I want to wait, if I want to continue with this.”
YoungBae leaned off the couch. “Are you telling me you want to end it with hyung, Ji… you want to end the relationship?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know if staying together will be good for us. Did you see what he did? That was a concert, it was an important presentation. And what if this continues to affect our work and what if this harms Big Bang? Do you think we could handle it? I don’t know anymore...” And then he looked at YoungBae as if expecting an answer.
“But you knew from the beginning.”
“Yes, and I thought it would work. Can it be that just to love is not enough?”
“It depends on how much one loves.”
The room became silent. YoungBae picked up the cups from the table and went to the kitchen. JiYong hugged his legs, resting his chin on his knees.
When the other returned to the living room, JiYong mumbled out loud, “I can’t believe I’m getting advice from a virgin!”
YoungBae just gave him an enigmatic look and replied, “You know that’s not entirely true.”
The other just smiled, but his attention was diverted by his cell phone ringing. He flexed his legs and pulled the device from the pocket of the jeans he was wearing, looking at the screen. “It’s NamGuk hyung,” he said before answering, “Hello, hyung...”
“Ah, yes, yes hyung.”
“No, I’m already awake.”
“What time?” he looked at his watch. “Oh, all right, hyung.” He closed his cell phone and got up. “They want me to go to the Olympic, it seems we need to go over some things.”
“What time?” Asked the other, curious.
“In one hour. It’s best I shower, the day will be tough.” He walked towards the hallway, but turned before leaving the room, “YoungBae, thanks.”
YoungBae smiled back. It was a smile that was replaced by a serious expression as soon as JiYong left the room. He felt helpless; he knew there was nothing he could do to help him. In addition, officially he knew nothing and this made him feel guilty whenever he was with SeungHyun. He really hated feigning ignorance. He laid on the couch and closed his eyes. Refusing to be just a spectator, he did all he could, he whispered a little prayer. If some god heard him, nobody would know, but that at least, provided him some relief.
*****
A milky and dirty sky covered the city. The turbid waters of the river sparkled under the lifeless sun; silvery reflections in the ripples the current produced, that then died in the swirls of dense foam. The long road that followed the margins was empty this ashy morning. Small twisted trees and pale grass brought the only life to that great city’s landscape. No beverage store, no pedestrians, which was unusual at the borders of the Han River.
The man jumped from the taxi, which turned around and drove off, leaving him there alone. He walked to the road, readjusting in his brown coat, and then went wandering aimlessly. The barren landscape gave him some sort of comfort, the semi-silence of being in a city yet without people talking around him; it relieved him. He found melancholy days like this one beautiful and it was easy for him to focus his thoughts without worrying if someone was watching him. SeungHyun adjusted his glasses, under the cold wind the tips of his bangs fluttered slightly below the beanie that covered his head. He wore a thick scarf around his neck and leather gloves. He wouldn’t stop being careful just because the day was uninviting for people to leave their homes.
Finally he would have time to think about the events of last night. Somehow he knew the reasons which led him to feel jealousy. The impossibility of revealing their relationship and having to keep it clandestine, as if for the world they were single, as if they were accessible. Seeing JiYong in such sensual manner with a woman, reminded him that in addition to clandestine, their relationship was taboo. He maintained a relationship with another man and even if he tried to deny it, it filled him with fear and in a way, was also a blow to his ego. Although he couldn’t reveal this relationship to everyone, it would be difficult to confess it to his family, his friends. Well, his sister already knew, he couldn’t hide anything from her, and was suspicious that JiYong had already told YoungBae.
How could he tell his friends? They always joked about his fame and his enormous success with women. He would have to admit he liked this. However, if this relationship remained in the shadows his insecurity would never leave him, he would always be fearful of losing JiYong to another man or another woman more attractive then him. Would he be willing to give up this relationship, which in the end caused him so many fears?
But the reality was that he never felt this way with any ex-girlfriend. JiYong and him were equals, they shared the same love for music, were equally passionate about their work and when they chatted, even if they disagreed, they still understood each other. And this was so rare in their world. Two of his old friends distanced themselves after he entered a ‘boyband’, some treated him with a level of disdain and others with disguised envy. He never felt completely comfortable with the sunbaes from work, his shy and timid personality made him see them as ‘enlightened,’ far from reality. He still tried to calm himself, but could not get rid of the respect they inspired in him. As for the hobaes in the business, the truth was he did not feel comfortable with them either. There were many things at risk, a certain air of competition that none admitted, musical differences, and well, the truth was that he found, at least most, were a bunch of idiots. Fools, that only cared about having success, and the only thing that concerned them was the number of members of their fancafes - he conveniently forgot that he also cared about these things, but the little imperfections, we simply sweep them under the rug - and with the number of searches that their names provoked on the internet.
He was lucky to be part of a group that had some artistic freedom, with members who had ambitions beyond numbers and beyond fame. And he had always had respect for JiYong, had always admired his talent and his commercial perception. He could understand the fascination he awoke in little SeungHyun as he had caught him red-handed many times watching his friend. But never, never could he have imagined that one day he, himself would be involved with him this way. Still, he couldn’t explain when and why he felt so attracted to JiYong, when his body began to react to the other being near him. That was something that intrigued him and frightened him, because he had never before felt attracted to a man. Perhaps it was JiYong’s strangely androgynous beauty, the way he expressed himself with his body so easily, his sensuality. Now he knew that JiYong had seduced him, which occurred only because he himself was not immune to the provocations of the other. And this he found perfect, because they not only desired each other physically, which would not be so rare in a relationship, but they had respect and admiration for each other. This was the best that had happened in his life; JiYong and his career.
Would this repeat itself once more? To fall in love with someone who was his equal? Maybe, maybe not, like everything else in life, this was a possibility. But the truth was that the chances were slim. And one day all would end, Big Bang, the pleasure this career gave him, his love, his dreams, his plans. Just one thing would survive time: his memories and he should decide which memory he would like to possess when nothing else mattered. He had to decide to be among the ruins of an ego built with compliments and pretenses, or the ashes of one true love. When everything was no more than memories, what is it that he would like to remember?
And that was exactly what he had to decide.
He stopped for a moment, facing the cold wind. He took his cell phone out from his pocket and sent a message. He then made a call, he needed a cab.
*****
JiYong was exhausted. The previous night had exhausted him, twice. Because of that, he didn’t stop downing energy drinks; after all, a night just as weary awaited him. To his relief the problems that surrounded the concert tonight were of no great importance, but instead ordinary and did not require much of his ingenuity. The day passed in the blink of an eye and he had no time to think about other things that were not that night’s presentation. True, the order of the songs had to be rearranged, as was clear, he would perform “Lies” once again, alone. After reviewing the list of events one last time along with the staff, he left the stage still dead, and went to the dressing rooms. He had to shower, try to relieve all the stress of the day and then prepare for the show.
To his surprise, upon arriving at his dressing room, he found SeungRi sitting on a couch, with his cell phone in his hands. He wasn’t surprised that the maknae was already there, since he really liked to participate in these events, what shocked him was that he was not dressed for a show, instead he wore the clothes that he usually wore at the dorms. “What are you doing here?”
“Ah, hyung, did you finish everything?” he asked, visibly excited.
“Yes, yeah. But what are you doing here at this hour?”
Before the other answered, they were interrupted by a third person who was coming out of the washroom at that moment.
“Hey, hyung!”
JiYong’s shock grew, and now why was DaeSung there? “DaeSungie, did something happen?”
“Nothing, hyung.”
SeungRi looked up from his cell phone, where he was distracted with some game, and asked the other, “You’re not going to tell him that hyung...” but was interrupted once more when someone came into the dressing room.
“Ah, then you were here!” said YoungBae.
JiYong’s gaze rested on each of the members, questioningly.
The others changed their expression, until SeungRi spoke, “Hyung called us here. He sent us a message.”
“What hyung? HyunSuk?”
“No.” replied the other, as if it were something obvious, “SeungHyun hyung!”
Now JiYong was beside himself with shock. SeungHyun had summoned them there? What was he planning? JiYong questioned YoungBae with his eyes, but he simply shrugged.
DaeSung just tilted his head to one side and SeungRi continued, “He sent us a message and told us to come. And you know he’ll come later...” before he could continue, the originator of such commotion came into the dressing room.
“Hyung...?” JiYong said, undecided. In fact, he just called him hyung when they were around other people.
SeungHyun made sure to lock the door and walked decidedly toward JiYong. He took his hands, and before the other reacted, he solemnly said, “We are together.”
JiYong’s eyes leaped, YoungBae kept his eyes serene and DaeSung and SeungRi waited. “And...?” continued the latter.
“JiYong-ah and I...We have a relationship. W...we are boyfriends.” SeungHyun strongly blushed at the last statement.
“Yeah, hyung, and what else?” SeungRi asked calmly.
“Well, this is it. Why does no one seem surprised?” SeungHyun looked at JiYong, who just shrugged, replying, “I...I haven’t said anything.”
And after YoungBae made a noise with his throat, he amended, “Well, I just told YoungBae. But you also told your sister,” he said defensively.
“Well hyung, you didn’t really think that the only things that interested me are the noonas and the self-help books!” shouted the youngest, stunned.
“To tell you the truth, we already suspected, but it was SeungRi who told me it was something true.” said DaeSung.
At that moment little SeungHyun sent a look full of wisdom and confidence to the older SeungHyun.
*****
Thirty minutes later there were four hours to the start of the second great night. The lights of the dressing room were switched off and left the room in semi-darkness. In the distance people at work could be heard, and on one of the couches, two human forms laid in silence. JiYong was laying on SeungHyun’s chest, embraced, SeungHyun’s hands intertwined on top of his hands, which rested on his stomach.
“So, you called the others?” JiYong asked, breaking the silence.
“Uh-huh.”
“You called them here to tell them about us?” he turned to look at SeungHyun’s face.
SeungHyun smiled, making his dimples appear. “Uh-huh.”
“And you think because of that I’m going to forgive you?”
SeungHyun thought for a moment and nodded, “Uh-huh.”
“Ah, there is no way to talk to you!” he complained, freeing himself from the other’s hands.
However, SeungHyun didn’t let him get up, as he took JiYong’s hands again and pulled him towards himself. “Ji, fine. I know what I did wasn’t right.” After a pause he continued, “And I’m not talking just about your feelings, I know I disappointed you professionally too.”
The other raised an eyebrow, waiting.
“You should know that I take our job very seriously.”
“Yeah, I thought so.”
“But you must understand that it was really unbearable for me to stay there at that moment, I just couldn’t.”
“Do you have any idea how much I wanted you there, how I wanted you to see that performance, of how I thought you’d be proud of me...?”
“Ji, forgive me.” SeungHyun said, burying his face in the other’s hair.
JiYong clasped his hands, “If I had not forgiven you, we would not be here.” He turned around and lightly kissed SeungHyun on the lips.
“Yes, I know. And you know that we have to continue, right?”
“What do you mean?” This time JiYong turned his body on the couch, facing SeungHyun, hugging his waist to keep his balance.
“Tell the others, HyunSuk, Teddy, Kush, our friends, our families, we need to tell those we trust. And it will also be safer for us.”
“Yes. But are you sure about this?” asked JiYong, burying his face against SeungHyun’s chest.
“Yes, it’s time.” After a pause he said, “Ji, I can’t promise you that what happened last night won’t happen again. I...Look at me.” JiYong lifted his face, looking at the other, “You know me; I can’t promise you I won’t hurt you again one day and you can’t promise the same. But I can promise I’ll be honest with you. And, although it will be difficult, I will try to talk to you about my feelings. Can you be happy with that?”
“Well, I would prefer a poem or the conventional love oaths,” JiYong teased, “But for now I think this will suffice.” He sank back into SeungHyun’s chest.
“JiYong? JiYong-ah!”
“Hmm?” JiYong rose again.
“I love you.”
“Aigoo, why do you have to say these things?” he said in a mocking tone, but was visibly pleased.
“Ah, you’re going to tell me that you don’t love these movie phrases?”
“Hyunie, I think you’re watching too many dramas. This whole thing about being an actor is getting to your head, right?” he said, laughing happily.
“Come here.” said SeungHyun and tugged him.
“Yes?” SeungHyun didn’t say anything anymore; he just got closer to JiYong until their lips touched, feeling their breath mingling, while they gradually deepened the kiss.
Squeezing his eyes closed, JiYong responded to the kiss, until he felt his lungs burn from the lack of air, then pulled away breathing heavily.
Feeling slightly trembling lips, SeungHyun provoked him, “Ah, you are always the weakest...”
“Who is weak?” JiYong protested, poking his ribs and this time kissing the other.
They stayed there, hugging, exchanging kisses in the shadows, their hands gliding gently over their bodies in uninterrupted caresses, simply enjoying each other’s company. Then, SeungHyun furtively slipped his hand under JiYong’s shirt, until he touched his nipple, which he circled with his fingers before squeezing the pink tip. JiYong moaned, chokingly in SeungHyun’s mouth, who continued with the caress. “JiYongie, how long do we have until the concert?”
“Ahhhh, Hyun, you are...are not, umm, thinking...?”
SeungHyun separated only millimeters from JiYong’s face, his tongue still caressing his lips, provocatively sliding it over the other’s teeth, “And why not? It’s your last performance; don’t you think we should commemorate it?” he said, and then descended, kissing down JiYong’s neck, who flexed his head to one side, allowing the other greater access.
“Hmmm...maybe...ah...not a...ah...good idea.” He could hardly articulate the words, with the other pressing his body against his, deliciously kissing the soft skin of his neck, and stopping in a torturous way over places where he lightly nibbled.
One of SeungHyun’s hands went the opposite way, reaching the zipper on JiYong’s pants, taking the small metal piece between his fingers, sliding it slowly, lingering, until finally infiltrating inside his boxers, taking his hard member, covering its length all the way to the tip, which slid wetly under his thumb. “No?” SeungHyun asked again, without stopping the slow caress.
JiYong, who unconsciously lifted his hips and slightly parted his legs, replied stammering, “Maybe...maybe yeah...I think we have...umm...a lot of time.” He felt alive; his body excitedly succumbed to every touch.
SeungHyun separated himself, sitting down quickly, without diverting his eyes away from the man in front of him, he unbuttoned the cardigan he wore and pulled the shirt he had underneath over his head. It took a few seconds for JiYong to react, and still panting, also sat up, taking off his own clothes, and laying back quickly. SeungHyun returned to JiYong’s lips, with a delayed kiss, then went down to his chin, where he gave him a light bite. He then slowly went down his chest, taking the slightly swollen tip of his nipple between his teeth, licking the aroused skin, lingering on that one and then the other, feeling the body under his shudder in pleasure, then soon after continued his way down, slowly...
JiYong, with his head resting on the couch’s armrest, had a hand covering his eyes and the other he led to his mouth, suppressing a moan.
*****
On Monday, all sites that specialized in music said that the most vibrant performance was the one on Sunday. And that, to the surprise of the audience, the group Big Bang had performed together with its leader, in a captivating performance, showing that, despite the few promotions throughout the year, the group maintained the same chemistry. Already the virtual communities devoted to the group posted, enthusiastically, that Sunday, the light of G-Dragon had been so dazzling that it drew away the darkness triumphantly.
The End.
************
A/N2: First of all, I wanna thank the girls who made this fanfic possible: boojaejongie, 0ddie13 and aislinoriel.
And I wanna thank my lovely readers for your comments. Being a reader for so long, now I know how important is receive your support. Thank you!
I would love if you let me know your opinion about this fanfic. ♥
Author: Atenais
Rating: NC-15 (maybe?)
Length: Two chapters: I | II
Words: 6623
Pairings: GTOP (SeungHyun/JiYong)
Genre: Canon, Angst
Beta: aislinoriel.
Summary: What happened backstage at Shine A Light.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, these boys don't belong to me. But the story certainly is the fruit of my imagination.
Warning: language, inconsistency.
Version: Portuguese/Spanish
A/N: I dedicate this fic to my lovely 0ddie13. Paty, ya sabes, si no fuera por ti este fi nunca vendria a la luz. Gracias, nena, eres la mejor.
Shine A Light
II - In The Light
The lights, the music, the cry of the audience, the sweat, the euphoria of the dancers -it was as if every little detail had condensed forming a new element - the air was impregnated with this new matter; and as if his skin was a catalyst, he felt tonight with all his being, as if he too was part of the whole. He closed his eyes for an instant, trying to freeze the moment, because the moment would pass. The joy and euphoria ran through his veins, pumped by the imaginary heart found in his mind, immortalizing the moment; and then he forgot everything in the next second, helpless before the power of time. However, his victory was tainted, despite his efforts to not remember he was not there; his absence was like a lost particle in the amalgam that was that night.
The world belonged to him. But he did not feel like a god tonight.
*****
After the shower he went down to the first floor. SeungHyun looked around, looking for any indication that he was there. The kitchen, illuminated by the large window, lay silent, nothing was out of place. In the living room, the large sofa and armchairs were slightly disarranged, a cushion on the floor. No, he did not dream last night. But despite the physical evidence on his body and the living room, he looked for signs of the other man. It was inevitable, as if he could be there, as if today was not another busy day for him, as if the house was not silent enough.
The truth was that the note puzzled him. What was its significance? Of course he did not expect to be forgiven so easily, in the end, one night together was just one night together, the sex never fixed things, the desire they had for one another could not justify each of his actions. He had not supposed that, even if subconsciously he did expect that, yes, that all would be forgiven after the passionate interlude. God, how corny was he, and how he fell into the traps in which all men fall. He felt relieved to know that his thoughts could not be read, so much effort to construct this idealized image and he betrayed it in every thought. He would never cease to be the chubby kid from childhood, his self-confidence based on the loose certainty of his current good looks. He would never cease to be what he really was, a feeling forged with great effort.
He sat in one of the armchairs. He didn’t feel hungry. He was there for a few moments until he got up, as if he had remembered something. He went to the front door, where he had left his bag the night before. He searched for his cell phone and returned to the living room. After turning on the gadget it sounded a few times, informing him of missed calls and new messages. As expected there were calls and messages from YoungBae, DaeSung, SeungRi and, of course his manager. There was even a message from Yang HyunSuk, threatening in its simplicity, “We’ll chat Monday.” They all seemed determined to torture him with these short messages, which said nothing, therefore, were so threatening in their infinite possibility of meanings. However, he was relieved with this message, he knew this would be about work and he could handle that. He visualized the conversation with the president, he knew that he would say harsh words, knew that he could be punished somehow, and knew he would say nothing in return. After all, there was nothing to say in his defense. Therefore, that was practically resolved in his mind. But he could not do the same with ‘the other talk’.
What would he say? Would he be accused of disloyalty, or condemned for his selfishness? Would he...would he end everything? He could not hide from this possibility; they had already ended things once, in the past, during their not so long relationship. Well, they had not really ended, and had only given each other some ‘time’. He smiled slightly at the thought of this term, typically feminine, which for men has only one meaning; the possibility of being with another person while the formal relationship soaked for a while. There was just one detail, not unimportant nevertheless, that it was him who had asked for that ‘time’. Until then, he still felt quite unsure about everything. He had never before gotten involved with a man and he had to confess that it had not been easy for his ego to admit that he was attracted, no, madly attracted to someone of the same sex. Furthermore, it wasn’t easy to deal with JiYong’s behavior. Despite knowing him since adolescence, when they were not as close as people liked to believe, he still felt difficulties in managing the relationship they had. He would not describe himself as a jealous man, but JiYong had more friends than he wished, and he behaved so specially with these friends. It was normal to feel uncomfortable to see the person who he was with, act so loving with other men and women, right? Attractive men and women, he might add.
Yet, what happened the night before clearly showed that he was not completely immune to his insecurities. It was still difficult to accept his relationship with another man, not just because of the implications in his career, since it was clear this could never be revealed, but it was hard to keep the relationship hidden from his family, his friends, it was just frustrating to be on the lookout 24 hours a day. The relationship they had, in fact had distanced them, as the fear of giving any evidence made them avoid interacting during the day. They avoided talking or looking at each other on camera for fear of giving anything away.
He was suspicious that the group members knew or assumed something, but obviously this was a taboo subject, and until now the others made jokes about his relationship with the actress. That was not only uncomfortable, but also hurt JiYong.
One thing was certain, regardless of what the other would say, some things would have to change. It was time to admit that they had a relationship, though the fate of it was so uncertain at this time. Yet perhaps, after ‘this talk’ there would be no relationship.
SeungHyun gathered himself, somewhat decided, his cell phone still in his hands. He fixed his appearance in the hallway mirror, put on his coat, put on his glasses and with his bag in hand left the house.
*****
He knew from his regular breathing, that he was asleep. A slightly faint pink mingled with the darkness of the night, but he could see that it wasn’t dawn yet and he had not been able to sleep all night. JiYong moved carefully on the bed, despite being a large bachelors bed, it was still a bachelors bed and he did not want to wake the other. It wasn’t that difficult, since he didn’t need to untangle himself from the other, SeungHyun didn’t have the habit of embracing him while sleeping. In reality, it was he who controlled himself to not hug him, even to not get closer. SeungHyun and his stupid problems with proximity!
Despite the curiosity to look around the room carefully, as he had rarely been in that house, he turned completely until he was facing SeungHyun. He was sleeping deeply on his side, both hands clasped under his head, he looked quite comfortable. JiYong sighed lightly. What would he do with SeungHyun? He surrendered once again to the furtive game that he had become addicted to since they were together; to watch SeungHyun while he slept. It was the only time he could do it without worrying about bothering the other. During these moments he felt jealous of his partner, how was he able to be so attractive, at a time of physical unconsciousness like this one? Black hair, disheveled, falling over his eyes, these slightly blackened because of the eyeliner and blurred makeup, even though they had washed their faces before coming to bed. The company hyungs were right when they decided to work the image of TOP from his enigmatic gaze, although the propaganda reinforced the image of mystery that they tried to sell, he had to admit that SeungHyun had beautiful eyes. Big black eyes, crowned by long, black lashes and a clean and strong gaze, from which SeungHyun drew great advantage, it was impressive how much force he could transmit from just one look, although part of this force was only feigned. But what most attracted him was the man’s mouth in front of him, an elegantly drawn mouth, the upper lip thinner with its curves more prominent, it gave him a proud air when he smiled. Certainly SeungHyun was aware of the effect of his smile. Mother of god, he must really love him. Who got lost in conjectures of a man’s mouth!? He felt a little stupid, but he could not suppress the desire to touch him. He furtively moved his hand towards the face of the other, pushing away a few hair strands off his eyes. He descended his fingers to his mouth, feeling slightly chapped lips under his fingers, outlining them as if trying to draw them. For some reason he remembered the young SeungHyun and how he had changed, how now his look reflected the self-confidence that a beautiful image helped strengthen. But his lips had not changed, remained the same, elegant, as if it were an old painting. SeungHyun, why do you still have these fears, why couldn’t he surrender? Or did he not understand that the distance that he imposed prevented JiYong from getting closer? He also had his own ego, he also tried not to show himself completely. Since no one is completely safe in a relationship, no one dares to reveal themselves fully, after all, we don’t even dare to reveal everything to ourselves totally. We all have feelings of which we feel ashamed. But when we love we strive to pretend the minimum that is possible and proudly show the glory of our imperfect souls.
These fears, these damn insecurities of SeungHyun’s had ruined JiYong’s day. That day, for which he had waited so long, the day that would be the day of his worship, where thousands of fans would be devoted to his presence, where he could show everyone how talented and special he was, and SeungHyun had stolen all of that with his absence. To think that JiYong was so proud to show off, knowing that SeungHyun would be watching him, to know that the other was present made him feel even bigger, a giant, and all vanished in an instant.
Snuggling closer to SeungHyun, he thought about if he could forgive him. The other, completely unaware of the thoughts he provoked, moved slightly with the proximity of JiYong. This idiot seems to want to keep limits even when we are sleeping! Irritated, JiYong got even closer, slipped his hand under the sheets towards SeungHyun’s waist, drawing him to himself. SeungHyun shifted once more, still not waking up. JiYong smothered his face in the curve of his neck and nuzzled up to him. He felt an urgent need to feel his skin. He felt so confused and at this moment physical contact was the only thing that relieved him a little. Hell, SeungHyun knew him and knew that JiYong liked skinship; if they stayed together he would have to accept it. He tried to empty his mind, he knew he wouldn’t come up with any conclusions at this moment, and he needed to think, but not now. He concentrated his attention on SeungHyun’s slow and regular breathing, motionless for a moment, feeling the warmth that was shared by his skin, he closed his eyes, he would not cry now. Why did he have to feel so sensitive about everything? Better to write good lyrics after all of this and make this frivolous anguish worthwhile. Wasn’t this what he did? Exploit his emotions to his advantage?
He inhaled the sweet scent of SeungHyun, oh! If people knew how feminine the rapper was! JiYong slid his hand over the other’s back, if he could always have him like this, his, without fears, without anxieties. For the love of god, Kwon JiYong, what’s wrong with you!? Why do you have to romanticize all the time? Things are just simple...In the real world people have dumb and real problems. It was enough to know if he could live with that. What if SeungHyun continued hurting him that way? Would it be healthy for them, who worked together, members of the same group, to risk their professional relationship and also their friendship for something that could disappear as quickly as it began? And most importantly, would they survive till the end without compromising their work? After all, no matter how foolish his dreams of love were and all that silly romantic nonsense in which he liked to believe, feeling the most poetic and romantic creature, his work - his music was what really mattered - it was what moved him forward, it was what would be left at the end of the day.
He would not change his music for SeungHyun. At the same time this thought crossed his mind he felt his chest constrict. Why did he have to think about such things? It was his fault for feeling that way, for showing him how susceptible he was at the other’s attitude and he hated feeling weak that way.
He moved away a little, the morning, which already showed signs of its arrival, illuminated SeungHyun’s face amid the shadows of the room and the night was already bidding farewell idly. How beautiful was this bastard! Well, he could not say whether he was actually handsome, with that face, which still bore traces of a child, those lips, that were neither full nor sensual, but that attracted him hopelessly, those eyes that said so much, even if they were lies, everything attracted him. Oh! What had he done? Why did he have to feel so attracted to SeungHyun, why did he use all means to seduce him, why couldn’t he appreciate him from a distance, why did he have to have him all to himself?
These thoughts were not clear, but he knew that the blame for possibly losing their friendship was definitely his, nothing would be what it was before and this was the risk he took for wanting him so much. He raised his face, getting closer to SeungHyun’s, until he felt his breath on his cheek. He gently kissed his lips. The other kept his lips parted, without any reaction. JiYong insisted, remembering how SeungHyun had kissed him downstairs, a few hours earlier. He had never done it in that manner, so passionate. He captured SeungHyun’s lips, feeling the softness of his flesh with his own, pressing gently, sliding his tongue over his lips, going over the upper lip’s prominent curves he so admired, opening his mouth and taking the other’s lips ever so delicately, but firmly, the way he did when he ate grapes, pressing gently, until the thin skin yielded to the gentle pressure, revealing the succulent flesh.
He didn’t intend to wake the other, but at that moment SeungHyun already reacted in a lethargic mode to the constant kisses. JiYong allowed his tongue to find SeungHyun’s and crudely felt the taste of saliva, his tongue caressing the other’s, which offered no resistance. His kisses had already crossed some invisible boundary, and he kissed him as a man and felt his body surrender to his own desire. SeungHyun responded, kissing him back, not fully awake, but sensitive to the stimulus on his body, loosely embracing JiYong. It was enough. JiYong lessened the insistence of his kisses, until they became small caresses, just a brush of lips, and then ceased completely. They remained that way for several minutes, until SeungHyun, who didn’t fully wake up, fell back into his deep sleep.
When JiYong was certain that SeungHyun was again fast asleep, he sat up. He walked toward the chair where they had left their clothes, dressing silently. He then searched through the drawer of the desk that adorned one of the walls, being careful not to make noise. The morning already lit the room well and he was able to find what he sought, so leaning over his own body he scribbled something on a piece of paper. He approached the bed again, where he had been minutes earlier, and he remained standing there for an instant, without taking his eyes off of SeungHyun. Then finally, leaving the paper on the nightstand, he left the room.
*****
For how talented, creative and interesting we think we are, some reactions are just so fundamental in man, that it is impossible to escape our humanity. And when we feel distressed and insecure we usually look for places where we feel safe, that provide us with tranquility, even in the moments of our greatest crisis. And it was precisely what JiYong did; he sought the place that brought him safety, the dorm he shared with the other members. Although it had changed locations several times and for several reasons, the dorm was still his safe harbor and he almost felt pathetic for that. But the feeling vanished as soon as he opened the door. After taking off his shoes, he walked into the kitchen where - and once again he mentally thanked the comforting routine - he found YoungBae next to the espresso machine on the granite counter, waiting while the machine filtered the boiling beverage into a porcelain cup. “I suppose you’d like some, right?”
Minutes later, the two friends were seated comfortably on the couches in the living room.
“You look tired.”
“I didn’t sleep.” JiYong replied, sipping the drink from his cup.
“Did you guys talk?”
JiYong looked over his shoulder, towards the hallway leading to the rooms. “The others...?”
“Don’t worry, they are still sleeping.” YoungBae smiled slightly. “SeungRi didn’t stop talking about the performance of ‘Breathe’. I think it will be the topic of the week.”
“Did Dae say something?”
“He was quite impressed with the concert, well, we all feel that way, but... But I think he was worried about SeungHyun, so he didn’t talk that much.” He looked worried at the other, who was looking down at his own cup.
“Yeah, I saw he left the party early. Did he really not say anything?
“No. Not about that. He just looked worried. You know how he likes hyung.”
“Yeah, I know.” He replied dryly.
“Ji...” The other finally looked up from his coffee and faced his friend. “What really happened?”
JiYong expected the question, but he still wasn’t sure how to answer. What could he say? ‘Nothing important, we found each other, fought and then we had sex, everything is normal now’? No, he couldn’t say that. And the truth was that he still didn’t even know what had happened. What really happened between him and SeungHyun that night?
“I don’t know, Bae. I still can’t fully understand what happened to him last night. He told me he felt jealous!” He said exasperated. The other, still didn’t answer. “Why does this not seem to surprise you?”
“He knows I know, JiYong-ah?”
“I have never told him, but it’s clear he must suspect you do. He knows you’re my best friend.”
“That doesn’t change anything.”
“Do you think the others know something?”
“They clearly must be suspicious of something. DaeSungie has been quite busy lately. But little SeungHyun already commented with something about the way you look at each other.”
“If even Ri has noticed something, I think we haven’t been careful enough.” he said, laughing weakly.
“Well, JiYong-ah, you know how curious he is, how he is always watching you.”
“Yeah, yeah. You know I’m not good with jokes, especially at the moment.” he answered, however he seemed to have his mind elsewhere, his gaze fixed at the cup in his hands.
“Don’t you think its time for you, well, for both of you, to reveal this to us?” YoungBae asked calmly.
JiYong placed the cup on the center table and took one of his hands to his mouth, biting the tip of his fingers. “But it’s him who doesn’t want anyone to know! We still have to wait...” He ran his hand through his hair, agitated. “I just don’t know if I want to wait, if I want to continue with this.”
YoungBae leaned off the couch. “Are you telling me you want to end it with hyung, Ji… you want to end the relationship?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know if staying together will be good for us. Did you see what he did? That was a concert, it was an important presentation. And what if this continues to affect our work and what if this harms Big Bang? Do you think we could handle it? I don’t know anymore...” And then he looked at YoungBae as if expecting an answer.
“But you knew from the beginning.”
“Yes, and I thought it would work. Can it be that just to love is not enough?”
“It depends on how much one loves.”
The room became silent. YoungBae picked up the cups from the table and went to the kitchen. JiYong hugged his legs, resting his chin on his knees.
When the other returned to the living room, JiYong mumbled out loud, “I can’t believe I’m getting advice from a virgin!”
YoungBae just gave him an enigmatic look and replied, “You know that’s not entirely true.”
The other just smiled, but his attention was diverted by his cell phone ringing. He flexed his legs and pulled the device from the pocket of the jeans he was wearing, looking at the screen. “It’s NamGuk hyung,” he said before answering, “Hello, hyung...”
“Ah, yes, yes hyung.”
“No, I’m already awake.”
“What time?” he looked at his watch. “Oh, all right, hyung.” He closed his cell phone and got up. “They want me to go to the Olympic, it seems we need to go over some things.”
“What time?” Asked the other, curious.
“In one hour. It’s best I shower, the day will be tough.” He walked towards the hallway, but turned before leaving the room, “YoungBae, thanks.”
YoungBae smiled back. It was a smile that was replaced by a serious expression as soon as JiYong left the room. He felt helpless; he knew there was nothing he could do to help him. In addition, officially he knew nothing and this made him feel guilty whenever he was with SeungHyun. He really hated feigning ignorance. He laid on the couch and closed his eyes. Refusing to be just a spectator, he did all he could, he whispered a little prayer. If some god heard him, nobody would know, but that at least, provided him some relief.
*****
A milky and dirty sky covered the city. The turbid waters of the river sparkled under the lifeless sun; silvery reflections in the ripples the current produced, that then died in the swirls of dense foam. The long road that followed the margins was empty this ashy morning. Small twisted trees and pale grass brought the only life to that great city’s landscape. No beverage store, no pedestrians, which was unusual at the borders of the Han River.
The man jumped from the taxi, which turned around and drove off, leaving him there alone. He walked to the road, readjusting in his brown coat, and then went wandering aimlessly. The barren landscape gave him some sort of comfort, the semi-silence of being in a city yet without people talking around him; it relieved him. He found melancholy days like this one beautiful and it was easy for him to focus his thoughts without worrying if someone was watching him. SeungHyun adjusted his glasses, under the cold wind the tips of his bangs fluttered slightly below the beanie that covered his head. He wore a thick scarf around his neck and leather gloves. He wouldn’t stop being careful just because the day was uninviting for people to leave their homes.
Finally he would have time to think about the events of last night. Somehow he knew the reasons which led him to feel jealousy. The impossibility of revealing their relationship and having to keep it clandestine, as if for the world they were single, as if they were accessible. Seeing JiYong in such sensual manner with a woman, reminded him that in addition to clandestine, their relationship was taboo. He maintained a relationship with another man and even if he tried to deny it, it filled him with fear and in a way, was also a blow to his ego. Although he couldn’t reveal this relationship to everyone, it would be difficult to confess it to his family, his friends. Well, his sister already knew, he couldn’t hide anything from her, and was suspicious that JiYong had already told YoungBae.
How could he tell his friends? They always joked about his fame and his enormous success with women. He would have to admit he liked this. However, if this relationship remained in the shadows his insecurity would never leave him, he would always be fearful of losing JiYong to another man or another woman more attractive then him. Would he be willing to give up this relationship, which in the end caused him so many fears?
But the reality was that he never felt this way with any ex-girlfriend. JiYong and him were equals, they shared the same love for music, were equally passionate about their work and when they chatted, even if they disagreed, they still understood each other. And this was so rare in their world. Two of his old friends distanced themselves after he entered a ‘boyband’, some treated him with a level of disdain and others with disguised envy. He never felt completely comfortable with the sunbaes from work, his shy and timid personality made him see them as ‘enlightened,’ far from reality. He still tried to calm himself, but could not get rid of the respect they inspired in him. As for the hobaes in the business, the truth was he did not feel comfortable with them either. There were many things at risk, a certain air of competition that none admitted, musical differences, and well, the truth was that he found, at least most, were a bunch of idiots. Fools, that only cared about having success, and the only thing that concerned them was the number of members of their fancafes - he conveniently forgot that he also cared about these things, but the little imperfections, we simply sweep them under the rug - and with the number of searches that their names provoked on the internet.
He was lucky to be part of a group that had some artistic freedom, with members who had ambitions beyond numbers and beyond fame. And he had always had respect for JiYong, had always admired his talent and his commercial perception. He could understand the fascination he awoke in little SeungHyun as he had caught him red-handed many times watching his friend. But never, never could he have imagined that one day he, himself would be involved with him this way. Still, he couldn’t explain when and why he felt so attracted to JiYong, when his body began to react to the other being near him. That was something that intrigued him and frightened him, because he had never before felt attracted to a man. Perhaps it was JiYong’s strangely androgynous beauty, the way he expressed himself with his body so easily, his sensuality. Now he knew that JiYong had seduced him, which occurred only because he himself was not immune to the provocations of the other. And this he found perfect, because they not only desired each other physically, which would not be so rare in a relationship, but they had respect and admiration for each other. This was the best that had happened in his life; JiYong and his career.
Would this repeat itself once more? To fall in love with someone who was his equal? Maybe, maybe not, like everything else in life, this was a possibility. But the truth was that the chances were slim. And one day all would end, Big Bang, the pleasure this career gave him, his love, his dreams, his plans. Just one thing would survive time: his memories and he should decide which memory he would like to possess when nothing else mattered. He had to decide to be among the ruins of an ego built with compliments and pretenses, or the ashes of one true love. When everything was no more than memories, what is it that he would like to remember?
And that was exactly what he had to decide.
He stopped for a moment, facing the cold wind. He took his cell phone out from his pocket and sent a message. He then made a call, he needed a cab.
*****
JiYong was exhausted. The previous night had exhausted him, twice. Because of that, he didn’t stop downing energy drinks; after all, a night just as weary awaited him. To his relief the problems that surrounded the concert tonight were of no great importance, but instead ordinary and did not require much of his ingenuity. The day passed in the blink of an eye and he had no time to think about other things that were not that night’s presentation. True, the order of the songs had to be rearranged, as was clear, he would perform “Lies” once again, alone. After reviewing the list of events one last time along with the staff, he left the stage still dead, and went to the dressing rooms. He had to shower, try to relieve all the stress of the day and then prepare for the show.
To his surprise, upon arriving at his dressing room, he found SeungRi sitting on a couch, with his cell phone in his hands. He wasn’t surprised that the maknae was already there, since he really liked to participate in these events, what shocked him was that he was not dressed for a show, instead he wore the clothes that he usually wore at the dorms. “What are you doing here?”
“Ah, hyung, did you finish everything?” he asked, visibly excited.
“Yes, yeah. But what are you doing here at this hour?”
Before the other answered, they were interrupted by a third person who was coming out of the washroom at that moment.
“Hey, hyung!”
JiYong’s shock grew, and now why was DaeSung there? “DaeSungie, did something happen?”
“Nothing, hyung.”
SeungRi looked up from his cell phone, where he was distracted with some game, and asked the other, “You’re not going to tell him that hyung...” but was interrupted once more when someone came into the dressing room.
“Ah, then you were here!” said YoungBae.
JiYong’s gaze rested on each of the members, questioningly.
The others changed their expression, until SeungRi spoke, “Hyung called us here. He sent us a message.”
“What hyung? HyunSuk?”
“No.” replied the other, as if it were something obvious, “SeungHyun hyung!”
Now JiYong was beside himself with shock. SeungHyun had summoned them there? What was he planning? JiYong questioned YoungBae with his eyes, but he simply shrugged.
DaeSung just tilted his head to one side and SeungRi continued, “He sent us a message and told us to come. And you know he’ll come later...” before he could continue, the originator of such commotion came into the dressing room.
“Hyung...?” JiYong said, undecided. In fact, he just called him hyung when they were around other people.
SeungHyun made sure to lock the door and walked decidedly toward JiYong. He took his hands, and before the other reacted, he solemnly said, “We are together.”
JiYong’s eyes leaped, YoungBae kept his eyes serene and DaeSung and SeungRi waited. “And...?” continued the latter.
“JiYong-ah and I...We have a relationship. W...we are boyfriends.” SeungHyun strongly blushed at the last statement.
“Yeah, hyung, and what else?” SeungRi asked calmly.
“Well, this is it. Why does no one seem surprised?” SeungHyun looked at JiYong, who just shrugged, replying, “I...I haven’t said anything.”
And after YoungBae made a noise with his throat, he amended, “Well, I just told YoungBae. But you also told your sister,” he said defensively.
“Well hyung, you didn’t really think that the only things that interested me are the noonas and the self-help books!” shouted the youngest, stunned.
“To tell you the truth, we already suspected, but it was SeungRi who told me it was something true.” said DaeSung.
At that moment little SeungHyun sent a look full of wisdom and confidence to the older SeungHyun.
*****
Thirty minutes later there were four hours to the start of the second great night. The lights of the dressing room were switched off and left the room in semi-darkness. In the distance people at work could be heard, and on one of the couches, two human forms laid in silence. JiYong was laying on SeungHyun’s chest, embraced, SeungHyun’s hands intertwined on top of his hands, which rested on his stomach.
“So, you called the others?” JiYong asked, breaking the silence.
“Uh-huh.”
“You called them here to tell them about us?” he turned to look at SeungHyun’s face.
SeungHyun smiled, making his dimples appear. “Uh-huh.”
“And you think because of that I’m going to forgive you?”
SeungHyun thought for a moment and nodded, “Uh-huh.”
“Ah, there is no way to talk to you!” he complained, freeing himself from the other’s hands.
However, SeungHyun didn’t let him get up, as he took JiYong’s hands again and pulled him towards himself. “Ji, fine. I know what I did wasn’t right.” After a pause he continued, “And I’m not talking just about your feelings, I know I disappointed you professionally too.”
The other raised an eyebrow, waiting.
“You should know that I take our job very seriously.”
“Yeah, I thought so.”
“But you must understand that it was really unbearable for me to stay there at that moment, I just couldn’t.”
“Do you have any idea how much I wanted you there, how I wanted you to see that performance, of how I thought you’d be proud of me...?”
“Ji, forgive me.” SeungHyun said, burying his face in the other’s hair.
JiYong clasped his hands, “If I had not forgiven you, we would not be here.” He turned around and lightly kissed SeungHyun on the lips.
“Yes, I know. And you know that we have to continue, right?”
“What do you mean?” This time JiYong turned his body on the couch, facing SeungHyun, hugging his waist to keep his balance.
“Tell the others, HyunSuk, Teddy, Kush, our friends, our families, we need to tell those we trust. And it will also be safer for us.”
“Yes. But are you sure about this?” asked JiYong, burying his face against SeungHyun’s chest.
“Yes, it’s time.” After a pause he said, “Ji, I can’t promise you that what happened last night won’t happen again. I...Look at me.” JiYong lifted his face, looking at the other, “You know me; I can’t promise you I won’t hurt you again one day and you can’t promise the same. But I can promise I’ll be honest with you. And, although it will be difficult, I will try to talk to you about my feelings. Can you be happy with that?”
“Well, I would prefer a poem or the conventional love oaths,” JiYong teased, “But for now I think this will suffice.” He sank back into SeungHyun’s chest.
“JiYong? JiYong-ah!”
“Hmm?” JiYong rose again.
“I love you.”
“Aigoo, why do you have to say these things?” he said in a mocking tone, but was visibly pleased.
“Ah, you’re going to tell me that you don’t love these movie phrases?”
“Hyunie, I think you’re watching too many dramas. This whole thing about being an actor is getting to your head, right?” he said, laughing happily.
“Come here.” said SeungHyun and tugged him.
“Yes?” SeungHyun didn’t say anything anymore; he just got closer to JiYong until their lips touched, feeling their breath mingling, while they gradually deepened the kiss.
Squeezing his eyes closed, JiYong responded to the kiss, until he felt his lungs burn from the lack of air, then pulled away breathing heavily.
Feeling slightly trembling lips, SeungHyun provoked him, “Ah, you are always the weakest...”
“Who is weak?” JiYong protested, poking his ribs and this time kissing the other.
They stayed there, hugging, exchanging kisses in the shadows, their hands gliding gently over their bodies in uninterrupted caresses, simply enjoying each other’s company. Then, SeungHyun furtively slipped his hand under JiYong’s shirt, until he touched his nipple, which he circled with his fingers before squeezing the pink tip. JiYong moaned, chokingly in SeungHyun’s mouth, who continued with the caress. “JiYongie, how long do we have until the concert?”
“Ahhhh, Hyun, you are...are not, umm, thinking...?”
SeungHyun separated only millimeters from JiYong’s face, his tongue still caressing his lips, provocatively sliding it over the other’s teeth, “And why not? It’s your last performance; don’t you think we should commemorate it?” he said, and then descended, kissing down JiYong’s neck, who flexed his head to one side, allowing the other greater access.
“Hmmm...maybe...ah...not a...ah...good idea.” He could hardly articulate the words, with the other pressing his body against his, deliciously kissing the soft skin of his neck, and stopping in a torturous way over places where he lightly nibbled.
One of SeungHyun’s hands went the opposite way, reaching the zipper on JiYong’s pants, taking the small metal piece between his fingers, sliding it slowly, lingering, until finally infiltrating inside his boxers, taking his hard member, covering its length all the way to the tip, which slid wetly under his thumb. “No?” SeungHyun asked again, without stopping the slow caress.
JiYong, who unconsciously lifted his hips and slightly parted his legs, replied stammering, “Maybe...maybe yeah...I think we have...umm...a lot of time.” He felt alive; his body excitedly succumbed to every touch.
SeungHyun separated himself, sitting down quickly, without diverting his eyes away from the man in front of him, he unbuttoned the cardigan he wore and pulled the shirt he had underneath over his head. It took a few seconds for JiYong to react, and still panting, also sat up, taking off his own clothes, and laying back quickly. SeungHyun returned to JiYong’s lips, with a delayed kiss, then went down to his chin, where he gave him a light bite. He then slowly went down his chest, taking the slightly swollen tip of his nipple between his teeth, licking the aroused skin, lingering on that one and then the other, feeling the body under his shudder in pleasure, then soon after continued his way down, slowly...
JiYong, with his head resting on the couch’s armrest, had a hand covering his eyes and the other he led to his mouth, suppressing a moan.
*****
On Monday, all sites that specialized in music said that the most vibrant performance was the one on Sunday. And that, to the surprise of the audience, the group Big Bang had performed together with its leader, in a captivating performance, showing that, despite the few promotions throughout the year, the group maintained the same chemistry. Already the virtual communities devoted to the group posted, enthusiastically, that Sunday, the light of G-Dragon had been so dazzling that it drew away the darkness triumphantly.
The End.
************
A/N2: First of all, I wanna thank the girls who made this fanfic possible: boojaejongie, 0ddie13 and aislinoriel.
And I wanna thank my lovely readers for your comments. Being a reader for so long, now I know how important is receive your support. Thank you!
I would love if you let me know your opinion about this fanfic. ♥