A Treatise on Love and War

[bagheera]

Yesterday, I chatted with a friend I haven't talked to in a long time. We asked each other how we have been, and gave each other updates on life in general. I mentioned that I've moved in with Balaa, and the question I immediately received from my friend was "Is marriage down the road?" and when I said no, the follow up question was "Are you guys

Comments

[netolu]

You have created the single most well written article on the subject. If you don't mind, I may be quoting you for some time to come.

[shinigamigirl]

Very well worded, and I agree with you on principle. But unfortunately I have seen many relationships in which the partners allow each other to go off and have sex with other people fall apart. Usually it stays amicable, sometimes not, but unfortunately in the vast majority of such relationships I have known of, one of the partners ends up leaving for one of their "on the side" sexual partners once the luster of new love wears off. I am in no way trying to imply that this will happen to you guys, just pointing out that having too much freedom can be a bad thing too because people's emotions change, and especially because of the third parties involved and their emotions. I think this kind of rift often appears not necessarily because of the initial couple of people, but because of the others involved and of their feelings

[bagheera]

I think what you are describing is precisely what I define as "Open Relationship" xD and it is not something I personally like, but hey I won't judge. :)

I think most people are very impulsive, emotionally-driven creatures. They do things and feel the need to do things without asking themselves "why". I think that is the reason most relationships fail (most monogamous couples marry way too early) - whether or not third parties are involved.

[shinigamigirl]

Which part? XD As I see it an open relationship is a one in which each member of the couple can have intimate relations with other people as long as they let their partner know (usually beforehand), which is something I don't like either for a myriad of reasons. Sex is not like going shopping, I can't see myself being so casual about it. XD

[bagheera]

I am not implying that there's only need for a serious commitment after marriage... where did you get that from? O_o That's like the opposite of what I am trying to say. xD

And I was referring to the part where you said you've seen too many cases of people allowing their partner to go off and have sex with other people - that is how I usually define as an "open relationship", and while it may seem similar to what I share with my mate, the mentality behind it isn't the same.

And yes of course I thought the same rhetoric can be applied to polygamy. :) That's the whole point of my post - it takes a high level of maturity and rationality to control base instincts like jealousy and aggression. Polygamy isn't a viable solution for most people; but I also disagree with the idea that society should pass judgment on what a "proper" relationship should be.

People need to define what "love" means on their own.

[alaitallon]

I actually really appreciate that you posted this, particularly now. I just recently got involved with someone who is poly (whereas I'm mostly mono), and it's good to hear an interesting perspective on it like this. I really like how your relationship gives a lot of emphasis on freedom of choice and not feeling constrained from following your heart. Though I'm pretty much monogamous by nature, for the most part, I think it shows that you have a tremendous amount of trust and love for each other

[bagheera]

Well I am not advocating that people go sleep around, but you know... :) If I were in a situation where I am offered a chance at intimacy by a female other than my mate, whether or not I say "yes" should be a decision I have to make; if my mate forced me into saying "no" it would just feel very awkward, even if I meant to say no to begin with, you know? And the same applies in reverse. My mate is very monogamous, I am not EXPECTING her to sleep with someone else, but I wanted to make sure she knows I do not wish to restrict her freedom in any way.

That's the way I view life in general, though. Rules only have value if you believe in them.

[fuenteviva]

I just attended a small gathering for my kid sister's first wedding anniversary today. The seven of us from both sides of the family wished them more happy years to come. My parents have been married almost 40 years, my brother-in-law's parents divorced after 15 years. I don't care about marriage one way or the other myself; I only want to see them happy.

I avoid any relationships myself because I can't stand not having the freedom to do whatever I want to do on the spur of the moment with my free time (and relationships don't really work if you only feel like spending time together once a month). That and it seems like people need so much more from me than I need from them that it feels more like charity than friendship or partnership. I see the aggressive competition thing all the time but my family and I just don't think that way.

[mass_repeat]

Hehehe! I know who that friend was x)

Great post Bagheera, I enjoyed reading it.