What's Up, Doc?
Title: What's Up, Doc?
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Ten, little bit of Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
Warnings: Reference to the Stolen Earth and spoilers through season 2 of Torchwood, season 4 of Doctor Who (just to be safe)
Beta'd: By several friends in bits and pieces.
Summary: Once again, I fail at writing Revelations. This was a (belated) birthday gift for the wonderful pintsizeninja , who requested Jack, Ianto, Ten, shenanigans, and bunnies. Needless to say, it got a bit cracky. But I'm rather pleased with the result. What with my recent drawing of Crystal the Ironically Crystal Bunny, you'd think I was on a rabbit kick. *shrugs* Maybe I am.
Excerpt:
"There is absolutely no way I'm going to believe that that is a rabbit," Ianto states resolutely.
The Doctor makes a mock strangled and offended noise at Ianto's disbelief before he grins.
"Of course he's a rabbit!" he says. "Well, I suppose that technically he's a very distant alien cousin of lepus insularis thousands of years in the future with some prolonged exposure to irradiated carotene thrown in, but still," the Doctor flails his hands with finality, "he's 100 percent fluffy bun-bun by whatever measurement of rabbitness you should choose to give him."
"There is absolutely no way I'm going to believe that that is a rabbit," Ianto states resolutely.
The Doctor makes a mock strangled and offended noise at Ianto's disbelief before he grins.
"Of course he's a rabbit!" he says. "Well, I suppose that technically he's a very distant alien cousin of lepus insularis thousands of years in the future with some prolonged exposure to irradiated carotene thrown in, but still," the Doctor flails his hands with finality, "he's 100 percent fluffy bun-bun by whatever measurement of rabbitness you should choose to give him."
"That explanation of its evolutionary lineage makes absolutely no sense. It looks like a hairy land anemone," Ianto says. "With eyes."
"Yes, well, if you had 40 pairs of ears shaped like a jack rabbit's, you'd look like that too."
"What about my ears?" Jack asks as he approaches them.
"Jack rabbit. Contrary to what your ego may tell you, not everyone spends every moment you're away talking about you," Ianto says.
"Aw, c'mon. I'm an interesting topic of conversation. If you weren't talking about me, what were you talking about?"
"I was just pointing out a fine specimen of alien life we seem to have stumbled across while you were busy... being you," the Doctor says, shooting a disapproving glance in Jack's direction.
"I only stayed behind for five minutes! We were just talking!" Jack says. "I was being polite!"
"That's one way of putting it," Ianto mutters. Jack gives him a chagrined smile.
"So, what fine specimen of alien life have we stumbled across?" Jack asks.
"Rabbit," the Doctor says excitedly, pointing to what looks like an undulating fuzzy Koosh ball as it shyly creeps closer to them.
"I'm still not convinced," Ianto says.
"What do you want, a pedigree?" the Doctor asks, and the rabbit scoots a little closer. "Trust the Time Lord. It's a rabbit, and a very rare one at that. I've never seen one; every time I've ever come to Lyquoptriax, they've been extinct. Maybe not entirely extinct... I think there were a couple in zoos, but that doesn't really count. Once all of your natural habitat gets developed into, admittedly, impressively gigantic star-scraping shopping malls, it's just a matter of time. Makes me feel bad for pandas, really. But anyway, the children's books about this particular species are just adorable. The Tale of Peter Rabbit is an unimaginative knock-off next to the brilliance that is The Adventures of Pet'an'quot'inalinaphhhhh."
"Catchy title," Ianto says.
The alien rabbit makes a joyous, indescribable meeping noise and takes several hops closer.
"That thing's not dangerous, is it?" Jack asks.
"Of course not," the Doctor answers. "But this one does seem a bit brave, doesn't he?" The Doctor pulls out his glasses and puts them on as he crouches, squinting as the rabbit moves a bit closer. "Maybe he's never come across people before. Though that seems unlikely given that we're only 500 yards outside of town."
"Maybe he smells the food we just ate," Jack says.
"Maybe he's attracted to your hairspray," Ianto says.
The rabbit meeps happily again. The Doctor melts.
"You're a smart ickle man, aren't you?" the Doctor coos, gently presenting the back of his hand for the rabbit to sniff. "I bet you just want to make fwiends wiff the silly humans, don't you?"
Ianto quirks an eyebrow at Jack who coughs and shakes his head. The rabbit opens a disturbingly huge mouth, two tiny front buck teeth poking out, before it latches on to the Doctor's finger and starts to gum at it.
"Uh... are you sure it's a good idea to let it do that?" Jack asks.
"Somehow I get the feeling he's never let a bad idea put him off anyway," Ianto says with an eye roll.
The rabbit detaches itself from the Doctor and lets out a meep in Jack and Ianto's direction.
"It's fine," the Doctor says. "Just tickled a bit. This is brilliant!"
Some bushes off to the left begin to rustle, and five more alien rabbits come tumbling out, their many sets of ears waving excitedly.
"Okaaaay... Now I'm getting a little nervous," Jack says as the meeps coming from the rabbits become more numerous and pronounced.
The Doctor stands up.
"Nothing to worry about. We must've just stumbled onto a nest of them is all," he says brightly. Nevertheless, he begins to cautiously move backwards.
"The fact that I find myself in a situation where I'm violently fighting back the urge to quote Monty Python is wrong on so many levels. I don't think there are even words to describe it," Ianto says.
Dozens more rabbits begin to spill out of the bushes. The first rabbit snuggles up against Ianto's shins, looks up at him, and begins... God help him... batting its eyes adoringly.
"Doctor..." Jack says, voice strangled, caught between being amused and horrified.
"Alright, then," the Doctor says, clapping his hands together. "I think it's time we headed back to the TARDIS."
"You think?" Ianto says.
The rabbit snuggling against Ianto gives a blissed-out shudder, and before they can even start running, at least a hundred of the aliens launch themselves toward Ianto. Ianto lets out a shout that sounds something like, "AhhhghhPHHXPBBT!" as he becomes engulfed in a wiggling mountain of cheerily meeping rabbits.
"Ianto!" Jack yells, digging through the pile of bunnies and puffily tossing a few aside in an attempt to get to him. The rabbits he's jostling let out an angry squeaking sound.
Suddenly, with an anti-climactic, nearly silent poof, the rabbits are gone. Ianto's gone with them.
For a long moment, Jack and the Doctor stare at the empty space in disbelief.
"Huh," the Doctor says finally. "Biokenetic teleportation." His face lights up in excitement. "Oh! I wonder if that's where magicians got the idea of popping rabbits in and out of hats!"
Jack groans and slaps a hand over his face.
_______________________________________________
"It's in here somewhere!" the Doctor says two minutes later, rooting through a storage room off the main bridge of the TARDIS. "Haven't read it in centuries, you understand, so there's bound to be a bit of disorganization..."
"I swear, Doctor, if you don't hurry up, I'll get him back myself," Jack says, arms crossed and jaw angrily clenched.
"No, no, no, nononono," the Doctor chants as he pops his head out of the dusty corner he's searching in. "Your rescue technique involves entirely too much gunfire. The rabbits are harmless, or close to it. Anyway, you'd think that I'd have heard something about them being ruthless kidnappers or killing machines. If they were that dangerous, people on this planet wouldn't tell as many cute stories about them or encourage children to cuddle them quite so much."
"Two words, Doctor," Jack says. "Teddy bear."
"Yes, well...that's an entirely different matter. And here we are!" the Doctor says, brandishing a thick, battered book with The Adventures of Pet'an'quot'inalinaphhhhh emblazoned in silver letters across the spine.
"We're using information from a children's book to figure out how to rescue my... to figure out how to rescue Ianto?" Jack sputters in disbelief.
"There's a glossary with factual information in the back," the Doctor scoffs. "I just...uh- I just never read it because the stories were a lot more interesting. To the children, I mean. As bedtime stories."
"Sure."
The Doctor clears his throat in embarrassment and cracks open the book. His eyes dart back and forth for several long, silent moments. When he lets out a sudden "Aha!", Jack startles.
"What?" Jack asks.
"'During the summer months, hilorptarin live in large family groups consisting of three adults and hundreds of adolescent offspring,'" the Doctor reads aloud. "'When threatened, adolescents have been known to utilize biokenetic teleportation as a means of escape. Usually, this teleportation has a very limited range, and is easily tracked by use of an Eoscan meter or comparable device to detect trace kenetic-carotine particles emitted in the initial teleportation.' Should be easy enough to do that..."
The Doctor plops the book down on a box overflowing with technologically advanced looking bits and bobs before pulling out his sonic screwdriver. He gives it a contemplative look before pressing a few tiny buttons seemingly at random. The end begins to blink blue at slow intervals.
"Alright, so we can track them," Jack says, "but that still doesn't explain why they targeted Ianto instead of us. Why take him with them in the first place?"
"That is odd, isn't it?" the Doctor says. "Hold on a second, let me see..."
He pockets the sonic screwdriver, picks up the book, and begins to rapidly scan the pages again, muttering under his breath. About twenty pages in, his eyes go wide and he looks up at Jack. His lips quirk at the corners and he opens and closes his mouth several times as if he can't quite manage to get the words out.
"...What?!" Jack finally asks.
The Doctor clears his throat around something that sounds suspiciously like a giggle.
"'Hilorptarin have a limited amount of empathic ability,'" the Doctor reads shakily. "'It has been hypothesized that this empathy is a measure to keep family groups solidified as a protection against predators. It has been noted that several definable feelings and attitudes have a tendency to attract hilorptarin. A person with a loving disposition is more than capable of taming these animals as pets. An attitude of confidence, amusement, compassion and/or kindness all have been evidenced as strong attracting forces. Inexplicably, research has shown that the attitude that most strongly attracts adolescent hilorptarin is... sarcasm.'"
Unbidden, a chuckle escapes from Jack's lips.
"Oh my God," Jack gasps out after both he and the Doctor fall into a fit of hysterical laughter. "Ianto's going to kill us."
___________________________________________________________________________
Ianto wonders idly why he'd ever thought, even for a second, that getting into a time machine with an immortal and an alien was anything but a terrible idea. It may have been the fact that his emotions had still been a little raw three months after the Earth had been stolen and summarily put back in place (even if you'd never think it to look at him; Ianto had silent stoic down to an art form). It may have been the fact that the Doctor had a certain way of bouncing on his toes that inspired absolute confidence in his assurance that it would be 'just a quick pop in and out,' and that he'd 'get you back before you even left.' It may have been the fact that Jack didn't have the ability to ignore the lure of adventure with a time lord, but he did have the audacity to insist that Ianto come along because he'd 'miss the coffee, otherwise,' and because it would be insurance that he'd 'definitely come back, and without a crushed Dalek on my living room floor and two stupidly self-sacrificing employees sweeping it up,' and because 'Hey, I've always wanted to do it in the time vortex.'
Sadly, the sorry state of finding himself weighted down and unable to move underneath a gaggle (herd, school, pride?) of alien rabbits exposes all the fanciful, optimistic, pro-time travel arguments as the tripe that they are. If Ianto ever gets out of here he's never going to leave Cardiff again (he'll chain himself to a bloody sheep if he has to), and he'll write a book about the follies of a poor, insignificant estate boy who thought it might be cool to hunt aliens, catch pterandons, wear a flash suit, and fall desperately in love with a stupid cock of a man from the 51st century. Just to remind himself.
The rabbits shift around until finally, Ianto's face is uncovered enough that he's able to breathe without getting a mouth full of fluff. Then he realizes that they're in a thicket of some sort, somewhere far away from where they'd been a mere five minutes ago, and that the Doctor and Jack are nowhere in sight. And he's still mostly covered in bunnies.
"Brilliant," Ianto says feelingly.
The pile of rabbits wiggles excitedly, a chorus of raucously cheerful meeps reaches a crescendo, and Ianto is smothered again as the rabbits snuggle closer.
_____________________________________________________________________________
About an hour later, Ianto's designation of the decision leading to the current situation as 'a very bad idea' gets reinforced and changed slightly to 'a very bad and obviously mental idea.' Jack and the Doctor storm into the thicket, eyes a bit crazed, Jack's hand gripping spasmodically around the air, clutching at a gun the Doctor no doubt refused to let him have. The Doctor is holding a rapidly flashing sonic screwdriver aloft, and in a stern, dramatic voice he orders, "Think rude thoughts!"
Ianto's reaction is to think thoughts that aren't particularly rude. They're really more blankly shocked and confused and along the lines of, "Dear God, it seems everyone has gone completely insane."
Strangely enough, the rabbits start to retreat to the point that Ianto can move his arms. Well, most of the rabbits start retreating. A few of the rabbits along the edges start to coo inquisitively and turn a disturbing shade of pink. Inexplicably, the Doctor whacks Jack on the back of the head with his free hand when he notices.
"Rude-angry, not rude-sexual," the Doctor says.
"You should have been more specific!" Jack complains, rubbing a hand over the hurt.
"I didn't think I would have to specify!"
Ianto thinks that the Doctor should have known that with Jack, you always have to specify when things are non-sexual, since as a default he assumes otherwise. The last of the rabbits clinging to Ianto's legs meep and start to creep back up toward his torso again. He struggles to push the rabbits off, but they're doing a pretty good job of keeping him prostrate and helpless. Honestly, if he thought he'd survived two Dalek invasions just to be killed by the intergalactic equivalent of Little Bunny Foo-foo, he would've jumped in front of an extermination beam when he had the chance.
"Ianto! Stop being so sarcastic!" the Doctor orders sharply when the rabbits continue to reverse their retreat.
"...What?" Ianto asks.
Absolute bafflement is enough to override any sarcastic leanings Ianto had. The rabbits let out a hissing chirp of complaint and disappear in a poof, leaving Ianto sprawled on his back, blinking at the empty air.
"Um... what?" Ianto repeats.
Jack jogs over. He helps Ianto to his feet before snogging him in full view of the Doctor, and Ianto can just feel the tips of his ears turning pink even as he returns the kiss. Jack grins when he finally pulls back. The Doctor is rocking on his heels and pretending to be absorbed in the local flora to give them the illusion of privacy. He pokes out one finger to jab repeatedly at a strangely-shaped leaf.
"Only you, Ianto Jones, would continue to think sarcastic thoughts in the face of possible death-by-rabbit," Jack says fondly.
Ianto's lips quirk up at the edges briefly.
"I'll take that as a compliment," he says. "In any case, would either one of you mind explaining what just happened?"
"Biokenetic teleportation," the Doctor says, whipping his head around from where he'd been staring into the foliage. "The rabbits use it as a defense mechanism; fascinating stuff, really. I can lend you the book when we get back to the TARDIS, though you ought to read the fun bits too instead of just the glossary, since the stories are actually quite interesting and a lot more relevant to you on a personal level now, and I ought to readjust this from detecting kenetic-caratine particles so it stops blinking." The Doctor abruptly turns his attention to his sonic screwdriver and begins fiddling distractedly with it. "Anyway, we used that to track you here, just a few minor adjustments, and as for the rest, all it takes is some rude thoughts and voila! Luckily, I'm good at being rude- just never thought it would come in handy quite like this." He gives them a smugly pleased smile.
"...Alright, I think I understood maybe a third of that," Ianto says.
"I'll explain it to you later," Jack says.
Ianto raises an eyebrow.
"Right, right, we should probably get back to the TARDIS," the Doctor says. "Don't want to accidentally catch their attention again. Besides, I wanted to show you two this nice little restaurant in the 70th century I think you'd appreciate. It's got these tall twisty pillars made out of titanium and not a rabbit in sight... except maybe in the occasional stew. Not that it's stew so much as 'stew,' if you know what I mean..."
And the Doctor's off again, leading them bouncily back toward the TARDIS.
"Remember to keep thinking rude thoughts, just in case!" Jack shouts before they lose him on a tangent completely.
"So, my inkling feeling that both of you have lost your minds hasn't been assuaged in the slightest," Ianto says conversationally to Jack. "If I didn't know you tend to make a habit of ridiculously barging to the rescue, I'd be more concerned."
There's a rustling in the bushes. Jack's eyes dart over to it in alarm.
"Right. Maybe we better step on it," Jack says. "I knew telling you to stop being sarcastic would be like telling you to stop breathing."
A meep sounds out from behind them.
Jack grabs Ianto's hand and starts running.
AN: ALSO ALSO! I have FAN ART for this fic over HERE! PLEASE TO BE CLICKING!
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Ten, little bit of Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
Warnings: Reference to the Stolen Earth and spoilers through season 2 of Torchwood, season 4 of Doctor Who (just to be safe)
Beta'd: By several friends in bits and pieces.
Summary: Once again, I fail at writing Revelations. This was a (belated) birthday gift for the wonderful pintsizeninja , who requested Jack, Ianto, Ten, shenanigans, and bunnies. Needless to say, it got a bit cracky. But I'm rather pleased with the result. What with my recent drawing of Crystal the Ironically Crystal Bunny, you'd think I was on a rabbit kick. *shrugs* Maybe I am.
Excerpt:
"There is absolutely no way I'm going to believe that that is a rabbit," Ianto states resolutely.
The Doctor makes a mock strangled and offended noise at Ianto's disbelief before he grins.
"Of course he's a rabbit!" he says. "Well, I suppose that technically he's a very distant alien cousin of lepus insularis thousands of years in the future with some prolonged exposure to irradiated carotene thrown in, but still," the Doctor flails his hands with finality, "he's 100 percent fluffy bun-bun by whatever measurement of rabbitness you should choose to give him."
"There is absolutely no way I'm going to believe that that is a rabbit," Ianto states resolutely.
The Doctor makes a mock strangled and offended noise at Ianto's disbelief before he grins.
"Of course he's a rabbit!" he says. "Well, I suppose that technically he's a very distant alien cousin of lepus insularis thousands of years in the future with some prolonged exposure to irradiated carotene thrown in, but still," the Doctor flails his hands with finality, "he's 100 percent fluffy bun-bun by whatever measurement of rabbitness you should choose to give him."
"That explanation of its evolutionary lineage makes absolutely no sense. It looks like a hairy land anemone," Ianto says. "With eyes."
"Yes, well, if you had 40 pairs of ears shaped like a jack rabbit's, you'd look like that too."
"What about my ears?" Jack asks as he approaches them.
"Jack rabbit. Contrary to what your ego may tell you, not everyone spends every moment you're away talking about you," Ianto says.
"Aw, c'mon. I'm an interesting topic of conversation. If you weren't talking about me, what were you talking about?"
"I was just pointing out a fine specimen of alien life we seem to have stumbled across while you were busy... being you," the Doctor says, shooting a disapproving glance in Jack's direction.
"I only stayed behind for five minutes! We were just talking!" Jack says. "I was being polite!"
"That's one way of putting it," Ianto mutters. Jack gives him a chagrined smile.
"So, what fine specimen of alien life have we stumbled across?" Jack asks.
"Rabbit," the Doctor says excitedly, pointing to what looks like an undulating fuzzy Koosh ball as it shyly creeps closer to them.
"I'm still not convinced," Ianto says.
"What do you want, a pedigree?" the Doctor asks, and the rabbit scoots a little closer. "Trust the Time Lord. It's a rabbit, and a very rare one at that. I've never seen one; every time I've ever come to Lyquoptriax, they've been extinct. Maybe not entirely extinct... I think there were a couple in zoos, but that doesn't really count. Once all of your natural habitat gets developed into, admittedly, impressively gigantic star-scraping shopping malls, it's just a matter of time. Makes me feel bad for pandas, really. But anyway, the children's books about this particular species are just adorable. The Tale of Peter Rabbit is an unimaginative knock-off next to the brilliance that is The Adventures of Pet'an'quot'inalinaphhhhh."
"Catchy title," Ianto says.
The alien rabbit makes a joyous, indescribable meeping noise and takes several hops closer.
"That thing's not dangerous, is it?" Jack asks.
"Of course not," the Doctor answers. "But this one does seem a bit brave, doesn't he?" The Doctor pulls out his glasses and puts them on as he crouches, squinting as the rabbit moves a bit closer. "Maybe he's never come across people before. Though that seems unlikely given that we're only 500 yards outside of town."
"Maybe he smells the food we just ate," Jack says.
"Maybe he's attracted to your hairspray," Ianto says.
The rabbit meeps happily again. The Doctor melts.
"You're a smart ickle man, aren't you?" the Doctor coos, gently presenting the back of his hand for the rabbit to sniff. "I bet you just want to make fwiends wiff the silly humans, don't you?"
Ianto quirks an eyebrow at Jack who coughs and shakes his head. The rabbit opens a disturbingly huge mouth, two tiny front buck teeth poking out, before it latches on to the Doctor's finger and starts to gum at it.
"Uh... are you sure it's a good idea to let it do that?" Jack asks.
"Somehow I get the feeling he's never let a bad idea put him off anyway," Ianto says with an eye roll.
The rabbit detaches itself from the Doctor and lets out a meep in Jack and Ianto's direction.
"It's fine," the Doctor says. "Just tickled a bit. This is brilliant!"
Some bushes off to the left begin to rustle, and five more alien rabbits come tumbling out, their many sets of ears waving excitedly.
"Okaaaay... Now I'm getting a little nervous," Jack says as the meeps coming from the rabbits become more numerous and pronounced.
The Doctor stands up.
"Nothing to worry about. We must've just stumbled onto a nest of them is all," he says brightly. Nevertheless, he begins to cautiously move backwards.
"The fact that I find myself in a situation where I'm violently fighting back the urge to quote Monty Python is wrong on so many levels. I don't think there are even words to describe it," Ianto says.
Dozens more rabbits begin to spill out of the bushes. The first rabbit snuggles up against Ianto's shins, looks up at him, and begins... God help him... batting its eyes adoringly.
"Doctor..." Jack says, voice strangled, caught between being amused and horrified.
"Alright, then," the Doctor says, clapping his hands together. "I think it's time we headed back to the TARDIS."
"You think?" Ianto says.
The rabbit snuggling against Ianto gives a blissed-out shudder, and before they can even start running, at least a hundred of the aliens launch themselves toward Ianto. Ianto lets out a shout that sounds something like, "AhhhghhPHHXPBBT!" as he becomes engulfed in a wiggling mountain of cheerily meeping rabbits.
"Ianto!" Jack yells, digging through the pile of bunnies and puffily tossing a few aside in an attempt to get to him. The rabbits he's jostling let out an angry squeaking sound.
Suddenly, with an anti-climactic, nearly silent poof, the rabbits are gone. Ianto's gone with them.
For a long moment, Jack and the Doctor stare at the empty space in disbelief.
"Huh," the Doctor says finally. "Biokenetic teleportation." His face lights up in excitement. "Oh! I wonder if that's where magicians got the idea of popping rabbits in and out of hats!"
Jack groans and slaps a hand over his face.
_______________________________________________
"It's in here somewhere!" the Doctor says two minutes later, rooting through a storage room off the main bridge of the TARDIS. "Haven't read it in centuries, you understand, so there's bound to be a bit of disorganization..."
"I swear, Doctor, if you don't hurry up, I'll get him back myself," Jack says, arms crossed and jaw angrily clenched.
"No, no, no, nononono," the Doctor chants as he pops his head out of the dusty corner he's searching in. "Your rescue technique involves entirely too much gunfire. The rabbits are harmless, or close to it. Anyway, you'd think that I'd have heard something about them being ruthless kidnappers or killing machines. If they were that dangerous, people on this planet wouldn't tell as many cute stories about them or encourage children to cuddle them quite so much."
"Two words, Doctor," Jack says. "Teddy bear."
"Yes, well...that's an entirely different matter. And here we are!" the Doctor says, brandishing a thick, battered book with The Adventures of Pet'an'quot'inalinaphhhhh emblazoned in silver letters across the spine.
"We're using information from a children's book to figure out how to rescue my... to figure out how to rescue Ianto?" Jack sputters in disbelief.
"There's a glossary with factual information in the back," the Doctor scoffs. "I just...uh- I just never read it because the stories were a lot more interesting. To the children, I mean. As bedtime stories."
"Sure."
The Doctor clears his throat in embarrassment and cracks open the book. His eyes dart back and forth for several long, silent moments. When he lets out a sudden "Aha!", Jack startles.
"What?" Jack asks.
"'During the summer months, hilorptarin live in large family groups consisting of three adults and hundreds of adolescent offspring,'" the Doctor reads aloud. "'When threatened, adolescents have been known to utilize biokenetic teleportation as a means of escape. Usually, this teleportation has a very limited range, and is easily tracked by use of an Eoscan meter or comparable device to detect trace kenetic-carotine particles emitted in the initial teleportation.' Should be easy enough to do that..."
The Doctor plops the book down on a box overflowing with technologically advanced looking bits and bobs before pulling out his sonic screwdriver. He gives it a contemplative look before pressing a few tiny buttons seemingly at random. The end begins to blink blue at slow intervals.
"Alright, so we can track them," Jack says, "but that still doesn't explain why they targeted Ianto instead of us. Why take him with them in the first place?"
"That is odd, isn't it?" the Doctor says. "Hold on a second, let me see..."
He pockets the sonic screwdriver, picks up the book, and begins to rapidly scan the pages again, muttering under his breath. About twenty pages in, his eyes go wide and he looks up at Jack. His lips quirk at the corners and he opens and closes his mouth several times as if he can't quite manage to get the words out.
"...What?!" Jack finally asks.
The Doctor clears his throat around something that sounds suspiciously like a giggle.
"'Hilorptarin have a limited amount of empathic ability,'" the Doctor reads shakily. "'It has been hypothesized that this empathy is a measure to keep family groups solidified as a protection against predators. It has been noted that several definable feelings and attitudes have a tendency to attract hilorptarin. A person with a loving disposition is more than capable of taming these animals as pets. An attitude of confidence, amusement, compassion and/or kindness all have been evidenced as strong attracting forces. Inexplicably, research has shown that the attitude that most strongly attracts adolescent hilorptarin is... sarcasm.'"
Unbidden, a chuckle escapes from Jack's lips.
"Oh my God," Jack gasps out after both he and the Doctor fall into a fit of hysterical laughter. "Ianto's going to kill us."
___________________________________________________________________________
Ianto wonders idly why he'd ever thought, even for a second, that getting into a time machine with an immortal and an alien was anything but a terrible idea. It may have been the fact that his emotions had still been a little raw three months after the Earth had been stolen and summarily put back in place (even if you'd never think it to look at him; Ianto had silent stoic down to an art form). It may have been the fact that the Doctor had a certain way of bouncing on his toes that inspired absolute confidence in his assurance that it would be 'just a quick pop in and out,' and that he'd 'get you back before you even left.' It may have been the fact that Jack didn't have the ability to ignore the lure of adventure with a time lord, but he did have the audacity to insist that Ianto come along because he'd 'miss the coffee, otherwise,' and because it would be insurance that he'd 'definitely come back, and without a crushed Dalek on my living room floor and two stupidly self-sacrificing employees sweeping it up,' and because 'Hey, I've always wanted to do it in the time vortex.'
Sadly, the sorry state of finding himself weighted down and unable to move underneath a gaggle (herd, school, pride?) of alien rabbits exposes all the fanciful, optimistic, pro-time travel arguments as the tripe that they are. If Ianto ever gets out of here he's never going to leave Cardiff again (he'll chain himself to a bloody sheep if he has to), and he'll write a book about the follies of a poor, insignificant estate boy who thought it might be cool to hunt aliens, catch pterandons, wear a flash suit, and fall desperately in love with a stupid cock of a man from the 51st century. Just to remind himself.
The rabbits shift around until finally, Ianto's face is uncovered enough that he's able to breathe without getting a mouth full of fluff. Then he realizes that they're in a thicket of some sort, somewhere far away from where they'd been a mere five minutes ago, and that the Doctor and Jack are nowhere in sight. And he's still mostly covered in bunnies.
"Brilliant," Ianto says feelingly.
The pile of rabbits wiggles excitedly, a chorus of raucously cheerful meeps reaches a crescendo, and Ianto is smothered again as the rabbits snuggle closer.
_____________________________________________________________________________
About an hour later, Ianto's designation of the decision leading to the current situation as 'a very bad idea' gets reinforced and changed slightly to 'a very bad and obviously mental idea.' Jack and the Doctor storm into the thicket, eyes a bit crazed, Jack's hand gripping spasmodically around the air, clutching at a gun the Doctor no doubt refused to let him have. The Doctor is holding a rapidly flashing sonic screwdriver aloft, and in a stern, dramatic voice he orders, "Think rude thoughts!"
Ianto's reaction is to think thoughts that aren't particularly rude. They're really more blankly shocked and confused and along the lines of, "Dear God, it seems everyone has gone completely insane."
Strangely enough, the rabbits start to retreat to the point that Ianto can move his arms. Well, most of the rabbits start retreating. A few of the rabbits along the edges start to coo inquisitively and turn a disturbing shade of pink. Inexplicably, the Doctor whacks Jack on the back of the head with his free hand when he notices.
"Rude-angry, not rude-sexual," the Doctor says.
"You should have been more specific!" Jack complains, rubbing a hand over the hurt.
"I didn't think I would have to specify!"
Ianto thinks that the Doctor should have known that with Jack, you always have to specify when things are non-sexual, since as a default he assumes otherwise. The last of the rabbits clinging to Ianto's legs meep and start to creep back up toward his torso again. He struggles to push the rabbits off, but they're doing a pretty good job of keeping him prostrate and helpless. Honestly, if he thought he'd survived two Dalek invasions just to be killed by the intergalactic equivalent of Little Bunny Foo-foo, he would've jumped in front of an extermination beam when he had the chance.
"Ianto! Stop being so sarcastic!" the Doctor orders sharply when the rabbits continue to reverse their retreat.
"...What?" Ianto asks.
Absolute bafflement is enough to override any sarcastic leanings Ianto had. The rabbits let out a hissing chirp of complaint and disappear in a poof, leaving Ianto sprawled on his back, blinking at the empty air.
"Um... what?" Ianto repeats.
Jack jogs over. He helps Ianto to his feet before snogging him in full view of the Doctor, and Ianto can just feel the tips of his ears turning pink even as he returns the kiss. Jack grins when he finally pulls back. The Doctor is rocking on his heels and pretending to be absorbed in the local flora to give them the illusion of privacy. He pokes out one finger to jab repeatedly at a strangely-shaped leaf.
"Only you, Ianto Jones, would continue to think sarcastic thoughts in the face of possible death-by-rabbit," Jack says fondly.
Ianto's lips quirk up at the edges briefly.
"I'll take that as a compliment," he says. "In any case, would either one of you mind explaining what just happened?"
"Biokenetic teleportation," the Doctor says, whipping his head around from where he'd been staring into the foliage. "The rabbits use it as a defense mechanism; fascinating stuff, really. I can lend you the book when we get back to the TARDIS, though you ought to read the fun bits too instead of just the glossary, since the stories are actually quite interesting and a lot more relevant to you on a personal level now, and I ought to readjust this from detecting kenetic-caratine particles so it stops blinking." The Doctor abruptly turns his attention to his sonic screwdriver and begins fiddling distractedly with it. "Anyway, we used that to track you here, just a few minor adjustments, and as for the rest, all it takes is some rude thoughts and voila! Luckily, I'm good at being rude- just never thought it would come in handy quite like this." He gives them a smugly pleased smile.
"...Alright, I think I understood maybe a third of that," Ianto says.
"I'll explain it to you later," Jack says.
Ianto raises an eyebrow.
"Right, right, we should probably get back to the TARDIS," the Doctor says. "Don't want to accidentally catch their attention again. Besides, I wanted to show you two this nice little restaurant in the 70th century I think you'd appreciate. It's got these tall twisty pillars made out of titanium and not a rabbit in sight... except maybe in the occasional stew. Not that it's stew so much as 'stew,' if you know what I mean..."
And the Doctor's off again, leading them bouncily back toward the TARDIS.
"Remember to keep thinking rude thoughts, just in case!" Jack shouts before they lose him on a tangent completely.
"So, my inkling feeling that both of you have lost your minds hasn't been assuaged in the slightest," Ianto says conversationally to Jack. "If I didn't know you tend to make a habit of ridiculously barging to the rescue, I'd be more concerned."
There's a rustling in the bushes. Jack's eyes dart over to it in alarm.
"Right. Maybe we better step on it," Jack says. "I knew telling you to stop being sarcastic would be like telling you to stop breathing."
A meep sounds out from behind them.
Jack grabs Ianto's hand and starts running.
AN: ALSO ALSO! I have FAN ART for this fic over HERE! PLEASE TO BE CLICKING!