Comments | bastlynn: Establishing a character in one scene: Thoughts welcome

bastlynn

Establishing a character in one scene: Thoughts welcome

Nov 19, 2009 00:42

Michael Westfields had a small problem. It wasn't that he had quit his dream job nearly two years ago. It wasn't the peeling paint or empty icebox in his two room apartment on the fourth floor. Or even the shared bathroom down the hall, or his landlord. Even the editor that could honestly be said to have it out for him wasn't really his problem at ( Read more... )

Comments 5

overclicked November 19 2009, 14:04:56 UTC

I like it :) You use everything around Michael to define Michael, without approaching him directly. It acts to slowly pan over to and zoom in on the character you're talking about, using the setting to subtly fill in the pieces between the lines of his recent history.

The only suggestion I might offer to make it even better would be to crank up the subtly even further: represent the landlord and the editor with objects rather than authoritative mention. A nasty rent reminder slipped under the door for the landlord, "yet another rejection latter" from his editor on the desk, or crumpled up in the trash, etc. :)

bastlynn November 19 2009, 14:07:50 UTC

No need to define the landlord muuuuch further. I've got him in the rest of the scene ( ... )

bastlynn November 19 2009, 14:08:02 UTC

"Well it's *your* window. And I've got to charge someone for it ( ... )

overclicked November 23 2009, 18:12:17 UTC

Okay, I like that the landlord has immediately introduced yet another element of Michael's tiny box-o-pain that is his world :) The evil Socratic reversals are a nice touch, it gives the impression that not only is he cheap, but he's willing to make an effort just to be an ass, and at the same time pin his tenant into the corner with his own responses ( ... )

kytica November 19 2009, 20:32:00 UTC

Michael Westfields has a small problem. (present tense) It isn't that he quit his dream job about two years ago. It isn't the peeling paint or empty icebox in his two room apartment on the fourth floor, although he wishes they weren't in that condition. (state that this is not the present problem) Or even the his land lord, the shared bathroom down the hall, and the faint decay and mold smell emanating from it every time the weather turned hot. (list the random inconveniences) Even the editor that could honestly be said to have it out for him wasn't really his problem at the moment. (proper present tense is good) No. Right now his problem was trying to get a ribbon wound in the right direction on his typewriter.