did realize why it's impossible

[bcegda]

for me to be angry at my dad

simply, because I am just way too much like him and I spend way too much energy trying NOT to be, trying to be a legit person and not making his asinine mistakes (because they suck for other ppl but also for him, too, honestly)

so I just have epic understanding of the struggle

i was going to ignore him because of the

Comments

[gottawonder]

While all of this is true, it is still perfectly okay for you to set some personal boundaries that would limit the damage inflicted on you by his mistakes.

[bcegda]

yes I think you are right

as an adult it's less relevant for sure but if there were a real-life consequence v. someone billion miles away that you have not seen in 12+ years save thru facebook then it owuld make sense

i think the thing to do here would be "It's not OK for you to bullshit me anymore" or something? I don't think I've ever had that convo with him before. That would be interesting...

[tailofkasahara]

It has taken me two and a half days to craft an appropriate response to your first post, and Gottawonder has just phrased it, above, succinctly.

[gottawonder]

It sounds like he just says he's going to visit, but never does? Does he actually set a date and then back out, or is it always vague like "hey kiddo, thinking it would be nice to see how you're doing" and never follows up? Is this mostly what he does when you say he's bullshitting you? If so, are there consequences, or does it just affect you emotionally that he does this?

[seasidebee]

You said: " I think in life you just have to take stock of other people and understand on what you can count on them for (and him in my life has counted and come through when it counted) and NOT count on them on what you know you can't and all other stuff is irrelevant."

I agree with Gottawonder and Tailofkasahara, clear, steadfast boundaries would be in your best interest. And his, actually. As someone whose own father rarely came through, when it counted or even when it didn't, I can empathize. But ultimately, people are who they are and the boundaries you set with people who can hurt you (in any way, even if they love you and vice versa) protect everyone; you, them, and others, by proxy. There is a difference between a boundary, and a barrier, however. That's a good thing to be mindful of as you navigate interpersonal relationships. I am partly reminding myself of that here. Boundaries can protect and foster negotiation and communication, while barriers insulate and isolate. Good luck. This can be hard stuff.

[bcegda]

it is true

the issues seems almost irrelevant though since we're talking about a person a zillion miles away whom I've not seen in 10+ years

i think my unwillingness to go further into debt to travel over there to visit since he can't be arsed for whatever reason (good or not) to come here in all that time is as good as it gets, boundary-wise

[seasidebee]

Relationships.

The great, the good, the bad, the indifferent, the challenging, the ugly.............etc etc etc.

Ah, Life. :)