I'm having such a craving for yogurt, but I can't. Not with the official weigh-in this weekend. Ugh. I'm supposed to be gaining my doctor says, but I can't. I'll get in trouble, but I can't stand to hear the number being high anymore. I can't do this.

If not for all the rage in the song, right now, Dresden Doll's "Jeep Song" would be perfectly indicative of my mood. The maddening obsession and sadness and hope of missing him. I do. I miss him so, so much and it feels so stupid because we never even had anything. Loving a phantom that never loved back. But I've done so much crying recently and ( Read more... )

    How did I end up like this? A teenager, almost an adult, and I still have imaginary friends, imaginary places in my head because I can't connect to anyone. I hate being fat and I hate being lonely all the time and I hate being hideous and dumb and being this stupid little girl that everyone says is a grown-up. I wish I were, I wish I weren't. I ( Read more... )

I feel idiotic. It's surreal to be here, to be walking around th halls of my school after I failed at trying to do it. Half my bottle of anti-depressants, and nothing even happened. I just got a little sick. Even though no one knows, I'm humiliated. And it's so fucking weird to be in school, to be going o rehearsals, to work, to keep smiling to ( Read more... )

I despise myself.

Does anyone know what number of calories you'd have to be consuming on average per day to end up with amenorrhea? I ask because I have a tough time counting  calories, but I haven't had my period in a few months. I read somewhere it was 600 but from my vague estimation, I've been eating at least 800 (yurk) a day, if  not more. I'm really confused ( Read more... )

Last night, when I came into my room, my mom was sitting on my bed and really, really pissed at me. She yells at me for waking her up at 3 in the morning, then proceeds to bitch at me and accuse me and interrogate me about everything until 4 in the morning. It was horrible. The whole time I just wanted to die. It was all about my eating habits and ( Read more... )

Pure Crap: Gross gross gross. My mom's been making me put some weight on- my parents have really been on back. Yesterday my dad yelled at me for cutting up my food "all weird" and not eating everything; my sister's been nagging me about how much I eat; and I just found out my doctor wants me to have another weigh-in on the day when I get my ( Read more... )

105/101 by Sunday
100/96 by June 1st

Just got back from the con- christ, I cannot believe how disconnected I'm getting to be. And the whole time I was there, all I could think about was what people thought of me, how fat I must look, how much I weighed (no scale for three days), where I could secretly exercise...I'm home now and I realise, I didn't even care about the con, I hardly ( Read more... )