Spin the Light to Gold (J2, NC-17) 5/6
Chris, it turns out, is an old friend of Jensen’s who’s been roadtripping all over the country all summer playing in a band, and he just happened to have a show nearby, so he’s driving out for the weekend. He was only about an hour out when he called Jensen, in the middle of no-man’s-land (seriously, since the livestock outnumber the people five to one), so it won’t be long before he shows up. Jensen’s totally psyched about it, more than Jared’s ever seen him before. Jensen gets excited about stuff, but usually it’s something like a story about a funny camper or chocolate raspberry cake for dinner, and it’s usually a lot more subdued. Right now Jensen’s practically bouncing with anticipation, running around his cabin getting stuff ready and telling Jared over and over again how awesome Chris is and how much fun they’re going to have, like he’s a ten-year-old going on a sleepover.
It’s kind of cute how excited he is about his friend, but after a while Jared can’t take anymore stories devoted to Chris’s awesomeness (especially since they all seem to involve drinking, and it’s pretty much universally accepted that stories about shit you do while drunk are only funny to the people that were there at the time), so he makes an excuse about talking to Chad and goes back to his cabin. But Chad’s in their cabin, and Jared doesn’t actually want to talk to him - lately Chad’s decided playing hard to get is the way to go with Sophia, so he’s making loud and detailed plans to seduce as many women as possible his first week of college - so he grabs his guitar and heads for the campfire pit for some peace and quiet.
Playing guitar is actually pretty relaxing, and after a few minutes of warming up and butchering a few songs, Jared starts to feel better. It always helps to keep his hands busy when his mind’s stuck on something.
But then a Frisbee lands next to the fire pit, and Tom jogs over from where he was tossing it with Mike and Allison. “Hey, Aaron, could you grab that?”
Jared’s already reaching for it when Tom’s slip hits him, and he freezes with his arm extended. “What?”
Tom gives him a blank look. “The Frisbee? Could you grab it?”
“No, I mean, you called me Aaron.”
“Oh, sorry, man,” Tom says, miming smacking his forehead. “Getting old, I guess. Same guitar, same boyfriend, and my mind just slipped for a second.”
Jared blinks. “Wait, what? Same guitar?”
Tom comes over and picks up the Frisbee himself. “Yeah. I recognize the strap - Aaron was a big Elvis fan. Jensen gave it to him for his birthday, I think.” He turns the Frisbee over in his hands. “Anyway. I should be getting back.”
“Yeah, see you,” Jared says, but Tom could have announced a trip to the moon for all that he’s paying attention. The guitar that Jensen gave him - the one Jensen just happened to have lying around at home - is actually his ex-boyfriend’s guitar. Ex-boyfriend who’s a big fan of Elvis. Jared had briefly wondered exactly why Jensen had a guitar with a picture of the King and “Elvis lives” on the strap, since he’s not exactly the sequined jumpsuit type, but he figured it was a joke or something. Turns out it’s just another thing Jensen neglected to mention.
Jared’s not sure what to think about that, but before he even gets a chance to mull it over, Sandy, Sophia, and Kristen stop by with armfuls of food and tell him they’re having dinner out at the clearing. They do that most every week anyway, but apparently this week it’s in honor of Chris’s visit, so they’re taking it more seriously.
Jared takes his time putting away the guitar, and by the time he finally wanders down to the clearing, the party’s already started. Jensen’s on one side of the clearing with Chris, both with beers in hand, and when he spots Jared, he waves him over enthusiastically.
“Hey, there you are. Jared, meet Chris. Chris, this is Jared.”
Chris isn’t really what Jared expected - from the stories of his epic awesomeness, he’d kind of expected someone, well…bigger. The cowboy boots are a little surprising, too. But then Chris shakes Jared’s hand roughly and says, “Jared, huh? You’re a little younger than the usual.” He turns to Jensen. “What’s next, kindergarteners?
Jensen just laughs. “Dude, shut up. He’s legal.”
“Barely,” Chris contends.
“I’m nineteen,” Jared points out, but it’s lost when Jensen’s phone rings. He digs it out of his pocket quickly, saying, “Gotta take this,” and walking off a few steps. Jared stares after him. “Who’d be calling on a Friday night?”
Because most of their family and friends know it’s hit-or-miss with the reception and have stopped trying to call first, and given the day and time, the answer obviously isn’t a grad school advisor or landlord. Chris looks well aware of that, which is what makes Jared realize that he was thinking aloud. Chris just grins, though, taking Jared’s arm and steers him closer to the fire. “Let him chat with whoever it is. In the meantime, you and I can talk a bit.”
“Okay,” Jared says cautiously. “About anything in particular?”
Chris shakes his head. “I hear you’re learning guitar.”
“Yeah, Jensen’s teaching me. I still suck, but it’s fun.”
Chris nods. “Well, I taught him everything he knows, so if you get any good, it’s thanks to me.”
“Yeah? I’ll keep that in mind.” Jared’s tone is a little drier than he intends, and Chris catches it. He just laughs, though.
“See, I already like you better than that guy from last year. He was like a limp noodle. Couldn’t even have a conversation with him.” He frowns. “What happened to what’s-his-face, anyway?”
“I don’t know,” Jared admits. “He’s not here this year.” Probably he should have asked Jensen about it a while ago, but it didn’t seem important then.
But Chris just shrugs. “I guess after Jensen broke his heart he didn’t want to come back.”
Jared hates himself a little for asking, but he can’t help it. “Jensen broke Aaron’s heart?”
“Aaron, that’s right.” Chris shrugs, taking a swallow of beer. “I wouldn’t be surprised. Jensen’s not the best at breakups.” He laughs. “Hell, there was this one girl he was fucking around with who never did understand they were done, kept calling him for months. He had to change his number just to get rid of her.”
Chris laughs again, but Jared’s not really finding it that hilarious. He doesn’t want to believe that Jensen would break someone’s heart and not care, or think it was funny when someone didn’t understand they were over. And then there’s the fact that this pretty much confirms what Mike said at the beginning of the summer, that Jensen finds someone new every year.
Jensen comes back after that, mysterious phone business taken care of, which ends up being both a good and bad thing. It’s good at first, because then Chris gets distracted and stops telling stories about Jensen’s exes, but it gets a lot less good when Jared realizes a couple things. For one, Jensen is different around Chris. It’s not a huge thing, he’s just a little louder, swears a little more, laughs longer. He and Chris obviously have a long history together, and after hanging out with them for an hour, Jared feels like he’s heard almost all of it and understood none of it, because they seem to communicate entirely in inside jokes. Sometimes Chris will say something totally random, just a sentence or phrase like “Jill’s green Jetta,” and then Jensen replies with, “God, those burritos were awful,” and that’s all it takes to crack them up.
Jared eventually ends up claiming a headache and going to bed early. He doesn’t want to be that annoying boyfriend who gets pissed if he’s not the center of Jensen’s attention at all times, but at the same time, he can only sit and listen to drunk stories for so long before he’s bored out of his mind. And he needs a little time to himself anyway, to think about what Tom and Chris said.
He stares at the ceiling in his cabin, listening to the breeze and the creak of trees and distant laughter, and goes over the facts again. Jensen was dating Aaron last summer and bought him a strap for his guitar. Then they broke up, harsh enough that Aaron didn’t want to come back, and Jensen ended up with the guitar. Which he gave Jared.
It’s not that bad, he decides. Giving someone your ex’s guitar is kind of tacky, but it’s not awful. Maybe Jensen just didn’t want it around anymore, wanted it to have a better association than a bad breakup.
It’s just bad luck that this revelation came right when Jared was wondering about his and Jensen’s future. Jared’s not Aaron, no matter what Tom accidentally says, and even if Jensen does suck at breakups, Jared figures he’d have a little more warning by now. Granted, Jensen has never exactly said how he feels about Jared, but this isn’t a soap opera, and they have better things to do with their little alone time than wax poetic about their feelings. Besides, the only person who really knows what went down with Aaron is Jensen, and as soon as Jared has the chance, he’ll ask him about it. Then he’ll know. It’ll be fine.
Jared repeats that to himself as he closes his eyes and waits for sleep to come, but he tosses and turns for a long time before he finally drifts off.
* * *
When Jared stumbles out of his cabin the next morning, still barely awake, he runs into Jensen coming back from the clearing, phone in hand.
“Hey,” Jensen says, falling into step with Jared as they head toward breakfast.
“Hey. You’ve been on the phone a lot lately,” Jared observes.
“Yeah. Lots of stuff to get organized before I go home.”
“Oh. So it’s school stuff?” Unfortunately, Jared’s suckitude at lying also applies to his ability to pry for information. Damn honesty.
“Yeah, and housing and other stuff,” Jensen says, and Jared can’t tell if he’s just not getting the hint or he’s being purposefully vague.
Either way, Jared’s not going to be able to do anything about it on an empty stomach, so he gives up until after he’s at least gotten some food and coffee.
But Jensen heads off for internet time as soon as he’s finished his breakfast, so that’s a bust. Jared tries subtly interrogating Sandy, but she’s way too good for him and sees right through it, which leads to a lot of questions on why Jared’s worried, which he doesn’t really want to answer at this point. He could probably ask Sandy about Aaron, but then he’d be that boyfriend who gets all insecure about exes, and Sandy’s bound to figure out why he’s asking. Jared doesn’t think he could handle it if she agreed about the weird similarities or acted sympathetic.
He goes for a run along the dirt road leading to the camp, hoping that some physical exercise will help him work off this mood. When he gets back he’s sweaty and exhausted, but he does feel a little better. That is, until he’s passing the waterfront and sees Jensen and Chris out in a pair of kayaks, whooping and charging each other, each paddling furiously to try to ram the other. It’s kind of hilarious, in an eight-year-old sort of way, and Jared starts over, thinking he might say hi and take a dip to cool off.
But Jensen calls a time out then, and he and Chris let their kayaks drift closer as they rest. Chris picks up the end of what must have been a previous conversation. “So Shaun called you back?”
They must have forgotten how well sound travels over water, because their conversation is clearly audible from shore. Jared leans up against a tree, partially hidden from their view, and listens.
“Yeah,” Jensen replies. “I’ve been trying to get ahold of him all week, and he finally called last night.”
Chris splashes a little with his paddle. “So things are all worked out between you guys?”
“Yeah. My offer was too good for him to resist.”
Chris laughs, swooping a hand through the water. “As usual.”
Jensen flicks water at him. “Shut up. Anyway, I’m meeting him as soon as I get home.”
“That eager, huh?”
“God, yes,” Jensen says. “After this whole summer, I can’t wait for something better.”
Chris says something in reply, but it’s lost when he skims his paddle over the water and sends a wave splashing over the side of Jensen’s kayak. Jensen retaliates, and then they’re back to paddling and trying to ram each other.
Jared walks slowly back to his cabin and tries to decide if he wants to break something or throw up. He really wants to do both, but he ends up sitting on his bed with his head in his hands trying to figure out how this whole thing went south so fast.
Because he could probably come up for a logical explanation for what Jensen just said, if he tried hard enough. He could think of some way to spin it that doesn’t involve Jensen being excited about hooking up with another guy as soon as he dumps Jared and gets home. But even if Jared did that - and made himself believe it - this is just another thing on his long list of weird stuff going on with Jensen lately, and it’s one too many. First the Aaron thing, then the shit Chris said, Jensen’s refusal to talk about their future, his mood swings lately, then this? It’s too much of a coincidence.
What surprises Jared, though, is just how much it hurts to think that Jensen can’t wait to be done with him. He’s angry about it - really angry, at the shitty way Jensen’s treating him - but he’s more angry at himself for being so oblivious and naïve. He was spending all kinds of time planning out a future where he and Jensen were going to see each other every weekend and spend breaks together at Jensen’s apartment and maybe find a way to live together over the summer, and Jensen was laughing at him behind his back and counting down the days till he could leave him behind. God, it’s so embarrassing. Here he was wandering around with his heart on his sleeve (and on a t-shirt, Jesus) and Jensen was already thinking about someone else.
And then he thinks about sex. Jensen’s the first person he’s ever slept with, and he thought that meant something, but now he can only think about the way Jensen didn’t want to fuck him. Because no matter how many times Jared brought it up, Jensen managed to distract him with his mouth or hands until Jared forgot. At first Jared thought it was because Jensen didn’t like doing it that way, but now he sees it in a whole other light. Jensen probably just didn’t want to get too attached. He’d already done it before, so it wasn’t a big deal, but taking the last vestiges of Jared’s virginity would have been too much.
Jared’s not sure how you’re supposed to feel in this kind of situation, but he feels like someone’s standing on his chest, slowly crushing it flat. He was going to come out to his family for Jensen. He’d planned it out and everything, down to exactly what he was going to say. If Jensen knew that, he’d probably think it was hilarious, Jared taking a summer fling this ridiculously far. God, he’s been so stupid. How could he not figure out that he’s exactly the same as Aaron? Summer entertainment, left behind with camp. Next summer Jensen’ll be giving someone else the same guitar.
He’s standing in the middle of his cabin, hands in fists at his side, trying to decide whether he should break the guitar or burn it, when Chad comes in. “Hey, man, Chris just left and Jensen’s looking for - “ He stops dead, letting the screen door slam shut. “You okay?”
Jared shakes his head.
“What happened?” Chad pushes Jared to sit, dropping down on his own bed across from him. “Your family - no one - “
“No, they’re fine.”
“Then what?” Chad sighs. “Come on, help me out here.”
It’s a sign of just how worried Chad is that he’s actually trying to be helpful (and have a conversation about feelings), but Jared doesn’t even know where to start. He feels sick to his stomach and he’s pretty sure if he opens his mouth, melodramatic crap is all that’s going to come out.
Chad makes a face like he’s tasted something sour. “It’s, uh. It’s not Jensen, is it?”
Jared still doesn’t answer, but something in his face must give him away, because Chad says, “Goddamn it, I’m going to kick his ass,” and stands up.
It takes Jared a moment to overcome his shock, but then he’s grabbing Chad’s arm and saying, “No, don’t be stupid. Don’t.”
“What?” Chad demands. “Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work? If you were my sister and someone broke your heart, I’d beat him up.”
Jared’s a little disturbed that Chad equates doing men to being a girl (but touched that Chad considers him family, wrong gender notwithstanding), but he shakes his head, getting to his feet. “You don’t need to.”
“Because you’re going to do it yourself?”
“I’m not going to beat him up,” Jared says, pulling the guitar case out from under his bed. “But I’m sure as hell going to give him a piece of my mind.” Burned and/or broken would have been more dramatic, since he could dump the pieces or ashes or whatever at Jensen’s feet, but this is quicker.
“Okay,” Chad says uneasily. “Well. Call for backup or whatever if you need it.”
Jared nods. He’s pretty sure Chad wouldn’t be much help in this situation, but it’s comforting anyway. He supposes the rational thing to do here would be to wait until he’s feeling a little more calm about the whole thing, so he can plan exactly what he’s going to say and how to do this, but to be honest, he’s not sure when the hell that will be. Besides, spontaneity is one of his strong suits, and the anger and hurt tangling in his stomach are a better motivation than any planned speech.
When Jared finds Jensen, he’s walking back from the showers in shorts and flip flops, toweling off his hair. He brightens when he sees Jared coming, and Jared doesn’t even care that out in the open in the middle of the camp is a totally inappropriate place to do this, just shoves the guitar at him.
Jensen’s hands still on the towel, but he doesn’t reach out to take it. “Jared, what - “
“Take it,” Jared says. “I don’t need it anymore.”
“What? Why?” Jensen asks. “Jared, I gave it to you. It’s yours.”
Jared snorts. “Yeah, like it was Aaron’s.” He pushes it into Jensen’s chest, hard enough to send Jensen back a step. “Is this how you do it every year? String someone along till the last minute, then cut them loose?”
Jensen’s eyes are wide, hands frozen in the middle of taking the guitar. “Jared, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Aaron!”
“Aaron? What does he have to do with anything?”
“You two were dating last summer, right?”
“Yeah,” Jensen admits cautiously.
“Until you broke up with him. Or, well, until you broke his heart bad enough that he couldn’t face coming back here this summer. That what you’re planning to do with me, too?”
Jensen stares like Jared’s suddenly started speaking Swahili. “Jared, where did you hear this?”
“Why does it matter?”
“Because it’s not true.” He shakes his head. “I mean, yeah, Aaron and I broke up. But I didn’t break his heart. We weren’t ever even that serious. And the reason he didn’t come back is because his family moved to Alaska.”
“So what was he, then? Just something to keep you busy over the summer?”
“He was my friend,” Jensen corrects. “And…more, yeah. But not just - “
“And what am I?” Jared interrupts. “What is this? What am I to you?”
Jensen blinks, faltering. “I - I don’t - this is - “
“What? What are we doing here?” Jared demands.
“I don’t know!” Jensen yells. “I don’t know, okay? I’m not - I haven’t done something like this before.”
“Really?” Jared asks. “Because this looks a lot like a repeat of Aaron from where I’m standing.”
A muscle twitches where Jensen’s clenching his jaw. “Look, I don’t know who you’ve been talking to, but you don’t know a single thing about me and Aaron.”
“Oh, yeah? ‘Cause I bet I know a lot about it. I bet I know exactly how he felt when you told him you were done, when he realized you were just bored and horny. How embarrassing it was to know you couldn’t wait to move on. And how stupid he felt for planning out a future with you or telling his parents or thinking you might love him back.”
Jensen stares at him for a long moment before shaking his head. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Right, like you have no idea.”
“I don’t,” Jensen says sharply. “I don’t have any idea what the hell it is I did to piss you off this much!”
Jared laughs. “You don’t think the way you treated me is reason enough for me to be angry?”
“I didn’t do anything to you! You’re acting like I’ve been jerking you around this whole time, but I’ve been going out of my way to - I don’t even know what I’m doing, but I - “ He makes a frustrated noise. “This isn’t exactly easy for me, but I’m trying, and you - “
“Not easy?” Jared interrupts. “Oh, yeah, I’m sure this is real hard for you. It must be so difficult to act like a complete asshole.”
Jensen pauses mid-word, face completely shutting down. “You know what? Fuck you. If you’re not even going to listen, then just. Fuck you.”
Jared can’t suppress a bitter laugh at that. “Sorry, you passed. Remember? Probably didn’t want to get too close. Didn’t want me falling for you.”
For a second, Jared’s certain that Jensen’s going to hit him. His entire body tenses, fist clenching at his side, and he leans into Jared’s space, like he’s going to get right up in his face.
But then he takes a deep breath and shakes his head, bitter smile twisting his face. “Whatever,” is all he says, and then he’s turning around and walking away, long angry strides along the dirt path, tension obvious in his bare back and the rigid way he’s holding the guitar.
Jared watches him go. He thought he’d feel something like vicious pride after this, some kind of satisfaction or gratification at making himself heard, but as his pulse slows and the anger drains away, all he feels is hollow.
* * *
He doesn’t talk to Jensen for three days. It’s not easy to avoid each other in such a small environment - Jared can’t exactly pretend Jensen doesn’t exist when he sees him about a hundred times a day - but when they’re both busy with campers and activities, they can at least find excuses not to talk. The other counselors know something’s up right away, and Jared gets ambushed by Sandy, Sophia, and Kristen after dinner and pelted with questions. He refuses to tell them anything - he’s not exactly going to go around admitting how incredibly stupid he’s been, even if it gets him sympathy - and it’s only Chad coming along and telling them to lay off that ends the interrogation.
Chad’s actually being unusually considerate around Jared (probably because he’s well-versed in rejection), and it’s kind of hilarious how that’s what tips the girls off to the fact that things are dire, that Chad’s acting like an actual human being.
The girls stop asking him so many questions after that, but the atmosphere around camp is still pretty tense. No one’s taking sides, per se, but there’s a definite distance between the people each of them hang out with. It’s not unfriendly, but it’s awkward, and if Jared wasn’t still angry and embarrassed and hurt, he’d probably feel bad for creating a difficult situation.
But as it is, he’s not really sorry. He thought giving Jensen a piece of his mind would make him feel better, but even tearing into Jensen like that wasn’t satisfying. Yelling was helpful, but Jared feels kind of stupid for spilling his guts like that, for admitting just how upset he is, and God, he’s so tired of Jensen making him feel stupid. And that makes him angry, and then he’s right back where he started, pissed and confused.
But he’s sure as hell not going to talk to Jensen again. Jensen’s the one who’s wrong, even if Jared was naïve enough to fall for his crap, and if they have to be miserable for the last week of camp, then that’s not his fault. It sucks that this is how he’s going to remember this summer, but there’s no way out of it. Jared can’t leave without Chad, and the two of them can’t leave when they’ve got a cabin full of campers. He just has to get through this one week, and then he can forget he ever met Jensen.
But then he’s sitting on the side of the soccer field one morning with Sandy, watching Mike and Tom referee an insane attempt at all-camp hat tag, and Sandy smacks him. Well, all right, Jared’s watching the game. Sandy’s watching the groundskeeping kid mow the adjoining field, admiring the way his jailbait muscles are gleaming in the sun and composing odes to their forbidden love, or something.
“Ow,” Jared says, rubbing his arm. “What was that for?”
“You’re not saying anything,” Sandy says.
“I didn’t know I was supposed to.”
“Of course you’re supposed to,” Sandy says, rolling her eyes. “Do you think I tell you about wanting to lick that kid so you’ll silently agree? You’re supposed to call me a dirty old lady and tell me to stop perving on him and do that stupid jailbait cough when he’s in earshot.”
“Sorry.”
Sandy sighs. “Jared, what’s going on? You’ve been cranky and depressed for days, and everyone knows it has to do with Jensen. Just tell me what happened.”
Jared pulls up a blade of grass, folding it in tiny accordion pleats. He doesn’t want to explain the whole thing, but he’s sick of hiding it, too. So he flicks the grass away and goes for honesty. “Nothing.”
“Jared - “
“No, that’s what it is,” Jared tells her. “Nothing’s going on with me and Jensen or between me and Jensen, and nothing happened. Because apparently, that’s what this whole summer has been - nothing.”
“What? That’s not true,” Sandy argues. “Who told you that?”
Jared laughs a little. “No one had to tell me. It was obvious.” He leans back on his hands. “But Jensen made it pretty clear when he couldn’t tell me what we’re doing or what we are or what I am to him. The answer to all three is nothing.”
“Maybe he didn’t know how to explain it,” Sandy suggests.
When Jared just shakes his head, she sighs again. “So, what? You guys broke up?”
“I guess.”
“And that’s it? You’re not even going to talk to him?”
Jared watches a camper take a brutal tackle (expressly forbidden by game rules, but hard to avoid on a field full of kids running amok) and Mike blow his whistle at the kid. “What’s the point? It’s not like this can magically be fixed. The damage is done, and it’d be stupid to make it worse.
“That sounds a lot like giving up to me,” Sandy observes.
Jared sighs and sits up. “Look, it was just a summer fling. That’s all I am to him. It was stupid to think it was anything else, and I was an idiot to think that he might - “ He cuts himself off, but Sandy latches on to his half-completed thought.
“To think that he might what?”
“Nothing.”
But she sees right through him, and her face drops. “Oh, Jared.”
He combs his fingers through the grass. “Yeah.”
She slides her sunglasses up on top of her head. “Well, does he know that you feel that way? I mean, maybe if you - “
“I really don’t want to talk about it,” Jared cuts in. “No offense, but I just want to get through this week and go home.”
Sandy sighs, but she slips her shades down again without saying anything, and they spend the rest of the morning watching the kids (and the lawnmower kid) in silence.
* * *
It’s the silence that should have tipped Jared off. He’s spent all summer with the girls, and when they want to say something, it’s pretty difficult to stop them. Sophia’s never held back when it comes to Chad, and Kristen asks Jared point blank about his sex life over breakfast. When Sandy agreed to let things go so easily, Jared should have known something was up.
But he’s been pretty distracted, so he can’t really be blamed for missing the obvious and being a little surprised when he ends up locked in a shed.
It starts out innocently enough - Sandy finds him early on Saturday morning and says she needs help getting a volleyball net set up. And Jared, nice guy that he is, doesn’t even question why she’d be doing that on a day when they don’t even have campers and agrees to help. Unfortunately, Sandy takes advantage of the walk to give him an earful on the whole thing with Jensen, and when Jared interrupts to tell her for the millionth time that the situation is hopeless, she gets pissed.
“Okay, no,” Sandy says, stopping in the middle of the path and jabbing Jared with her finger. “You couldn’t even figure out that Jensen liked you without my help, so you don’t get to argue when I’m giving you advice. Just listen.”
She’s like half his size, so he shouldn’t be so taken aback, but Jared falters a little in the face of her anger, and that’s his downfall. He completely misses Mike and Tom sneaking up on him until they’ve already got his arms pinned, and even when he struggles, they drag him off easily enough. Allison’s guarding the door to the equipment shed, and when they get Jared close enough, she throws the door open. Jared gets tossed in as Kristen and Sophia rush out, and he barely has time for a quick glance at the badminton rackets and baseball bats lined up on the wall before the door slams shut and it’s dark. He pounds on the ancient wood, but someone’s leaning on the door, and it won’t budge.
“Just talk to each other!” Sandy yells. “We’re not going to let you out until you stop being so stupid and listen to each other.”
“What the fuck?” Jared shouts back. “You can’t just lock me in a shed! What the hell is wrong with you?” He pounds harder on the door, and someone grunts and says, “Dude, chill out.”
Jared would know that voice anywhere. “Chad? You sold me out, you fucker!”
“Sophia promised me a civil conversation if I helped,” Chad says, voice muffled by the door. “Just kiss and make up already, and we’ll all have what we want.”
That’s when it sinks in, Sandy telling two people to talk and Chad mentioning kissing and the fact that one counselor was suspiciously absent outside.
When he turns around, his eyes have adjusted enough to take in the contents of the cramped shed, and he’s not exactly surprised when that turns out to be a) a lot of sports equipment, b) a lot of cobwebs and dust, and c) one Jensen Ackles. “Uh, hi,” Jensen says from where he’s handcuffed to a shelf by his wrist, making a feeble half-wave with his shackled hand.
“Oh, great,” Jared mutters.
* * *
Fifteen minutes later, things haven’t improved much. The other counselors are gone - apparently they found something heavy enough to block the door - and Jared’s slumped against the wall, hoping he’s not going to end up with a sliver in his ass or a spider down his shirt. Considering how old the shed is and the rustling sounds he keeps hearing, both are equally possible.
Jensen’s been pulling half-heartedly at his wrist, jingling the chain between the cuffs and sliding it up and down over the shelf. Jared watches out of the corner of his eye as Jensen tries to narrow his hand and slide it out, but Jensen grimaces and gives up after a minute, rubbing his wrist. “Seriously, who the hell brings handcuffs to summer camp?” he gurmbles.
Jared wasn’t really planning on saying anything to Jensen, but he figures that since Jensen already broke the silence, there’s no harm in a simple question. “Whose are they?”
“Sophia's.”
That’s a little unexpected. Jared’s money was on Mike.
“And they’re not the furry false catch kind, either,” Jensen says. “They’re the real deal. Your friend must be into some kinky shit.”
Jared makes a face. “If she is, I don’t want to know. Maybe she was expecting to make a civilian’s arrest or something.”
“I was talking about Chad, actually.”
“Oh, God,” Jared says, shuddering. “You did not just say that. I did not hear you say that.”
Jensen arches a brow. “Denial, much?”
“If you’d survived puberty with Chad, you’d understand,” Jared tells him. “After that thing with our geometry teacher in ninth grade, it was either pretend Chad is entirely sexless or have my memory wiped. As far as I’m concerned, the only thing he does with women in private is shake their hands.”
Jensen’s smirking. “Okay, then. I’m just saying, Chad’s apparently the type who enjoys a little variety in his hand-shaking.” He jingles the cuff again.
“Oh, shut up,” Jared says.
They fall into silence again. Jared tries to remind himself that he’s not supposed to be joking around with Jensen, but it’s hard. No matter how mad he is, there’s a warm little corner of his mind that associates Jensen with good things, and before he knows it, Jared’s melting.
Jensen seems to know it, because he doesn’t wait for the silence to get awkward again before he says, “Hey, so. As long as we’re stuck in here anyway, I wanted to ask you something.”
“Yeah?”
Jensen leans back against the wall. “What you were saying the other day, about Aaron and knowing how he felt…did you mean that? I mean, the stuff about future plans and, uh. Love.”
So he’s definitely not pulling any punches, then, going right for a sore spot. Jared considers lying, but then there’s the part where he sucks at it and it’s not really worth it anyway. He shrugs. “What do you think?”
Jensen sighs. “I think this is all messed up.” He hooks a stack of boxes with his foot, shifting them close enough to sit on. “I don’t even - I don’t understand. Can you just tell me what happened? Why you’re so angry?”
It’s a lot harder to just say it, quiet and close like this, than it was to yell it a few days ago. “It’s just - I got the wrong idea,” Jared says. “I thought this was something more than it was. And then Chris showed up and told me how much you suck at breaking up with people, and you wouldn’t talk about anything past next week, and I heard you making plans to meet up with someone else as soon as you got home, and I was just…” He shrugs again. “It sucked to find out that you don’t feel the same at all.”
“But that’s not - goddammit.” Jensen runs a hand through his hair. “Okay, yeah, so Chris is right. I don’t have the best track record with relationships. And Aaron and I were just messing around over the summer. But I wasn’t lying about Alaska - he knew he was leaving, and he didn’t want anything serious, either. I didn’t break his heart.” He spreads his hands helplessly. “And I was trying really hard not to do that to you.”
Jared laughs, but it comes out sounding pained. “Yeah, good job.”
“No, that’s not what I mean,” Jensen says quickly. “I’m just saying, yeah, I’ve done that before. I’ve treated people badly and hurt them because I wasn’t willing to be serious. Because, yeah. It’s easier like that. It’s easier to keep things short and sweet and make no promises. Because if you keep going, if you commit to it, then it gets real.” He waves a hand. “This is camp. What we do here isn’t going to matter very much. But out there, that’s - it’s friends, parents, arguments, apartments. It’s real.”
“I know,” Jared says quietly. “I was going to tell my parents. About me. About us.”
“And that scares the hell out of me,” Jensen admits. “To take this outside of this little bubble and try to make it work, with the distance and our separate schools and families and friends all the complications. And it didn’t seem right to send you off to college with a boyfriend that’s four years older and halfway across the state, and all the long-distance relationships I’ve ever seen sucked. I had a million reasons lined up not to do this.”
“Well, congratulations,” Jared tells him. Boy, he’s glad they had the opportunity to have this talk. Apparently Jensen didn’t think he did a good enough job stomping on Jared’s heart before.
“No,” Jensen says. “I’m trying to - it’s - “ He makes a frustrated noise. “Three hours and thirty-two minutes.”
“What?”
“Probably four and a half with traffic,” Jensen goes on. “Three if I speed. If I left my apartment at 3 on a Friday, I could be there by 6:30.”
“Be where?” Jared asks, bewildered.
“At your dorm,” Jensen says. “I looked it up on Mapquest.”
Jared opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.
“And I looked up your breaks, too,” Jensen continues. “On your school’s website. You have a week more at Christmas, but I get a day earlier at Thanksgiving. I don’t have a fall break, but if you came up on that weekend, I could probably skip Friday and we’d have three days.” He laughs. “I bought a fucking truck, Jared.”
Before Jared can even ask, he explains. “That’s who I was planning to meet up with at home, a guy I know from high school. He’s selling me his truck.”
“But you already have a truck,” Jared points out, still confused.
“Yeah, I know.” Jensen nudges a volleyball with his toe, rolling it across the floor. “But I figured I’d need something a lot more reliable if I was going to be driving down to Austin all the time.”
Oh. That’s - oh. It’s hard to be angry at Jensen when he says things like that, things that make Jared’s stomach do that little flip.
And then Jensen says, “And as for the sex thing - God. It’s your first time, Jared. I just thought it should be in a real bed that’s big enough for both of us, in a room with doors that lock. I wanted us to be able to take our time and do it right,” and a warmth suffuses Jared’s chest that makes it completely impossible to be angry anymore.
He’s still frustrated and a little tender, but more than anything, what he wants right now is just to be close to Jensen.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Jensen says, voice raw. “I don’t even know if this is a good idea.”
“It is,” Jared tells him, getting to his feet and crossing the tiny room to stand right in front of him. “We can try. Right? We can do this.”
Jensen takes a deep breath, eyes firm on Jared’s, then nods. “Yeah,” he whispers. “We can.”
And that’s all Jared needs to hear. He pulls Jensen up to his feet, kicking the boxes out of the way, and pushes him back against the wall before kissing him. Jensen responds immediately, tilting up and pulling Jared into him, but he makes a frustrated noise when his cuffed hand only makes it a few inches. Jared reaches out and catches it with his own hand, curling their fingers together.
Jensen tries to pull back after a minute and say something, but when Jared realizes it’s an apology, he shushes Jensen with a finger against his lips and leans in again, covering Jensen’s mouth with his own. He doesn’t need to hear it. They’re going to need to talk more about this later, and then they can both say they’re sorry about this whole mess. Until then, Jared would rather show how penitent they are in a much more pleasant way.
Unfortunately, that’s the exact moment Chad chooses to come back and open the door. “Are you still alive?” he calls, poking his head in. “’Cause Sophia’s going to kill me if you - oh. Uh.”
“Chad,” Jared says, ignoring the way he’s pressed up against Jensen, “Can you do me a favor?”
“Yeah, sure,” Chad says, looking down at his feet and around at the equipment and basically anywhere that isn’t two guys who’ve clearly been making out and giving each other a friendly grope.
“Go get the key to the handcuffs,” Jared directs. “And then leave us alone.”
“Got it.” Chad does manage to look at them for a second before he leaves, but it’s just to send Jared a little thumbs-up.
Jared appreciates it, and he’ll tell Chad that sometime (preferably when Chad’s not capable of leaving, so Chad has to squirm through an awkward conversation about feelings), but right now he’s really more interested in appreciating the gorgeous boyfriend he’s got in front of him.
“So, uh,” Jensen says, before Jared can go back to the making out and groping. “So we’re really going to do this.”
Jared squeezes Jensen’s shackled hand. “Yep.”
“You don’t mind starting college attached to a boyfriend you can’t see all that often.”
Jared grins. “As long as you don’t mind starting grad school with a boyfriend four years younger than you.”
Jensen shrugs. “Youth has its advantages.”
He pulls Jared down until their foreheads press together, and they stand together for a second, just breathing. Then Jensen tips his chin up for a kiss, and Jared says, “And as soon as Chad gets back with that key, I say we explore them.”
“Mm, sounds like a plan.”
* * *
It’s amazing how much better Jared feels after that. His whole summer was starting to look like one giant bad idea, but now that he knows how Jensen feels and they’re going to keep doing this, he’s able to relax and really enjoy the final week. It’s a fun bunch of kids, an older group that’s having their last week of freedom before heading back to school, and Jared lets go and does the same, not caring about anything else.
The week’s over before he can blink, flown by at warp speed, and Jared can’t believe it when he’s sitting through his last-ever Friday morning breakfast and herding his last group of campers to their last assembly of the summer. Helping the kids pack for their parents is a different experience when Jared’s going to be doing the same thing in a matter of hours, and when they leave, he sticks around longer than he usually does, waving at them through the back windows of their parents’ cars.
Coming back to an empty cabin, which is normally his favorite part of the weekend, is suddenly depressing. Jared thought the cabin was ancient and decrepit the first time he saw it, but now, looking at it after a summer living under its roof, he can’t help but see just how full of memories it is. Every bit of graffiti on the ceiling marks a kid miles away from home, every scuffmark and dent in the wall signifies an excited camper, and the old, creaky screen doors keep the gorgeous summer weather close. Jared takes a Sharpie and writes his own message above his bed for future counselors, just a note that he lived, laughed, and loved here.
Chad, predictably, steals the Sharpie and writes a dirty ode to Beavers over his bed. When he gets to listing all the ways he likes his beaver, Jared goes back to packing and leaves him to it.
Candace calls a special meeting after dinner, which is mostly an excuse for them all to sit around the campfire pit and have one last night to reminisce about everything that happened. They trade stories about their best and worst and most hilarious campers, along with cautionary tales about various issues, and Jared’s surprised to find that he doesn’t mind being candid around Candace. She’s actually grown on him over the summer, mood swings and all, and as she sits around the fire with them, laughing at their adventures in molding the youth of tomorrow, she seems more like an older cousin than a boss. A weird one, but still.
And then she reminds them all that there’s a final prize that needs to be awarded, and Jared’s shocked to realize that she means the Golden Broom. He’d totally forgotten that someone got that at the end of the summer. He and Jensen had kind of given up on their broom rivalry after they first got together (there wasn’t much else to win after that, not unless they were going to start playing for sexual favors, and they weren’t exactly lacking enthusiasm in that department), so Jared’s totally clueless as to who’s going to win. When Candace announces the numbers actually added up to a tie and calls out his name - along with Jensen’s - Jared can’t stop a giant grin from spreading across his face.
Jensen pretends to be ticked off about giving up a perfect four-year winning streak, but when Jared slings an arm around his shoulders for the picture, he relaxes back against him with a contented smile. Jared leaves his arm there when they sit down again, and Candace nearly gives him a heart attack when she remarks that they definitely win the cutest couple award. Jared had no idea Candace even knew interpersonal relationships existed, much less ones featuring two of her male counselors. She must have been talking to Sandy and Sophia.
By the time they head back to their cabins they’re all exhausted, but Jensen takes Jared’s hand before he can make the turn for his own cabin and pulls him toward the soccer field instead. It’s full dark, but there’s enough light from the moon to find their way across the grass to a goalpost. Jensen pulls Jared down onto the grass next to him, and they stare up at the stars for almost an hour, picking out constellations they’ll never see when they’re back in cities.
It’s funny, the way Jared hated camp so much when he saw it - he thought it was tiny and dirty and dumpy, too small and dull to contain his grand summer plans. But lying on the grass, hearing the whisper of the breeze in the trees and the faint lap of the lake against the shore, looking at stars unbelievably bright in an inky sky, warm along the side where Jensen’s pressed up against him, he can’t believe how beautiful this place is. It may not be the sprawling utopia he imagined, but it’s big enough to hold his entire world right now.
Jensen rolls over and rests his head on Jared’s shoulder. “Going to miss you,” he murmurs into Jared’s neck.
“Two weeks,” Jared replies, sliding an arm around Jensen’s shoulders to keep him there. It’s become his mantra lately, repeated every time he thinks about leaving. Jensen refused to come down to Austin for Jared’s first weekend - he insisted that Jared would be too busy with orientation and that he should be making new friends, anyway - but he promised that he’d drive down the next weekend and spend all of it with Jared. Jared can already tell that Jensen’s going to be overly careful about it, never wanting to take up time Jared could be spending with friends or on homework, but that’s okay. He’s perfectly willing to do whatever it takes to convince Jensen just how much Jared wants him around.
They stay out under the stars until Jensen starts dozing off. Then Jared walks them both back to Jensen’s cabin and arranges them on Jensen’s tiny twin bed to spend their last night together. Last night together at Shady Lake, at least.
* * *
The next morning is a flurry of packing and goodbyes. Jared and Chad are baffled to find that, even though they did barely any shopping all summer, their belongings are still somehow a lot harder to pack into the truck this time around. It takes a lot of grunting and shoving and cursing, but somehow they finally get it all in.
The goodbyes are even harder. No one wants to be the first to drive off, so they all stand around for fifteen minutes making random small talk before Mike finally drags Tom to his car and waves at them all before getting in. Allison makes them all promise to attend the reunion, which she’s already picked three possible dates for, and then they’re all splitting off, hugging and promising to call and heading for cars and trucks. Candace waves from her porch.
Sophia surprises everyone by planting herself in front of Chad’s door before he can get in the truck and thrusting a piece of paper into his chest. When Chad takes it, confused, she says, “I suppose you can call me,” and leaves without a backward glance. Chad unfolds the paper, reading the numbers and gives Jared a huge grin. “She totally can’t resist me!”
Sandy, standing next to Sophia’s car, throws up her hands.
“And you said I couldn’t wear her down!” Chad crows, poking Jared in the chest. “Ha! No one can withstand my love.”
Jared’s not sure this is a good idea, but he’s so ridiculously happy about things between him and Jensen that he can’t help but be happy for Chad, too.
He and Jensen keep their goodbyes short and sweet. They’re going to see each other in two weeks, so it’s not really goodbye at all, Jared theorizes. Just see you later. So one short kiss and a brief squeeze of hands are enough.
When they pull out, Jared watches the camp recede in the rearview mirror and feels a pang for everything he’s leaving behind. But then he looks down at his fingers, rubbing the guitar calluses they’ve developed, and twists his leather bracelet so the silver ‘J’ is facing up.
And then his phone vibrates, barely two miles down the road, and it’s a text from Jensen: I stole your shirt. Jared’s totally baffled for a minute -which shirt? And why? As if on cue, a second text appears: The black one. But Jared doesn’t even have a black shirt. Well, except for that one that Sandy and the girls - and that’s when he gets it. Jensen stole his "I ♥ my boyfriend" shirt. Jared pictures him wearing it, in public where everyone can see, or at home under a sweatshirt where no one can, and smiles so hard his face hurts.
Definitely the best summer ever.
it’s the end of the summer
you can spin the light to gold
* * *
Epilogue