Negging

[bendyourknees]

Well, this was a completely wasted evening. One of the guys from the dojo wanted to do dinner tonight and I accepted, knowing that he understood we were just friends. We've known each other on and off for about three years, but never outside of class. I've always liked him and we laugh a lot during class

Comments

[clafount]

As disgusting as this is, I don't think he's the only one who has ever thought of this strategy, sadly. I think some guys do employ this, and even worse, some women actually fall for it.

[bendyourknees]

Oh no, he's not. Others have overheard guys at the dojo talking about this. That guys would practice this doesn't surprise me. It horrifies me, but doesn't surprise me. That women would fall for it is shocking.

You know, it's all connected. Men wouldn't be how they are unless women rewarded it in some way and vice versa. Maybe I'm an idealist or a romantic, but dahm, a system in which this philosophy exists and is even minimally successful is just jact.

[moonlit_me]

Statistically speaking, and tactically speaking, that's a fairly well-known technique, but it's also supposed to be fairly effective. I'd not put it in terms of social status, (nor would I go into the deliberately making another feel bad), more in terms of not being automatically lumped into the "default rejection mechanism" thingy that gets invoked when someone who's not one of the most gorgeous people in all the kingdom hits on someone who is one of the most gorgeous people in all the kingdom. A more neutral level (like, for example, maintaining the momentary illusion disinterest in a non-rude way) may not be as effective with the absolutely ridiculously beautiful people, but it does have the saving grace of not being immoral

[bendyourknees]

If the beautiful people are b*tches, why would you want to be with them anyway?

Maybe I'm naive, but it seems to me that if you have a genuine appreciation for who a person is outside of their appearance, that comes through in the "hitting on" process. (And perhaps we should rename that process to reduce the implication of objectification.)

If you don't have a genuine appreciation, then their reaction may well be justified. Why manipulate the situation? Because they're hot?? Let's get the brains up above the waistline here.

And if they're going to brush you off automatically regardless, then forget them. Their loss.

[moonlit_me]

It isn't that they're what you said, it's that they're used to rejecting people--as any of us would be if we had lots of people hitting on us every day. (You suggested dropping the term, but didn't suggest an alternative. Approaching with a potential interest in determining the viability of a short or long-term relationship?) That doesn't mean they're putting people down or being rude, it's that there's a learned behavior that's a basic way to keep them from spending half their day saying "I'm sure you're a really nice person, but..."

As to the genuine appreciation, the problem is that this is more about introductions--you don't know the person, you're physically attracted to them, and you want to say hello and have a way of learning whether they're actually beautiful, which you can't do based on whether or not they're hot. That means having more than a half-second with them (usually). What I suggested--the affected neutrality, or something to show disinterest in a non-hurtful way that isn't directly about them, while still

[bendyourknees]

I understand about introductions and I don't have a problem with neutrality. My issue with the "negging" idea is the deliberate manipulations, ingenuine self-inflation, and deliberate lowering of someone else's self-esteem for one's own gain.

Perhaps what you're talking about is different. Based on your description, it sounds like getting more than half a second is like trying to get to know someone who is shy. Talk to the group instead of directly to the shy person as a way of making them feel more comfortable and allowing them more sides of you than their initial impression. Give them time to see YOU as a person and see if they are then open to more direct conversation.

However, if after your good faith efforts, they're going to blow you off and dismiss you because they can't see beyond appearances and get over the kneejerk "buh--bye" reaction, then let them go. At that point it is purely their loss.

[halfgk]

Somebody's been taking Family Guy a bit too seriously.

Please don't kid about turning testicles into neckwear.

[bendyourknees]

You think I'm kidding?

[nora_anne]

Personal experience, yes people do this, and yes it works.

Call me dumb =\

[bendyourknees]

I would never call you dumb.

And don't let them pull that on you, girl! You are worth so much more than that.