[ voice ; open, then locks ]

[spinofthewheel]

Ah ... it seems there's a great deal that requires my attention.

[ Locked to Dominic ] How's the mansion?

[ Locked to Topher ] Welcome to the city. I assume you've moved in.

[ Locked to Faith ] Could we speak?

[ Locked to Bennett ] What happened to Tony?

[ Locked to Ba'al ] Gibson updated you, I assume.

[ Locked to Mellie ] Welcome to

Comments

[locked forever]

[goldn_boy]

Benjamin! [The relief in his voice is nearly tangible.] God, it's good to hear from you. Are you all right?

[spinofthewheel]

I'm fine, but I'm surmising that you are not.

[goldn_boy]

You have enough to worry about without worrying about me. I'm fine. [He is, of course, too adamant about that.] I wouldn't mind seeing you, though. If you've got a chance. It's been awhile.

[spinofthewheel]

Ever so stoic, Jim...

[goldn_boy]

[Jim sighs.]

I know better than to expect to fool you, Benjamin. But I don't see you often enough to want to spend that time talking about my problems. That's not your job.

[spinofthewheel]

No, not my job, is it? But it's who I am.

I would love to see you, Jim.

[goldn_boy]

[Jim chuckles at that.]

Oh, I know how that goes.

Your place or mine?

[spinofthewheel]

Mine, if you don't mind.

[action]

[goldn_boy]

Sure.

[It's the work of a few minutes, to get to Benjamin's room. Jim isn't going to play coy--neither he nor Nolan is around enough for that to be fair. He knows Benjamin is going to pry--he also knows he's not going to deny him anything.

And besides... he may have one or two questions himself.]

[spinofthewheel]

Come in.

[ Inside, Benjamin has papers spread over his desk. The network device next to them. He, himself, folds a last shirt and sets it away in his drawers. ]

[goldn_boy]

[Jim's eyes scan the room, as always, for signs of just who occupies it. But his gaze rests primarily on Benjamin, unable to hide his relief at seeing him. He smiles, though his eyes are dark with more than pleasure.]

Hey.

[He steps in and shuts the door, stepping towards him.]

[spinofthewheel]

[ He pulls Jim into an embrace. ] Are you going to tell me what it is you're being stoic about, or do I have to coax it from you?

[goldn_boy]

[Jim chuckles, head nudging Benjamin's shoulder for a moment. He doesn't value stoicism for its own sake, but it's not easy to talk about.]

I might as well surrender now, you mean? The short version is: Jim Kirk finally admits he's susceptible to the city's influence and then beats himself up over giving in.

[spinofthewheel]

[ His hand runs, briefly, through Jim's hair. ] Then why don't you tell me what it is you desire, and why that shames you so.

[goldn_boy]

[He pulls back, to look Benjamin in the eye. He owes him that.]

It's not that, exactly. The shame isn't in desire, it's in... losing who I am. The sense of it, I mean. I can't explain it, but there's always been this man I believed myself to be. Someone who had to be strong. Not stoic, not... rigid. But the confidence. I believed in it. In myself. I don't know where it's gone.

[He laughs, but it's a bitter sound.]

I guess I'm the only person I think doesn't deserve an existential crisis once in awhile. But it all adds up, Benjamin. The man I thought I was... he hasn't existed since before I got here. What I desire is the conviction that I ever was him--my shame, I suppose, is that I need to believe I'm a hero.

[spinofthewheel]

It's not gone anywhere, Jim. You've just lost sight of it.

[ He touches Jim's chest. ] It's here. I promise. The man you were and the man you are, and the truth of those two people is only something you can find.