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[bionic_groin]

I find that a lot of old friends have been reconnecting with me in the last while. They have been sitting down with me and telling me things. It's as if they were checking up on me or trying to teach me something. Sometimes it was coffee or lunch or a hike, but they felt like giving me the impression that they knew something about me that I didn't

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[bionic_groin]

On a further note. For the last two years I've suffered intense and life-threatening depression and psychosis. It's been a long struggle and I'm finally pulling through. For all of my friends to, only now, come to cheer me on is the shallowest act of retribution ever. Everyone's sweeping in and be like "yeah I helped him when he was down." Everyone can fuck themselves I pulled through this on my own. I did the legwork when I was more alone and hurt than ever before. It was nice of people to visit - it was good times. But that's what it was: good times because I was there alone for the bad. For people to think they can apply some friendship narrative about people coming together to help, or that a cinematic heart-to-heart is going to turn my life around, is really just feel-good bullshit to cover up the fact that nearly everyone I cared about was pretty happy to leave me to die in some dank basement. The few, few people who actually made a commitment to keeping me from being arrested or killed were very clear about what they wanted in

[bionic_groin]

Okay now that I'm not angry anymore I pretty much mean the opposite of everything I just wrote. My friends obviously helped although I walked the darkest part alone. They mean a lot to me, but I can just "forget" pain like what I had in the last two years. I think that's the nature of my condition: I'm bipolar so I'll forever be swinging between extremes and purging hate, love and emotions. At least I can just take it out on livejournal and get back to work.